Was this text ok to my mum?

[user86654110]

My mother said I treat her like a slave and asked her not to treat her like a maid all the time after this text to her.

I asked her to clarify and she said my text message to her was rude and I didn't say please.

For context I'm mid-30s with 2 young kids (she was picking me and the kids up which was pre-agreed).

I thought I was being quite calm having to wait 40mins with the children but maybe IABU after all and am a rude and terrible daughter.

Need honesty here please! I'm an only child so can't ask any siblings for reference.

I am going against the grain here and think your texts are fine! That’s how I text my DH - we just say words rather than lots of x etc. You did say please with a smilie on the first message!

I actually think your mum’s replies are a little blunt!

Where is your please??

In the first message 🙄

OP it’s fine. I think the problem with texts is there’s no tone so the reader reads it in whatever mood they’re in or feel inclined to read it in.

My mother said I treat her like a slave and asked her not to treat her like a maid all the time

This is very telling to me. It's clearly part of a wider problem.

"I thought I was being quite calm having to wait 40mins with the children"

This is the key to it all. You didn't "have to wait". You could've sorted out your own transport problems because your mum was clearly busy. Why wouldn't you be calm? They are your kids, she's not your skivvy and it's not her problem you are hot and bothered but it sounds like you suggested it was when you got in the car.

This!

Honestly if it was me I’d just text saying “Ready” 🤣🤣

I'm in my early 40s with 2 toddlers and my mum is wonderful for doing me favours if my DH has the car or she's offering help

I agree about the placement of the 'please' and that 'ok thanks' brushes over the fact she is clearly a bit stressed and short on time. And the last message feels a bit like a demand

I always make sure to not just say please and thank you but always 'really appreciate your help mum' inserted somewhere as well as 'no rush' if I sense she's flapping a bit. 'Thank you so much mum' is also much politer than 'ok thanks' which can sound a bit passive aggressive

It’s obvious that like with all opinions, half of us think it’s a rude exchange, half of us don’t.

The point is your mum felt that she needed to comment, so there was clearly a problem for her with this particular favour, or even other demands you may put on her. Impossible to tell from one exchange.

The initial exchange makes it clear that she was busy so she was already doing you a favour. Although you said please and thank you in the initial texts, the tone is still a bit peremptory - it has the sort of tone you would use if you were asking an underling to do something when you both know they don't have a choice. The fact that you expected her to drop everything and come to collect you is only too clearly demonstrated by your statement that "I thought I was being quite calm having to wait 40mins with the children but maybe IABU after all and am a rude and terrible daughter" - you clearly feel that you had a right to be cross about that wait. Why?

I think in those circumstances my text about pick up arrangements would have been along the lines of "Would you mind texting when you get here, I'm a bit worried about DC waiting in the sun" and I would have been very grateful on getting into the car.

I send texts like this often, I say similar to markeplace buyers all the time.

Just the other day one said 'on our way now' and I replied 'Great, just text me when you get to the car park and I'll pop out with it'... seemingly no hurt feelings. It just convey the info easily.

I agree entirely with this.

I don't quite get these responses, there is both a please and thank you in that exchange! Do you really need to keep adding more pleases in to every text about the details of the same favour? It's not like texting when you've parked is a huge additional favour, pretty standard arrangement I would think?

The only things I can think are:
A) she was never that happy about the arrangements and going along grudgingly, so hypersensitive. We can't see where you originally arranged that she would be picking you up from this event so no idea how politely you asked originally or whether you were clear on timescales (the fact she put bread on when she knew you were expecting a lift suggests she'd either misunderstood the timescales or was making a point about being busy!)
B) she's taken you mentioning the heat as a dig about how long you've had to wait rather than just an explanation. Which to be fair I might have as well.
C) were you huffy about waiting rather than saying thanks in person when you got in the car?
D) this is part of a bigger picture of her doing a lot for you or your manners not meeting her expectations and the straw that broke the camels back.

No idea if any of that is true but if not, nothing wrong with the messages as they stand!

I do the same with my DH but I think the key difference here is that the kids are our joint responsibility, as is the house. So short, snappy texts asking for things don't need the peppering of politeness

But when a loved one is doing you a favour and putting themselves out for you (even if they would do it regardless) then more politeness is a nice touch I think

Rude!

...but marketplace buyers aren't doing you a favour and taking time out of their day to ferry you around? Surely that's a completely different scenario?

If I was texting my mum about somewhere we were meeting together, they would be short and to the point. But if she's taking time out of her day for me I am appreciate and let her know in my texts

For me she said she would be there at 9.40 & it sounds like was already waiting for you & you were still inside waiting to hear from her.

I know you put it was hot but I'd be wondering why you waited until then to tell me that you were inside & to let you know when I arrived.

That was rude I think.

It's usual to be out & looking for someone isn't it when you know what time they'll be there?

@Hollyisalrightactuallysorry

Yes, I agree with you - I'd probably be way more blunt with my DP but he is jointly responsible for our shared child. With any extended family member who is essentially doing me a favour - be that a parent or sibling - there'd always be far more politeness and niceties within a text because ultimately they are not responsible for sharing the load of my children.

People are saying that OPs mum decided to bake bread when she had another commitment/ can’t manage her time.

OP says the arrangement was ‘sometime in the morning’ That could be 8 or 11.30? So mum can’t do anything at all in case she gets the text?

Messages like that wouldn't bother me, or my mum, at all. Not mushy and lovey dovey, but not rude or demanding either.

I'm usually in a rush when I'm texting and leaving the house and arranging when/where to meet someone so I'm used to one word/blunt messages in that respect. In this kind of situation I often don't have time to sit and word a message perfectly and put please thank you in every single message etc. being cheery and sticking an emoji in helps sets the tone.

But context is important. What your relationship is like day to day, how well you communicate, do you think you may be a bit demanding and blunt all the time and this is the last straw?

Hmm. I'm in a happy chilled mood today and I read that text about parking the car and thought, wow that's abrupt and rude.

I think the texts are fine and didn't come across rude to me.

It's your mum, she doesn't need a please and thank you after each and every sentence. She isn't some random acquaintance. She sounds very difficult and annoying. You were not rude, she is for making you and the kids hang around just because she could.

I think that's more to this than just a text message, to be honest. We don't have the preamble and we don't know how OP acted when she arrived at the car.

I think your please and thank you etc is fine.

You didnt acknowledge her being busy is probably the issue. I would have said something like "sounds like a busy morning, hope cleaner sorted soon. Will get car sorted asap as you could do with out driving us around. Much appreciated but if too much let me know"

I thought I was being quite calm having to wait 40mins with the children but maybe IABU after all and am a rude and terrible daughter.

This is the revealing part of your post. You didn't have to wait, did you? You could have got a taxi. Yet you seem to feel that your mother should have been ready to set off the moment you called, and that you would have been justified in not being calm about it and making a fuss although she was doing you quite a major favour. The stuff about being hot and humid sounds very like a passive-aggressive dig along the same lines.

The time wasn't set, op was to text her mum when ready, it's a 20 min journey.
Her mum didn't have an exact pick up time, and probably thought her dd would be a bit longer.