AIBU to off DD financial reward for GCSE grades?

[BlackBean2023]

DD is going into y11 and last year I made a deal with her- every 9 gets £200, every 8 £100 and every 7 £50 (she's at a selective school- straight 7-9s not unusual). I've doubled the amount as a motivator for Spanish and chemistry where she's not trying and currently predicted a 5.

She told my SIL yesterday who said it's out of order but would tell me why she thought so. AIBU? I can afford it and DD is motivated by money. The grades are reasonable and obtainable for her.

SIL doesn't have teenagers so it's not a cousin comparison thing..

This is simply not true.

There is so much more in the world of work than results and financial reward.

Think about a person who worked in end of life cancer care. Everyone died. There were no 'results'. They made people's lives better by doing their specialist and highly skilled work to the best of their abilities.

My dad did this for my GCSEs 15 years ago. It worked. I could either spend the money then or put it away for driving lessons or buying first car. It worked for me. All A*s, As, Bs.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with this, you work hard, you earn the money. I have a very good work ethic and started ny career straight after leaving uni.

I was predicted good grades though. If your child is predicted lower then it’s not fair to only compensate for the highest grades.

I would. The message it gives is that hard work pays, which it does in adult life. I wouldn’t do hundreds of pounds though - maybe 80 for a 9, then down by £10 increments until nothing for a 5 or whatever you think he is capable of.

Your family your choice but I wouldn't do this for lots of reasons.

1. The best motivation comes from wanting something for yourself. She should want to do well for her own ambition not just for money.

1. I have 2 children who are both great but one is significantly more academic. It won't matter how much one tries or the other doesn't the one won't be able to achieve the results they other can. I don't believe in rewarding good luck. It's a bit like the attendance awards at school when one child has a chronic illness and won't get it but a peer has good health so does. It's out of the childs control.

1. It sets the idea that grades matter above all else (physic health, mental health, sports, crafts, friends). It's one stage of life but doesn't mean that pass or failure sets the future path. Failure to achieve your expectations could set them down a self destructive path. The view that not getting 9 somehow makes there less grades peers somehow less than them.

1. Society needs all. We can not function without the people working a spectrum of jobs. The supermarket worker, the bin collectors are just as valuable as the teachers and the nurses. Artists and preformers add colour and enjoyment to life. Everyone has value and worth and participates to our world. GCSEs are insignificant in the greater world so I don't believe in putting so much emphasis on that one small aspect out of a whole lifetime.

But it is your choice and people make different choices all the time from the money left by tooth fairy, Christmas piles, holiday destination, meals served families.
We all do what we think best

I’m another one who believes in intrinsic motivation. Always parented this way and encouraged dc to take pleasure in their achievements for the joy it gave them.
It would for rude for me to comment to you on what you chose but I would internally judge.

The problem with this is if you think 5 is what they're capable of, it is great if they get a 6. But the scale tells them you'd be even happier if they got a 7 and even more if they got an 8, even though it is unachievable.

You're simply telling them you value them less than you would if they had a different brain and base level.

It's such a negative message to give your child - I wish you were cleverer, I wish you were someone else.

Thank you!

Similar story here. I got a certain amoun for every A*, and less for every A for my GCSEs. My mum meant well but this and other aspects of my childhood emphasising that I was capable of the highest academic marks didn't pay off well later for me at university and beyond. It fueled perfectionism, procrastination and imposter syndrome. I'd have a read up on the difference between extrinsic and intrinsic motivation for kids and focusing on effort not outcome. That's what I'll be doing for my kids. All I will ask is that they do their best and I won't care what grades they get as ultimately it doesn't matter enough to set up issues later in life.

For some the counter argument seems to be that they will be disappointed if they don't get the grades they wanted even if they worked hard, for others it's more that it encourages an entitled attitude and the mindset that people should pay you to do something that benefits you, not anyone else. It doesn't sit right with me, for the second reason really, but it depends on the kid. If they are already prone to being entitled I don't think it will be very good for their development.

100% do it. Many teachers and mentors suggest this. It’s the carrot some kids need. Definitely helped me to motivate my son. In the end he actually felt bad and said not to worry about it but I gave him what he was due (less £50 for breaking my outside tap by climbing on it to get his ball back 🙄). I offered £100 for 7 and above. £50 for a 6. Also at a Grammar but was struggling with focus. It a good investment.

Blimey! Would have cost me £1600 yesterday, mind you not sure how we would have rewarded the 6 he got as sounds an abject failure in your system.

We're on hols so went to a restaurant of his choice as a celebration. He's absolutely over the moon, completely self motivated and has worked and studied hard for his own personal self worth. I would be seriously worried about the young adult he was becoming if we'd had to offer a financial incentive for him to study to the best of his abilities.

As an side despite my opinion above it also it is not any of your SILs business. Even though I agree with her.

Ultimately, I think it boils down to the values that you want to impart to your kids, and what you want to teach them about what is important in life.

This is a very personal thing and one person's values are not necessarily "better" than another person's. They're just different.

My parents did the same, I got all A and A star (grades were different back then!) But in the end they gave me the amount for all A star saying it was because they could see I put the effort in to them all and done my best, which was more important than the grade. Offered me less money per grade than that though 😂

It’s def awkward though if siblings are more/less academic (I was an OC so no issue). Some might find it quite easy to get a top grade.

when mine are this age I think I’d be more inclined to reward for effort- and perhaps offer to buy something they really wanted or take them on a holiday if I knew they’d done their best. But can see how more focussed targets can help for some kids too.

I used to think it was weird that my friend paid her teenage girls to do chores thinking they shouldn’t need paying. Her opinion was "I’m paying for clothes, toiletries etc.. anyway" so at least this way chores were guaranteed to get done. She has a really tight system that works and teaches them work=reward. Just like in adult life.

Wait until you find out about jobs!

Everyone saying it shows hard work pays - hard work does pay in the form of good results and broader opportunities! Surely that’s just as motivating?

Twenty years ago when my eldest sat exams we only knew one person who got the offer of money. Reading this thread it seems much more widespread now. How were students motivated years ago and how does this stack up for poorer families?

What’s the motivation in life if there isn’t a pay day attached? I won’t bother to help out at home/in society because I’m not being paid? Some things are just the right thing to do and I find this all a bit sad.

We have said to both DC since primary school that it is about effort not result. Someone can work as hard as they can and still get a 5 (for example). That is as good as a 9 for someone else. This is especially true this year with the tough grade boundaries. How would you account for something like that

DC1 did well in his GCSEs but we had always told him that the reward was for all his hard work. We had told him after his exams he would get get a monetary reward but he wanted it yesterday to match up with his mates getting money. He also has a few things planned and didn’t want to spend it beforehand ha ha

Paying children for doing something that they can do intrinsically is crap parenting IMO. Little Johnny or Jenny, aged 15, shouldn’t be being taught ‘I’m only going to revise if my mother gives me money’ is all kinds of wrong. ‘I’m going to revise because I want to do as well as I can for a sense of achievement’ is what I’d hoped to foster in my children.

Well DS came out of school yesterday with nine 9s and I made him a Victoria sponge for tea as his ‘well done’ present. He wasn’t expecting anything so he was delighted. He also had the attitude that his grades are their own reward as they set him up well for university applications.

so I think offering children ££ is questionable

I wouldn't as I don't think it sends the right message. Their results are theirs, which they need for what they want to do and are ultimately their responsibility. If they don't take responsibility at GCSE stage without being paid for it will they have the right attitude going into university?

I think personally I would feel prouder of my results without the financial reward, as it feels a bit like doing it because you have been paid to takes the edge off a bit, although that probably does depend on how you are motivated. And if my DS had been reluctant to put the effort in I might have ended up feeling differently I suppose.

Either way it's not really anyone else's business to comment on it.

I had a friend who had this agreement with her parents back when I was in school. My mum bought us all something special after exams but before results as it was a gift for hard work not just the result, it was about what your best was.
Personally that’s a strategy will be continuing with my kids rather than rewarding for an A/ punishing for a C.

What a stupid comment.
People take up employment in order to live. Some actually take up employment in order to fulfil a dream!
A 15 year old whose motivation for doing well in an exam is the bribe they’re getting off their parents is nothing like paid employment.

Not Unreasonable as it's your choice, however I could never treat my children differently.

You may have 1 academically bright child who gets the high grades with a breeze and another child who puts everything in, does all the revision, works their socks off and still get the lower grades.

For me, in that case, I could not say well done to 1 child, here is £200 and then give lesser to the other one who has worked their socks off equally as hard.

I think linking reward with effort is not a bad thing. I think when kids get to a-levels the importance of being able to achieve the grades they require for their long term plans becomes clearer to them whether it’s uni, an apprenticeship etc. Younger than that and they don’t always fully understand why it’s important.

The reality is some people are motivated by money. Tbh though it’s difficult really, if my DD was trying her very best I wouldn’t want to make her feel terrible for not very good grades if thats the best she could achieve.

On the fence about it.