Was this text ok to my mum?

[user86654110]

My mother said I treat her like a slave and asked her not to treat her like a maid all the time after this text to her.

I asked her to clarify and she said my text message to her was rude and I didn't say please.

For context I'm mid-30s with 2 young kids (she was picking me and the kids up which was pre-agreed).

I thought I was being quite calm having to wait 40mins with the children but maybe IABU after all and am a rude and terrible daughter.

Need honesty here please! I'm an only child so can't ask any siblings for reference.

It’s a bit blunt and to the point but it’s the sort of message my dc would send to me (although more likely to be “k” or “np”) and I wouldn’t think anything of it. Possibly, if it was hot and she had a lot going on, she she might have been feeling a bit sensitive.

i don’t think it was rude at all. All the emojis soften it up.

My mother said I treat her like a slave and asked her not to treat her like a maid all the time after this text to her.

The text is a little blunt, but not enough to warrant that response. There's a wider issue here.

@WeetabixTowels

As I've already pointed out, there are other clues that hint at there being an expectation on OP's part. It's clearly part of a bigger picture.

I'd give my dd short shrift if she sent me that text tbh but it sounds like your dm is unhappy with your demands on her time and the text was likely the straw that broke the camel's back. I think you need a conversation with dm to work out how much your mum feels is reasonable to be asked of her and you need to show a lot more gratitude rather than attitude.

OP knew her mum was coming from about 20 minutes drive away. The chance of her arriving exactly 20 minutes after the text were extremely remote.

If this was me I'd have had to go to the loo, put on my shoes and potentially change out of my slobby wearing round the house only trousers. Then I'd have to get the car out of the garage. And 20 minutes is presumably assuming smooth traffic so if you hit road works, there's another 5 minutes on the time.

Basically it was always more likely to be a 30 minute wait. Unless OP's mum was sat in her car poised and waiting to go.

I think it's cultural. I wouldn't have a problem with those messages - it's an exchange of information that's needed not niceties at that point. But then I'm guessing you and your family are British and there's a requirement for a 'please', 'thank you', 'if it's ok', 'only if not inconvenient '... And maybe a 'hope you're well' at the start :-D

Puts on hard hat for incoming British raised eyebrows and tutting

Or maybe there isn’t a wider issue and her mum is a bit difficult?

Maybe she's fed up of running you and the kids around, if it's a regular occurrence?

Yes! Well put

I’m British and I’m like you. As is all my family!

It depends on how often you look for lifts. If it’s a regular thing then I can see the frustration that might set in. I’m on the other side of this where a family member is expects constant lifts. It’s hard to not sometimes feel pissed off sometimes.

If it’s an irregular thing then your mum is being unreasonable and I’d give her a wide berth for a while , let it cool down

Having said that I hate texting and I’d have probably called to say “I’m ready if you’re ready to pick me up?”. Texting is an unnecessary faff IMO

Yes, a bit rude - your text comes across as very demanding.
I'd have written something along the lines of 'Mum, could you please text when you arrive? It's so hot the kids will wilt if we wait outside. Thanks, see you soon'

Surely it's missing the point whether random MN posters think the text is fine or not? Her mum thinks OP is treating her like a slave - OP going back to her and saying that 80% (or whatever) of MNetters think the text was fine is not going to change that.

Doesn't really matter! The daughter still needs to be considerate and not bark orders! Being difficult is fine btw

I don’t think you were rude at all 🤷‍♀️

It's not even really blunt as PP have said. It's just straightforward and clear. Sometimes via text it's hard to come to a decision or people go back and forth, so it's best to say what you want.

I read the 'park' and then 'text' as something she'd need to hear to process the plan. My DF for example wouldn't think to contact me once he'd let me know he was setting off from the house with a mindset of not being about to text once driving.

But he'd definitely send me a 'I am driving to your house now.' message which would seem odd it wasn't prearranged.

I’m honestly wondering if I’m reading something different to everyone else. Where is the ‘barking’? This was a pre-arranged and agreed pick up. OP said please and thank you. Nothing rude about it! The mum is a bit rude IMO

And it DOES matter - plenty of parents treat their adult children badly and the gaslight them to thinking it’s the other way around

MiraculousLadybird
Definitely team daughter. The mum agreed to do something, fannied about when she was meant to be doing it, left them all waiting, and then got pissy about a perfectly ordinary text message. Seriously hard fucking work

What fannying around did she do?

She agreed that she would pick her dd up and she did exactly that

There was no time set and if someone says they are taking their child in for a school orientation then I wouldn’t have expected the call to be picked up until at least 10am. I have never been to a school orientation that took less than an hour
I think the mum was probably under the expectation that she was clear to let the cleaner in and finish off baking before her dd called

It’s seems fine to me! My mum wouldn’t think twice about that and neither would I with my dc.
If she is sensitive to this though, in the future just add please.

That’s nothing like the ops text reply though. Yours is perfectly pleasant - hers was more “text when you arrive it’s too hot for me to sit around waiting”.

I think your messages are fine, your mother's on the other hand are a bit rude. Why did she agree to meet with 20 minutes notice if she was going to make bread? I'd apologise for making you wait in that circumstance.

I think in the context of a good / solid / trusting relationship this is absolutely fine OP! I definitely have a shorthand with my siblings / stepdad / husband and a few close friends. We all know that we are not entitled, rude or ungrateful so this kind of exchange wouldn't even be worthy of comment (and of course we would thank each other in person!). My take on this is that perhaps there's more background going on here for your mum to be so offended? Does she have form for being a bit dramatic or could she have just been having a bad day?