AIBU to off DD financial reward for GCSE grades?

[BlackBean2023]

DD is going into y11 and last year I made a deal with her- every 9 gets £200, every 8 £100 and every 7 £50 (she's at a selective school- straight 7-9s not unusual). I've doubled the amount as a motivator for Spanish and chemistry where she's not trying and currently predicted a 5.

She told my SIL yesterday who said it's out of order but would tell me why she thought so. AIBU? I can afford it and DD is motivated by money. The grades are reasonable and obtainable for her.

SIL doesn't have teenagers so it's not a cousin comparison thing..

I did this for DS and have just done it for Dd. Exact same amounts, but is very frowned upon on here.

It's your choice.
My DC has just completed exams and was rewarded after finishing the exams after working hard.
Yesterday didn't get everything she deserved and I'd have been heartbroken at an effective double punishment by reducing the financial reward.

It’s your choice but I wouldn’t do it for my kids. I don’t like the message it sends to them.

Blimey that’s gone up since my day when I got a tenner for every A! I guess why not if you can afford it and it works 🤷‍♀️

Brilliant idea.

How fair to invest money where it really makes the best return for your daughter..

It’s none of SIL’s business.
I hate when extended family think they’re Co parenting with you, you don’t need to wait for SIL to tell you why she thinks so. She can just not do that with her kids if it’s an issue for her.

I wouldn’t

I prefer a reward for working hard, which is under their control, rather than results which aren't.

Also in the case where there are less academic siblings how do you set the rewards to make it fair?

But it is up to you.

We will celebrate the end of exams with a nice family holiday but it's the revision motivation I need to tap into!

But why? Not being confrontational I just can't imagine the counter argument

We didn’t. Our children know we expect them to try their best and that it’s in their interest to do as well as they can. That was/is enough to motivate them and I think it’s best aiming for that rather than doing it for a financial reward.

We did give our son money after GCSEs, but the amount would have been the same regardless of results. We actually transferred in into his bank when he went to collect his GCSE results, before we knew them. We’ll do the same for our daughter in a couple of years.

My son has just done his A levels, we haven’t given him money this time as we’re paying for uni accommodation, laptop etc.

Great idea and I did the same. We work hard in our jobs - but I wouldn't work as hard if I didn't get paid for it at the end of the month. I understand the value of studying for the sake of enjoying learning and the internal intrinsic reward it should provide, however the bribe of a new North Face cost works wonders as well.

I don't personally like the idea. My DD just got her results yesterday and she's comfortably achieved (in old money) 9 x A-Cs, which she is over the moon with and it's enough to secure her place to study for the A Levels she needs for uni . Im not placing any more emphasis on the As than the Cs - it literally doesn't matter to anyone. She's worked as hard for the Cs as the As and I wouldn't want to give her the message that those grades are somehow lesser than.

Incidentally, I achieved straight A* and As at GCSE. Now in my late 30s I've done 3 uni degrees including a PhD, and no one to my knowledge (apart from when I applied for A Levels) had ever asked me what specific grades I got at GCSE. Ever. I'd also add that I came from a home where academic achievement was emphasised to a large extent, and whilst it is the likely part of the reason I achieved so well at school, it's also my downfall: it's created perfectionistic and obsessive striving qualities in me, because I internalised the pressure and expectations placed upon me from a young age. I'm not saying this what you will be doing, OP. Just giving my perspective and experience.

I would set the reward at a reasonable level. If DD2 is predicted 5's and 6's then it would be £50 for a 5, £100 for a 6 etc.

DD1 is predicted at least a 7 in every subject so with good revision and focus there's no reason she couldn't do it. She's a lazy so and so though!

I can understand your viewpoint but it's still doesn't change that if she doesn't do as well as she expects, she will be very upset and then you'll be saying 'you didn't revise as well as you should have so you get less'.
How about financial reward for the hours of revising? Create a timetable with her, give £1/£2etc an hour and she has ro get it signed for by you, track it and give it after the exams have finished.
A family holiday isn't rewarding her for her hard work, that would be done anyway.

Bloody hell, that's some inflation. Back n my day it was a tenner per A.

Although I benefited from something similar (see above), I wouldn't do it, personally. All sorts of factors flow into that final grade, even with a hardworking and high-achieving child. It also feels uncomfortably materialistic and about the child 'producing the goods'.

Your DD is motivated by money because when she was a toddler you didn’t teach her intrinsic motivation.

That was a mistake, because you have taught her she shouldn’t do X, Y or Z unless there is something in it for her. This is going to make life a lot more difficult for her as she gets older and has to live her own life.

She will struggle to do anything she doesn’t want to, and of course part of life is sometimes doing things we don’t want. It has set her up to fail really, and without you there she is going to find day to day living really hard because you haven’t taught her intrinsic motivation.

Doing exactly the same for my daughter, who is also lazy. With some revision, she could get straight 9s and this is what she is predicted.
However, she can get 7s without much revision and seems to settle for this.

I would and did, but didn’t offer anywhere near those amounts. It was still a good incentive for them.

I would set the reward at a reasonable level. If DD2 is predicted 5's and 6's then it would be £50 for a 5, £100 for a 6 etc.

What happens then if she does better and gets a higher grade than predicted, do you increase if she gets a 7 or 8?

You can obviously do what you want , exact grades are not always in their control, my DS was 1 point away from a 7 in one subject and course the grade boundaries are tough this year. So that may lead to difficult conversations this time next year if she is already disappointed by a grade.
She will get motivation from school by the sounds of it and will be well prepped my DS is at similar school . I wouldn't want too much more pressure on them from home, maybe planning the balance between revising and other things . I give mine the message that each stage is just to enable them to move on to the next stage and working hard gives them all the options

I have invested into weekly private tutoring both at GCSE and A Levels for subjects my DD was weaker at but never thought to reward her. She was passionate about a specific path but knew she needed help.

When she had graduated from uni, we did get her an expensive watch. She is doing a PhD now in science, but none of this would have been such smooth education path if we didn’t get her help with GCSEs.

My point is you may be better off spending money upfront and get better understanding of her progress from a qualified third party.

I wouldn't want too much more pressure on them from home, maybe planning the balance between revising and other things . I give mine the message that each stage is just to enable them to move on to the next stage and working hard gives them all the options

I had the same approach with DD.

I'm not sure that I like a stepped incentive.
Getting a 4/ 5 in some subjects might be a bigger achievement than a 7/8 in others.
Grade doesn't always reflect the amount of work.
But you know your child best.

I don't think your DSIL should have said anything. It's for you to parent as you think fit. But I do agree with her.

I wouldn't and didn't offer financial incentives for good grades. I always wanted to encourage intrinsic motivation rather than extrinsic, and for dd to take pride in doing her best for its own sake. Honestly, I would consider that I had failed in passing on some important values if the only way to get her to work was to offer a financial incentive.

DD got her straight 9s and the reward was her satisfaction in knowing that she had achieved what she was capable of.