I am losing it with DH!

[LosingIt23]

Sorry, this will be long... I apologise in advance.

DH and I have been married for 11y. We have one DC (3yo). We both work FT and we have separate finances - I pay mortgage, childcare, house/garden maintenance and food/shopping. He pays for the car (I don't drive), utilities and a cleaner 1x week (5h). In case it is relevant, I make 4x his salary so I naturally cover 4x more in terms of costs.

I am a high earner and we can comfortably live without his income but I respect that he wants a career and have, 2 years ago, accepted to move away from my parents/friendship circle to live close to his parents as he had a career opportunity there. I have, in the past, offered him an option to be SAHP but he refused and I can fully understand that - SAHP wouldn't suit me either. DC adores him and he adores DC. The two of us can still laugh together, sex is good and I am not interested in other men.

However, and this is a big HOWEVER - I carry the entire mental load. All the appointments, all orders for the house, maintenance, pets, his own as well as DCs and mine health/social engagements - pretty much anything that comes to mind, it's down to me...

I WFH and have a very intense job which means that a week can pass and I won't step a foot outside of the house. He works in an office and gets up, showers, puts his suit/tie on and off he goes with a book to read during the commute. In the meanwhile, I wake up before him - feed the pets, start cooking (so that DC would have a healthy, cooked from scratch meal for dinner), check in on both sets of parents, get DC ready for nursery (he does drop offs and pick ups)... once they're out of the door, I clean, tidy and then start working. If work allows, I spend lunch break dealing with said appointments, orders...

And then we come to today. Last three weeks have been very difficult for me. I had a business trip which was cut short when a close family member of mine died. I flew to my home country to organise funeral, be support to my mother (ill and on her own) etc. Came back Sunday evening to a house that was a complete pit. It turns out he forgot the vet appointment for neutering our kitten, which started spraying... on top of that he decided to fire our cleaner as he 'realized he could save so much if he just did it himself' - but of course he didn't. His clothes and dirty socks were all over our en suite and dressing room.

I didn't even get a chance to recover/address this when I got plunged into a work-related crisis that got me working late 2 days in a row. He offered a 'poor you' speech but made sure to mention DC said how 'Mummy always works'. This morning he forgot to take something that had to be posted and I had to walk 25mins (one way) to do it myself. On top of that - even though I asked him 3x -he forgot to take my raincoat from the car and drove off with it and it was pouring outside. Finally - I discovered that he still didn't repair (or order parts) for a tool he was promising to fix since we moved here.

So, wise Mumsnetters - AIBU to lose it at him or not? What do I do? How do I make him see this kind of life will send me to a hospital or worse?

I imagine you still shower, get dressed and brush your hair, despite WFH - so no reason that he shouldn't get DC ready to go, especially since HE is the one who will be late for work if DC isn't ready when he wants to leave!

The logic was - I seem to be the only one bothered by it, so I should be the one to... you get the rest. But yes - we will need to have a conversation tonight and I will be taking DC with me for a week at least.

I was shocked to discover he fired her and when I asked if we could re-hire her (or someone else), he gave me 'trust me, we don't need one, I can do it all on my own' speech and I didn't want to undermine him.

As others have said, undermining him shouldn't be a concern. I think this is a flat "why hasn't the bathroom been cleaned?/ why hasn't the vacuuming been done" and if he prevaricates, it's a flat, "but you said that YOU Could do it and save money on the cleaner".

Unfortunately, I know from experience that you will land up feeling, and being accused of, being a nag. So that's something to consider. DH and I nearly got divorced over this exact issue. And the weird thing is that on EVERYTHING else, even though he doesn't naturally step up to do the mental load, if we talk about it, when he "gets it' he DOES step up. I don't understand why not with the cleaning.

But really, my biggest issue is that you are going through a huge loss of a family member, supporting your mum etc and he is doing NOTHING to help you. How can he say he loves you when he can't see that you need extra support? My DH is terrible at seeing the mental load until I specifically hand it off to him. But he loves me and when I'm am emotional wreck and overwhelmed, he thinks about what he can do to make my life better.

I haven't really got much to add to the excellent comments from PPs tbh. Your husband is a lazy selfish prick and is treating you with utter contempt. This really jumped out at me:

He is a solid parent to DC in that he has patience to play, he's very engaged in teaching them stuff, he is 100% responsible when it comes to agreed parenting decisions (as in - how do we teach DC right from wrong, etc.), and he will take them anywhere anytime

This is BASIC PARENTING, and he isn't a 'solid parent' as it's all based on your hard work behind the scenes! Of course the cunt has the patience to play - he's not on his knees with exhaustion from doing everything that you are!!

I'm honestly raging on your behalf as you sound lovely OP. Talking to him will not work. He knows how you feel he just doesn't care enough to make real and sustainable changes to make your life a little bit more bearable. Just think about that.

I couldn't live like this. OH too dainty to cope with basic life admin like different electronic calendars and makes more work for you by making stupid decisions - nah. I'd bin him

I think you need to undermine the fuck out of him to be honest. And his anger or sadness or upset at you telling him his contribution is so so so far below pulling his weight is also Not Your Fucking Problem either. Practice saying calmly I am glad you are upset, it makes me hope that you see I am extremely serious and this is not ok.

take the kids, take a holiday. Say I will not move back into this house without a cleaner, and these jobs done, and when you said we could do the cleaning what I heard you say is I do not acknowledge respect or care that you work yourself into the ground keeping this house running. I do not care that you cannot work in this filthy house. Do you not realise what shit lives we would have if I didn’t take care of things? our dc would have no friends if they stank and they never took presents to parties, that our house would be a health hazard if I wasn’t responsible for cleaning, I come back after two weeks and the bathrooms haven’t been cleaned the whole time, basically you are a low level neglectful father all the time and you get away with it because I cover for you. I’m too fucking burnt out and furious to cover for you anymore, seeing as you have so clearly told me how little you think of me. I needed your support and instead I get this pile of stinking shit. From now on you will get up when I get up and help get our kids ready and things done around the house. That’s if we ever move back in. I’ve emailed your list of non negotiables, I’ve packed the kids a bag of clothes, I had to wash half of it first, and we are leaving in an hour.

I know everyone’s husbands and situations are different but with mine he’s had to realise that not stepping up is more aggro and effort in terms of arguments, marriage crisis etc than stepping up and getting on with it. Only when I have had to make it more effort and inconvenience for him to be a passenger (and I do lose my shit every so often) has he stepped up. Some people will always choose the path of least effort.

So you had to drop everything to rush home and he didn't even manage the basics of cooking, cleaning, childcare and pet care? And when you got back you had to get down on your knees and scrub the bathroom?

I'm struggling to understand how this is a man you could love. You certainly can't rely on him.

can you go into the office? if not can you hire small office co/work spice to work from. I know a few wfh people who do this to eliminate the distraction.

Have a serious chat and then go on strike outside of the caring responsibilities for DC do nothing. if cooking do for you and dc, sleep in the are room if you have one.

if you are determined not to break up then you need to get into couples counselling

Jesus Christ. He fires the cleaner and you neither protest nor insist he cleans because you don’t want to ‘undermine’ him…so you take a day off to clean, instead?!

Are you afraid of this man? Why are you so passive? You’re clearly an intelligent capable woman. Yet, you just sit there and accept it while he rains disrespectful shite on you, as though there’s nothing you can do about it. If you don’t want to leave him, fine. But, speak up! Say things are unacceptable. Protest at the time. Be direct in your communication.

And no waffly ‘conversations’ after which he makes vague promises. You need a clear plan of action. A few ideas with which to start:

• He needs to wake up earlier and do the morning prep with DC at least half the time.
• He needs to either hire a cleaner or do the cleaning, starting today. And that requires actually doing it himself. No ‘we’, no putting it off till a faraway weekend.
• He needs to figure out how not to be ‘overwhelmed’ by calendars, as you will no longer be doing his life admin.

I do not mean this unkindly, but none of this will change unless you stop being a doormat and use your voice.

If you want to stay with him, then you have to ring fence the things you want done and either do them, or pay someone to do them. Don't do anything he is solely responsible for or will solely benefit from. Such as contacting his parents - he is responsible for that emotional work. Focus not on making his life easier by doing things for him, but on making your and your DCs life better. For example use an organic meal service a couple of times a week so you don't have to cook, or take you and your DC out for supper (and maybe a trip to the theatre, or museum at the same time). Get a vet to come to your home.

He needs to grow up and he won't if you meet all his needs. And you need to simplify your life. Good luck...

The logic was - I seem to be the only one bothered by it, so I should be the one to...

You have had such brilliant advice OP, my small contribution would be to get him to do the things that he is bothered by.

He wants to eat? So he does all the food shopping/ meal prep and cooking FOR YOU ALL. And all the cleaning afterwards.

He wants clean clothes? Then he does ALL of his own washing and ironing.

He wants to have a shower? Then he buys ALL of the shampoo/ shower gel/ cleaning products.

He wants a poo? "Where are the loo rolls?" "Up to you to buy them - it's your job remember you lazy ass "

You and DC wont suffer as you will have a stash of cleaning stuff/ loo rolls he know NOTHING about. And if he hasnt cooked, off you and DC go on your own to a restaurant.

I would give him 2 weeks of that behaviour and he will soon learn. BUT DON'T ENABLE HIM ANYMORE BY PICKING UP THE SLACK!!!

I agree, stop doing all the things, don’t contact his parents, don’t wash or pick up his clothes, don’t make appointments unless for yourself or DC.

I’m so sorry you are having to live with this utter arsehole.
its very telling that you describe having to drop everything to deal with the death of a relative in a foreign country and it’s aftermath in catching up with work as a consequence as ‘YOU having dropped the ball’. You have normalised his behaviour in your efforts to pretend everything is okay and accepted things as YOUR fault by terming it like that!

IT IS NOT NORMAL. A partner of any merit would step up in such circumstances, lighten your load and bloody well participate! If you can’t even rely on him in moments of crisis, then what on earth is the point of him?

So he fired the cleaner knowing full well he expected you to clean because you’re the one bothered by it.

Trust me, he likes a clean and tidy home too. It’s just his desire to make you do the work overrides this.

Also, who will be bothered by him being late to work? When you come back, drop that ball like a hot potato. Go for a calming morning walk. If he’s flying around furious they aren’t ready you say ‘you’ll have to get them ready earlier’ if he thinks that’s your job and he’ll be late you say that’s up to you, you are never bothered by how much time cleaning and organising our lives takes out of my work day. You have yo get them ready in time for you not to be late to work, like other parents do. (My Dh leaves at 6 most mornings so I’m solo getting 3 dc ready and out to school and childcare and getting me to work for my busy job which earns half again as much as his. But he picks them up and cooks dinner etc on his own after work)

Thank you all for your comments - and thank you for finding anger for me when I am failing to do so. I am taking note of everything said here and am bracing myself for the conversation later tonight. I think we have reached a breaking point - or at least I have - and something has to change. His behaviour or our marital status.

He wont change. Its such a sad state of affairs we're in where the world is changing but majority of men are stuck in the past.

I'm divorcing my H, i'd say this stuff was 50% of the reason things went wrong in between us. Now we're living separately and i still have to remind him about every kids club/birthday/appointment even though we have a shared Google calendar. The positives are that I KNOW I'm in this alone now, and don't have to feel constantly angry and frustrated at him for taking me for granted.

sorry if this has been asked, I've read all OP posts but only 75% of replies.

Could you work from your home country?

if you can, I'd say I was going for a fortnight, but actually go for as long as it took to get him to apologise off his own back & ask about life going forward.

I didn't see anyone ask about ADHD? Is it possible?

while you're away think very carefully about leaving him. Lots of separations occur when the situation just becomes intolerable, it doesn't mean that there aren't good things about the relationship or that you don't live or fancy them, just sometimes you have to value your health or sanity more.

i understand not wanting to not see DS everyday, but in reality what are the chances of him actually being able/wanting to do more than EOW??

Dont have a knee jerk reaction to the questions people have posed, really stop & think about them all and don't be scared to change your mind, accept you're acting out of guilt/fear rather than your genuine feelings.

it's not always easy being single, but FMD it's not easy being you with him!!

IF you stay with him, get a cleaner, I'd have called the old one the minute I found out he'd sacked her!! (If you thought she was good). Worrying about undermining him would be valid IF he was doing the cleaning, could be relied on to do anything, pulled his weight. Tough fucking luck if he feels undermined.

big hugs, have a good cry as it is a difficult & sad situation and you're recently bereavedxx

then start feeling angry instead of tearful!

Honest to God he's driving you into the ground and you're worried about undermining him? Many women have no choice but to put up with this sort of rubbish from their partner as they have no money and really no way out.
You are obviously a sharp savvy women but when it comes to your husband a complete doormat. Not teaching your child much in this respect. You can afford couples counselling I would take advantage of it - he needs to shape up or ship out. He's got a cushy life and he's taking you for a complete mug. He's an arse.

You wrote:
How do I make him see this kind of life will send me to a hospital or worse?

I had a useless bloke, plus he hardly worked at all. I was depressed during most of my marriage. And had a few psychotic breakdowns which did end with me in psychiatric hospital. It's only recently fully dawned on me how much my ill health, which is amazingly improved since my divorce a decade ago, was due to the behaviour of my Ex.

Be warned.

Can you afford to work less hours, I mean really reduce his comfortable life, and spend the time you would be working in maintaining the chores that need doing, just earn enough to cover the very basics and to keep your business going. I’m only talking a few weeks just to give him a taste of how it would be if you worked part time. You could if you are devious enough, keep working the hours you do, and really keep up with the house etc, and pocket the extra income whilst he learns his lesson.

I really think he needs to see how much you work, ok he doesn’t want a cleaner so you do it when you should be working, he doesn’t clean/cook/tidy etc ok, you do it instead of working not as well as, so at the end of the day you have worked as many hours as him and that’s all,

does that make sense, I know what trying to suggest, but not very good at putting it across 🙄

I'm sorry for your recent loss OP.

I can't believe your DH thought it was a good idea to sack the cleaner whilst you were out of the country/ grieving. It's like he picked the worst possible timing....

Is he usually this dim, or is it possible he feels emasculated by your more successful career and is trying to undermine you?

Your post reminded me of the recent post where the DH let the naked toddler interrupt the wife's really crucial work meeting. So inconsiderate it's unbelievable.

DC already has a busy social schedule for a 3yo (only child so I try to compensate with playgroups and playdates and outings of all sorts)

There's no need! Children get all the socialisation they need at nursery/preschool. What I think would benefit them (and you) is more time with a less exhausted, stressed out mummy.

Cut your hours/days at work and just relax with your child. Get the cleaner back and use your free time to tackle the "mental load" MN are always banging on about.

It sounds to me that you have a good relationship so ignore those urging you to break up your family. You and your dh have different priorities so maybe you should adjust yours and ask him to do the same.

Honestly if you have to hire abs assistant why do you need him as just a …. Hang on basically .
Makre sure he transfers the money for the cleaner . I wouldn’t be carrying him a it longer .
Hes along for a free ride.