AIBU to off DD financial reward for GCSE grades?

[BlackBean2023]

DD is going into y11 and last year I made a deal with her- every 9 gets £200, every 8 £100 and every 7 £50 (she's at a selective school- straight 7-9s not unusual). I've doubled the amount as a motivator for Spanish and chemistry where she's not trying and currently predicted a 5.

She told my SIL yesterday who said it's out of order but would tell me why she thought so. AIBU? I can afford it and DD is motivated by money. The grades are reasonable and obtainable for her.

SIL doesn't have teenagers so it's not a cousin comparison thing..

It's your child so your choice, and your SIL shouldn't have said anything.

However, there is a lot of research out there that extrinsic rewards don't work and erode motivation, fulfilment and enjoyment over time.

As a teacher, we are certainly taught that extrinsic rewards do not work and are best avoided.

I have avoided them as a parent too. When dd was a toddler, I was at a friend's house when she asked her teen dd to empty the dishwasher. Her response was 'how much?' I knew that I didn't want a child who only did things because they were offered money.

I wouldn't do this - I taught GCSE for years and in my experience it is not always the hardest working students who achieve their target grades or above - there is an element of luck (what questions come up); an element of pressure having an impact on the day; and in my subject and others a strong element of subjectivity in the marking.....

I would potentially provide a financial reward for hours spent revising, or revision classes attended, if I had a child who didn't work hard.

But providing she had worked as hard as reasonably possible, the rewards would come for that. The grades are a reward in themselves, in a sense - but I have seen so many hard working students upset by their grades in the past, because grades aren't always fair! I would hate to add to that for my own child ....

I do see why it seems to make sense to you OP. I would just adapt your system slightly if you can think of a way of doing it.

I didn't offer it when he was doing his GCSE's as it may have placed pressure on him.

He got his results yesterday and did well so I've sent him £200 and bought him some clothes

Excellent idea and I’d have worked my arse off for that. Carrot and stick and all that.

Give them something to aim for rather than some soggy ‘do your best’ and pat on the back for a bunch of 3s.

Firstly, I do feel that it really is each to their own on this, however these are the main reasons why I wouldn't use a system like you describe:

1. Not every child is capable of (all) top marks, no matter how much they study!
2. The child who got a lower grade might have worked twice as hard to get that grade than the child who got a top grade.
3. The child who is expected/predicted a certain grade, and then doesn't meet it, will have both the disappointment of not getting their grade and also not getting the reward they were looking forward to.

There may well be other reasons, but these are the ones which jump out at me just now.

We are in Scotland, DS did well and I know he also worked hard, so as well as letting him know how proud we were he was also rewarded in gift form - however the performance in the exams wasn't tied to that and it was really a spur of the moment thing to 'reward' him in that way.

Oh there's definitely some of arrogance and competitiveness there too - particularly in the subjects she's predicted 8's/9'a.

Some interesting viewpoints that have made me think about how we might adjust the arrangement slightly. Thanks

You are aware that some people might 'work their arse off' yet still also get lower grades, or that others might not work that hard and be naturally able to get high grades?

The reason I haven't (even though DD is quite money motivated), is because she has been suffering with quite debilitating anxiety since Y9 and me saying this would be interpreted by her as me wanting her to get all 9s which would have seemed like an additional pressure, when she was stressed enough about it. I wouldn't have wanted her to feel lower grades were worth less or failures if she'd done her best.

I know she tried her best and I've tried to find other ways to be kind and encouraging along the way. A surprise bar of chocolate here, some face masks there, a new top if she'd been working really hard that week. That type of thing. Her MH is improving - I'm mostly concerned with keeping that trajectory and hope this is the thing that will help her grades the most.

Isn't a good grade and pride in achievement enough of a reward? Genuine question.

Slightly off topic but children with readers should have their own room!

Wow @Gliomes - I had no idea you could be sat next to someone reading to someone else out loud - that seems massively unfair as it would totally put me off personally- I need silence to work properly.

Personally l wouldn't as l feel they should choose to work for the future it brings them. It is a parents job to make them understand and take responsibility for their own future.
Also one childs straight 9's, can be much easier to achieve than another childs very hard won 5's.
If l did this my academic DD would be getting lots of money, whilst two years behind her my less academic DS would feel a failure despite working just as hard.
Self worth rarely comes from purely financial reward, but achieving one's potential.

But...but... don't you want to teach her that doing her best is the most important thing?!

In our family we don't celebrate mediocrity.

Now in my late 30s I've done 3 uni degrees including a PhD, and no one to my knowledge (apart from when I applied for A Levels) had ever asked me what specific grades I got at GCSE.

I had to show my certs to a course to prove I had English and Maths GCSE age 47 - despite having two degrees I wouldn't have been able to do without having English and Maths GCSE.... (also had to show my degree certificates.) I did point this out, but apparently rules is rules. Wasn't a problem for me, but not everyone my age still has their exam certs, and I don't think my exam boards exist any more. School doesn't.

Have recently been helping 52yo partner to fill in applications for jobs in schools, and they mostly wanted all qualifications and grades from GCSE on (or O-level in his case.) One of them also wanted him to explain every employment gap, even the month between a temporary summer job and going back to uni in 1990. Many people wouldn't know - though they didn't check that far back, so he could have made it up. What were they planning to do? "We'd like some background about this lad who worked in Woolworths back in 1989..."

Not that this is relevant to the OP. I think it's better to reward effort - for some getting a D rather than an F is a greater achievement than some who get As. But it's harder to judge. I spent a lot of time in my room revising. That didn't make it all productive time. But if money is a motivator for her... I don't know.

😮

😮

Then I'm sure that you have saved up for an absolute top rank therapist for your dc when they're older!

And what happens if she ends up like my dgd.
In hospital for 2 months comes out 7 days before first exa.
Will that be a failure in your eyes. No money for her.

The poster above saying that you’ve haven’t taught her the important lesson of intrinsic motivation is bang on. It may seem a little bit dramatic, but it’s true that this lack of ability to motivate herself will affect the rest of her life.

it can also be really tricky and unhealthy to mix up financial worth with human achievement in this way. You’re not an employer, you’re a parent, so the relationship and connections you’re setting up here are very different.

Great that you’re motivating her, and great that she’s expected to do so well. But I think you’ve both got a slightly bigger issue under the surface if cold hard cash (and so much of it!!) is the only thing that motivates her.

Do you have teenagers?

All the evidence is that encouraging grit and determination, learning how to deal with disappointment and to dust yourself down and carry on is good for future mental health. Do you want the first time your DC realise that " trying their best" isn't good enough in and of it's self to be when they are adults? ❄

I think there is evidence that praising and rewarding hard work is better than praising and rewarding good outcomes. I am planning to set up rewards for hard work and persistence in the face of challenge as these are the things that will help DC achieve their potential.

It definitely works on kids who are bright but lazy (like I was and like it sounds OP's daughter is). Academics came very easily to me and I could coast and breeze my way to top grades with the least amount of effort. Financial motivation would have definitely made me work harder to achieve all 9s instead of just studying the night before exams and squeezing a 7 (or the equivalent). Some kids can't achieve top grades regardless how much effort they put in, but it doesn't sound like OP's daughter is one of them.

I’d do it within reason. Ie. I’d have to be able to afford the amounts I was offering 🤣

This was going on twenty years ago so don’t think it’s a new thing.