I am losing it with DH!

[LosingIt23]

Sorry, this will be long... I apologise in advance.

DH and I have been married for 11y. We have one DC (3yo). We both work FT and we have separate finances - I pay mortgage, childcare, house/garden maintenance and food/shopping. He pays for the car (I don't drive), utilities and a cleaner 1x week (5h). In case it is relevant, I make 4x his salary so I naturally cover 4x more in terms of costs.

I am a high earner and we can comfortably live without his income but I respect that he wants a career and have, 2 years ago, accepted to move away from my parents/friendship circle to live close to his parents as he had a career opportunity there. I have, in the past, offered him an option to be SAHP but he refused and I can fully understand that - SAHP wouldn't suit me either. DC adores him and he adores DC. The two of us can still laugh together, sex is good and I am not interested in other men.

However, and this is a big HOWEVER - I carry the entire mental load. All the appointments, all orders for the house, maintenance, pets, his own as well as DCs and mine health/social engagements - pretty much anything that comes to mind, it's down to me...

I WFH and have a very intense job which means that a week can pass and I won't step a foot outside of the house. He works in an office and gets up, showers, puts his suit/tie on and off he goes with a book to read during the commute. In the meanwhile, I wake up before him - feed the pets, start cooking (so that DC would have a healthy, cooked from scratch meal for dinner), check in on both sets of parents, get DC ready for nursery (he does drop offs and pick ups)... once they're out of the door, I clean, tidy and then start working. If work allows, I spend lunch break dealing with said appointments, orders...

And then we come to today. Last three weeks have been very difficult for me. I had a business trip which was cut short when a close family member of mine died. I flew to my home country to organise funeral, be support to my mother (ill and on her own) etc. Came back Sunday evening to a house that was a complete pit. It turns out he forgot the vet appointment for neutering our kitten, which started spraying... on top of that he decided to fire our cleaner as he 'realized he could save so much if he just did it himself' - but of course he didn't. His clothes and dirty socks were all over our en suite and dressing room.

I didn't even get a chance to recover/address this when I got plunged into a work-related crisis that got me working late 2 days in a row. He offered a 'poor you' speech but made sure to mention DC said how 'Mummy always works'. This morning he forgot to take something that had to be posted and I had to walk 25mins (one way) to do it myself. On top of that - even though I asked him 3x -he forgot to take my raincoat from the car and drove off with it and it was pouring outside. Finally - I discovered that he still didn't repair (or order parts) for a tool he was promising to fix since we moved here.

So, wise Mumsnetters - AIBU to lose it at him or not? What do I do? How do I make him see this kind of life will send me to a hospital or worse?

I think your idea about taking DC back to your home country for a break is a good one. I hear that you don't want to leave him so this might sound a bit manipulative but I would tell him when you go that you are taking a break from the marriage/taking stock. And make it clear why- ie he is really treating you like shit. Hopefully that would shock him into changing his ways. Your life sounds so stressful and tiring, I would be so full of resentment in your position. Find your anger!

I am terrified of it, to be honest. DC already has a busy social schedule for a 3yo (only child so I try to compensate with playgroups and playdates and outings of all sorts) - no idea how it will all look like once its real school stuff.

Fair Play ordered, many thanks everyone who recommended it.

Op, my heart goes out to you. I feel your desperation and that utter fatigue.

Do not suggest again that he be a SAHP because if he accepts this time, he will still be lazy, and he will be "Primary carer" in the event of divorce.

Have you seen Couples Therapy on iplayer? There is a couple in season 2 where the woman absolutely screams at the man. I was expecting judgement from the therapist about the aggression of her manner but actually even when the couple are not there, she says "I don't think he realises how much he exploits her". When the couple are there, she (therapist) says "I get it". Asks her to stop screaming at him, only so she can work with them, no judgement.

And I love it because I have had so much shame about rage, and how I have expressed it, with being absolutely exploited by lazy men.

I have no practical solutions. If you had a very clever therapist you might get him to see things more your way. I suspect a bog standard therapist would be likely to just take the lazy "6 of one half a dozen of the other" view and assume you have to give on standards etc. I totally get why you can't.

Do you think he has any idea how you feel? that you have considered leaving?

You need to dump the cocklodger, and get a nanny.
I lived with someone like this for 20 years.
Stop wasting your life on utter losers.
You are an intelligent woman you know this is very wrong.

In all honesty - I am struggling to find the anger. I am full of tears... I am still trying to process losing a very close person, and I am under a lot of pressure at work so taking a PTO day in the middle of it - was a really big decision for me. I just feel I didn't even have a chance to catch my breath and properly grieve because even while I was there - it was all running around sorting paperwork, organizing funeral, ordering food, booking room for reception, flowers while taking care of my parents. Two flights later I was on my knees scrubbing toilets and cat piss in the hallway. The next morning all hell broke loose at work.

Me and my dh are in a similar position financially in that I earn many times multiple, we both work full time and we have two DCs. DH doesn't really do much of the mental load but he will do things that we sat down and agreed will be his responsibility (eg he does all the cooking and is responsible for organising food shopping).

If he fails to do it then the kids moan at him not me. I am not a foodie so am happy with toast.

The big difference is that we have a nanny/housekeeper. She is amazing and deals with a lot of the mental load associated with the kids as well as all the physical driving them everywhere. She has direct interaction with our cleaners when they come, and with other parents and clubs for organising play dates and activities etc.

I pretty much pay for everything but our decisions are joint.

I’m so cross for you. Your DH should be scrubbing the cat piss, and taking a day off work, not you.

I am really sorry but fundamentally this is not going to happen.
you can’t make him care.
even if you did leave him, he would probably live in what you would think is disgusting squalor, and he would think is fine.
im sorry - I commiserate as am in similar situation. Only I’m the lesser earner.

if you can afford it-get a housekeeper.
and make him reinstate the cleaner, asap!

Go back home for a week. You need it. You are pretty much on the precipice of burn out - I've been there. If you carry on like you are you'll be no use to anyone.

Whilst away have a good hard think about what YOU want/need in order to remain in the marriage. Be honest with him and give him a chance to redeem himself but one strike and he's out.

I had a very similar set up although I was the one with the commute and very long hours. DH was great with childcare for one DC (teacher so easy for him to take/bring home; holiday cover). We had a cleaner and other help.
Now he no longer works he does all the cooking and cleaning (not as well as I'd like but it's ok), animal care, laundry etc. I do the finances, food ordering, life admin and it's great. It's a partnership.

Put it into a work context. If you were job sharing with someone would you accept this division of tasks? If you were managing someone and doing most of their job would you accept it? Of course not; so don't accept it in your private life.

Oh god OP I really am sorry, you're in the midst of a loss. It makes me angrier at him though even if you're not. You poor thing.

I think I may need to step away and take DC back home for a week and get some distance. I also will have to look into hiring more help and will ask him to read Fair Play while I'm gone. I can't see us coming out of this otherwise.

Completely agree

Please don’t clean up any more cat pee. Leave it for DH to do. He forgot the vet appointment so the spraying is his problem to deal with: actions, consequences. Can you contain the kitten to one room until he’s neutered, preferably a tiled room like a bathroom or laundry?

No more cleaning toilets either until the cleaner is back.

If you were managing someone and doing most of their job would you accept it?

With regard to the mental load, I told my DH this - if you want me to be the manager and do the thinking and planning I will. But then I won’t be doing as much doing - I’ll be delegating a lot of that, mostly to you…

Thank you. I appreciate it more than you can imagine.

I am so sorry. I am so sorry for your loss.
please if you can take some time out for yourself and take stock.

And maybe yes get angry that instead of supporting you in your bereavement he loads more onto your plate.

having said which, your description of ‘having to’ do it all, organise it all, rings a bell for me - in that I find it hard to cede control and let things go.
I think therapy might help - possibly alone, or couples.
all the best

Technically I can, but I don't think its fair to the kitten as it wouldn't be only one day - the new appointment was available only end of next week.

How did l guess reading a calendar would be too much?! I tried a similar tact with my husband. I got sick of inputting stuff for him to ignore, it turned into yet another job that l did

My husband is on his last chance. I’m going back to work soon after having twins and l refuse to work virtually full time whilst organising 4 people.

Big hugs, OP.

You sound amazing, and your partner sounds like a living nightmare. I would be absolutely losing my shit at him.

Are you sure he’s not passive-aggressively undermining you? Forgetting to give you a coat in the rain, cancelling the cleaner. If he loves you, he should care for you, in actions as well as words.

I’d call in sick for a week, and take you and your DC home.

I think too you need to have a big hard think about what dynamics you are modelling for your DC.

💐

It's not undermining him. It's getting shit done. He is not doing that, so if money doesn't matter with regards to who pays really, ignore him and get the cleaner re hired and whatever help you need.

Thank you. My parents are elderly, divorced and ailing. Living all alone in another country. I owe them both so much and I love them so much that the only natural thing for me was to take over all the arrangements and spare them everything I can. But yes - I do tend to grasp responsibility and control in all circumstances and I do believe therapy is way overdue as I can't seem to let go.

A man who can hold down a full time job, but can't cope with two calendars

Yea right

Fucking hell he has your number and is treating you like a right mug...

OP, I am so angry that you felt you needed to take a day's leave to clean, so stop it immediately. This is on him and not on you. This evening, I would like you to be standing at the door with a hoover, a bucket of soapy water and a pair of rubber gloves. Explain to him that nothing will happen until the house is spotless... this means cooking, washing, ironing, play dates, vet visits and sex because you are now on strike and will be going away.

He has a week to sort this shit fest out, find a decent regular cleaner and get his own internal house in order, because if not, then the cleaner will not be the only one looking for another place to clean. Then walk away and take a long soaky bath and finish your packing.

No one should put up with this, least of all you.

For some reason he seems easily overwhelmed and distracted. I always thought I was a freak for being able to take on so much more and that he was the normal one. It may have come to the 'last chance' conversation.

Another suggestion. Rent office space out the home.

Leave before him. Come home after him.