Is it actually me not them? Kids and screens

[Goforththenorth]

Just got back from a lovely holiday at a family friendly hotel abroad. Exclusively British/Irish clientele.

I couldn’t believe the amount of device time I saw that didn’t include the airport/plane - tablets, phones and hand held consoles. All the time - poolside, at meal times, everywhere I turned there were kids plugged into devices, a lot of the time with headphones.

My DC are neurodivergent (one certainly, suspect the other is too) and when occupied on screens, they’re quiet and don’t bother us, so I can see the appeal (I watched a film in relative peace on the return flight because they were playing games on screens the whole time).

But…I couldn’t believe it. I purposely don’t take screens to meals out in the UK because, maybe especially because my DC are the way they are, I think it helps to teach them that sometimes they have to wait, a bit of patience. I always take colouring, stickers or books and magazines. My eldest with ADHD and DCD really struggles with sitting with zero to occupy him, I’d say it’s nigh on impossible. So it really does take a lot of energy to occupy him while he’s waiting for food to arrive in a restaurant without a screen. We only go to family friendly places. Can’t say if this helps as he’s not great at controlling the ants in his pants if we’re not there to help him control them. But knowing him, having a tablet at a meal once would be a slippery slope to having one every single time.

On holiday, it was an all inclusive buffet so there was none of that waiting for food - DC were in heaven able to get up and help themselves without waiting. Still everywhere I saw kids plugged into their screens whilst eating. Same at the pool, my DC love the water so are happy for a good while, but if they had the option of a tablet or console poolside there would’ve been a lot less pool time.

But seeing as we were in the minority, I’m wondering if it’s in fact me that is old fashioned, too strict with screens, and need to relax a bit? My DM was VERY strict. My DC get what I feel is a lot of screens at home, but I have to control it. I’m wondering if that’s a problem in itself, if I was more relaxed would they want it less in the end. They are definitely not super well behaved, so it’s not like I think I’m winning at parenting!

YANBU - it’s unusual for DC to be on screens so much on holiday

YABU - it’s you, you tech dinosaur, get with the times and relax about screens

And yet people often went on holidays, out for meals and the like without screens- its disingenuous to suggest otherwise. Parents would talk to their children, shock horror.

Not all parents in the past were busily entertaining their children with crosswords, puzzles and interesting conversation. Children quite often behaved because they were afraid not to.

YANBU, however, everyone’s situations are different. We don’t have a support network at home, we are never able to go for a meal/date night on our own, so when we go on holiday we take the kids iPads to dinner for a few reasons: they are 3&4, they get VERY impatient and bored waiting to be served, however if we are at an all inclusive, we don’t give them until they have eaten, just to allow us to finish ours in relative peace, if we don’t they pretend to need the toilet and a whole host of other distractions because they’re bored of sitting at a table.

We also take them to the pool, but this is because our DS (4) has strawberry blonde hair and very pale skin. He burns so easily and can’t play in the pool all day or he burns, regardless of how much sunscreen we apply and he won’t keep a hat on. He likes to sit in the shade, and without the iPad, he’s just bored and complains he wants to go sit in the room… it’s definitely a balancing act. I’d prefer not to rely on them but unfortunately we do.

Hate threads like this.

I have a 6yo with autism and adhd. You’d see him with a screen in a restaurant and judge me for being an uninterested parent. But you won’t have seen the legal battles I’ve fought to get him an education, the hours of additional tutoring I personally give him each week to help him fly academically, the days out we spend together exploring with him being completely feral - pond dipping, wild swimming, tree climbing, hiking. Trips to the library and the hundreds of books he has in his bedroom, all of which we have read together.

But I’m an uninterested parent who is turning my child’s brain to mush because he has a screen in public.

It's not only children. I was at the cinema recently. Phones on throughout ads and trailers, only switched off when main attraction started. In the theatre. Phones on until curtain up. Phones on again during interval. At a concert. Phones on during performance - screens held high to record gig that person was only watching at secondhand via said screen! Even people with tablets held up, blocking view for those behind!

I mostly allow my daughter to play on my kindle fire when we are at an airport or at a restaurant until the food arrives then I put it away. She makes a bit of a mess colouring in with throwing pens (she's just gone 2). Also, the kindle is easier to just put in my bag instead of colouring pens and pages.

There's a few apps the helps her learn her colours and numbers ect.

I don't mind her playing for a bit when she's older as she'll probably use a tablet when she goes to school but I wouldn't want her to play all day on one.

It's not all about you though is it. It's not the case for the majority of children, no one should judge individuals that's true as you don't know the circumstances, but making general observations isn't personal. It often is the case that children are given screens solely because its easier for the parents without their being underlying reasons beyond that. Which is fine as the parents choice, but not ideal for children.

Not unreasonable it’s horrifying to see. Especially the meals out. It’s totally unnecessary and I do not get the justification. Saying kids need it to regulate is frightening- kids get bored, overwhelmed, throw tantrums- it’s part of being a kid, it’s a parents job to help them navigate that and yes it’s bloody hard and takes years, a whole childhood!

society needs to more tolerant of little kids wandering around restaurants etc and being noisy, therefore parents will feel less embarrassed and under pressure to silence children’s exploring and learning and expose them to situations where they learn those skills. Little kids can’t be expected to behave like adults, but sticking an iPad in front of them to achieve silence robs them of the opportunity to work on those their skills.

not being judgemental- but call a spade a spade.

holidays and meals out with little kids are a nightmare, but you put the hard yards in and when they are a little bit older it becomes a joy.

Children wandering around restaurants is dangerous.

people not wanting to hear your child complaining doesn’t make them intolerant it makes them human!

I think like most things... its all about individuals. If you notice your kids struggle with face to face conversations with people not in their household (and have no additional needs) then perhaps it is worth considering if they should have screen time outside the house. I think when some kids are plonked in front of devices in public it delays their social skills because they don't participate in conversations happening around them.

But as this thread has shown, people all have different rules that suit their families. There have been a number of posts which say "YANBU, we only allow screens in X, Y and Z situation..." Trouble is, the range of situations cover most of the day!

I could come on here and say "YANBU, I only allow screens at the evening meal, but we do puzzles and sticker books on plane and train trips, my DC play together or with their toys in the hotel room and they're either in the kids club or we're doing activities for most of the day. But I heard the family in the room next to us letting their kids have tablets in the room all afternoon, the lazy arses..."

Meanwhile, they could be saying about us, "I can't believe they let their DC have a tablet at dinner, we only allow them for downtime in the hotel room".

In reality, their family's holiday schedule is none of our business.
Our family's holiday schedule is none of their business.
The holiday schedule of any family other than your own is none of your business.

We should all show consideration for each other (always headphones!) but it is unbecomingly arrogant to judge other families, who you don't even know, just because they do things differently from your family.

Just putting it out there - I do think there's a difference between playing creative and problem solving games on a device and watching SHITE on YouTube.

My DD would watch American dickheads "pranking" on YouTube all fucking day if I let her- i have VENOM in my veins when I hear the words "Don't forget to subscribe to my channel guys mehmememahhh".

I don't judge anyone, its annoying though when things cant be discussed because some get offended for no reason- see also obesity. It is detrimental to children to use devices excessively especally when its in lieu of learning life skills. If parents choose to let them use them then thats their choice, but the defensiveness and mind your own just stifles discussion about the implications which means people are no longer making informed decisons.

Totally get you. Have a 3 yo and 1 yo and currently on holiday in Spain.so many people's kids with tablets at the dinner table. It distracts my daughter who doesn't have one

Ours has only had one for the plane. And then 2 mins of Spidey when brushing teeth on my phone

IMO there is nothing worse than trying to enjoy a family meal when the next table have a tablet that’s loudly playing some crappy kids show. As a couple DH and I put our phones away when out on a date and do the same with our DC. We want to enjoy each others company. We take a bag out with things like pens,paper, cards etc in it and we will all sit there playing games. We like to try to holiday in places with limited Wi-Fi and phone signal. We all enjoy the break from the real world and screens.

How many judgmental comments. You have seen tiny parts of these families' lives. You know nothing about them or their habits, not giving an ipad to your kids at mealtimes or by the pool doesn't make you a better parent than others.
Seems like many feel somehow superior that you are able to entertain your children "better" than the parents who resort to screens. I'm sure that most of those parents don't let their kids be on screens all of the time. You know nothing about them, I don't understand how you feel entitled to express judgement on their parenting.

We never normally allow screens at mealtimes for our 2 small kids, but on holiday we did. My kids can't get up and go to the buffet by themselves, one can't even have a conversation yet, so if we wanted to eat sitting down for 15 minutes we gave them an Ipad. Then what? Am I a horrible parent? They were overtired and had been spending most of the day running about so they would have just screamed and made our meals (and other people's) miserable. We don't do it at home, we happily did it every evening on holiday (with headphones obviously).

Even by the pool, after playing in the pool for most of the morning, we gave our son his ipad to be out of the heat and sun for a bit during the hottest part of the day. We did have sticker books and colouring books too btw, but if we wanted him to sit for more than 10 minutes we put his ipad on too. You're not a better parent because you don't do the same.

Why are people even bothered by what others are doing on their holiday? There's always something parents get judged for, if it's not screen time it's their kids being too noisy or running around and so on. My kids watching a show on a tablet doesn't affect you in the slightest, just leave them be and mind your own kids.

Have 2 children, just 8& nearly 6. Very limited screen time always and it's fine. They listen to a lot of stories through audible generally and have a new story when a long journey is planned. We take activities for restaurant meals out. Youngest can have total meltdowns but we just deal with them best we can. YANBU!

We saw this during the summer on an AI holiday too. The place we were staying was fairly international - equal numbers of Brits, French, Spanish, Italian, smattering of Dutch, Polish, Scandinavians. Lots of very small children put in front of a screen each mealtime. Buffet style service is instant gratification, there is no ordering and waiting, you just go and get it. But we often saw one parent sit down with the child, the other parent went off to get food. Even though it would be literally 2 minutes until mum/dad was back with the food, the tablet came out, headphones on. And remained on while eating.

When we were there most of the kids were pre-schoolers up to about 6 or 7. Very few older children. Didn't see much evidence of screens about the poolside, but lots in the restaurant. Also in the evening entertainment, parents watching the show, kid plugged into Peppa Pig or similar.

Seems like many feel somehow superior that you are able to entertain your children "better" than the parents who resort to screens.

Why shouldn't they?

Because it obviously doesn't make them a better parent or superior in any way?

It's probably less than 20 minutes of someone else's day, you know nothing about them and their children, or what they've been doing all day and there's really nothing to feel superior about.
The fact that you think someone giving their kids a screen for 15 minutes is inferior to the parents who don't is just ridiculous.

Well I can't answer your AIBU because yes it's ubiquitous among some, but I don't think it's ok.

I also am shocked when I see DC especially young ones constantly on screens on holiday or when travelling. Literally on them all day every day in some cases and throughout meals.

Having said that, on the last day of our 2 week holiday with v low screen use, we let DC play games on our phones when one was becoming super dysregulated and we wanted to enjoy a final beer in peace - we were in a bar with lots of locals and no other kids were on screens. I felt quite self conscious tbh. If someone had seen us only then they might have assumed our DC had been on screens constantly.

I let my ten year old watch TV, but not the hyperactive games. Never had a tablet or games consult. He's learnt to entertain himself looking out the window on journeys. Never have it at mealtimes as that's rude from my perspective. On holiday he was throughly engaged and interested in everything in the real world. Screens are ruining kids brains.

Because all children are different and parenting isn't some ginormous competition 🙄?

I used to feel more relaxed about it, but now I realise how much these screens have apps designed to be highly addictive, and that there are negative consequences for it (in our case, TikTok, eating disorder central, Instagram, actual rubbish going in my teens brains) I feel more strongly about limiting it at least in family interactions.

Even with my late teens, if we watch a movie together, we all have our phones off (this is very difficult for one of mine). Out for dinner, I'm not paying £££ to watch them sit on their phones, so again, it's a no phone situation (although I don't mind them on the table in case of a message).

Phones are passive crap basically, not even as good as writing on Mumsnet which is quite a bad way to spend time but at least you write something, make a connection, support someone (hopefully). I've tried to show my children that if all they do is consume rubbish, their brains will be full of rubbish. There's value in having to concentrate, or produce something (writing, painting, drawing, creating).

Phones are worse than TV shows as the type of short-form shit they watch is genuinely worthless ,and often sends out awful messages about women's bodies, behaviour, the whole thing is jaw-droppingly awful as a way to spend several hours a day and produces a form of dopamine- hit which is destructive when you then try to concentrate on a book or write something. I encourage my kids to watch TV shows rather than doom-scroll, or to limit their scrolling, which one does anyway and the other struggles with but understands why it is destructive as a major part of life at least.

I'm not against phones/screens a bit as a form of light relief, an hour or so a day, but that's not how much teens are on them.