to pull my 6 year old out of school just because she wants to be home educated?

[HomeEduDilemma]

Me and DH are not in agreement over this and I am feeling really stuck about it!

Our 9 year old (autistic) came out of school last year and is now home educated. He couldn't cope in mainstream school and we are all in agreement that home ed is the best thing for him.

Our almost 6 year old absolutely thrived in Reception last year academically and socially. She's very attached to me and would love to stay with me, but also enjoys school.

However, now she knows her brother is staying at home all day, she is miserable about going back to school. She's loved meeting up with other home ed kids over the summer and is in tears about school starting again.

I feel like she is only little once and I am at home anyway, so why not home educate her too? I'm sure she would continue doing really well academically with 1:1 attention (both kids very bright/academic).

DH feels like school should be the default and there is no real reason to keep her home. Plus as siblings they often bicker and fight and DS will suffer not getting 100% of my attention.

AIBU? So unsure about what to do for the best.

Home educating is more than 1:1 and more than routine.
You're going to get a lot of home Ed opportunities for your son that will clash with the school timetable as well as holiday options opening up.

You are also going to miss out on the school based opportunities and independent activities based at school.

Neither is better or worse.
I'm going to be facing this dilemma myself next year and I'm so undecided. My children are very different people and I am trying to weigh their needs but I'm not going pretend that my penchant for travel isn't going to play a part in my process.

I disagree with anyone who thinks there is a "default" option. Most people don't have the luxury of making a choice. School life is hardly compatible with working life, it all requires additional financial support to work, as does home Ed.

I perhaps would say to daughter to go back and see if she still feels the same in a few weeks / half term / Christmas. I'm sure she will keep you posted. But it also gives you chance to start your sons "school year" 121. Do your planning. Assess the home Ed activities on offer. Make his routine as you say he needs this route and for your daughter it is more nice to have the option.

Perhaps the school will agree to a part time timetable for your daughter, so she can do both and not feel like she's missing out. If you go that route check the hours you get offered. I've heard of silly things.

Also you can give both your children 121 in home Ed, children at school aren't learning none stop for 6 hours and so neither do your children need to be at home. 121 can be a few hours over the day. Some people make assumptions about home Ed they don't make about school life and it shows they haven't really thought it through.

Good luck on your journey x

I like this a lot. It’s so true. And as you say, most people don’t understand home ed because most people go through the school system so they automatically think it’s not the best option for kids. I think if people knew what it really was, they’d have a different perspective!

I'd send her to school.

But you’re wrong, home Ed is the default, you have to opt into school.

Why should it be a last resort? Schools aren’t suitable for actually most of the kids that are in them and they are surviving, not thriving. It’s a very narrow minded way of thinking that the archaic school system is the only way a child can learn and grow because let me tell you, it’s simply not true.

Can you approach the school about flexi schooling? We had a pupil do that at our school, 4 days in school and a day at home. Just have to show the school what you did and what you plan on the days at home- trips any written work etc and catch up termly about any support needed from school/home. Pupil got the best of both worlds. Not many schools do this but worth approaching the head- their decision in the end as it goes against the attendance figures.

https://www.theschoolrun.com/what-flexi-schooling

Some more info above.

In my experience of both formal education and home education flexi schooling is brilliant, as long as the parent and school work in partnership to meet the needs of the child. I have found that many of the children who are home schooled don’t keep up with their peers as the standards are so high in primary now, but this keeps everyone in line as standards are regularly shared.

Worth an ask and maybe a see how the first half term goes and make some plans for after oct half term. Good luck.

Hi @HomeEduDilemma

I can understand your quandary. I'm surprised at how many voters have suggested you are being unreasonable - I don't.

That said, your question is of necessity provocative. I don't think you are really suggesting HE for your daughter JUST because she says she wants it. It sounds as if YOU can see plenty of possible benefits too, but it feels hard because she is doing well in school, you chose it for your DS as he wasn't, and your husband isn't keen on the idea.

I have a son who I (for the last 2 years) HE and a daughter who goes to school. They are both older though - early to mid teens. But it has been really important in our family to make sure the needs and wishes of both children are listened to and responded to as best we can.

Tbh I think your issue similar to other questions about how we balance needs/wants/ strive for fairness within a family more generally - it's not just about HE.

My belief is that as parents we should strive to meet the needs of all our children as equally as we can. As well as recognising the needs and wants parents. All children should be equally valued, and their needs and wishes should be given equal precedence as far as they can be. Of course, this is not always easy! And children can be fickle, and not necessarily know what they need vs what they want. Adults too!

At 6, and at the the end of the summer holidays, it is not too surprising that your daughter says she wants to be HE. So maybe some more time is needed for her and you and your husband to think and keep things under review for a few weeks. But if her feelings stay the same for some time I really think it is important to take these wishes seriously.

Regardless of what an outsider might observe about her education, insisting that she keeps going to school when her brother is home educated seems a recipe for embedding feelings of resentment, possibly a sense of rejection, and a sense that she is less important than her brother is. This is likely to have long lasting negative impacts on her life, much more than any academic achievement. Perhaps that argument might be helpful to discuss with your husband?

Both you and your husband's views, and your own day to day happiness (you will be doing the bulk of the HE I think?) are important.

I think you are absolutely right to be be thinking seriously about this - listening to your daughters wishes, and really thinking about her emotional needs. There is no need to leap into a decision, and clearly it is really important that your husband is happy enough with the decision you and he make for the family. As others have said, HE groups (e.g. on FB) might be useful to help explore what HE for your two children together might look like, and how easy (or otherwise) it might be for you to meet their needs together at home.

Good luck!

If she wanted a pony, or ear piercing, would you do that too?
You know what's in her best interests and being in her brother's shadow wouldn't be.
If she's thriving at school, leave her there.

Lots of people on here have no idea what home education is- don't pay attention to them.

You will know what is right for each child if you are really paying attention, as yo seem to be! My advice is to remember that no decisions are final, as you can go back and forth if things don't work out.

Don't make your parenting decisions based on what a 6 year old child wants.

Go on what you as a parent and grown up think would be best for her i.e. would it be better for her to be often around others to be confident in interacting with others? A lot of people who were homeschooled say they do feel a bit like aliens talking to other people because they didn't get the same extent of practice at interacting with others.

Is she particularly academic i.e. can you provide what will bring out the absolute height of her academic potential?

I suppose you could do it up until eleven and then let her go to secondary school to get the academic side too (though it might be hard to make her go back.)

By you not being able to necessarily provide the academic side as she gets older, I mean that almost all of us are not going to be that good at the entire range of subjects.

After a child is about 12+ we might find teaching maths or some other subject hard, for instance.

But I've heard that the workbooks you can get are quite good.

Would love to see how well these home educated kids are going to do in their GCSES....

Genuinely think most people completely misunderstand how much work is completed at school and how the vast majority of people simply cannot recreate this at home.

I would honestly say if you think school isn't meeting their needs, it's nearly 100% because it's a shit school! And I would always recommend finding a better one before donning pjs and doing sweet FA all day.

OP, I think you need to post in a different section or in a different place altogether. All these PPs talking about proper lessons at home etc. dont seem tp have a clue what home education is about.

I’d tell her that he went to school until he was9, and that you’ll review it when she’s that age.

Your son is home educated because there is no other option for him.

If he was in school, your DD would definitely be going too.
You'd never decide to homeschool her just because you want to spend all day with her.

School might be the best thing for your DD, but if you take her out now, you'll have deprived her of that experience.
And you will never know that she might have thrived there and made friends etc.

You've the next 10 years to pull her out of school.

So your ds was in school till age 9 or maybe 8?
i think I’d tell your dd that you will review the decision together when she reaches that age but till then she goes to school like he did.

OP, as you will know, school is about so much more than formal education? Do you really think a 6 year old has the capacity to make a decision to be home educated? Sure her request is more a reflection of a desire for attention from you and jealousy of her brother and the attention he gets? Perhaps focusing on how her needs can be met whilst she remains in mainstream education would be an alternative option?

If your 6 year old is enjoying school and doing well, I would absolutely send her to school. She is getting nerves the same way probably 90% of kids are at this point (obviousky enhanced knowing her brother will be at home). Also, most children have these kind of feelings with anything their sibling does that they cant - if one wants the only blue spoon, the other one does too!

I would stick with just educating your child who needs that attention at home right now (if school is not right for him). Has she had some playdates with friends from her class?

This ☝️

you would just be undermining all the good you were doing by home educating your child that needs it - he obviously needs the 1:1 attention to progress academically and you would be removing that from him.. so why bother HE?

when DD is older she will benefit from being at school so much more and if you pull her out now and re enter her later on it will be a really difficult adjustment for her

Please look up/follow “Hannahhomeeducates” on tiktok or Instagram! X

I agree completely - seeing my kids thrive in school, I cannot imagine taking that experience away from them. School shapes you for the future. I appreciate there are some kids with certain needs which make school very difficult, but I cannot imagine taking school away from a child that is thriving and happy there.

@HomeEduDilemma if she said she wanted ice cream for dinner every night for the foreseeable would you agree to that? Just because a kid wants something doesn't mean they get it, especially if it's not the best thing for them. As a parent you get to decide what's best.
In your op you talk about 1 to 1 teaching/supervision of her, but realistically she'll be getting less than 1:2, due to her sibling's additional needs.

i think you’ll find it’s OP in support.

To be honest I think you are being unfair to both children. As someone who works in a specialist school for children with autism (amongst other things), I think you need to find, and then fight for, DS to attend the right school. His world is insular enough without limiting it more by homeschooling. And you shouldn’t even consider taking DD out of school…

I’m not sure why you posted as you seem to have made your mind up since you keep defending your position when people recommend sending her back to school.

I'd look at the flexi option of some days in school, some at home.

She may well see more clearly that she is missing out on time with friends that way (kids generally needing to experience things rather than just be told them) and that might solve the issue and she will want to go back to school full time or, it'll work out well and you can stick with it.

I do agree that home education should be the default and school is something you opt into, not that I have any skin in the game, but school is... at best, a compromise and at worst, a horrifically overwhelming environment not conducive to learning for many kids.

OP your on the wrong forum, never ask for advice about home education from others who have never done it. The shit show over Covid is how many view HE when it's nothing like. I don't know of any HE students who sit alone in a room all day long never venturing outside or talking to anyone else. Most are a lot more sociable as they are never in. They are able to mix easily with people of all ages, and are very adaptable. For some reason people who don't HE prefer to imagine a very different version that suits their own limited way of thinking.