to pull my 6 year old out of school just because she wants to be home educated?

[HomeEduDilemma]

Me and DH are not in agreement over this and I am feeling really stuck about it!

Our 9 year old (autistic) came out of school last year and is now home educated. He couldn't cope in mainstream school and we are all in agreement that home ed is the best thing for him.

Our almost 6 year old absolutely thrived in Reception last year academically and socially. She's very attached to me and would love to stay with me, but also enjoys school.

However, now she knows her brother is staying at home all day, she is miserable about going back to school. She's loved meeting up with other home ed kids over the summer and is in tears about school starting again.

I feel like she is only little once and I am at home anyway, so why not home educate her too? I'm sure she would continue doing really well academically with 1:1 attention (both kids very bright/academic).

DH feels like school should be the default and there is no real reason to keep her home. Plus as siblings they often bicker and fight and DS will suffer not getting 100% of my attention.

AIBU? So unsure about what to do for the best.

I'm open to suggestions of how I can continue to work, earn well, home educate one child and give more time to another child who is at full time school.

I loving all the assumptions on here about HE children.
We've just had they have no social skills and no friends.
Further up thread we’ve had they sit at the kitchen table all day covering the NC.
We’ve had they can’t get GCSEs or go to college or university.
We’ve had they’re missing out.
We’ve had it’s terrible to have a PJ day every once in while.
We’ve had they are not prepared for the world of work or going ‘out into the world’ (where do you think HE kids are all day….? Whilst school kids are in a classroom, HE kids are erm out in the real world!).

Oh and my personal favourite, all HE kids come from ‘affluent’ families.

@TinkerbellefromYorkshire
I managed to do pretty much most of those activities with my two - one with asd, asperger's as it was then diagnosed- and send them to school too. As pp said, finding the right school is the key and takes a lot of effort, and sometimes, money.

DS1 would have loved to stay at home - a bit too much really. Socialising and meet ups organised by parents would have horrified him, especially during adolescence. His (v academic) school were flexible and, just as important I feel, he was able to carve out his own separate life away from us, even though it wasn't without its difficulties. He could pursue obscure interests away from the parental gaze and learn to manage less than sociable peers too.

I was struck by Grace Dent's comment in 'Hungry' that she found home educated interns too trusting and rather naive as they'd never had to learn to negotiate with unpleasant people at school.
The hidden curriculum eh?!

I was struck by Grace Dent's comment in 'Hungry' that she found home educated interns too trusting and rather naive as they'd never had to learn to negotiate with unpleasant people at school.
The hidden curriculum eh?!

That's interesting. What has impressed me about home ed children is their lack of prejudice, open mindedness, confidence and friendliness. But I can see how this could be abused. They are innocent of bullying, peer pressure, often not exposed to social media and the internet and I can see how this could make them naive. I suppose it's for the parents to educate about these things. I don't think going through the unpleasant experiences is the only way to learn about these things, necessarily. It's a very good point, though. I only really understood the dangers of being female through repeated assaults throughout my school days.

Could you flexi-school your 6-year-old, as it sounds as though she would currently benefit from some home-ed too? There's no reason school should be the default and it's not just for kids with ASN, but most people are not familiar with this so it's probably not the best place to ask.

Lots of families home-ed all their children, do you think your DD being home would negatively impact on your DS, more than your DD is negatively impacted by not seeing you as much? I suppose that's what you need to weigh up, and only you can decide that by knowing your family dynamic.

You could HE her too, but realistically aren't you home educating him because he needs a very individualised program? If you HE her as well they will both suffer maybe, because neither can have the attention they need? I think you need to explain to her that her brother has very specific needs that school can't meet, but she has different needs that are best met in school. You are prioritising both children by putting them in setting where their needs are met. I would also say, at 6, start to explain to her what her brother can't do, that she can and why he needs help with things she doesn't. Could you use a simple example of something else where you give them different things because they want different things? For instance you wouldn't say "You hate peas, so your brother, who loves them MUST never eat them" or "Your brother won't wear dresses, so you MUST never wear a dress"

The main issue here though is your child thrives at school, and your husband doesn’t want DD HE, his view plus your own admissions that she thrives at school should be enough of an answer

I haven't read the entire thread but I have read ops posts.

Op would your dd's school agree to flexi schooling? So she has 1 day at home with you and ds and the rest of the week at school?

I know you say you are worried about the focus being on your ds and dd feeling second best. it is equally important to remember that " treating children equally does not mean treating them the same" Your ds and your dd have different needs. To treat them equally you need to look at what their needs are and work on the premises of doing what is best for that child. For you ds being at home and in home education is the best option. Is it for your dd? Wanting to be with mum all the time is not a reason Many children do and learn to enjoy school. As some said there could be a lot of FOMO happening here.

Dying to know what job you do 2 days a week that earns you the same as a full time teacher…

It seems pretty likely that it's your work pattern and lack of availability for your 6 year old DC is the issue. HE rather than you finding a way to spend more time with her by changing your work pattern seems like the wrong solution to me. Some companies are going to be made - HE seems like your DC doing all the compromising. If you do HE, would you be comfortable explaining it was the only way you could spend time with her when she's a teen and possibly questioning this decision? Unless you are really on the breadline this seems like the wrong way to go

I don't think OPs DD wants to be with her all the time, but does want some quality time with her. The current set up doesn't allow that. All attention on DS during the week, working weekends. Of course DD is looking for a solution. HE sounds like the wrong one IMO.

I understand why you feel like you do but in terms of what's right for your children I'm afraid it sounds like your husband is right.

KS1 is tricky to teach because the children need a lot of adult input so your attention will definitely need to be on her progression a lot of the time. 2 different ages to teach is tricky.

She understandably feels like she should stay with you but it does not sound like what's best for her is to be home schooled.

I wonder if it would have been better to ask this question in the Home Ed forum. Do you have any HE groups to go? Maybe chat with some of the mums in there?

Everyone has strong opinions on home education even if they know nothing about it! Definitely chat with people who know what it's actually like.

I agree with you, she's only six once. It'd be lovely of you to give her the opportunity.

Although he couldn't cope in school (the noise, stress etc) he is a pretty self sufficient and self-motivated learner. We probably spend an hour a day actually sitting down doing 'work' together and the rest is more me facilitating his learning.
So for those concerned about home educating two children of different ages, there is plenty of time in the day to devote 1:1 time to each child and still provide lots of clubs, classes, trips etc.

@JhsLs nannying.

@Casperroonie I disagree that KS1 is difficult to teach - children this age learn so easily through life and there is little sit-down learning required.

@Enko I'm going to ask the school about flexischooling, thank you.

This!

OP, you are asking on here and a significant proportion on here just don't have enough of an understanding the issues at play here to advise you properly. Many of them will have never had an issue with mainstream schooling and genuinely can't get their heads around the possibilities that there are with home education. Many won't have had the struggles of a child not managing in school and being let down by the system.

I am coming from a POV of having 2 autistic DC, now teens. The elder has significant damage to mental health caused by attending mainstream school. My DP would never have agreed, but I wish wholeheartedly I could have gone back in time and home educated him. He seemed to thrive in reception, but after reception there is a big move towards formal learning and the cracks soon appeared. He was autistic but very academic and nobody could see this. I am still dealing with the harm caused. So no, I don't agree that school is best for all.
My younger child was more obviously autistic (still academically in the typical range, but speech and communication was very slow to develop so had an EHCP in place from the beginning, supported throughout primary and now in specialist autism specific setting within mainstream. Younger DC is now thriving but during primary, despite full support, we were struggling with a highly anxious child, therefore I would question whether mainstream was best for them then.
Thinking of the positives, as others have said, having two home educated means holidays in term time, both children can access all of the museums, outings etc while it's quiet and it also means that you won't be tied to getting back in time for the school run. I can totally see why you would want to do it. Academically she could thrive. There is so much out there nowadays.
Could you convince DH to do a trial of the home education maybe? Other option is to put her in school and tell her to give it a chance to see if it's definitely what she wants. Only you know your own DD well enough.

It's still the school holidays. Why don't you do a trial run of HE for a week with both of them (with the intention of her going back to school) and she will see that it's not all fun and games.

But it is all fun and games.

Right now the 6 year old has 2 options

School - Absolutely no 1-1 time with her mum.

Home Education - She gets 1-1 time with her mum.

She see her brother spending lots of 1-1 with mum, and enjoying all these exciting trips, swimming, museums etc, which she isn't able to do as she's at school and her mum works all weekend.

The DD doesn't want to leave school, she just wants to spend time with her mum. The OP admits her DD is thriving in school, but she sees home education as the only way she can make it fairer in terms of how much time she is spending with the brother over DD.

@HomeEduDilemma

this 👆 sums it up well

Not all of us are like this woman so please don't do that.

I'm with your DH on this one. Neither kid would get the same attention from you and she would miss out on the socialisation. She is bound to want to stay home if her brother is but she has different needs, plus she enjoyed school and taking her out for a few years may set her back socially (and possibly other ways). It's great it's working for your son x

Also.. don't worry about favouritism! As she gets older she will understand her brother has very different needs to her, she may even object to the fact you just let her stay home because she asked. She may ask why she wasn't able to go to school and make friends, she may feel she doesnt fit in when she goes back. My younger brother was put in private school when he was 7 and I was 10. I wasn't. It was because he was struggling socially in mainstream school so smaller class sizes suited him better. I have never felt my parents put his needs ahead of mine, I was thriving in mainstream and had lots of friends. I have grown up knowing this.

When i say mainstream I mean state school.

Also.. don't worry about favouritism! As she gets older she will understand her brother has very different needs to her

You totally have to worry if one child grows up resenting the other. She may understand different needs or she may not and will see this as deliberate unfairness for the rest of her life.
Homeschool both.

I think it’s shitty of your husband to think your son will suffer with his sister being home! Feels a little emotional blackmail there.

Your daughter will be fine going to school. Your daughter will be fine homeschooling.

So you’re home anyway, she’s socializing anyway with the meet ups. But She’s probably just fussing till she goes to school, sees friends and has fun.

homeschool is great. So much better for scheduling, less busy work. You are home anyway.

school school is the default. Most have two working parents, or the homeschool kids they knew growing up were the super religious scary ones.

Sounds like you are doing what is best for son. Do what is best for daughter.

it may be a month or two at public school, then change. But set a defined time if you do that, so daughter doesn’t learn ‘giving up’ gets good results.

so is the local school good?
Is your child gifted? Social? Bored? Struggling?
what’s home like?
why is husband pushing for school really?
will this tax you more? Make life easier?

sounds like more conversation needed.