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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was this text ok to my mum?

298 replies

user86654110 · 25/08/2023 08:16

My mother said I treat her like a slave and asked her not to treat her like a maid all the time after this text to her.

I asked her to clarify and she said my text message to her was rude and I didn't say please.

For context I'm mid-30s with 2 young kids (she was picking me and the kids up which was pre-agreed).

I thought I was being quite calm having to wait 40mins with the children but maybe IABU after all and am a rude and terrible daughter.

Need honesty here please! I'm an only child so can't ask any siblings for reference.

Was this text ok to my mum?
OP posts:
Brefugee · 25/08/2023 08:44

fettuccini · 25/08/2023 08:39

Can other posters not read? There is a place and thank you in the message thread! There's not need to repeatedly thank someone.

you can only see the please if you click on the image and aren't on a phone where it would be the size of a grain of sand

the first please is to come and get them. It is not wrong at all.

The thank you is that the mum is coming.

But then the command voice "park the car" is jarring. Because it sounds as though that wasn't the previous arrangement. If it's too hot for children, it might be too hot for the mum too. And it makes no sense anyway because now mum must: park the car, go to the DD, go back to the car.

For me, picking up my DD that involves a faff finding a space, walking several hundred metres, up the stairs, back down the stairs, walking back to the car.
Me stopping in a car park (where you can't park and leave the car, but you could just sit in it and wait) which is just across the street - and them coming out to me. Or being there ready 20 minutes after i leave is infinitely more convenient. Especially to the one doing the favour.

VitaminDee · 25/08/2023 08:45

In many cultures this kind of exchange would be absolutely fine. In the UK we do lots of polite pleasing and thanking and don’t give direct instructions!!

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 25/08/2023 08:46

you do seem a bit short, yes. (The two okays particularly. especially combined with how you have her parking instructions)

was she quite stressed? It seems to me as if she felt a bit short on time going by her message about bread / cleaner tbh.

”9.40ish is great, thanks 😊” would have been a better response IMO.

rookiemere · 25/08/2023 08:47

Yes it's the park the car message that is a bit demanding.
Your DM has gone to the trouble of coming out on a hot day to pick you up and it does come across a bit badly.
It would have softened it if you had said something like "Can you let us know when you've got here please and we'll run straight out ? Don't want the kids to melt in the heat LOL. Thanks"

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 25/08/2023 08:48

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 25/08/2023 08:46

you do seem a bit short, yes. (The two okays particularly. especially combined with how you have her parking instructions)

was she quite stressed? It seems to me as if she felt a bit short on time going by her message about bread / cleaner tbh.

”9.40ish is great, thanks 😊” would have been a better response IMO.

And the park the car message… it really sounds as if your instructing a delivery driver.

not asking your mum for a favour!

BlackBean2023 · 25/08/2023 08:49

I'm in my thirties with two kids and those messages read like my messages with my 15 year old DD only in the mum.

I often feel like I have to drop everything at her beck and call so perhaps your mum feels the same no way will I still be doing it when she's in her 30s

rookiemere · 25/08/2023 08:51

Also rereading looks as if she is regretting offering- the other things do seem a bit trivial, but clearly important to her.
Ideally you might have said "You still ok to help us out Mum ? We can figure something else out if not ."

Tooshytoshine · 25/08/2023 08:51

You are busy and tired with two toddlers - don't overthink it. Your mum sounds like she was having a stressful morning but took out her frustrations at feeling put upon on you. She gave herself too much to do and was late by 40 mins on the suggested timeframe. This could have been prevented by not urgently baking and giving her regular cleaner a key.

I would just say to her it was brevity rather than rudeness in the text messages as you were toddler wrangling and that you thought it was implicit how much you love and value her.

My mum would do this - my sister and I roll our eyes but there is no need to pack your bags for a guilt trip.

Takeabreather23 · 25/08/2023 08:55

I think sometimes just saying “if you “ could bit we write things a lot shorted in txts and how they are not always a good idea.
You were feeling a tad hot hanging around with your two kids . Just tell your mum this . Sorry it sounded sharp was just the heat and two kids trying to keep them occupied , you know how it is .

Then just keep and eye on how you ask for help moving forward . Your not a bad daughter for person . You are human

GameOverBoys · 25/08/2023 08:55

I think your messages are completely fine. I’m very straight forward though so I imagine people find me rude too.
I find it exhausting to have to put so much hedging and so many social niceties on messages and emails. It makes things so much harder at work because I really need to think about it.

5128gap · 25/08/2023 08:56

Given its a text message, I wouldn't find it rude, no. However, I do remember having messages with my DS and asking him if I'd upset him because he was 'short' with me. So I think its easy for messages to come across more bluntly that you intend to be.
That said, I do pick up a bit of an entitled tone throughout your posts. Your mum was going out of her way to fetch you and you obviously think you were hard done to because you had to wait 40 minutes, and it was good of you not to have complained. If that's reflective of the way you think in general, then my guess is that your mums reaction here has been a while brewing.
She may be your mum, you may be her only child but she's a person doing you a favour and it sounds like she's feeling taken for granted.

SlipSlidinAway · 25/08/2023 08:56

I think your mother has a point.

CrotchetyQuaver · 25/08/2023 08:56

A please and thank you wouldn't have gone amiss. YABU

ClairDeLaLune · 25/08/2023 08:57

Yeah it’s a bit rude. You could’ve typed “would you be ok parking the car and texting when you get here please”. Also you’re expecting your mum to wait in the heat for you but won’t do the same for her…

Iwantcakeeveryday · 25/08/2023 08:58

No, not rude at all. Its text messaging, thats very normal and it was hot, you have kids to think of and are texting while looking after them. My god people are emotionally demanding! Its a text! Don;t do a favour of you don't want to, but to act like someone needs to add lots of pleases and thank yous when you're late is a bit much. What do I know, my Mum thought the same when I missed off a please when she was two hours late to bring me food after I had delivered my first baby! She was busy visiting friends so.....

CocoPlum · 25/08/2023 08:58

BlackBean2023 · 25/08/2023 08:49

I'm in my thirties with two kids and those messages read like my messages with my 15 year old DD only in the mum.

I often feel like I have to drop everything at her beck and call so perhaps your mum feels the same no way will I still be doing it when she's in her 30s

Yep this - it reads like my kids' messages from this week when they've made arrangements to go out and then I'm just summoned when they are ready even though I'm working.

Also I'm not sure where you are in the world but this is a school orientation that is finished at 9am (going by 40 min wait)? So maybe your mum assumed that it would be on for longer so she'd have time to do those things.

Original poster
user86654110 · 25/08/2023 09:01

Oh I didn't realise some people can't see the whole message without clicking on the image. I did say please and thanks!
But noted on the "would/do you mind" going forward.

OP posts:
KajsaKavat · 25/08/2023 09:01

I think it depends on how often you ask your mum to be your taxi service . The messages are fine I think, but I wouldn’t ask other people to drive me around.

TucSandwich · 25/08/2023 09:02

Absolutely nothing wrong with your text. It's a text! Not an epistle.

Onelifeonly · 25/08/2023 09:03

I don't think you were rude at all given the fact you were exchanging information about a pre-arranged event. That's how all my friends and family text in those kind of circumstances - factual and to the point. I'd use 'ok' too to acknowledge their message.

Seems like your mother is feeling put upon by you or unacknowledged in some way and has read this into your messages, rather than the messages themselves.

As a mother myself to grown up kids, there can be a sense of children only contacting you when they need something from you and I do notice it! Mine are only late teens / early 20s - one says "I love you" to soften their demands and the other unnecessarily asks how I am (we live together!)

Takentomybed · 25/08/2023 09:03

I don't think you were rude at all. Me and my daughter message eachother like that. I wouldn't take offense.

Perhaps she was feeling stressed that morning and it came out in her picking on the perceived tone of your message

Alwayswonderedwhy · 25/08/2023 09:03

I don't think it's rude at all.

Smittenkitchen · 25/08/2023 09:03

I live in a non English speaking country and thought absolutely nothing of your message. Just straight to the point and factual! I suppose it may come across as blunt in a British context.

BitOutOfPractice · 25/08/2023 09:06

I think it’s fine op. I wouldn’t bat an eye at that message within my immediate family.

in fact, I’d be a bit rollg eyed myself at why she’s put something in the oven knowing she’s on standby for a lift. But there you go, we’re all different.

Scalottia · 25/08/2023 09:07

That text was blunt. It comes across as rude.