Was this text ok to my mum?

[user86654110]

My mother said I treat her like a slave and asked her not to treat her like a maid all the time after this text to her.

I asked her to clarify and she said my text message to her was rude and I didn't say please.

For context I'm mid-30s with 2 young kids (she was picking me and the kids up which was pre-agreed).

I thought I was being quite calm having to wait 40mins with the children but maybe IABU after all and am a rude and terrible daughter.

Need honesty here please! I'm an only child so can't ask any siblings for reference.

I send messages much like yours OP. And I much rather when people message me with concise information rather than littering it with thanks.
However, I have learned that depending on who I'm messaging I need to tailor my style, if it's someone who needs lots of verbal thanks and reassuring I add it into my messages. I never usually put X at the end of my messages but there's a few contacts that I've realised will perceive me as being off with them if I don't - so I add it in.

Hmmm I actually think based on the info in your posts, your mum is taking the piss. Granted she is doing you a favour but if I agree to pick someone up with 20 minutes notice, I don’t put bread on which needs 23 minutes or more. Or I at least pre warn someone that I might need more than 20 minutes notice. But apart from that, if I received that text, which I think is softened by the emoji, I would think it was from someone who is sending a quick text while simultaneously trying to marshal two restless children in the heat and maybe wasn’t focussing too much on the specific wielding but just sending over what I needed to know.

The caveat to that is as others have said, that this could be part of a wider context of you taking her for granted - my comment is based on the info you’ve provided in the thread.

If I agree to give someone a lift at some point in the morning, I would still do things throughout the morning and expect them to give me a time when they know or some advance notice. If they expected that my entire morning is theirs and my duty is just to be ready by the phone with keys in hand and dash when they say come now, I would find that entitled.

It was blunt but not awful. It just depends on how you communicate with your mum normally etc.

Women are always expected to soften our speech, and this is the first time I've heard of someone being expected to put more words in a text. Please & thank you are something I say face to face.

if my DD says to me "can you pick me and the DCs up after we do x thing on y morning" we all know that i need 20 minutes or more to get there.

We also know that the thing is not fixed in timings. So. In our case i would have no worries about baking bread (40 minutes in the oven) on that morning. And my own DD would have zero issues saying by text "all done, can you come now?" and if i replied that i can't leave for 20 minutes she would then decide if she wanted to wait (hot, but somewhere in the shade to wait) or let me know she's making alternative arrangements.

Under those circs the only issue i have with OPs text is the thing about parking up - have explained previously that's a faff and i would say "no". My DD would also, on receiving an "on way" text - then get the DCs out to where we had agreed to meet around 20 minutes after that. Job done. Nobody's nose put out.

But then i don't feel as though, outside of this one favour, I'm being used as a slave. In which case i'd start saying "nope" and that would be that.

I don't think the message is bad but am wondering if your mum is feeling a little stressed/overwhelmed for some reason?

it is literally in the OP: the mum wasn't complaining about the text (according to the OP) but that after this text she told OP she was being treated like a slave.

As several of us keep saying: it isn't about the text

Good point!

Sorry but yeah you're rude. You're making demands and sound like you're telling her what to do rather than making requests or lightly commenting on things.

'Come and get us'

'Park the car'

'It's too hot for us to be outside' (like this is her fault and you're blaming her for not getting you faster).

Maybe try some please and thank yous and 'I appreciate it'. And no 'ok' say 'that's fine thanks'.

The op’s mum did not do as agreed. She baked bread. Regardless of whether the agreement was reasonable, mum had agreed to be available for a short notice pickup that morning. And she wasn’t available. So the op waited 40 mins. Even if you think the op should have got a taxi, that is also irrelevant at the stage where the mum had agreed. So mum was late and then wanted her feet kissing for doing something she agreed to. None of the texts were rude.

if it was a problem and she thought the op should get a taxi, she should have said upfront. Rather than agreeing then fannying and being late.

She's annoyed because she asked for a 20 minutes warning before she needed to leave (if it takes 20 minutes to drive that is why she took 40 minutes) so she was probably in a flap a bit herself because you failed to do that. Then the next message about parking does come across as blunt. If she's been driving you around a lot while you wait to get your car she's probably just a bit fed up of being taxi driver.

If you find that entitled and don’t want to be available for short notice pickups, that is fine. But you need to state that at the outset - “I might take longer than 20 mins as I will be [whatever]”. Not just fail to do as you agreed.

Where is the text of OP giving her any notice at all?

Who knows what the planning conversation was but clearly the mother expected at least a little bit of notice. Most people would send a text when they know the time or to give some notice. The other is feeling taken advantage of, and not givng any notice at all might be part of that.

Not rude, to my eyes. You did say please and thanks in your first couple of messages.

Not rude, just direct which there's nothing wrong with. I think if we all stopped reading messages when overloaded by our own emotions, we'd all get less het up about text exchanges in general.

She obviously feels how she feels but it seems like there's a backstory with your relationship or how she sees it anyway.

She didn't "make" OP hang around. She couldn't have magicked her car there the instant she was summoned anyway, and if she wanted to be mean to OP she would have refused to pick her up at all.

OP knew when her mum was leaving, she knew it was a 20 minute journey. So she could have taken the kids out 20 minutes after that text, a couple of minutes outside wouldn't have killed any of them.

If you agree to collect someone some time in the morning as a favour, no-one with any sense expects you to be sitting around, keys in hand, ready to leap into the car as soon as they say they are ready.

Where does OP say her mum failed to do as agreed?

Yes it's quite cheeky. Barking out orders as to what she should do. Get the bus.

How do you know what OP's mum did or did not agree? There's every chance that what she actually said was words to the effect of "Yes, but I've got other stuff to do and I have to wait for the cleaner, so you might have to wait a bit."

All perfectly fine. Texts are meant to be short and to the point - you can thank her in person, it doesn't need saying in a text. She is being a prima donna

Just wondering. Did she bring it up on the journey home?

Or was the slave text the first notification?

i just can't get past the fact that you have 101 unread messages

you ANIMAL

OP
Can you at least see your mums point of view now, as I'm guessing you couldn't at first hence the need for a thread about it ?! Was that in the hope of being ' right' and winning the argument??