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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was this text ok to my mum?

298 replies

user86654110 · 25/08/2023 08:16

My mother said I treat her like a slave and asked her not to treat her like a maid all the time after this text to her.

I asked her to clarify and she said my text message to her was rude and I didn't say please.

For context I'm mid-30s with 2 young kids (she was picking me and the kids up which was pre-agreed).

I thought I was being quite calm having to wait 40mins with the children but maybe IABU after all and am a rude and terrible daughter.

Need honesty here please! I'm an only child so can't ask any siblings for reference.

Was this text ok to my mum?
OP posts:
Ladyoftheknight · 25/08/2023 09:38

diddl · 25/08/2023 09:25

Seems blunt but when you got to her what did you say?

"Oh this is great, lovely, thanks!"

Or did you just get in the car.

The bit about not waiting outside seems badly worded to me tbh & a bloody crying emoji?

I'd have expected you to get your arse out to me tbh.

It's not a crying emoji, it's a hot and sweaty emoji.

diddl · 25/08/2023 09:39

I think you are pissed off that your mum wasn't ready to leap straight into the car & she has realised this.

Why didn't you get a taxi instead?

Highdaysandholidays1 · 25/08/2023 09:39

My fave text is 'on way'!

Perhaps because you don't have that easy interaction style it can come over a bit blunt, and definitely thank the person profusely afterwards.

My daughter's fave text is 'where are you?!!!!'

tiredmama23 · 25/08/2023 09:40

It's your mum, she doesn't need a please and thank you after each and every sentence.

Wow. So when I teach my 2 year old manners and her pleases and thank yours, shall I make sure to tell her: you don't need to use those same manners with mummy, sweetheart, just with everyone else....

Incidentally, I have a 17 year old who I also taught the same manners and respect from a young age - towards me as her mum as much as anyone else - and interestingly, as a young adult now she'd be far more inclined to send me a text with a please and thank you for things I'm doing for her. 🤔

diddl · 25/08/2023 09:42

It's not a crying emoji, it's a hot and sweaty emoji.

Oops! thanks!😊

Even so I think it might have been better if Op had said she'd rather not wait outside & did her mum mind messaging when she got there & they'd be straight out?

tiredmama23 · 25/08/2023 09:43

Oulu · 25/08/2023 09:36

I thought I was being quite calm having to wait 40mins with the children but maybe IABU after all and am a rude and terrible daughter.

This is the revealing part of your post. You didn't have to wait, did you? You could have got a taxi. Yet you seem to feel that your mother should have been ready to set off the moment you called, and that you would have been justified in not being calm about it and making a fuss although she was doing you quite a major favour. The stuff about being hot and humid sounds very like a passive-aggressive dig along the same lines.

This is extremely revealing, you're correct. This is the sort of attitude I'd have towards my partner who is the father of my child - potentially I'd be annoyed having to wait for him to collect us if I had our toddler with me. Because he's partly responsible for the care of that child. A parent or other family member though? Absolutely not. They are not responsible for my child and don't owe me anything, so I'd just be extremely grateful they were taking time out of their day at all to help me.

LookItsMeAgain · 25/08/2023 09:44

Actually - I'm just reading the texts as though I'm being asked to comment on just them without any other context and I would wonder why someone would be baking bread which takes a decent amount of time, when they knew they had arranged to bring their daughter & grandchild somewhere early in the morning? I mean that would be something I would do only when I have the time to both make and bake the bread without interruption.

I don't think there was anything so terribly wrong with your text messages and perhaps pointing her to some online resources about how to send a text message and what is/isn't acceptable in a text would help? I was told I was being way too formal in my emails a few years ago so I changed how I put emails together. Could your mum not realise that texts are very casual?

fedupnow2 · 25/08/2023 09:44

tiredmama23 · 25/08/2023 09:40

It's your mum, she doesn't need a please and thank you after each and every sentence.

Wow. So when I teach my 2 year old manners and her pleases and thank yours, shall I make sure to tell her: you don't need to use those same manners with mummy, sweetheart, just with everyone else....

Incidentally, I have a 17 year old who I also taught the same manners and respect from a young age - towards me as her mum as much as anyone else - and interestingly, as a young adult now she'd be far more inclined to send me a text with a please and thank you for things I'm doing for her. 🤔

You've confused manners and respect. My dc are very respectful but they don't need to thank me for every little thing I do and I don't as well. Besides at some point it just become pointless and something you mindlessly say. Anyway ops mum is ridiculous making them wait in the heat and expects a thank you for that.

Northernsoul72 · 25/08/2023 09:45

Texts are meant to be short and to the point, I feel. Yes a please/thanks is always nice but I tend to think your sweating emoji softens it a bit. Seems a bit of an over reaction by your mum ( in my opinion), unless there is a bit of a history and this was the final straw

Bitsadtoday1 · 25/08/2023 09:45

diddl · 25/08/2023 09:42

It's not a crying emoji, it's a hot and sweaty emoji.

Oops! thanks!😊

Even so I think it might have been better if Op had said she'd rather not wait outside & did her mum mind messaging when she got there & they'd be straight out?

Assuming the mum is at least in her 50s, like me, she may have looked at the emoji and seen angry, hot, crying. I think that’s why some posters think it was passive aggressive. Mum may have even thought so.

stayclosetoyourself · 25/08/2023 09:46

It's a bit abrupt and it's always nice to say please. She's not a service!
I think she could be feeling taken for granted or did she go out of her way to help you as you have no car??
I have this with my own dd - I feel she orders me about and I'm just running around buying things/ stepping in and there are little niceties about it or please and Thankyou. Very irritating!
However only you know if you are usually bossy or a bit rude - might be worth reflecting on to check though as there's really no compunction on your mum's part to be at your beck and call and we have lives too you know and have also often brought up children single handedly!!
Apologies for element of projection 😀

tiredmama23 · 25/08/2023 09:48

@fedupnow2

No, I haven't confused anything.

Manners and respect are inextricably linked, because one is a part of showing the other. To me, teaching my child to say please and thank you when another person is doing them a favour, no matter how small, and no matter who the person is, is part of the overall picture of building a basic level of respect for others, imo. That's what I taught my older teen and she's a lovely, polite, respectful young lady now. 🤷‍♀️

Bitsadtoday1 · 25/08/2023 09:50

@fedupnow2
I’m not sure mum made them wait in the heat?
OP needed picking up but there was no set time. The journey alone is 20 mins, so OP would have had to wait at least 20 mins if mum would have set off straight away.

Mum was waiting for her bread/ cleaner to arrive so it took her 20 mins to set off. So a 40 min wait- if the OP knew it was at least 20 mins from first text to pick up, I’m assuming she would do as she did, find somewhere cool to wait. I think she was angry at the extra 20 min delay?

tiredmama23 · 25/08/2023 09:51

And no one is saying your kids should "thank you for every little thing", but for goodness sake OP is in her 30s (same as me), and I would never in a million years send a text so blunt to either of my parents. Or anyone doing me a favour, really, related or not. The only exception might be my partner, but I've already acknowledged that and the reasons why.

stayclosetoyourself · 25/08/2023 09:52

Also it's quite annoying to not have an exact time agreed as you don't know how much you can start at home.
Also it's a bit dramatic saying ' am I a rude and terrible daughter' - well hopefully not but perhaps smooth things over and make sure you are being considerate and not just thinking of your own needs.

daisychain01 · 25/08/2023 09:52

It's text speak. Your DM is probably not used to that brevity of information, that if it was a contemporary of yours, a friend, a sibling, they'd get that text is a way of conveying info quickly and without the frills.

That said.... had you put thx or Love you, it would have changed the whole tone and less like barking orders to your mum. It's about tailoring the message to the audience...

Threenow · 25/08/2023 09:53

It does sound a bit like you were ordering her around and that you expected her to drop everything to pick you up. I can see why she was a bit miffed, after all she was doing you a favour.

jlpth · 25/08/2023 09:55

Hmmm it was pre arranged and she had agreed to it - op’s first text said please and should have been fully expected. Her mum’s response was a bit scatty imo - why was she making bread that she had to stay for when she’d previously agreed to a pickup? Strange decision. And it resulted in the OP standing on the street with little kids. Op I don’t think you were wrong. I think she created stress for herself by doing an activity that couldn’t immediately be put down in the pickup window.

Hollyisalrightactuallysorry · 25/08/2023 09:55

@fedupnow2 they weren't in the heat? They were indoors

And mum didn't have a set time just 'morning' so she was supposed to sit and not do anything in that time?

jlpth · 25/08/2023 09:56

Hollyisalrightactuallysorry · 25/08/2023 09:55

@fedupnow2 they weren't in the heat? They were indoors

And mum didn't have a set time just 'morning' so she was supposed to sit and not do anything in that time?

She can do stuff, sure, but it was a silly decision to do something that couldn’t be put down quickly.

fedupnow2 · 25/08/2023 09:57

But op did say please in the beginning. And the second part read to me like an update to the situation. Same as if you were meeting someone and sent them a text saying 'when you get here do xxx'. What a drama queen the mother sounds like over nothing.

tiredmama23 · 25/08/2023 09:58

fedupnow2 · 25/08/2023 09:57

But op did say please in the beginning. And the second part read to me like an update to the situation. Same as if you were meeting someone and sent them a text saying 'when you get here do xxx'. What a drama queen the mother sounds like over nothing.

I'd literally never send a text saying "when you get here do x". Some people just don't communicate in that way. It's abrupt and demanding.

Threenow · 25/08/2023 09:58

jlpth · 25/08/2023 09:55

Hmmm it was pre arranged and she had agreed to it - op’s first text said please and should have been fully expected. Her mum’s response was a bit scatty imo - why was she making bread that she had to stay for when she’d previously agreed to a pickup? Strange decision. And it resulted in the OP standing on the street with little kids. Op I don’t think you were wrong. I think she created stress for herself by doing an activity that couldn’t immediately be put down in the pickup window.

So her mum was supposed to waste a whole morning just sitting around waiting for a summons to pick them up? OP is a grown woman with children, she should not be expecting her mum to adapt her daily life just because she needs a ride.

If someone was giving me a lift home I would expect to fit in with their schedule, not them fit in with mine.

jlpth · 25/08/2023 09:59

Basically her mum agreed to do something and then fannied about when it was time to do it. If she couldn’t commit to it, she should not have agreed. She messed the op around waiting for 40 mins.

wowthatsharsh · 25/08/2023 09:59

There is a please and thank you in the messages!