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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was this text ok to my mum?

298 replies

user86654110 · 25/08/2023 08:16

My mother said I treat her like a slave and asked her not to treat her like a maid all the time after this text to her.

I asked her to clarify and she said my text message to her was rude and I didn't say please.

For context I'm mid-30s with 2 young kids (she was picking me and the kids up which was pre-agreed).

I thought I was being quite calm having to wait 40mins with the children but maybe IABU after all and am a rude and terrible daughter.

Need honesty here please! I'm an only child so can't ask any siblings for reference.

Was this text ok to my mum?
OP posts:
ToughFuss · 25/08/2023 08:29

Yes, I think, on this occasion, you were quite rude in your tone, and rather bossy. As for you saying ‘ I think I was quite calm waiting with two kids for 40 mins’ yes… your own children… waiting for your mum to kindly give you a lift… I am sure you aren’t a terrible daughter, at all, but this doesn’t come across all that well.

Stratocumulus · 25/08/2023 08:30

Not rude at all. I don’t mean this unkindly but is she being a bit precious? Was she stressed or anxious?
Probably similar to how my mum/me/kids would text one another. Shorthand just to get the job done.
You might want to have a chat about it & to keep the wheels oiled, say sorry for being a bit blunt?
Maybe drop a few please & thanks into ongoing messages to keep her happy?
Give her a hug today. You’re her only one, she won’t want alienation. Job done. 🤗

Testina · 25/08/2023 08:31

I’m really surprised at the first wave of replies saying it’s rude or blunt. You said please in your first text! And then it’s just chit chat back and forth. Looks like perfectly normal conversation to me.

Impossible to say whether it’s the straw that broke the camel’s back, or she just likes to have an excuse to have a go.

I think the before and after is more important than the exchange we see here - even with you please, do you expect too much? When you got in the car did you say thank you, and if you did was it a cursory “thanks” or a proper acknowledgment that she took up her time when she had other things to deal with (bread, cleaners…)

Were her bread / cleaner comments that you were supposed to have picked up on?

tbh if I’m looking something rude, it’s that you’ve got her as your taxi and can’t even be bothered to say, “cleaner trouble - oh no?”

N27 · 25/08/2023 08:31

it comes across as rude to me… she is picking you up so I presume doing you a favour but you are giving her directions like an a list celeb to their skivvies 😂

It has an air of “I do not wish to be inconvenienced, park the car, text me and I will come out when I am ready”

it’s not an unreasonable request but could definitely have been worded nicer

Problesolving · 25/08/2023 08:31

She is doing you a favour. It would have been polite to agree a time in advance so she knew what was happening and could plan her day. You did come across as rude and demanding.

redskytwonight · 25/08/2023 08:32

I also think your text was a bit short.

And, once she said she couldn't arrive until 9.40, I'm not sure why you didn't just get a taxi home and ask her to meet her there rather than waiting about for 40 minutes in the heat (assuming she wasn't just driving 20 minutes to give you a lift but there was some social element as well)

Testina · 25/08/2023 08:32

ToughFuss · 25/08/2023 08:29

Yes, I think, on this occasion, you were quite rude in your tone, and rather bossy. As for you saying ‘ I think I was quite calm waiting with two kids for 40 mins’ yes… your own children… waiting for your mum to kindly give you a lift… I am sure you aren’t a terrible daughter, at all, but this doesn’t come across all that well.

I’d agree with this - it’s a bit of a hint that you might be demanding and entitled!

Valerie23 · 25/08/2023 08:33

'Let me know when you're parked and we will be straight out. Thank you.'

All mine know that if they don't say please or thank you then I won't be putting myself out to help.

MidnightOnceMore · 25/08/2023 08:34

It's just tone. If you said 'thanks Mum, do you want to just text when you arrive and we'll come straight out? If we wait outside the kids might melt!' it would acknowledge the favour (thanks) and make it seem like a suggestion not an order (?) and be a bit lighter.

TeeBee · 25/08/2023 08:34

I agree it sounds a bit blunt. It's the kind of thing I might send my son if distracted or busy with something. And he'd most likely reply 'please!' The downside of teaching your kids manners 🙄😀 I'd just apologise and say 'I'm really sorry I am extremely grateful. I'm sorry I didn't come across that way'.

Bitsadtoday1 · 25/08/2023 08:34

Your update puts it in more context for me.

Picking someone up ‘sometime in the morning’ is very vague and your mum’s response about the bread is her trying to say ‘I have actually got a life you know’

If it’s a 20 min drive I would have liked notice at least 20 mins before setting off if that makes sense. So something like ‘we’re ready now mum, be great if you could pick us up, we’ll wait a bit if you’re tied up still no worries’

Your ‘hot and humid’ remark implies you’re annoyed about the extra wait.

HeadNorth · 25/08/2023 08:35

I am not understanding the majority of these responses. It looks like a completely normal text exchange to me. This is the OP’s mum, surely quick communication is normal & practical, I wouldn’t expect to have to tiptoe around & write a lengthy text about something as basic as a pre - arranged lift.

fettuccini · 25/08/2023 08:35

I don't see an issue at all. She's agreed in advance to pick you up and then did a task that meant she would be late. You did say please in your first message even if it is a bit blunt. Maybe you could have phrased it a bit more like ' we are ready to be picked up now when you're free'. But this is how I'd text with my mum too.

Jl2014 · 25/08/2023 08:36

I didn’t think you were rude at all. Your mum’s messages at the start made her sound a little frazzled. That’s probably the issue.

Brefugee · 25/08/2023 08:36

I still think it's rude, especially as she's doing you a favour. So next time, a bit of please and thank you will go a long way.

As a rule of thumb if someone is doing you a favour you don't just change the arrangement if it inconveniences them in any way, even very small, without the "would you mind" type of approach.

HelpMeGetThrough · 25/08/2023 08:37

I think after that little lot, if I was her, my response would have been "what did your last slave die of?"

saraclara · 25/08/2023 08:38

Text can sometimes have an unintended tone.

And that's the major problem with messaging. You write something in one 'tone of voice' but the recipient reads it in another.

One of my DDs writes in this direct fashion, and I have to really work hard to not be put out sometimes.
I'd have written " would you mind texting us when you've parked up, please? I'm going to try to keep the kids out of the sun while we wait. Thanks!"

Floatlikeafeather2 · 25/08/2023 08:38

Context is all. What happened when you did get to the car? Were you suitably grateful then? Mothers of adults are human too. When it came to it, she might not have felt like driving around in a car on a hot and humid day, either. It sounds like her day was already proving to be a bit difficult from the bits of text we can see before and yes, as pp said, this reeks of the straw that broke the camel's back, either as an accumulation of things on that day or of previous occasions when you seem to have not realised you were dealing with your mother, rather than your PA. Texts are tricky though just because they're basically shorthand and tone cannot be easily conveyed.

fettuccini · 25/08/2023 08:39

Can other posters not read? There is a place and thank you in the message thread! There's not need to repeatedly thank someone.

IHateLegDay · 25/08/2023 08:40

It comes across quite bossy. If my mum was doing me a favour, I'd be saying lots of please and thank you's.

Hercisback · 25/08/2023 08:40

There's not a lot of manners from you considering she's doing you a favour.

doroda · 25/08/2023 08:42

They're not terrible but they do come across as a bit demanding. I wouldn't text my mum like that tbh

LG93 · 25/08/2023 08:42

I think it's the general undertone, and like a few pp's have said the texts do read that you feel inconvenienced at having to wait for her to collect you. Equally I appreciate that not everyones relationships require lots of manners and the 'to the point' approach is fine, particularly if you're juggling kids.

I think the first message I'd have probably phrased more as a 'we're ready when you are' which would have still allowed your mum to say she'd be there around 9.40 but without it feeling like you've ordered her to drop everything on your whim. And your response to her saying 9.40 I'd have probably gone for a 'thank you xx' rather than ok. Your message about going in does read a bit like you're annoyed that you're waiting. I'd have probably gone for more of a 'the heats a bit much for the kids so I've taken them back in but if you let me know when you're here we'll come and meet you ' just feels a bit less accusatory and let's her know that you're not expecting her to come and find you etc.

I do think there is probably more to it than this specific text exchange, without being there we can't know if there's been similar exchanges previously, or your tone when you got in the car.

Did you say thank you when you got in? If either of my parents picked me up it would be the first thing I said when I get in, and again when I get out, even if my messages had been blunt

HowToSaveAWife · 25/08/2023 08:43

A simple "can you park..." Or "do you mind parking..." The "Park then text" sounds demanding and very rude and would piss me off too OP.

SammySays · 25/08/2023 08:43

I’d say quite rude also. Dictating where she should park and how she should let you know she is there so that you aren’t inconvenienced by waiting for her in the heat when she is ultimately doing you a favour is a bit rich imo. A ‘would you mind’ or finishing with a ‘thank we really appreciate you doing this’ would have gone a long way I think.