to pull my 6 year old out of school just because she wants to be home educated?

[HomeEduDilemma]

Me and DH are not in agreement over this and I am feeling really stuck about it!

Our 9 year old (autistic) came out of school last year and is now home educated. He couldn't cope in mainstream school and we are all in agreement that home ed is the best thing for him.

Our almost 6 year old absolutely thrived in Reception last year academically and socially. She's very attached to me and would love to stay with me, but also enjoys school.

However, now she knows her brother is staying at home all day, she is miserable about going back to school. She's loved meeting up with other home ed kids over the summer and is in tears about school starting again.

I feel like she is only little once and I am at home anyway, so why not home educate her too? I'm sure she would continue doing really well academically with 1:1 attention (both kids very bright/academic).

DH feels like school should be the default and there is no real reason to keep her home. Plus as siblings they often bicker and fight and DS will suffer not getting 100% of my attention.

AIBU? So unsure about what to do for the best.

Send her to school. She will be fine.

I see some people feel it's better for your DD to go to school so she doesn't become dependent on you. I know it's controversial to say but I would prioritise her mental health, emotional security and self esteem over sending her to school to effectively toughen her up, and get used to not getting what she wants. I think you'd be wise, as you say, to wait and review the situation - you don't need to jump the gun. See how she settles back in at school. It sounds very difficult. If a child has the capacity to do well at school it's what many would choose, but you don't want her to feel that her brother had all the attention while she hardly saw you either. I would personally consider home education for her, if it's the only way for her to spend time with you, at least for a few years. Perhaps other parents in your home ed circle are in similar positions and you might get advice.

The average reading age of a UK adult is 12 - that is not enough to ensure a decent education for a child

Is it really? And the vast majority of UK adults went to school.

I know it's controversial to say but I would prioritise her mental health, emotional security and self esteem over sending her to school to effectively toughen her up, and get used to not getting what she wants.

The OP said she thrived academically and socially in school.

More times needs to be carved out for one-on-one mother daughter time as at the moment she sees her brother getting most of her mother's attention.

@RitzyMcFitzy Yes, I agree more time with OP is essential. From OP's description of schedules it sounds very difficult to achieve, though. I also agree that OP's daughter seemed to be doing well at school, so I think that's why I wrote it's better to wait a little and see how her DD settles back in to the new term. I think some posters suggested being home educated would be 'giving in' in some way or indulging a child's whims, whereas I think the DD's emotions are valid and quite important. Feeling dismissed or less favoured than a sibling can be detrimental to self esteem and future chances. I am not sure at all what the solution is, I must say..

OP, I’d definitely keep her home with you. What 6yo doesn’t want to be with their Mum?

As a long term home educator my biggest concern from your OP was that your 9yo doesn’t enjoy going on trips and activities. However it’s clear that you get out to social meets and trips, so it will be easy for your 6yo to slot into your routine, and so much easier for you not to have to work around the school run.

And for all the drama llamas saying you won’t be able to facilitate the learning of 2 children with different needs, my 4 kids (2 with ASD / SEN) are all home educated, and my eldest has just passed his GCSEs and is looking forward to starting 6th form college for A-levels and then Uni. It’s totally doable.

As far as sibling bickering goes, I think that the more time they spend together, with the freedoms to go off and do their own thing when needed, the more tolerant they are of each other.

Nobody can tell if your DD wants home ed because she wants home Ed, or because she wants to spend more time with you.

If DS was doing a type of HE that was only tutors, and you were at work during the week, would she want to stop school and be home educated? I'm pretty sure your DS would choose that, not so clear about DD.

Similarly, if she could have her mum at home during the weekends would she choose not to go to school and be with her friends? Maybe, but again, it's not clear. Your DS would though.

It's very likely she's choosing HE as a way to choose time with you because she doesn't get enough of it. It's possible she's not too, the point is that you can't rule it out.

My DD10 would become very clingy almost overnight if I were to work all weekend, every weekend. If her DB was being HE in that mix she'd start school refusing. If he was being HE in the nice way you do it, I'd have a full on screaming match to get her out the door every day. She'd have so much resentment towards DB too that it would deteriorate their relationship.

The answer could be removing her from school, because that seems easiest.

But it's not prioritising her needs. It's meeting her needs around your work schedule that is meeting the needs to your DS. She's being fitted in, she's having needs met that are artificially created by this set up in the first place.

I'd not giver her until half term. I'd recognise my working time to have her actual needs met. If she gets enough time with you and still wants HE over seeing her friends, then I'd reconsider.

Well it's lovely that you have the option. If every child developed a passion for something and pursued that as their life's work, then who pray tell is going to do the crappy jobs? Some of you are so far removed from the real world that it is (almost) laughable.

OP, I think you'll get the most useful answers from people who have been in the same position, and you'd do better to post on a home ed forum instead. It's a fairly common situation. As you've seen, many of the people on this thread have some odd ideas about home education!!

Among the home educating families I know who are in the same boat, some have found that having their NT child out of school works even better than they anticipated. There are compromises to be made, but the overall package suits the child better than school did. Just because a child appears reasonably happy at school doesn't mean they wouldn't be equally happy or even happier if home educated. Sometimes parents report that they thought their NT child was fine at school, and only once the child came out was it clear that the child was coping but not truly thriving there as they later did at home.

Other families find that the home ed environment doesn't work for the NT child because of their sibling's needs, or that the family just can't cope with both kids being HE, and that school is the better option for that child. Of course, it's a very hard thing to explain that to a child who wants to be HE, who thinks their sibling is getting the better deal, and who may always carry some resentment if they aren't offered the option.

I would say ideally give your daughter a chance to try home ed for a year. That way she can see whether the grass really is greener there. She'll feel her needs and desires are important. You can see how the family dynamics work when both children are being HE. If home ed doesn't suit her, she'll recognise that and be willing and eager to return to school BUT she will know you cared enough to explore all options and let her try what she wanted to try, so she'll return to school with a different outlook on the situation.

However, you mentioned that your daughter is in a popular school and there is a risk she wouldn't get her place back later. That makes it a much harder decision for you. Have you checked out what the current situation is there? Is her year group full, and is there a waiting list? If there are any vacancies, how many vacancies are there? Do you live near enough to the school that she would be near the top of the waiting list if she wanted to get back in? Do many families tend to move in and out of the area? Of course there are never any guarantees, but knowing the current situation might help inform your decision. You'd know whether removing her involves a big risk that she'd never be able to return to this school, or whether she'd probably be able to get back in straight away.

Good luck. It's a difficult decision.

I fully understand where you are coming from. I have home schooled and flexi schooled and am facing a similar dilemma with my 9 year old. It's also very obvious on here that some people have NO idea how homeschooling works!

I really think you should say to her that she needs to go back to school and see how much she likes being with the friends she already has there, and that at half term you and she can sit down and have a long talk about what she likes about school, but also about what she's worried about missing out on at home.

Unfortunately, if she won't get back into the school if she leaves then that's something you would need to think about. But we asked our head for flexi schooling and did this for a while which worked really well so don't be afraid to approach the school about it.

Realistically the primary curriculum is pretty easy to cover at home 1-1 and with trips and visits, a large part of school time at that age is about group behaviour and getting the whole group to sit still long enough to get your lesson plan across.

This is a great post.

100% do it. I home schooled mine from 6. They decided to go back into school for GCSEs and are thriving. I will never regret the endless opportunities and freedom I was able to give them during their primary years. Your other child will also benefit as you won't turn he restricted by term times and pick ups so you'll be able to offer more.

I think your DD doesn’t particularly want to be HE but wants more time with you and given that you work weekends, realistically that can only happen during school time.

given what you have written, it’s better she stays in school but the comprise is that you carve out more 1 to 1 time with you.

I do think HE vs in school education seems to be such a polarised debate. I work with secondary age children in a slightly removed from direct education role. I see a lot of home educated and school educated children.

Some children thrive in school, some thrive at home and the reverse is also very true. Some children are very sociable and like having LOTS of friends and really enjoy the school environment for that reason.

I have seen children who have been removed from school because they were struggling go on to struggle with home ed too and to become reclusive to the point that they simply couldn't sit their GCSEs (too many people, despite the separate room and adjustments made).

It's also very expensive to home educate in the exam years - you're talking thousands if you want to sit exams independently, so some people absolutely can't afford it and I think if you start down the home ed route it's worth considering that end point. It is expensive and likely to get more so; exam centres are oversubscribed and especially if you want an adjustment such as a separate room (which again costs more). Great for those that can afford it, but some people can't. Unfortunately there seems to be no help with these costs once a family has opted to homeschool even if there is evidence the child was suffering in school.

Of course there seems a knee jerk anti-homeschooling sentiment from ministers and the education system which isn't helpful when obviously some children are better off at home. Really, these families should be getting much better support but in my experience they aren't.

I agree that it's awful to force children into school who can't cope in that environment and of course part of the problem is the underfunding of schools so everything is stretched thin and children with additional needs are not as well supported. Personally the only situation I'd consider home ed is if my child was unhappy in school - mainly because of the costs and the risk that if our financial situation changed that my child could be very limited in how many subjects they sat exams in etc. If I had unlimited money it would be a totally different decision.

It's not an easy decision, there are pros and cons on both sides, and it really depends very much on the child's individual circumstances and the quality of the school they are attending also.

That's a decision only you can make, not your DD. I'm a bit biased because I did take my child out a little older than that when they asked. They never went back. I gave up stuff but gained a lot too.

@HomeEduDilemma Hi, we home Ed/Unschool, we're also a neurodivergent family. I hear you, in your situation I would want to take out the 6 yr old too if that was her request. However, I think it's worth letting her start September as a compromise with your other half. Year 1 is very different to reception and she may try it and not want to be there, but by trying it, you all know. I think it's important to try and work together as parents especially with home ed. If that really is not an option for you and you're passionate about her being home ed then that's a conversation with your other half. I don't think you're being unreasonable at all to listen to her request and want to accomodate it. Our children need to be listened to. Happy to chat off here if it helps

I would not let a 6 year old make a decision like that!

No wonder why she wants to stay home during the week if you spend time with your son when he’s home, but when your daughter is home you’re at work!

Spoken like a true school mum. Home education is anything but a last resort for most home educators. I find it's always best to only give advice when you have knowledge on the subject. Otherwise you can come across a bit silly. OP please do also ask the opinions of friends who home educate siblings. I hope you find a good solution for your family.

You say you want to treat them the same as that's fair, I strongly disagree in this situation. DS needs HE and DD needs to go to school. They have different needs and to treat them the same would actually not be in their best interests.

If you feel you can manage her needs as well as his, I absolutely feel you should. It could make life easier for all of you, holidays in quieter, cheaper times.

I think one in school and one out is often the worst of both worlds, as you got to constantly make sure your finishing activities in order to get back for school run. People who have one in and one out can end up with a less rich life. I'd probably ask this on a home ed forum and perhaps hear from other parents who have one in and one out. That being said in general I believe parents should make the decision for young children's education's needs. It's only now at 10 that I'd seriously consider sending my child to school should he request it. At 6 it was out decision. That said both me and my husband are in agreement that home education works best for our child. I was just filling out morning basket this morning, updating our schedule and figuring out what we want to cover for the next month or so. So whatever you decide I'm routing for you.

Yes, this. It really bugs me how many people trot this line out, when it's not the reality for many. I know plenty of poor home ed families that do a great job of meeting their children's educational needs even when is difficult and school has badly let them down.

I literally did this. I home educated my eldest child due to autism and then I decided to also home educate my younger neurotypical child as it didn’t seem fair to push the younger one out. Anyway, firstly my kids have a very, very strong relationship and as teens I can honestly say they have only argued once in their lives
Secondly, my younger child decided they wanted to go to secondary school. They did the 11+, are in the top stream in the local grammar and their report has described them as ‘exemplary’. They have lovely friends too.
My autistic child went to school for Yr9 to prepare them for GCSEs. They still don’t enjoy school and get very worn out by it. They were in a ‘gentle’ private school to begin with and are now in the sixth form at the same grammar as my other child.
We really enjoyed the home education years. We took three month summer holidays, went on cheap holidays in June, sat outside on sunny days, watched movies in front of the fire or had reading days if the kids were tired or unwell. We used tutors for subjects that my husband and I couldn’t cover but luckily we mostly were able to cover everything. My children both went into school at a much higher than average level.
if you are already home educating one child, then I absolutely recommend home educating both. If your daughter gets bored, she can always go back to school. It’s no big deal.

"School is not the only place for children to develop social skills. My son is home educated and I've barely seen him today - he's been off playing with the neighbourhood kids."

A quote from part of a post from yesterday....

He won't be able to be off playing with the neighbourhood kids next week as they'll all be in school.

School is far more than subjects and, as others have written, should be the default choice for the vast majority. There are those who need to be HE just as there are others who thrive in different, non mainstream schools.

As a former teacher I've seen children taken out of school to be HE for all sorts of reasons - the majority being related to falling out with the Head. Often because their particular (often impossible) demands couldn't be reasonably met.

However in this case I believe, from the information given, that the OP's son is probably best being HE.

If she is thriving, I would be very careful about removing her. 6 years old is very early to know her own mind on this and if she is doing well both academically and socially I’d be inclined to leave it alone - the sweet spot is hard to achieve once lost. I’m saying this as a home Ed mum.