I am losing it with DH!

[LosingIt23]

Sorry, this will be long... I apologise in advance.

DH and I have been married for 11y. We have one DC (3yo). We both work FT and we have separate finances - I pay mortgage, childcare, house/garden maintenance and food/shopping. He pays for the car (I don't drive), utilities and a cleaner 1x week (5h). In case it is relevant, I make 4x his salary so I naturally cover 4x more in terms of costs.

I am a high earner and we can comfortably live without his income but I respect that he wants a career and have, 2 years ago, accepted to move away from my parents/friendship circle to live close to his parents as he had a career opportunity there. I have, in the past, offered him an option to be SAHP but he refused and I can fully understand that - SAHP wouldn't suit me either. DC adores him and he adores DC. The two of us can still laugh together, sex is good and I am not interested in other men.

However, and this is a big HOWEVER - I carry the entire mental load. All the appointments, all orders for the house, maintenance, pets, his own as well as DCs and mine health/social engagements - pretty much anything that comes to mind, it's down to me...

I WFH and have a very intense job which means that a week can pass and I won't step a foot outside of the house. He works in an office and gets up, showers, puts his suit/tie on and off he goes with a book to read during the commute. In the meanwhile, I wake up before him - feed the pets, start cooking (so that DC would have a healthy, cooked from scratch meal for dinner), check in on both sets of parents, get DC ready for nursery (he does drop offs and pick ups)... once they're out of the door, I clean, tidy and then start working. If work allows, I spend lunch break dealing with said appointments, orders...

And then we come to today. Last three weeks have been very difficult for me. I had a business trip which was cut short when a close family member of mine died. I flew to my home country to organise funeral, be support to my mother (ill and on her own) etc. Came back Sunday evening to a house that was a complete pit. It turns out he forgot the vet appointment for neutering our kitten, which started spraying... on top of that he decided to fire our cleaner as he 'realized he could save so much if he just did it himself' - but of course he didn't. His clothes and dirty socks were all over our en suite and dressing room.

I didn't even get a chance to recover/address this when I got plunged into a work-related crisis that got me working late 2 days in a row. He offered a 'poor you' speech but made sure to mention DC said how 'Mummy always works'. This morning he forgot to take something that had to be posted and I had to walk 25mins (one way) to do it myself. On top of that - even though I asked him 3x -he forgot to take my raincoat from the car and drove off with it and it was pouring outside. Finally - I discovered that he still didn't repair (or order parts) for a tool he was promising to fix since we moved here.

So, wise Mumsnetters - AIBU to lose it at him or not? What do I do? How do I make him see this kind of life will send me to a hospital or worse?

This is exactly it - I WFH therefore I 'must have more time to handle all these things' when he has to commute etc. I honestly think that the commute would be a relaxing gift to me at this point.

YANBU

@LosingIt23 oh I’d have lost the plot of mine was like this.

He can apologise/grovel to the cleaner and ask them to come back.

he can attend couples therapy with you to learn how to be an equal partner - not just one along for the ride and carried along by you.

stop doing all his life admin. Anything related to his family, his car etc. leave it to him. It will all go wrong but that’s on him. He’s an adult and you aren’t his mother. He will
just have to find ways to manage like all the other adults.

Car stops working etc as he didn’t get the service/mot etc. Can’t take child to school - that’s on him to take time off and sort out.

He needs to learn cause and effect/consequences for being so f’ing useless.

He can check in with his parents. He can do stuff and I bet if you separated he’d manage better (probably wouldn’t have a clean house but… ).

have you told him how unattractive this trait is in a supposedly equal life partner?

he needs a naughty/time out corner where he can’t do anything this evening etc until he orders the parts… no fun things or time for him until he does his chores.

Christ can you imagine once you are at empty nest or retirement stage how resentful you would be of him coasting along through life carried by your hard work and finances..

You should have gone off at him when you got home and made him go clean up the ensuite etc. He needs to rehire the cleaner immediately.

Why doesn’t he get DC up and ready in the morning?

Would you be better off hiring an office to work instead of WFH? It might help to shift DH’s perspective of you having the “easy” job and give you a break from needing to have the house clean and tidy all the time.

If he doesn't hold the purse strings and doesn't carry the mental load, then he doesn't get to make the life admin decisions.

I think you should phone the cleaner and book them to come twice a week, without even checking whether he's on board with it or not.

It'll mean a better environment for you and hopefully a wake -up call for him

Wrote a long message and MN ate it, basically you have 3 choices:

Lose your shit, and then you’re “crazy” and “angry”.

Attempt to change him, again and again, and then you’re “a nag”.

Unburden yourself of him. You’ll still have a load on your plate but you won’t have his load,’or the constant resentment that he is not pulling his weight. He won’t drive off with your raincoat or fire your cleaner or undermine you with shit like “Mummy always works” and you won’t have to organise his life for him or watch him wander off to work with a book while leaving you with all of the everything.

Reinstate the cleaner and tell him never to fire anyone again without you making the final call on it.

Write down everything you do and show him in black and white what you're dealing with day to day.

If you don't want to split, and I wouldn't either for the same reasons you give, then just make unanimous decisions for what suits you.

My DH is sort of similar in that if he thinks I'll do something he will just wait for me to do it. Restaurant bookings, soft play, play dates etc.

Now when I says we haven't done xyz in a while. I say yeah that's right. You should book it. And leave it like that.

I do what suits me and leave him to get him with his own nonsense. I'm much happier for it

I didn't want to undermine him

Undermine the crap out of him. He deserves it, big horrible selfish manbaby.

I know you're right and that that's my weakness and I always use DC as an excuse... as in - those are not HIS parents, but DCs grandparents, if DC doesn't get to school its bad for them, not DH etc. I know I need to drop everything that's supposed to be his and I know that the only thing stopping me is actually my own inability to let go.

Tell him exactly what you've said here. The house is a shit tip and you won't spend any longer living like this.

The cleaner is making a comeback and he's not keeping on top of things.

Also, I've been a cleaner, a quick tidy round is one thing, fully cleaning your house before the cleaner comes is massively unnecessary

It is highly unlikely he will change, so hire a personal assistant to do the mental load. Make it very clear to dh that the assistant works for you, not him. And re-hire your cleaner.

Because he needs to get ready for the office. Shower, dress, hair, shave... I WFH so I don't need that time to get ready I guess.

You need to tell him this. It’s not fair on you. Put your foot down. Sorry he’s like this

It really may have to come down to me hiring an assistant and reinstating the cleaner regardless of what he says - undermining him or not. I'll try to have a conversation one more time, I like the idea of writing things down - I may ask him to write his stuff down too and then put them next to each other, maybe that wakes him up?

I struggle with this too. Our circumstances are very similar to yours. My big issue is that I am so tired and worn down after 2 years of a child who doesn’t sleep and doing everything that I can’t face the arguments to try and resolve it. And so I opt for the quiet life and I just keep doing everything. The only saving grace is we only have one child and I refuse to have more. I don’t know the answer but sending solidarity.

Can you take the DC and go to a hotel for a few days? ?Tell him you're going, why and that you'll be back once the house is properly tidy/clean. If you're able to get DC to nursery and work from a hotel room, then do that. Or leave on a Friday evening.

If a really big shock/wake up doesn't work, then you need to think about how you can continue in this life. Your DC will get older and want to do after school things, go to friends at weekends etc. If he won't take on that mental load, can you live like that?

You're partly enabling him to be like this by always picking up the pieces.

Start off with the things that don't make a difference to you - if he's no clean underwear/shirts etc, that doesn't affect you, but it will affect him.

My honest opinion is that nothing will change.
If sitting down talking to him about what you need from a partner isn't working, then he just doesn't have the respect or love for you that he should.

Re hire the cleaner. If needs be have them come over 2 days when he's out at work and won't even know - I doubt he'll notice they've been anyway but you'll have your clean home.

I am actually considering this. I even looked for tickets back to my home country for a week - I could use some sunshine and time with my own parents.

We too only have one DC and will not have more (though we didn't really have a choice). In hindsight - I don't think I would be able to cope if we had more.

I genuinely don't understand why you sound so nervous about undermining him? He's raining shit down on your head from all angles and you're worried about his sensibilities?

Ok then he’s being entirely unreasonable.

No, he needs to get up earlier, get himself ready then get DC up and ready.

When do you shower, dress and brush your hair? Never? No Zoom meetings that you need to look presentable for? Do you WFH all day in pjs?

Go home for a week.
Tell him that the house had better be spotless when you get back - don't care how it is done, he does it, hires help etc.
Can you look for an office space away from the house so that you aren't always 'available' at home?

I am just trying to do the right thing and I genuinely believed that not undermining him and giving him the benefit of the doubt was the right way to go. But not so sure anymore.

I shower in the evening, I rarely have time for make up, hair looks decent enough pulled back in a ponytail and I just throw on the work clothes once everyone is out of the door and I have finished cooking/cleaning and its time to start the work.