I am losing it with DH!

[LosingIt23]

Sorry, this will be long... I apologise in advance.

DH and I have been married for 11y. We have one DC (3yo). We both work FT and we have separate finances - I pay mortgage, childcare, house/garden maintenance and food/shopping. He pays for the car (I don't drive), utilities and a cleaner 1x week (5h). In case it is relevant, I make 4x his salary so I naturally cover 4x more in terms of costs.

I am a high earner and we can comfortably live without his income but I respect that he wants a career and have, 2 years ago, accepted to move away from my parents/friendship circle to live close to his parents as he had a career opportunity there. I have, in the past, offered him an option to be SAHP but he refused and I can fully understand that - SAHP wouldn't suit me either. DC adores him and he adores DC. The two of us can still laugh together, sex is good and I am not interested in other men.

However, and this is a big HOWEVER - I carry the entire mental load. All the appointments, all orders for the house, maintenance, pets, his own as well as DCs and mine health/social engagements - pretty much anything that comes to mind, it's down to me...

I WFH and have a very intense job which means that a week can pass and I won't step a foot outside of the house. He works in an office and gets up, showers, puts his suit/tie on and off he goes with a book to read during the commute. In the meanwhile, I wake up before him - feed the pets, start cooking (so that DC would have a healthy, cooked from scratch meal for dinner), check in on both sets of parents, get DC ready for nursery (he does drop offs and pick ups)... once they're out of the door, I clean, tidy and then start working. If work allows, I spend lunch break dealing with said appointments, orders...

And then we come to today. Last three weeks have been very difficult for me. I had a business trip which was cut short when a close family member of mine died. I flew to my home country to organise funeral, be support to my mother (ill and on her own) etc. Came back Sunday evening to a house that was a complete pit. It turns out he forgot the vet appointment for neutering our kitten, which started spraying... on top of that he decided to fire our cleaner as he 'realized he could save so much if he just did it himself' - but of course he didn't. His clothes and dirty socks were all over our en suite and dressing room.

I didn't even get a chance to recover/address this when I got plunged into a work-related crisis that got me working late 2 days in a row. He offered a 'poor you' speech but made sure to mention DC said how 'Mummy always works'. This morning he forgot to take something that had to be posted and I had to walk 25mins (one way) to do it myself. On top of that - even though I asked him 3x -he forgot to take my raincoat from the car and drove off with it and it was pouring outside. Finally - I discovered that he still didn't repair (or order parts) for a tool he was promising to fix since we moved here.

So, wise Mumsnetters - AIBU to lose it at him or not? What do I do? How do I make him see this kind of life will send me to a hospital or worse?

Lots of good points here to consider!

ADHD - honestly I don't know. He was always able to focus on things of interest (which were mostly job/career focused) and he was an excellent, hardworking student and held jobs without major issues (some hiccups with jobs he really wasn't into but any job that mattered to him - he excelled in). He seems to struggle with everything else. Or everything else matters less to him?

WFH abroad - I can, no questions asked. And if I want to open the can of worms - I never really wanted to move as I was happier where we were before.

We went together through a bitter infertility battle and DC is a miracle baby - when we already gave up all hope. I guess my struggle here is to deny either one of us the time with DC and to deny DC full access to both parents after promising to every deity imaginable I'd be the best parent if I could only be allowed to have a child. Adoption etc. was not an option for us in either country due to different passports. Long way of saying - I can't imagine him not wanting to see DC every single day much like I can't imagine wanting to do the same.

I want a partner. I want to share responsibility.

@LosingIt23 .

I totally get this. When things are going well you can cope with all the mental load even if you'd rather not - but when you are stressed/things are going badly and it all feels too much you want your partner to take on more of the mental load - and they don't

I don't have an answer, I'm sorry. I've been married to my DH for 30 years this year to someone very similar. But when we met in our very late 30's, my children from a previous marriage were 14 and 17 -and 15 and 18 when we got married. I earned more than him too - was 2 grades above him at work when we married and 3 grades above him after a couple of years. He was single until we met.

He has lots of good qualities, which I both appreciate and need, but don't ask him to plan things or think about the day to day things which need to be done. That's all on me. For me, I came to realise that he just isn't able to think about these things. Left to his own devices, they just wouldn't happen. He's not lazy in that sense, just doesn't think about it, because it doesn't really bother him.

I did get cross in the early days, but I did gradually get him to do more (practical) things such as sharing the cleaning ( we do that 50/50). But even although he agreed, I had to actually say, right let's get this cleaning done now ( or whatever it was) and do my share while he was doing his. Eventually I didn't need to do that, because he knew it was 'Monday' or whatever day it was! He does all the ironing, lots of other practical stuff which he is aware of - but lots don't occur to him unless I spell it out and like you, I may need to remind him

I don't know what your answer is, but you won't change who your DH actually is. I eventually decided that his plus points outweighed the Cons. His laid-backness is great in many, many, situations for me, and I do like to get my own way about things, if I'm honest and he is nearly always happy to go along with it - it's just upsetting when I am under a lot of stress.

I know this isn’t the answer for everyone or everything but we have a magnetic whiteboard on the fridge and I write jobs on it that need doing by him. (Together with a deadline if necessary). Should I have to do it? No of course not. Does it help? Yes! At least some jobs get done!

OP I feel like I was you yesterday. DH and I both work FT but he works from home and I am generally office based. However, I still do everything around the house. I think DH thought he did his fair share (he doesn't) and yesterday I lost it. I was travelling to work but taking DC2 with me to drop her off and facilitate one of her activities so was time dependent. As he'd used the car last I asked him if he'd put fuel in as I knew it would have needed after his journey the night before and he'd had plenty of time to do it. He hadn't which meant I had to really rush and was stressed about time. It was just a smack in the face around how his constant inability to think/plan/act has such a negative impact on me . I couldn't actually talk to him as I was so upset so I wrote an email.

I explained that his inaction demonstrated a lack of respect and regard towards me and how actually I was at breaking point. I detailed all the jobs I do and then listed his. It felt petty but I think because he thinks he unloads the dishwasher the most then he is contributing. Actually writing it in black and white was quite enlightening. He's not aware of half of it because I just get on a do it without making a fuss. I don't even mind it but I do mind being taken for granted. We had a talk last night when I'd had time to calm down emotionally. I think writing it down help me process things but he also didn't feel attacked which is what would have happened if we'd talked about it.

Why did you clean the bathroom? Re-employ your cleaner!!!

He had her cleaning up cat piss after she flew home from a family bereavement, where the fuck is your bar for good relationships, Hades?

Not trying to derail your thread OP, but on the topic of the PA, if you decide to go that way. In our family (mother, father, adult child all busy and working, but child in another city), we have a half time PA who works for us all. She is based in Malaysia, was educated in the UK and US to post grad level, and is a busy working mother herself. She takes all our dull chores such as insurance renewals, holiday planning and booking, meeting scheduling, etc etc etc, and turns it round quickly and accurately. Can't remember which agency we used, but a quick Google will unearth loads. We had a short list of five, did second and third interviews with two, and our current employee was an obvious good fit for us. Was all very easy. Hope this helps you, you sound at the end of your rope.

I genuinely don't think he's doing it consciously to undermine me. Just this morning he had to throw away the milk because it went off. Why this matters? Because I am lactose-intolerant and don't use milk at all, and he's a heavy tea-drinker so he is the only person buying it. So, even when it is his own interest he'll forget stuff, won't think to check, etc.

If it makes sense- I don't think it is personal, aimed at me - I think that is who he is... I just am not sure how I can continue like this if he doesn't accept that he need to make an effort and adjust who he is a bit to who I am.

I think this more than just male uselessness, irritating and unacceptable as that alone would be. I think this is passive aggression. Otherwise, why wouldn't he just let the cleaner get on with doing the work you haven't got time for and he can't be arsed with? (I appreciate the cleaner not coming precipitated firing her, but the path of least resistance would have been to not fire her.)

For this reason, I think feeling that if all else fails you can hire a housekeeper or personal assistant is unlikely to be successful, as he'll always find a way to trash the equilibrium.

I think at some level he resents your success, and resents the fact that his easy life is only possible because you make it possible for him. If you think you can get to the bottom of all that by talking or doing couples therapy or whatever, then it might be worth a try if you're determined to save your marriage, but my experience of passive aggression is that it's very difficult to dismantle.

Sorry to be gloom and doom, but I was in a similar relationship and posted a similar thread about 5 years ago, but despite valiant efforts (guess what: mostly by me) it was a totally unsalvageable situation and I finally left nearly a year ago. In the time since, my blood pressure has gone down about 30 points (literally) and I've stopped anaesthetising the anger, stress and disappointment with alcohol and stupid food choices. If I'd stayed I was heading for the funny farm and tbh you sound like you might be heading the same way.

I'm sorry for your loss btw. I can hardly bear the thought of you coming home after all that to the house being a complete shit tip and nothing done. So unkind. x

OP, on ADHD, I get very frustrated by those sort of questions. It's relevant ONLY if your DH accepts that he has a problem, is poor at organising and therefore an ADHD diagnosis, with the practical and medical support necessary, would be helpful. Otherwise, it's irrelevant and not an excuse. So sure, if you think he might have it, bring it up and seek adult diagnosis, but not if there's any chance he's just going to use it as an excuse.

I think that what @Motivationtoaddress did with the letter isn't a bad idea. I had to do something similar at one point, and it really did help a lot as it gave DH a chance to read what I was saying without th immediate defensiveness.

Again however, my DH was willing to accept he was part of the problem.

This is a good shout - will definitely search. To hell with him, I could use some help and support, even if I have to pay for it.

@LosingIt23 - please don’t feel the house needs to be sorted out before you hire the cleaner back - I’d recommend you get cleaners in to do a big clean straight away, so you can be comfortable in your own home, and then get them coming in regularly.

You could combine that with a week away for you and your dc - so it all happens while you are away, and you come home to a clean, tidy house with regular cleaners booked in.

I also think you need a ‘come-to-Jesus’ talk with your dh - tell him how badly all this has upset you, how you feel taken for granted, and like you have two children, not one - and that you honestly can’t see what benefit he brings to your life. Ask him if he will change, to save the marriage, because the other option is divorce. And I DO think he can change. He could learn new habits and skills - he just needs to want to.

Yeah, someone up thread asked if it could be a possibility - in all honestly, until that moment, I never even considered it.

DH will accept that it is him. He'll get upset with himself, he'll apologize, he'll promise moon and the stars, he'll say all the right things and it will be better for a few days - 1 week max, but then it will slowly slip back where it was. It is like it is stronger than him. Or his will to change.

I haven't read all the responses. I don't think this is a LTB situation. I don't think who earns what is relevant. He might feel you are the lucky one as you able to WFH ('off he goes with a book' is not how everyone sees the daily grind of the commute and most people with families prefer to wfh given the option). yes, he has been a twat and needs to step up and do more in the house. But can you hammer out an agreement about this? I think don't dwell on how much more you are contributing as the high earner or on how you have graciously 'let' him not be a SAHP. I say this as the high earner in my own relationship. It is a toxic way of thinking and won't help you.

I know you're right and that that's my weakness and I always use DC as an excuse... as in - those are not HIS parents, but DCs grandparents, if DC doesn't get to school its bad for them, not DH etc. I know I need to drop everything that's supposed to be his and I know that the only thing stopping me is actually my own inability to let go

No you are wrong @LosingIt23 . It’s not that if you were more laid back / more chilled / less uptight / less controlling / let go , everything would be ok.

It would be a shambles, you know that and I know that. That’s why you’ve not done it yet, because you need things to function so you can do your job and you want life to work for your child.

And you will feel very guilty when it all goes pear shaped. because you believe that it’s your role to fit everything around your family, to make sure they don’t suffer because of your job.

If it was as easy as just you stopping and he would pick up the slack, you’ve have done it already . You are a smart woman .

You KNOW it will be chaos AND there will be huge arguments AND he will be as sulky, difficult and as obstructive as he can possibly be. Because he doesn’t want to change.

He likes things the way they are.

Its not that he doesn’t know how stressed you are doing everything . He does know - he just doesn’t care.

Mr Laid back / Cool / charming / good in bed / Fun Daddy only gets to be like that on the back of your hard labour. It’s your time and your sweat and tears that allow him to be the way he is and have all the boring grunt work done by you. All the invisible wife work and domestic admin and parenting admin and pet admin.

I bet you used to think that you were lucky to have him, thats he a great catch. Charming, good looking, sexy. I bet he thinks that too.

But in fact he’s exploiting your love for him and your son and your deeply felt need to be a good wife and mother. He is using your very best qualities against you.

He is lazy, selfish and cruel. He is wearing you into the ground with exhaustion and destroying your love for him.

It sounds like he needs to step up more, but why are you doing things like checking in with both sets of parents every day? Every day? Why? You are justifying it to yourself as "it's my child's grandparents" but in reality, it's not your job. Or his.

Yeah, the problem is that the will to change isn't strong enough and he doesn't feel the need to put things in place to make the change.

So, at a practical level, in my case, I've just handed over specific things to DH to handle. Dentists. Any and all workmen/tradesmen. He's supposed to do the bedding and bathrooms between the cleaner visits and I feel no guilt reminding him - I find it irritating that I have to, and he finds it irritating that I do BUT he also completely accepts that if he just did it, I wouldn't have to remind him. I no longer try to "fix" it when he messes up planning and logistics because the "fix" always requires ME to inconvenience myself. As a result, slowly but surely he's learnt how not to get himself into these messes in the first place and where he does, it's his problem.

[to be clear, he does other things too but these are things that we didn't argue about so I'm not including here!]

It sounds very hard particularly as you are grieving.

I feel very sorry for your child in such a toxic dynamic.

Dad, lazy, selfish, and suits himself.

Mum, distressed, over worked, carrying everything on her shoulders and weighed down with it all.

You are going to be so resentful when the penny drops that this precious once off experience of your child being young was utterly spoiled by that utter waster you married.

I promise you that the sadness, regret, and fury you will feel will be overwhelming.

Pack your bags, go home to your parents, work for there, try and enjoy your child and get your head together.

Whether he has ADHD or not, the question is whether you can keep on living like this. What does he bring to the relationship? If he doesn't see a problem with his behaviour, he won't even try to change.

He can still be a decent dad if you are no longer together, and (in the nicest possible way) you might be less stressed and able to enjoy time with your child more.

Don’t think that’s a positive.

It’s possible he buys too much milk because the knows the Bank of Losingit is paying for your lives and groceries.

Let me guess, he keeps the bulk of his earnings for himself?

His life is a piece of piss with you, isn’t it? What a lazy, thoughtless man child.

Please don't make the mistake of forgiving his shortcomings and passing them off as 'it's just him'. My ex MIL tried this about her son and I repeatedly reminded her that he managed perfectly well at work to make sure he did what was needed to fulfil his role and not get sacked. If your DH is productive at work and doesn't cut corners/forget all sorts/miss deadlines etc, then it's not "just him".

Not an excuse but it sounds like he could have ADHD. Or he could be a useless arse but he sounds ok otherwise…

My DH was similar, worst thing he started to do was he would start a task like booking the car in for a service, swimming lessons etc and then GIVE THEM MY NUMBER/ EMAIL! I did lose my shit then.

It’s still not solved but what has worked for me is-
I do meal planning and he knows he cooks on X days (knowing what to cook was quite a big hurdle for him)
he has certain things (car, some extra curricular lessons etc) which are all his and he knows he has to do them (he knows that if he missed the MOT or something his life would not be worth living)
he always does school pickup
he does all the washing (only so many ways you can bugger that one up)
we have quite a bit of food delivered, milk, eggs, bread, veg box and he does most of the other shopping.

I still do 90% of booking activities, school admin, booking holidays, garden, house DIY and making sure everyone has the right stuff.

There are still pinch points but a mixture of him having a decent number of “his jobs” and streaming my side of things has worked pretty well so far.

I think having a proper discussion about the mental load would help. There’s a really good book called “fair play” by eve Rodksy - can get on Amazon. And it’s a system to share out the mental load/domestic emotional labour in the home. It might help you inform your conversation and get the language to talk about it with your partner and help him to understand how difficult this is.

But you can't...