Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was this text ok to my mum?

298 replies

user86654110 · 25/08/2023 08:16

My mother said I treat her like a slave and asked her not to treat her like a maid all the time after this text to her.

I asked her to clarify and she said my text message to her was rude and I didn't say please.

For context I'm mid-30s with 2 young kids (she was picking me and the kids up which was pre-agreed).

I thought I was being quite calm having to wait 40mins with the children but maybe IABU after all and am a rude and terrible daughter.

Need honesty here please! I'm an only child so can't ask any siblings for reference.

Was this text ok to my mum?
OP posts:
Brefugee · 25/08/2023 10:41

Ifeellikeateenageragain · 25/08/2023 10:31

I think it's cultural. I wouldn't have a problem with those messages - it's an exchange of information that's needed not niceties at that point. But then I'm guessing you and your family are British and there's a requirement for a 'please', 'thank you', 'if it's ok', 'only if not inconvenient '... And maybe a 'hope you're well' at the start :-D

Puts on hard hat for incoming British raised eyebrows and tutting

I'm British. But I'm also German.
Personally? i find the text brusque.

But it isn't about the text. It is about the mum thinking (rightly or not, we don't know) that DD is taking the piss and treating her like a slave.

So instead of "hey, AIBU, how can i make it up to my mum so she doesn't feel like this, i really do appreciate her help" which would have been a good start, we get "wah wah my mum is moaning" posts non-relevant text.

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 25/08/2023 10:42

Text messages can come across really rude and blunt and by reading your texts I can see why she’d feel like you were being a bit rude.

I do think you could have sent a more polite text as it does sound like you expected her to drop everything and come straight away.
Just because it’s prearranged doesn’t mean she’s not busy.

My mum has this idea that I must just sit and wait for her text as when I’ve needed to pick her up it comes across like I can drop everything and leave straight away.

Her response was a bit OTT and so I wonder if there is a back story and she feels a bit taken advantage of (maybe not even just from you).

DameCurlyBassey · 25/08/2023 10:43

Yes, it sounds rude and entitled. If the context is that she is used to being taken for granted then it is doubly so. In the first few texts she is trying to explain that she has things to do in her own life (which she may even need help with) but you don't take the hint and seem to expect her to do as you wish when you wish. The thing about waiting outside sounds passive aggressive.

You are probably not an awful daughter and going into beating yourself up with that will be narcissistic on your part. It would be better to just allow your mum to talk without you getting defensive. Hear her out. You might start to see her as a woman in her own right and not just as mum.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 25/08/2023 10:45

You said please and thank you at the top of the messages which can be seen by clicking on it.
I don't think the texts are rude. They are texts not essays
but I guess it is the context which is why many people have used the phrase the straw that broke .. etc
So whilst I wouldn't have batted an eyelid if I'd had them from my DC, its probably more to do with your mum feeling underappreciated and a chat with her about that... a nice cake for tea or flowers or buying her lunch - would probably go a long way and could soften the situation a lot.

I do have a vision of you waiting in one spot for 40 minutes in the hot sun with two restless kids after a school orientation (which can be quite stressful and lots to think about and remember perhaps and kids just wanting to go home) and maybe your mum needs to understand that, no rudeness was intended.

I took it to mean you were explaining why it was difficult to wait on the pavement, but as soon as she got there you would come straight out - which seems really reasonable to me - but maybe she just didn't get that.

Sounds like she might need a bit of TLC, but perhaps you do too.!
I wouldn't let this text go by without having a good chat with her. However, depends what your relationship is as to how you handle it - is she generally intolerant? Has she got a lot going on in her life? Is she feeling down and just needs to feel appreciated?

Having said all that I have sometimes texted "You are very welcome!!" to my youngest when I've not been thanked for doing something which I admit is a bit sarky. I look on this as a learning curve because I always get a text straight back, and I do it because I want that habit to be learned when dealing with other people, not just Mum.
Send her a funny meme that will make her laugh.

tiredmama23 · 25/08/2023 10:45

WeetabixTowels · 25/08/2023 10:38

And it DOES matter - plenty of parents treat their adult children badly and the gaslight them to thinking it’s the other way around

Plenty of adult children treat their parents badly, too 🤷‍♀️

TorroFerney · 25/08/2023 10:46

WeetabixTowels · 25/08/2023 10:00

I just don’t know any close 2 people who would say “Would you mind terribly parking the car please where you parked it last time, thank you ever so much, I’m so grateful”. Surely with our nearest and dearest people don’t speak like that! OP said please and thank you. Nothing abrupt whatsoever

Show quote history

Well they don’t, they just add two words “can you” or “could you”. Hardly an essay.

Brefugee · 25/08/2023 10:46

tbh i think that all that is needed here is OP to say to her mum "sorry mum, i realise you think i've been taking you for granted, i really appreciate all the help"

it would go a long way. I did a seminar recently where we did one of those personality tests, then got tips on how to treat people with the different personality types. So if they're one of the "good hearted but need feedback" but you're the "brusque leadership" type, you have to remember to ask how they are, remember to thank them when they do you favours, and generally be a bit more effusive than you would to someone of the same personality type of you.

A lot of these personality things are guff, but that seems sensible.

Barney60 · 25/08/2023 10:49

i dont think it was rude, short maybe blunt, a bit bossy , just maybe your mum had had a bad day too, if my daughter had sent this to me id of come back with, you wern't brought up this way, manners!

Lovingitallnow · 25/08/2023 10:49

I think it starts with the first message. You should have arranged a time that suited you both. You also say in the op you were patient having to wait 40 mins. As though she should be grateful you were patient or that there was any other option.

Positive41 · 25/08/2023 10:51

I do not find this message rude at all.

diddl · 25/08/2023 10:51

I think the mum was probably under the expectation that she was clear to let the cleaner in and finish off baking before her dd called

Or that the cleaner would have been there & kind enough to take the bread out if necessary?

WeetabixTowels · 25/08/2023 10:52

TorroFerney · 25/08/2023 10:46

Well they don’t, they just add two words “can you” or “could you”. Hardly an essay.

Show quote history

I’m flabbergasted that two words of six letters is apparently the difference between rude and entitled and perfectly polite. It’s a text - we don’t speak to people on texts the way we do IRL

Bubop · 25/08/2023 10:52

How old is she? For me, the 🥵makes it not sound blunt or rude but I can’t articulate why… I would send the same to my mum (who is a young 50 something), but not to my grandma who she would probably find it a bit blunt.

butterpuffed · 25/08/2023 10:53

When the mum mentions the bread not being quite cooked and the cleaner having issues , I think she's trying to say she's not at OP's beck and call , and feels taken for granted .

It's not just about the text as OP seems to think. There's obviously more to it .

Ohthatsabitshit · 25/08/2023 10:54

I’d send that to my mum who is 80+ and I’m 50+!!! It’s totally normal for us

WeetabixTowels · 25/08/2023 10:54

But I think this is about expectations around language. Like me OP you have short texts that are to the point, it that’s not to say they’re rude. Your mum expects a bit more around pleasantries. I don’t think anyone is the bad guy here

Florenceatemycake · 25/08/2023 10:58

I personally would not speak to my mum like that, especially if she was doing me a favour.

greenmarsupial · 25/08/2023 10:58

Bubop · 25/08/2023 10:52

How old is she? For me, the 🥵makes it not sound blunt or rude but I can’t articulate why… I would send the same to my mum (who is a young 50 something), but not to my grandma who she would probably find it a bit blunt.

I agree, the emoji takes the bluntness away for me but might not for someone else.

strawberryandcreams · 25/08/2023 11:02

From your replies it seems like you were annoyed having to wait 40mins for your mum. Even though you asked her to pick you up and she had valid reasons. Maybe that's why you're message came across a bit blunt, because you were annoyed. Just say sorry. Texts can come across as blunt so I always make sure to use emojis or say please and thanks.

Peddlefaster · 25/08/2023 11:03

Brefugee · 25/08/2023 10:46

tbh i think that all that is needed here is OP to say to her mum "sorry mum, i realise you think i've been taking you for granted, i really appreciate all the help"

it would go a long way. I did a seminar recently where we did one of those personality tests, then got tips on how to treat people with the different personality types. So if they're one of the "good hearted but need feedback" but you're the "brusque leadership" type, you have to remember to ask how they are, remember to thank them when they do you favours, and generally be a bit more effusive than you would to someone of the same personality type of you.

A lot of these personality things are guff, but that seems sensible.

This is really good advice. Not everyone has the same reactions so always try and see things from someone else’s point of view

FictionalCharacter · 25/08/2023 11:05

That looks fine to me. I don't see anything rude. It was a prearranged pickup and you did say please. The brief messages is exactly how I and my dh and dc text each other. We don't use texts in a chatty way.

If she's suddenly saying you treat her like a slave, there must be some resentment bubbling under.

saffronsoup · 25/08/2023 11:05

Many people don't respond that well to orders or demands or directed speech.

If your spouse texted you to Stop at the store, buy milk and meat. Be home by 5:30. You would probably bristle - being given directives / order rather than being asked tends to make people feel frustrated. No one likes orders being barked at them - in person or by text.

The text comes across as rude to me because we don't order each other around. I am guessing your mother is getting frustrated with the orders / demands and being told what to do.

Itsnotallaboutyoulikeyouthink · 25/08/2023 11:06

I don’t think it’s the text message as such as much as that you asked her to park up. She gave you a time so you could have waited outside for 5 mins that wouldn’t have been unreasonable.

jlpth · 25/08/2023 11:07

tiredmama23 · 25/08/2023 10:19

@WeetabixTowels

Wow, your comprehension is really struggling today. Again, let me help.

No, it's not CF to ask for a lift. Re-read my comment again. The CF is the expectation that you are entitled to that lift.

Hope that helps. 😀

If mum agreed in advance, which she did, then the op is absolutely fully entitled to think that mum will go through with what she agreed to - not fanny around when the time comes. Flaky mum imo.

GraysPapaya · 25/08/2023 11:08

My word people are easily offended, absolutely nothing wrong with those texts. Life must be so hard for the permanently offended!