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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to pull my 6 year old out of school just because she wants to be home educated?

379 replies

HomeEduDilemma · 25/08/2023 11:46

Me and DH are not in agreement over this and I am feeling really stuck about it!

Our 9 year old (autistic) came out of school last year and is now home educated. He couldn't cope in mainstream school and we are all in agreement that home ed is the best thing for him.

Our almost 6 year old absolutely thrived in Reception last year academically and socially. She's very attached to me and would love to stay with me, but also enjoys school.

However, now she knows her brother is staying at home all day, she is miserable about going back to school. She's loved meeting up with other home ed kids over the summer and is in tears about school starting again.

I feel like she is only little once and I am at home anyway, so why not home educate her too? I'm sure she would continue doing really well academically with 1:1 attention (both kids very bright/academic).

DH feels like school should be the default and there is no real reason to keep her home. Plus as siblings they often bicker and fight and DS will suffer not getting 100% of my attention.

AIBU? So unsure about what to do for the best.

OP posts:
MumblesParty · 25/08/2023 12:32

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 25/08/2023 11:59

It’s easy for your DH to say you should do it. I wouldn’t want to HE either of my children but I definitely wouldn’t want to HE both of them.

I think OP said her DH wants their daughter to go to school. Where was the bit that DH said OP should do it?

YourNameGoesHere · 25/08/2023 12:34

HomeEduDilemma · 25/08/2023 12:32

I don't want to prioritise one child over the other though, or for her to feel like the most important thing to us was meeting her brother's needs.

Show quote history

But by your own admission your son wouldn't actually get an education if she was at home so if she stayed home you'd actually be prioritising her opinion over her brothers actual needs.

The most important thing is that they both get an education and your set up as it stands is currently the only way to achieve that.

RitzyMcFitzy · 25/08/2023 12:35

HomeEduDilemma · 25/08/2023 12:32

I don't want to prioritise one child over the other though, or for her to feel like the most important thing to us was meeting her brother's needs.

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Can you not have an age appropriate conversation with her as to why you and her dad feel that home schooling is the best option for her brother, but that she's a different person with different needs.

She'd soon be bored rigid being stuck at home squabbling with her sibling.

frootitootie · 25/08/2023 12:35

Presumably your DS did 4 years of school before leaving? Could you say that to be fair she needs to do the same amount of time. By the time she's 9 I would think school friendships etc will be very established. I wouldn't HE an NT child.

Original poster
HomeEduDilemma · 25/08/2023 12:36

WaltzingWaters · 25/08/2023 12:22

Is she aware she’d be in proper lessons still even if she’s at home? Or is she thinking that you and her brother just play games and have fun trips etc whilst she’s at school?
I always had those end of summer holidays blues. I’m sure she’ll be fine once she’s actually back at school with her friends. And if not, you can reassess further down the line.

Hmm... we don't really do a lot of 'proper lessons' to be honest, or at least the formal stuff we do is pretty short - it's not sitting at a desk for 4/5/6 hours a day. A lot of it is playing games, art and crafts and fun trips!
She actually really enjoys short bursts of table top work too, for example learned to read and write before school and loves a worksheet.

OP posts:
Bex5490 · 25/08/2023 12:36

HomeEduDilemma · 25/08/2023 12:32

I don't want to prioritise one child over the other though, or for her to feel like the most important thing to us was meeting her brother's needs.

Show quote history

Sometimes kids feel like things are unfair. My 3 year old tells me it’s unfair that he has to go to bed when I’m awake but that’s life…

By sending her to school you are prioritising both their needs. His needs for 1:1 support and her needs to be socialised more regularly and part of a larger community.

Thepeopleversuswork · 25/08/2023 12:37

DragonFly98 · 25/08/2023 12:10

School isn't the default you have to opt in by applying for a place. I would home Ed her, it's a much nicer experience for children.

That's an absurd generalisation. School is the best option for most children in most circumstances.

There are obviously some children (such as the OP's older child) for whom school is unworkable and certain households will be able to home educate to a very high standard.

But if all children were home educated it would have huge ramifications for the way children are socialised and prepared for adult life.

I'm fully supportive of HE where its appropriate for the child and manageable by the parents but the idea that it should become default is not sensible at all.

OP I would send your younger child to school unless there's a very compelling reason not to.

MumblesParty · 25/08/2023 12:37

OP what makes you think that sending your DD to school is prioritising your DS? You are assuming that HE is better for everyone than school.

Your DD is feeling that normal dread that pretty much all kids get at the end of the summer holidays. You’ve said she thrived at school. She’ll no doubt continue to thrive and will enjoy spending time with her school friends. Now is not the time to make a decision like this, when she’s just had a lovely summer with family. If she still wants to be HE by Christmas, maybe think again.

Bex5490 · 25/08/2023 12:39

HomeEduDilemma · 25/08/2023 12:36

Hmm... we don't really do a lot of 'proper lessons' to be honest, or at least the formal stuff we do is pretty short - it's not sitting at a desk for 4/5/6 hours a day. A lot of it is playing games, art and crafts and fun trips!
She actually really enjoys short bursts of table top work too, for example learned to read and write before school and loves a worksheet.

Show quote history

So do you intend for her to sit her GCSEs etc or not? And if so do you think you are equipped to get her there or will you just put her back into secondary school when she’s missed a whole bunch of formal learning? I think you might have good intentions but you really need to think about what this looks like as an actual plan for her future.

Original poster
HomeEduDilemma · 25/08/2023 12:40

YourNameGoesHere · 25/08/2023 12:34

But by your own admission your son wouldn't actually get an education if she was at home so if she stayed home you'd actually be prioritising her opinion over her brothers actual needs.

The most important thing is that they both get an education and your set up as it stands is currently the only way to achieve that.

Show quote history

He would absolutely still get a good education, he just wouldn't get as much 1:1 attention and would be forced to do more socialising/be annoyed by his little sister.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 25/08/2023 12:40

Will your older child thrive if one to one is suspended?

Snowonthebeachx · 25/08/2023 12:41

School isn't for everyone BUT six is too little to have the understanding to make that kind of decision. She probably thinks home school is like the Sumner holidays!

Also a year one child might be hard to home school! They don't actually do tons of formal learning to start with and lots of what they do is about social skills. Stuff like phonics they benefit a lot from other children. When she is older and more independent it might be better.

I'd prioritise doing nice stuff at the weekend with her and let her enjoy school.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 25/08/2023 12:41

I wouldn't consider home schooling her for an instant - I think she would look back in future years when she can see the social stuff she missed out on and say "Why did you let me make that decision? I was 6 years old! You were adults!"

Original poster
HomeEduDilemma · 25/08/2023 12:42

Bex5490 · 25/08/2023 12:39

So do you intend for her to sit her GCSEs etc or not? And if so do you think you are equipped to get her there or will you just put her back into secondary school when she’s missed a whole bunch of formal learning? I think you might have good intentions but you really need to think about what this looks like as an actual plan for her future.

Show quote history

Both of them will do GCSEs, but for her that is 10 years away so lots of different options before then.

OP posts:
Ladyoftheknight · 25/08/2023 12:43

She should be in school. You need to focus on your son.

Tell her nothing exciting happens, that he does school work and it's boring, etc. Make it seem like school is way more fun.

Original poster
HomeEduDilemma · 25/08/2023 12:43

Snowonthebeachx · 25/08/2023 12:41

School isn't for everyone BUT six is too little to have the understanding to make that kind of decision. She probably thinks home school is like the Sumner holidays!

Also a year one child might be hard to home school! They don't actually do tons of formal learning to start with and lots of what they do is about social skills. Stuff like phonics they benefit a lot from other children. When she is older and more independent it might be better.

I'd prioritise doing nice stuff at the weekend with her and let her enjoy school.

Unfortunately I work weekends so I can be at home during the week, so not much opportunity to do nice stuff together.

OP posts:
Original poster
HomeEduDilemma · 25/08/2023 12:45

Pretending home ed is really boring won't work, children talk to each other! She can see what kind of stuff we do.

OP posts:
jannier · 25/08/2023 12:46

Give her a break from time with her brother let her make her own friends realistically if he's not able to be in school she's going to be a carer in some form as an adult.

Lonicerax · 25/08/2023 12:47

Tell her she might be able to stay home when she is 9 if she is still as determined. A six year old hardly can judge what’s best for her or the others involved.

MumblesParty · 25/08/2023 12:48

OP when my kids were that age I hated the end of the summer holidays. We always had such a lovely time - trips together, playing in the garden - it was hard work but magical, and I loved watching my little children enjoying themselves. I felt so sad when the new term started, and I can imagine being briefly tempted to keep them home if it had been an option.

But there is so much more to life than fun with Mum. Whilst my kids loved our time together, they also enjoyed seeing friends, school plays, school sports, school games, school trips, the whole variety of things that come with being in a group setting. For my neurotypical kids it would have been selfish to deprive them of that.

Your DD doesn’t have the maturity to grasp the pros and cons of HE. She’s just a happy little girl who loves her mum, but also loves school, and has probably forgotten that, because it was 6 weeks ago!

NuffSaidSam · 25/08/2023 12:50

So, the real problem is, you want to homeschool your DD and your husband isn't on board?

It's a tough one. He's clearly got a point as you can see from all these posts supporting his position. Have you tried talking to him about why you want her at home? Rather than passing off that it's all her request. If you lay out what you think the benefits would be maybe he will come round to try it.

I would just go slowly and not make this decision during the summer, get her back in September and then review from there.

What does your DS think?

felisha54 · 25/08/2023 12:50

It's really tricky because it sounds like your ds had a fairly enjoyable and stress free time at home, doing fun and not school like activities. Plus he gets to be with mummy.

If your dd thrives in school then I would want her to be there. Is it possible she's getting the normal jitters coming ti the end of the summer? What is it about HE that she is motivated by? If it's time with you could you set aside one morning at the weekend for 1:1 mummy/ daughter time?

Either way I'd be sending her to school, but with a view of reviewing it at the end of term. Hopefully by then she'll have readjusted.

NuffSaidSam · 25/08/2023 12:51

jannier · 25/08/2023 12:46

Give her a break from time with her brother let her make her own friends realistically if he's not able to be in school she's going to be a carer in some form as an adult.

That's a bit of a leap! A 9 year old doing better in home ed than at school doesn't indicate that he'll need a carer in later life!

felisha54 · 25/08/2023 12:52

Just seen your update about working weekends. I think it's really important to carve some 1:1 throughout the week with your dd, either in the evenings when your dh is around. Otherwise resentment might build up,

SummerInSun · 25/08/2023 12:53

Absolutely send her back to school - you say she loved it! Your DH is absolutely right that school should be the default unless there is a good reason otherwise as you have with your other child. A 6 year old being reluctant to go back to school after the holidays isn't a good reason.

She is 6. She doesn't understand the difference between being at home during the summer holidays with being stuck doing formal home schooling with you all day every day with your attention divided between trying to teach two kids one with special needs.

I agree she's only little once - that's why she should have all the fun of being with lots of other children her age all day, playing, doing all the fun activities they are set up to do at school you aren't set up to do at home. And with teachers who specialise in teaching her age group. Why would you deprive her of that?