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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to pull my 6 year old out of school just because she wants to be home educated?

379 replies

HomeEduDilemma · 25/08/2023 11:46

Me and DH are not in agreement over this and I am feeling really stuck about it!

Our 9 year old (autistic) came out of school last year and is now home educated. He couldn't cope in mainstream school and we are all in agreement that home ed is the best thing for him.

Our almost 6 year old absolutely thrived in Reception last year academically and socially. She's very attached to me and would love to stay with me, but also enjoys school.

However, now she knows her brother is staying at home all day, she is miserable about going back to school. She's loved meeting up with other home ed kids over the summer and is in tears about school starting again.

I feel like she is only little once and I am at home anyway, so why not home educate her too? I'm sure she would continue doing really well academically with 1:1 attention (both kids very bright/academic).

DH feels like school should be the default and there is no real reason to keep her home. Plus as siblings they often bicker and fight and DS will suffer not getting 100% of my attention.

AIBU? So unsure about what to do for the best.

OP posts:
Canisaysomething · 28/08/2023 19:44

Tell her she can be HE aged 8 onwards like your DS so it's fair. If she still wants to be HE by then you could trial it. She's too young to decide now.

Illbebythesea · 28/08/2023 19:45

Difficult OP! Really difficult. You’re going to get a broad range of opinions here from being in school is absolutely necessary and the most healthy choice to being home educated will be far more beneficial and give her a happier childhood. You really need to follow your gut! I, personally would also be inclined to see how she gets on in the new term and take it from there. If it was something she was insistent and really upset about I would choose to HE both children, if she sort of used it as an excuse of a morning when she couldn’t be bothered, but otherwise came out of school happy & unfazed I would probably continue with school. All the best.

Imisssleep2 · 28/08/2023 19:48

I agree with your husband, once she gets to school for a week or two, she will be fine. Children in general need to socialise with kids their own age and school is ideal for this and making potentially life long friends.

TinkerbellefromYorkshire · 28/08/2023 19:51

I'm all for home education.. with meeting up with other home educated kids.
My Grandsons were/ are all home educated .. one to one daughter 3 to other daughter.
All thriving.. all socialable. All way above their peers.. all ASD. Home education isn't like in lock down.. sat at the table learning all day.. it can be walks in nature collecting things then finding out about them. Museum and library visits.. Church and Cathedral visits.. learning History of the place you live.. swimming once or twice a week.
Their mental health is so much better than it while trying school.
Their intelligence is off the scale for their ages.
They are polite. Kind. Caring. Do not swear ( ages are 18 16 15 and eight) the eldest is starting Uni in September ( local and part time).With other friends who were home educated.. yes with no exam results either because they didn't sit them. It can be done on interviews etc.
Both my daughters were home educated for the last two years of high school.. Best thing l ever did for their mental health.. they got bullied for being " more intelligent" than their peers( wrong school) they both gained 8 very high GCSE's.
I'm no teacher .. l got 6 O levels.. went to college.. taught Road Safety in schools. I'm proud of my daughters and Grandsons.. and would never make a child go to school if it will effect their MH and well being.

itwasntmetho · 28/08/2023 20:06

I'd love to home ed, your children will be socialising anyway with other HE children.

JaffavsCookie · 28/08/2023 20:10

Your mind is already made up Op and you are clearly just looking for validation.
Would just like to point out the counterside, as a secondary teacher I have taught many many kids that have been HE ( popular in the area where I am) either until they started secondary at age 11, or various other points right up to sixth form. Across the board they are less good at working with their peers, adapting to school routines, completing homework, and unilaterally behind where their peers are academically. Possibly an unwelcome truth.

Applesaarenttheonlyfruit · 28/08/2023 20:16

Brieandcamembert · 25/08/2023 16:20

They both need to be in school to learn to socialise, compromise, function in society.

I assume you’re being sarcastic.

You couldn’t pay me to home educate mine, but I like work, I like earning a lot, it suits me to send mine to school. Home school to me would seem the ultimate and best option. I’m pretty certain I could do a good job, but I’m far too selfish. Hats off to those that do it, it must be hard work.

Doone21 · 28/08/2023 20:30

No idea why you're letting a 6yr old decide when she's doing perfectly well where she is.

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 28/08/2023 20:33

If she is thriving in school why are even entertaining the idea of HE.

This sounds like something you want to do rather than what's best for your dd.

As a parent you make a decision on what's best for the child not based on what the child thinks they want.

ChateauMargaux · 28/08/2023 20:45

I think you should ask this question of the home school and flex schooling community. You are already homeschooling one child and your work is structured around that. It is not the same as a family who sends all of their children to school and work Monday to Friday. Society thinks children need to be at school to socialise only with those children born in the same year as them and that the only way they will learn is in a classroom with 29 other children. Many other things and ways through life are possible...

Tornado70 · 28/08/2023 20:49

We were in a similar position a few years ago. DD was home ed from age 7, and DS wanted to join her. He was age 9.
it worked really well. Both thrived. We had a period living overseas, travelled, unschooled.
son opted to go back to school for GCSEs and A levels. DD continued home ed until ages 16 and is now at university.
worked fine for us.

Hedgewitch · 28/08/2023 21:01

Could you talk to her school and see if they'd allow her to attend some of the home ed activity days so she gets the best of both worlds? Perhaps you and your son could also do something at her school occasionally?

Isitautumnyet23 · 28/08/2023 21:06

TheBrightestStarInTheSky · 28/08/2023 19:41

OP your on the wrong forum, never ask for advice about home education from others who have never done it. The shit show over Covid is how many view HE when it's nothing like. I don't know of any HE students who sit alone in a room all day long never venturing outside or talking to anyone else. Most are a lot more sociable as they are never in. They are able to mix easily with people of all ages, and are very adaptable. For some reason people who don't HE prefer to imagine a very different version that suits their own limited way of thinking.

What worries me in this is you say ‘most’. Every child deserves to socialise with other children. No child should ever miss out on the opportunity to be with their friends and school offers opportunities that you can never give them at home. Otherwise we’d all be qualified teachers.

Im sure there are very dedicated home schooling parents who attend every group and activity out there and give their children a good education, but what about the children who dont? How is it regulated/what checks are in place?

There’s some very telling comments from parents who have home schooled here - it fits in with their travel plans or they can have pj days in the week. That’s just the parent being selfish. Neither of those are good or valid reasons to homeschool. Its also not preparing their child in any way for the reality of going out to work in the future and mixing with the rest of society.

LuckySantangelo35 · 28/08/2023 21:07

TinkerbellefromYorkshire · 28/08/2023 19:51

I'm all for home education.. with meeting up with other home educated kids.
My Grandsons were/ are all home educated .. one to one daughter 3 to other daughter.
All thriving.. all socialable. All way above their peers.. all ASD. Home education isn't like in lock down.. sat at the table learning all day.. it can be walks in nature collecting things then finding out about them. Museum and library visits.. Church and Cathedral visits.. learning History of the place you live.. swimming once or twice a week.
Their mental health is so much better than it while trying school.
Their intelligence is off the scale for their ages.
They are polite. Kind. Caring. Do not swear ( ages are 18 16 15 and eight) the eldest is starting Uni in September ( local and part time).With other friends who were home educated.. yes with no exam results either because they didn't sit them. It can be done on interviews etc.
Both my daughters were home educated for the last two years of high school.. Best thing l ever did for their mental health.. they got bullied for being " more intelligent" than their peers( wrong school) they both gained 8 very high GCSE's.
I'm no teacher .. l got 6 O levels.. went to college.. taught Road Safety in schools. I'm proud of my daughters and Grandsons.. and would never make a child go to school if it will effect their MH and well being.

@TinkerbellefromYorkshire

why are they starting uni part- time?
that’s unusual
what will be they doing alongside uni?

Mari9999 · 28/08/2023 21:16

@HomeEduDilemma
Would you have offered your 6 year old the option of selecting her mode of education? As a rule do you think that 6 year olds are equipped or informed enough to make this decision? If so, just let her make decision.

MasterCherry · 28/08/2023 21:18

SophieJo · 28/08/2023 19:35

I’m not sure why you posted as you seem to have made your mind up since you keep defending your position when people recommend sending her back to school.

But why is that actually wrong? OP evidently has some important factors to consider either way. If this thread is helping her to get a sense of which arguments actually matter the most to her, and what decision she should therefore make, then it's doing its job.

MasterCherry · 28/08/2023 21:18

SophieJo · 28/08/2023 19:35

I’m not sure why you posted as you seem to have made your mind up since you keep defending your position when people recommend sending her back to school.

But why is that actually wrong? OP evidently has some important factors to consider either way. If this thread is helping her to get a sense of which arguments actually matter the most to her, and what decision she should therefore make, then it's doing its job.

Tweedlelove · 28/08/2023 21:22

For me it’s different children need different things. I have one in school and one of school for similar reasons. I wound return in September and see. Totally your call. I can’t imagine doing it long term and six is very young.

lifeturnsonadime · 28/08/2023 21:44

catlady2222 · 28/08/2023 18:52

Would love to see how well these home educated kids are going to do in their GCSES....

Genuinely think most people completely misunderstand how much work is completed at school and how the vast majority of people simply cannot recreate this at home.

I would honestly say if you think school isn't meeting their needs, it's nearly 100% because it's a shit school! And I would always recommend finding a better one before donning pjs and doing sweet FA all day.

My home educated DS did well in his GCSEs.

He's now doing better than many of his school educated peers at A Levels (on track for 3 A * ) and is applying, at the suggestion of his 6th form history tutor to read history at Oxford.

HTH.

user9630721458 · 28/08/2023 21:45

'why are they starting uni part- time?
that’s unusual
what will be they doing alongside uni?'

You didn't ask me, but just to say I think this may be a good way forward for many young people. One can work p/t to reduce debt and build up experience and contacts in the area they would like to work in. Uni is so much more expensive now, everything costs so much more, and the job market is arguably more competitive, so working helps. Home ed is very popular in my area. The home educated young people I have met are very comfortable talking with people from all backgrounds and ages, I suppose because they don't spend the majority of their time with just one age group. I imagine they would enjoy the variety and independence of working. Adjusting to classroom environment may be more challenging, but I have certainly met home educated students who seem to be doing very well in their academic studies at Uni.

Underestimated4 · 28/08/2023 21:50

I think your daughter only wants to be at home because her brother is, and she is jealous of his one to one with you, not because it’s the right thing for her. Make sure you plan something nice on a weekend to do with her so she doesn’t feel like she’s missing out. I think it would be the worst thing for her to pull her out of an environment she’s clearly thriving in.

Anna79ishere · 28/08/2023 21:55

Whinge · 25/08/2023 13:57

I can try to change my working pattern but then it will definitely mean less time to devote to home ed for my son. Even if I can work from home, we won't be able to just go swimming or take trips to museums, meet up with other home educators.

Honestly, I think even if it means you son is missing out a bit by changing shifts it's still worth it. Right now you have a 6 year old who never gets to spend 1-1 time with you. She spends the week at school and then doesn't see you on the weekends because you're working. Surely it's worth you son missing out on the occasional swim or museum trip if it means your daughter actually gets to spend some time with you?

The OP is very confusing. She says she wants to treat her kids in equal ways but actually she would not do any accommodating to give more 1:1 time with her 6yo. I think the OP is a teacher who loves HE kids and she just wants to do that. Her DH does not and she just try to find reasons for him. This thread won’t give it to her. She needs to be honest with herself, her real reasons and then convince her husband with honest arguments. What is really the best for her kids seems to be secondary, as many have tried to explain to her all the disadvantages of HE both kids for both of them, but she does not really seem to care. She probably wants to see if she can find reasonable arguments in this thread to show there are advantages to the kids.

Original poster
HomeEduDilemma · 28/08/2023 21:59

Anna79ishere · 28/08/2023 21:55

The OP is very confusing. She says she wants to treat her kids in equal ways but actually she would not do any accommodating to give more 1:1 time with her 6yo. I think the OP is a teacher who loves HE kids and she just wants to do that. Her DH does not and she just try to find reasons for him. This thread won’t give it to her. She needs to be honest with herself, her real reasons and then convince her husband with honest arguments. What is really the best for her kids seems to be secondary, as many have tried to explain to her all the disadvantages of HE both kids for both of them, but she does not really seem to care. She probably wants to see if she can find reasonable arguments in this thread to show there are advantages to the kids.

Edited
Show quote history

If I could accommodate more 1:1 with my 6 year old I would, but I don't see how it is possible at the moment.

OP posts:
Nemesias · 28/08/2023 22:08

It really does seem like you just aren’t willing to do anything at all that might inconvenience your DS in the slightest or take away any slivers of your time, meanwhile your DD goes without your time and attention. How are you so happy and accepting of the impact on your dd? Because you don’t seem bothered at all about it as long as your DS is happy

T1Dmama · 28/08/2023 22:14

So you pull her out of school and the reality of mum actually teaching her and not just socialising with other kids at the park hits home…. Suddenly she has no independence away from you, no friends, social skills?? Then when she decides that actually mummy also being her teacher isn’t actually all that cool and wants to go back to school, will there even be a place Kim school for her?