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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I am losing it with DH!

400 replies

LosingIt23 · 24/08/2023 12:19

Sorry, this will be long... I apologise in advance.

DH and I have been married for 11y. We have one DC (3yo). We both work FT and we have separate finances - I pay mortgage, childcare, house/garden maintenance and food/shopping. He pays for the car (I don't drive), utilities and a cleaner 1x week (5h). In case it is relevant, I make 4x his salary so I naturally cover 4x more in terms of costs.

I am a high earner and we can comfortably live without his income but I respect that he wants a career and have, 2 years ago, accepted to move away from my parents/friendship circle to live close to his parents as he had a career opportunity there. I have, in the past, offered him an option to be SAHP but he refused and I can fully understand that - SAHP wouldn't suit me either. DC adores him and he adores DC. The two of us can still laugh together, sex is good and I am not interested in other men.

However, and this is a big HOWEVER - I carry the entire mental load. All the appointments, all orders for the house, maintenance, pets, his own as well as DCs and mine health/social engagements - pretty much anything that comes to mind, it's down to me...

I WFH and have a very intense job which means that a week can pass and I won't step a foot outside of the house. He works in an office and gets up, showers, puts his suit/tie on and off he goes with a book to read during the commute. In the meanwhile, I wake up before him - feed the pets, start cooking (so that DC would have a healthy, cooked from scratch meal for dinner), check in on both sets of parents, get DC ready for nursery (he does drop offs and pick ups)... once they're out of the door, I clean, tidy and then start working. If work allows, I spend lunch break dealing with said appointments, orders...

And then we come to today. Last three weeks have been very difficult for me. I had a business trip which was cut short when a close family member of mine died. I flew to my home country to organise funeral, be support to my mother (ill and on her own) etc. Came back Sunday evening to a house that was a complete pit. It turns out he forgot the vet appointment for neutering our kitten, which started spraying... on top of that he decided to fire our cleaner as he 'realized he could save so much if he just did it himself' - but of course he didn't. His clothes and dirty socks were all over our en suite and dressing room.

I didn't even get a chance to recover/address this when I got plunged into a work-related crisis that got me working late 2 days in a row. He offered a 'poor you' speech but made sure to mention DC said how 'Mummy always works'. This morning he forgot to take something that had to be posted and I had to walk 25mins (one way) to do it myself. On top of that - even though I asked him 3x -he forgot to take my raincoat from the car and drove off with it and it was pouring outside. Finally - I discovered that he still didn't repair (or order parts) for a tool he was promising to fix since we moved here.

So, wise Mumsnetters - AIBU to lose it at him or not? What do I do? How do I make him see this kind of life will send me to a hospital or worse?

OP posts:
DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 26/08/2023 19:58

LosingIt23 · 24/08/2023 13:51

In all honesty - I am struggling to find the anger. I am full of tears... I am still trying to process losing a very close person, and I am under a lot of pressure at work so taking a PTO day in the middle of it - was a really big decision for me. I just feel I didn't even have a chance to catch my breath and properly grieve because even while I was there - it was all running around sorting paperwork, organizing funeral, ordering food, booking room for reception, flowers while taking care of my parents. Two flights later I was on my knees scrubbing toilets and cat piss in the hallway. The next morning all hell broke loose at work.

Show quote history

I read that post OP and just thought why the hell isn't he rallying around you and asking what can he do to help?
How is he actually spending his time?
You are going through a bereavement and worried about your parents and because you have stopped pedalling the whole set up is crumbling.
But WHAT is he actually doing? Even if he's not being practically supportive, why isn't he being emotionally supportive?

I don't want this to sound like an LTB post as I know it's not that simple, but really when you are at the right point, a big discussion needs to be had.
Even if this is just ineptitude, he needs to wake up.
Because if someone leaves you to cope with everything on your own...it would make me worry what would happen when the next big life crisis (god forbid) comes along.
What does he think supporting a partner in an emergency entails?

Isthisasgoodasitis · 26/08/2023 20:05

Chore list your fridge with a family planner write on it his required contribution and cross off as achieved Sunday point out his failure this week means next week he has sooooo much more to do after week two do what you can of his list then appear from office and ask what’s for tea as you’ve caught him up best you can so didn’t have time to cook make him see he’s a lazy shite oh and demand he reinstated the cleaner stat

MeridaBrave · 26/08/2023 20:25

I have set up a to do list in Apple tasks. I assign his tasks to him. We also have shared calendars, so can see each others. Sounds like he struggles with mental loads stuff so I think you need to sit down once a week, go through the to do list, and shared tasks. To start with he has to find a new cleaner.

MeridaBrave · 26/08/2023 20:45

I also think you need way more than 5 hours a week. If you are working at home in a full on job ideally someone who can come every day even if it’s only 2 -3 hours, can put on wash, put clothes away, empty dishwasher, clean up if you’ve cooked etc.

celticprincess · 26/08/2023 21:01

From reading MN over the years I conclude than men in general can’t do what you and many more posters in the past are requesting. It seems that it’s not in their DNA. I’m now single. My ex is a nightmare. He can’t organise himself. Constantly doubly booking himself, forgetting to pay bills, house is a tip, never has food in the cupboards before he has the kids and always ends up dragging them to the supermarket. He rarely attends parent teacher meetings and when he does he complains they were a waste of his time. He gets the same emails from school but never knows when the kids have an assembly or show and when I text to ask if he’s going claims he knows nothing. Even when I’ve copied and pasted an event and told him to put in his calendar he then forgets and claims he didn’t know.

Ive never heard men complain that their wife or partner never takes on the mental load and that they’re going to crack up without help. I don’t know what the answer is and I’m genuinely not being sexist.

Arruwa · 26/08/2023 21:17

Shifts.

I can't help with his cleanliness issues, but the solution to the mental load problem is definitely shift.

Pick 3 days of the week on which you will do absolutely nothing. He must pick up and drop off the kid, feed, the kid, leave work if the kid is sick, etc. Do not accept any excuses about it affecting his career.

He will suck at it for a while, but slowly get better. But until he actually has responsibilities beyond himself, nothing will change.

NotMyDayJob · 26/08/2023 23:26

anon666 · 26/08/2023 13:04

I might do things differently if I could live my life again but I don't think I'd be happier alone now the kids have grown up.

I do wonder at another life I might have lived if I had never met him. I don't think it would have been a happier life but it might have been one in which I got to pursue more of my own goals.

He now works really hard, not only in his job, but also on the house and garden. More so than I do. Its settled down over the years but I have levelled down to meet the bar.

How can any of us really know whether we'd have been happier another way? I value my family life and kids too much to blow it all apart. It was a compromise all those years ago but now it's okay.

Well I don't know if I wouldn't be happier if I'd not met my DH and had my (very hard come by) DC

But I also know I'm not completely miserable and ruminating on that on Mumsnet, is if it's, ok?

And my kids are little, there's a reason to be here. I hope you find peace, I really do

Leab23 · 27/08/2023 00:51

So sorry to hear about the hard time you've had with family, it must have felt awful coming home to such a state when what you needed was comfort and support.

Woukd he do better with lists of chores and responsibilities? Some people can't hack the load "mentally" and need that physical reminder. It's not an excuse at all and you should definitely talk to him and tell him you're at your limit. He might not be able to change instantly but it should become something he is conscious to change as apart from this area of your life, it sounds like you have a good relationship. Has he always been like it? My partner was a total slob when we first met and I couldn't stand it, took it into my own hands and told him he needed to up his standards of doing things, and now he does a lot without being asked.

I really hope he can see where you're coming from, make time to talk about it and let him know how close you are to calling it quits. Sometimes an ultimatum is the shock to the system people need to reevaluate. Best of luck, I hope you can get a good rest soon, take care of yourself!

user1492757084 · 27/08/2023 05:30

Simples .. Reinstate the cleaner.
You pay for the cleaning.
Have the cleaner in while you work from home.
Ask you husband to contribute only to things that he can manage without irking you - have him pay the mortgage.

Can he take charge of the outside yard (to his standard), picking up kids, puting bins out and in, car servicing and registering, pegging washing out, food shopping for set list, packing and unpacking dishwasher, cooking meals set nights?

Make a list of things that he can do without you feeling that fussy about whether his and your standards align.
Leave him to it and you organise things that matter most to you.

Teach your kids cleaning, cooking and picking up after themselves and other skills so that they grow up to be self sufficient and helpful about any home including yours.
As your family gets older the kids will be reliable.

user1492757084 · 27/08/2023 05:58

After reading all your posts OP I also think that you needed to take more time off to cope with your grief and also choose your battles in regards to standards.
You have extra high standards.
It is not up to your husband to meet all those standards himself.

You need to out source everything he will not do if it is something you HAVE to have done a certain way..
Your husband has more relaxed standards on tidiness and he is kinder to himself and gives himself down time.
Ask his advice on how you can give yourself more down time.
Ask him to give you two mornings per week sleep ins.

Also be transparent about what you arrange for the family.
Write down and share all that you do - paying bills, booking holidays etc

Your husband doesn't know what he doesn't know.

Show him how you booked a weekend away and ask him to please book some where nice for XX weekend.

Lucyboat · 27/08/2023 07:07

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Lucyboat · 27/08/2023 07:09

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Original poster
LosingIt23 · 27/08/2023 07:41

Update with an attempt to respond to some questions.

As I said in my last post, he came from work and launched into cleaning. The reason why was apparently that he realised he was ‘dropping the ball’ and my silence that day even though I was on a day off tipped him off on my state of mind (normally we exchange a message or two during the day). We still had the conversation and I prepared a list of things that are ‘mine’ from him and asked him to do the same. Result: we will have cleaners in for a deep clean next week and our normal cleaner thankfully accepted to come back for 2x per week. He also said he will take over house/garden maintenance and I will absolutely hold him to it and won’t do a thing about it going forward.

I do love him and I do believe he is not doing this to hurt me as he genuinely wouldn’t mind if I stopped doing things, he doesn’t seem to see the chaos the same way I do and his mind for some reason doesn’t think about it like mine does. Maybe having it written down and set reminders will help. I didn’t write about my feelings for him because at our age I guess I am aware that love doesn’t conquer all and that more than that is needed for a marriage to succeed.

We don’t have two cars because we don’t need two. I don’t drive. And we live in a village where taxis are not as easy to come by. I indeed have only one raincoat - why would I need two. And we don’t live in a mansion. We live in a 4bed detached, which is still way bigger than what we objectively need. We have 3 cats and 2 dogs, all neutered, one of which elderly so it is not as simple as feed the kitten in seconds. And re mess - you’d be surprised how much of that can be done by said number of people and pets - I know i repeatedly am.

Even if tidying only took 15 mins every day - it is 15 mins on top of other 5-10-15 mins things to do and that very quickly adds up. I cook for DC because I want to. I know that they can go without that given food in nursery and sometimes, when I am pressed for time we order in or eat sandwiches. However, I do want dc to grow up eating food their mummy makes, even if I can afford to outsource that.

I am very grateful for all the advice here - I took them all in and made a plan that I can live with. As said, we will have the cleaner back and he will have reminders set to take care of responsibilities that are now officially his. If this doesn’t pan out, I will look into part-time PA for the household and/or housekeeper. I decided against a week away, for now but that remains an option if I become overwhelmed again in the future.

OP posts:
HungryandIknowit · 27/08/2023 08:53

Great that you found something that works for you. Please hold him to account! All the best.

Lucyboat · 27/08/2023 08:56

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Lucyboat · 27/08/2023 08:57

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T1Dmama · 27/08/2023 09:15

LosingIt23 · 27/08/2023 07:41

Update with an attempt to respond to some questions.

As I said in my last post, he came from work and launched into cleaning. The reason why was apparently that he realised he was ‘dropping the ball’ and my silence that day even though I was on a day off tipped him off on my state of mind (normally we exchange a message or two during the day). We still had the conversation and I prepared a list of things that are ‘mine’ from him and asked him to do the same. Result: we will have cleaners in for a deep clean next week and our normal cleaner thankfully accepted to come back for 2x per week. He also said he will take over house/garden maintenance and I will absolutely hold him to it and won’t do a thing about it going forward.

I do love him and I do believe he is not doing this to hurt me as he genuinely wouldn’t mind if I stopped doing things, he doesn’t seem to see the chaos the same way I do and his mind for some reason doesn’t think about it like mine does. Maybe having it written down and set reminders will help. I didn’t write about my feelings for him because at our age I guess I am aware that love doesn’t conquer all and that more than that is needed for a marriage to succeed.

We don’t have two cars because we don’t need two. I don’t drive. And we live in a village where taxis are not as easy to come by. I indeed have only one raincoat - why would I need two. And we don’t live in a mansion. We live in a 4bed detached, which is still way bigger than what we objectively need. We have 3 cats and 2 dogs, all neutered, one of which elderly so it is not as simple as feed the kitten in seconds. And re mess - you’d be surprised how much of that can be done by said number of people and pets - I know i repeatedly am.

Even if tidying only took 15 mins every day - it is 15 mins on top of other 5-10-15 mins things to do and that very quickly adds up. I cook for DC because I want to. I know that they can go without that given food in nursery and sometimes, when I am pressed for time we order in or eat sandwiches. However, I do want dc to grow up eating food their mummy makes, even if I can afford to outsource that.

I am very grateful for all the advice here - I took them all in and made a plan that I can live with. As said, we will have the cleaner back and he will have reminders set to take care of responsibilities that are now officially his. If this doesn’t pan out, I will look into part-time PA for the household and/or housekeeper. I decided against a week away, for now but that remains an option if I become overwhelmed again in the future.

Good for you OP.
I haven’t read everyone’s comments but find it amusing that anyone would ask why you cook for DC!!…. Of course parents want to cook for their kids… what planet do some people live on!

Lucyboat · 27/08/2023 09:16

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Original poster
LosingIt23 · 27/08/2023 09:37

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A dog walker.

OP posts:
Original poster
LosingIt23 · 27/08/2023 09:38

I travel for work on average once
per quarter- sometimes more, sometimes less.

OP posts:
Lucyboat · 27/08/2023 09:41

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Lucyboat · 27/08/2023 09:44

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CherryMaDeara · 27/08/2023 09:45

I think he will slip back into his habits, OP, and I’d be looking out for it. A leopard doesn’t change his spots.

Sounds like he is scared of the gravy training stopping but that fear will subside once he thinks he has you where he wants you.

I’d also learn to drive if possible asap, so that you’re not reliant on him in case he goes back to being lazy and you kick him to the touch.

Brutalass · 27/08/2023 09:51

He needs to grow up and take some fucking responsibility and I'm afraid you need to wise up too. Until you STOP doing everything for him and paying for everything he will keep taking and expecting and sitting back and let you do and he will continue to do so.

He is a lazy, entitled git and however great the relationship he is on easy street!

You NEED to have a serious word if this relationship is to go the distance.

I certainly don't have a problem with being the breadwinner - but I couldn't live under those circumstances with my partner taking me for a mug!

A true partnership is just that, however the money is split the responsibility, burden of jobs, etc, can be shared equally and surely and fool can see how you're run ragged and how he can clearly pitch in to help you.

Personally - I wouldn't be standing for his shit!

ImABox · 27/08/2023 11:30

That book that people have linked to and endorsed by Reese Witherspoon looks good