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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it actually me not them? Kids and screens

237 replies

Goforththenorth · 24/08/2023 17:44

Just got back from a lovely holiday at a family friendly hotel abroad. Exclusively British/Irish clientele.

I couldn’t believe the amount of device time I saw that didn’t include the airport/plane - tablets, phones and hand held consoles. All the time - poolside, at meal times, everywhere I turned there were kids plugged into devices, a lot of the time with headphones.

My DC are neurodivergent (one certainly, suspect the other is too) and when occupied on screens, they’re quiet and don’t bother us, so I can see the appeal (I watched a film in relative peace on the return flight because they were playing games on screens the whole time).

But…I couldn’t believe it. I purposely don’t take screens to meals out in the UK because, maybe especially because my DC are the way they are, I think it helps to teach them that sometimes they have to wait, a bit of patience. I always take colouring, stickers or books and magazines. My eldest with ADHD and DCD really struggles with sitting with zero to occupy him, I’d say it’s nigh on impossible. So it really does take a lot of energy to occupy him while he’s waiting for food to arrive in a restaurant without a screen. We only go to family friendly places. Can’t say if this helps as he’s not great at controlling the ants in his pants if we’re not there to help him control them. But knowing him, having a tablet at a meal once would be a slippery slope to having one every single time.

On holiday, it was an all inclusive buffet so there was none of that waiting for food - DC were in heaven able to get up and help themselves without waiting. Still everywhere I saw kids plugged into their screens whilst eating. Same at the pool, my DC love the water so are happy for a good while, but if they had the option of a tablet or console poolside there would’ve been a lot less pool time.

But seeing as we were in the minority, I’m wondering if it’s in fact me that is old fashioned, too strict with screens, and need to relax a bit? My DM was VERY strict. My DC get what I feel is a lot of screens at home, but I have to control it. I’m wondering if that’s a problem in itself, if I was more relaxed would they want it less in the end. They are definitely not super well behaved, so it’s not like I think I’m winning at parenting!

YANBU - it’s unusual for DC to be on screens so much on holiday

YABU - it’s you, you tech dinosaur, get with the times and relax about screens

OP posts:
NY152 · 27/08/2023 13:24

Really tough and hard not to judge sometimes! I think I’m on the stingier end of the scale, no tablets but a fair amount of tv definitely not meal times.For mine it would be the constant asking about using it if we had tablets etc(toddlers and ks1 age). But then I think would i be much more relaxed if I could eat a meal/ think for 5 mins without 3 kids trying to talk to me at once 😂no idea what the answer is!

Whattheduck · 27/08/2023 13:28

BalancingTree · 27/08/2023 11:37

Not unreasonable it’s horrifying to see. Especially the meals out. It’s totally unnecessary and I do not get the justification. Saying kids need it to regulate is frightening- kids get bored, overwhelmed, throw tantrums- it’s part of being a kid, it’s a parents job to help them navigate that and yes it’s bloody hard and takes years, a whole childhood!

society needs to more tolerant of little kids wandering around restaurants etc and being noisy, therefore parents will feel less embarrassed and under pressure to silence children’s exploring and learning and expose them to situations where they learn those skills. Little kids can’t be expected to behave like adults, but sticking an iPad in front of them to achieve silence robs them of the opportunity to work on those their skills.

not being judgemental- but call a spade a spade.

holidays and meals out with little kids are a nightmare, but you put the hard yards in and when they are a little bit older it becomes a joy.

Agree

Beck2023 · 27/08/2023 13:41

I just don’t think you should judge other people. It’s none of your business.

My autistic teen has a lot of screen time when out but that is as a reward for other things he has to put up with. He spent the afternoon at the beach (which he hates) with his younger cousins and sister because we all had to go (no screen time because of the sand). Later when we went out in a restaurant or we were sat having a drink in a cafe he was allowed his switch/iPad.
We don’t generally apply for passes at the airport and theme parks so he waits in line then often without a screen because we won’t take iPads/switch to a theme park.

JenWillsiam · 27/08/2023 13:42

Goforththenorth · 24/08/2023 18:08

DC 7 and 5. I generally fear when they’re too old for me to micro manage their screens as when DC1 had a Yes Day, they switched constantly between the tablet and TV. But have no idea how to get the balance as they would gladly be on them all day. 5 year old regularly gets half hour on the tablet and has a meltdown when it’s time to switch it off.

I think the thing I hate about your post the most is the virtue signalling. My kids are ND and we cope so everyone should. My daughter is autistic and diagnosed ARFID. Social interaction at meals are her worst nightmare. Does she sit there throughout the entire meal with a device? No. But when she’s done she is allowed to get it out with headphones. What those families do causes you no harm. Yet here you are judging.

Sage71 · 27/08/2023 13:43

I also limit screen time, 2 hours max per day during term time as long as homework jobs and dinner finished and 3.5 hours during holidays. I certainly would not have them at the pool or dinner on a family holiday. Boys are 13 & 11 and I expect them to converse with us during mealtime. When they were younger and we ate out each had a backpack with colouring, reading etc. The rest of the time they play sport, read, do a few chores for pocket money etc.

Changeling78 · 27/08/2023 13:43

I put YABU because you come across as quite judgey. You do you, what other families allow is up to them. “My ND kids can do it so why cant NT children” ( paraphrasing)…..none of your business really is it. Really bizarre that it affects you enough that you would have to make a post about it.

Sodullincomparison · 27/08/2023 13:46

We forgot to take DD5’s tablet on holiday this summer. What a rookie error.

She borrowed grandparents for quiet afternoon time for an hour or so.

right now DH and I are on our phones and DD on her tablet waiting for the call to board the plane.You could judge us but you wouldn’t know how we spent this morning or the past three days ( or that we were up throughout the night with a sick child) I could list our socially acceptable cultural activities.

i stopped judging other families as soon as so realised how bloody relentless it is.

ladyvimes · 27/08/2023 13:50

Bingbong2000 · 24/08/2023 18:27

My DC are older and so just missed being digital Natives but I think they would have become ADHD if they would have had a tablet all the time. Even after time with the computer they would go abit mad. It's much harder for parents nowadays. Hats off to you.

You cannot ‘become adhd’! What a ridiculously ignorant thing to say!

Jamtartforme · 27/08/2023 14:04

Changeling78 · 27/08/2023 13:43

I put YABU because you come across as quite judgey. You do you, what other families allow is up to them. “My ND kids can do it so why cant NT children” ( paraphrasing)…..none of your business really is it. Really bizarre that it affects you enough that you would have to make a post about it.

But how people parent does affect others, we live in society, the adults you produce are our future neighbours, colleagues, friends, whatever. Of course an hour on a tablet once a week probably won’t affect them, but it’s rarely that little - all the kids I know with tablets started off that way but slowly it’s creeped up and up. Especially now the parents see how easy it is to grab a few hours of ‘me time’.

Parenting is absolutely relentless and difficult, but I really don’t think tablets are the answer. In future I think the AIBUs on here will be full of adults judging their parents for putting them on screens constantly because they found even a few hours or a day of their company too much.

SauronsArsehole · 27/08/2023 14:06

By just you. Mine has never owned a smartphone. I’ve been strict about. Really strict. Mine also has ADHD and already know the issues of screens and gaming so a smartphone was out.

SauronsArsehole · 27/08/2023 14:08

Fwiw a friends now 20 year old child has started a new course with kids 17-22 so his age group. The kids are glued to their screens rather than joining in the socialising. Many just don’t know how to socialise and retreat into themselves and hit the screens the second the training is done.

emziecy · 27/08/2023 14:11

So let me get this straight. You say your kids are ND so it's ok but judge other families you know absolutely fuck all about and assume they are NT and it's not ok?

SS1983 · 27/08/2023 14:12

So indirectly judgemental ! Let them do what they want on their holiday

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 27/08/2023 14:14

I agree with you op.

I was strict with screens, dd didn't have a tablet until she was 8/9yo and it never left the house. Dd is not good at self regulating (ASC) so I always had time limits on it.

There will be a generation of kids who can't hold a conversation imo.

emziecy · 27/08/2023 14:18

Bingbong2000 'its much harder for parents nowadays' umm what is harder? Parenting?

Starlightandsandytoes · 27/08/2023 14:19

Absolutely there are times where tablets are a useful distraction but the huge reliance on them for an easy life doesn’t always make life easy in the long run. We always take a selection of stuff to entertain our children during a meal time but have never used tablets as the children then aren’t actively engaged in the meal. Yes I get there are circumstances where they are really useful, especially for children with additional needs so I don’t judge individual parents but as a generalisation I think there’s far too much reliance on screens. My children are now 6 and 9 and don’t use tablets at home or out and about. They have yoto story players, books and crayons etc on long car journeys. At home they are brilliant at entertaining themselves through creative play, crafting etc and far better at this than kids I know who have a huge amount of screen time. As a generalisation I think there’s a lot of lazy parenting and that we are creating a generation who are far too reliant on screens and are loosing the ability to entertain themselves, though I agree they have their place.

Spendonsend · 27/08/2023 14:19

I think over time social norms will change. At the moment we are in a cross over where some see meals as a social time where we eat and interact and other see it as a time to game/scroll and eat.

Goldbar · 27/08/2023 14:22

Jamtartforme · 27/08/2023 14:04

But how people parent does affect others, we live in society, the adults you produce are our future neighbours, colleagues, friends, whatever. Of course an hour on a tablet once a week probably won’t affect them, but it’s rarely that little - all the kids I know with tablets started off that way but slowly it’s creeped up and up. Especially now the parents see how easy it is to grab a few hours of ‘me time’.

Parenting is absolutely relentless and difficult, but I really don’t think tablets are the answer. In future I think the AIBUs on here will be full of adults judging their parents for putting them on screens constantly because they found even a few hours or a day of their company too much.

Show quote history

Lockdown showed us that our society is willing to throw families and children under the bus in the blink of an eye, so I'm not sure I'd be overly concerned with society's expectations in my parenting.

HelpMebeok · 27/08/2023 14:26

I hate to say really young children on tablets all of the time. I am glad that they weren't around when mine were really little.
I know that many people will say this is judgy but I fear we are killing this generation of children's concentration.

Sirzy · 27/08/2023 14:27

Spendonsend · 27/08/2023 14:19

I think over time social norms will change. At the moment we are in a cross over where some see meals as a social time where we eat and interact and other see it as a time to game/scroll and eat.

I think even on that most people it will vary depending on the overall purpose of the meal.

if it’s a family gathering to celebrate something important then expectations will be different from grabbing a bite to eat after a busy day out for example. But the people sat judging don’t know the context of the occasion or the day as a whole.

as long as it’s not disturbing others personally I don’t care what someone does when I am just seeing a snapshot.

Beurla · 27/08/2023 14:27

My children are older and yes I hate it.

Luckily they didn't really have screens as such, neither of them had phones until about age 10-12, and taking tablets outside wasn't really a 'thing'.

But now they are 17 and 13, and yes especially the youngest. If we go in a taxi, or on a bus, or even to the shopping centre. Youngest even brings it to the toilet sometimes!. It also makes them stay up too late. I take screens out of the youngest's room at 10pm bedtime.

I feel I've missed the boat with imposing screen time rules, but I try talk to the youngest and in his more reasonable moments he agrees with me!

Goldbar · 27/08/2023 14:29

"Lazy parenting" is such a hackneyed phrase. Parents nowadays spend more time with and engage more with their children than they ever did in the past.

yikey · 27/08/2023 14:32

"I always take colouring, stickers or books and magazines"

You do realise that a lot of the time children are doing this kind of thing, but on-screen? Is it just the film or you-tube watching you object to?

MaisyMoo2022 · 27/08/2023 14:36
Bunnycat101 · 27/08/2023 14:37

So mine are having more screen time than usual on holiday and it feels like they are either in the pool or inside in the aircon on a screen. It is giving us something of a break as well. I wouldn’t take them to a restaurant or the pool though. I also worry a bit about self control. At home there are limits on the tablets but actually they are really busy so wouldn’t be using them as much normally.