I am losing it with DH!

[LosingIt23]

Sorry, this will be long... I apologise in advance.

DH and I have been married for 11y. We have one DC (3yo). We both work FT and we have separate finances - I pay mortgage, childcare, house/garden maintenance and food/shopping. He pays for the car (I don't drive), utilities and a cleaner 1x week (5h). In case it is relevant, I make 4x his salary so I naturally cover 4x more in terms of costs.

I am a high earner and we can comfortably live without his income but I respect that he wants a career and have, 2 years ago, accepted to move away from my parents/friendship circle to live close to his parents as he had a career opportunity there. I have, in the past, offered him an option to be SAHP but he refused and I can fully understand that - SAHP wouldn't suit me either. DC adores him and he adores DC. The two of us can still laugh together, sex is good and I am not interested in other men.

However, and this is a big HOWEVER - I carry the entire mental load. All the appointments, all orders for the house, maintenance, pets, his own as well as DCs and mine health/social engagements - pretty much anything that comes to mind, it's down to me...

I WFH and have a very intense job which means that a week can pass and I won't step a foot outside of the house. He works in an office and gets up, showers, puts his suit/tie on and off he goes with a book to read during the commute. In the meanwhile, I wake up before him - feed the pets, start cooking (so that DC would have a healthy, cooked from scratch meal for dinner), check in on both sets of parents, get DC ready for nursery (he does drop offs and pick ups)... once they're out of the door, I clean, tidy and then start working. If work allows, I spend lunch break dealing with said appointments, orders...

And then we come to today. Last three weeks have been very difficult for me. I had a business trip which was cut short when a close family member of mine died. I flew to my home country to organise funeral, be support to my mother (ill and on her own) etc. Came back Sunday evening to a house that was a complete pit. It turns out he forgot the vet appointment for neutering our kitten, which started spraying... on top of that he decided to fire our cleaner as he 'realized he could save so much if he just did it himself' - but of course he didn't. His clothes and dirty socks were all over our en suite and dressing room.

I didn't even get a chance to recover/address this when I got plunged into a work-related crisis that got me working late 2 days in a row. He offered a 'poor you' speech but made sure to mention DC said how 'Mummy always works'. This morning he forgot to take something that had to be posted and I had to walk 25mins (one way) to do it myself. On top of that - even though I asked him 3x -he forgot to take my raincoat from the car and drove off with it and it was pouring outside. Finally - I discovered that he still didn't repair (or order parts) for a tool he was promising to fix since we moved here.

So, wise Mumsnetters - AIBU to lose it at him or not? What do I do? How do I make him see this kind of life will send me to a hospital or worse?

I have a similar set up to you op. I earn more, and I work in a highly stressed job as well as carrying the mental load for the family. The big difference is he does everything else. Wakes before me, sorts the dc, does the cooking and cleaning etc.

Maybe try reading the book fair play together and doing the exercise. But ultimately you have to let him be an adult and stop being codependent. Let him sort him parents. If DC is late because of him then let it happen AND ask him wtf the plan is.

For god's sake, you must be an intelligent woman, why on earth did you put up with this?

He fired your cleaner?

This! He is treating you terribly, repeatedly, in a million different ways. Undermine the shit out of him. I can’t believe the sex is good and you have a laugh together because I would be filled with seething hatred 100% of the time with a partner like this, fanny firmly clamped shut.

Make a list of the mental load issues
Sit down and ask him which 50% he wants to take off you
If he won't, start making plans to leave

This would be more than enough for me.

I haven't heard of the book - will look it up, thank you!

I wonder how he would feel if his office fired their cleaners to save money and made the employees hoover and clean their desks.

He doesn’t clean his workplace, or his home. Why should you do both? Hire the cleaner back immediately.

Yes to Fair Play! Look up thatdarnchat on TikTok or Instagram. She uses the Fair Play method. She explains things so calmly and logically.

Sweet Jesus it would be Divorce from me if my husband fired the cleaner, she is my saving grace. I think you should have it out with him, explain what you have said here. If you want to save this, then couple's counselling is a must . Once you have had it out with him, would be getting out of there fro a week with your child. Then when back if he doesn't do this then out completely you cant go on like this

Most of the time, I have things under control and I can pretend, I guess, everything is normal and as it should be. But once I drop the ball (like I did by going away for longer than expected and being emotionally/physically exhausted after the funeral) - everything goes to hell. If I remembered to remind him of the vet appointment, the kitten would have been neutered and I'd deal with the smell once not every day repeatedly while waiting for the next available appointment which is only next week. If I wasn't so exhausted after the travelling and if I didn't get into a work crisis immediately upon return, i would have gotten on top of the house chores and then figure out maintenance... but now everything is falling apart, the house smells, I took a day off to clean and instead I am sitting at my desk, writing this and crying in desperation as I can't muster a will to live, much less to clean.

How do you manage to have sex with this man child?! I would find it so unattractive

I didn't want to undermine him

I don’t think it’s possible to undermine someone who is not trying to help you. What exactly would you be ‘undermining’?

Would it make any difference if he went PT so he had time to do things? I suspect not but worth raising.

He is normally very charming, I find him physically attractive and we share a lot of same interests and one hell of a history together.

Read this one until it sinks in.

How much easier would your life be without him, especially if you were near your support network? He's done a number on you big time!

Unfortunately, that is not even an option where he works, and I don't believe he'd consider it even if it was as he associates a lot of his self-worth with his job.

I guess I didn't want to sound like I don't trust him to make decisions?

But you can’t trust him? So why are you trying to protect him?

You have to be able to drop the ball, though. You’ll burn out. And the admin only increases when DC hits primary school (the apps! The emails! The clubs! The wraparound care! The inset days and school holidays and mufti days and word book days and sports days and and and.)

I would also recommend Fair Play BUT it takes both partners to buy into it. I think for you it might just prove a useful tool to show how much you’re doing, how little you’re doing, and how that won’t end happily. It’s not a magic bullet if he won’t actually play fair.

He knows if he does nothing you will swoop in and save him. Stop making a rod for your own back. Let him fail and do not help him.

Don't clean today. Have a day to yourself. Sod the mess and smell. Get a cleaner booked in for asap and give him hell for not stepping up.

Allocate him days for cooking and getting DC ready for nursery.

Down tools! He's taking the piss

I was like that since I was a child - I always try to protect. Kind people would say I have a saviour complex, less kind would point out I have a problem with losing control.

But it was a shit decision. Really shit.

Have a row about it, or just re-employ someone and when he complains tell him you prefer to pay for the services of someone who cleans properly and on a predictable schedule. And that as you WFH and earn the majority of the income it’s your decision.

I would book some joint therapy, tell him you are very disappointed in him and feel totally disrespected and a mug and you are close to ending the marriage. That he manages his job perfectly fine so he is more than capable of pulling his weight as a parent and partner.

Buy him "wife work" and "fair play" tell him to read them before the first appointment and write a list of what he is going to take full responsibility for.

Personally I would tell him ALL the laundry and and food planning/shopping/cooking plus his car stuff is now his.

I get all this. I was the same - I WFH and my now ex husband worked in an office so he just didn't care that the house was a mess. He didn't even see the mess, as far as I could tell.

Ironically, now we've separated and live in different houses, his is immaculate! He can suddenly see the mess when he is responsible for sorting it!