I am losing it with DH!

[LosingIt23]

Sorry, this will be long... I apologise in advance.

DH and I have been married for 11y. We have one DC (3yo). We both work FT and we have separate finances - I pay mortgage, childcare, house/garden maintenance and food/shopping. He pays for the car (I don't drive), utilities and a cleaner 1x week (5h). In case it is relevant, I make 4x his salary so I naturally cover 4x more in terms of costs.

I am a high earner and we can comfortably live without his income but I respect that he wants a career and have, 2 years ago, accepted to move away from my parents/friendship circle to live close to his parents as he had a career opportunity there. I have, in the past, offered him an option to be SAHP but he refused and I can fully understand that - SAHP wouldn't suit me either. DC adores him and he adores DC. The two of us can still laugh together, sex is good and I am not interested in other men.

However, and this is a big HOWEVER - I carry the entire mental load. All the appointments, all orders for the house, maintenance, pets, his own as well as DCs and mine health/social engagements - pretty much anything that comes to mind, it's down to me...

I WFH and have a very intense job which means that a week can pass and I won't step a foot outside of the house. He works in an office and gets up, showers, puts his suit/tie on and off he goes with a book to read during the commute. In the meanwhile, I wake up before him - feed the pets, start cooking (so that DC would have a healthy, cooked from scratch meal for dinner), check in on both sets of parents, get DC ready for nursery (he does drop offs and pick ups)... once they're out of the door, I clean, tidy and then start working. If work allows, I spend lunch break dealing with said appointments, orders...

And then we come to today. Last three weeks have been very difficult for me. I had a business trip which was cut short when a close family member of mine died. I flew to my home country to organise funeral, be support to my mother (ill and on her own) etc. Came back Sunday evening to a house that was a complete pit. It turns out he forgot the vet appointment for neutering our kitten, which started spraying... on top of that he decided to fire our cleaner as he 'realized he could save so much if he just did it himself' - but of course he didn't. His clothes and dirty socks were all over our en suite and dressing room.

I didn't even get a chance to recover/address this when I got plunged into a work-related crisis that got me working late 2 days in a row. He offered a 'poor you' speech but made sure to mention DC said how 'Mummy always works'. This morning he forgot to take something that had to be posted and I had to walk 25mins (one way) to do it myself. On top of that - even though I asked him 3x -he forgot to take my raincoat from the car and drove off with it and it was pouring outside. Finally - I discovered that he still didn't repair (or order parts) for a tool he was promising to fix since we moved here.

So, wise Mumsnetters - AIBU to lose it at him or not? What do I do? How do I make him see this kind of life will send me to a hospital or worse?

You dont want to leave him, you value his good points more than dislike his bad ones (YANBU for finding it difficult btw).. Hire the help you need and stop having the conversation with him. Your expectation of him is the issue. He will never be all that you want because he does not want to be that man. So you need to change.. accept what he is not and fill the gaps or... accept that its a deal breaker and make plans to change things to that end.

Going around in circles trying to get ignorance to listen is misery for everyone.

I think this is wise and more realistic than yelling LTB when clearly the OP does not want to. Hire help.

I lived in a marriage like this for a very long time. He was, it seemed, constitutionally unable to do any emotional work unrelated directly to himself. I discussed and negotiated myself into the ground. Our child started to model this behaviour, expecting of me much the same as he did ie everything. I felt like I was literally living the inner lives of two people who seemed incapable of taking any responsibility for themselves or the family at all. I felt very angry with him that his refusal to do emotional and mental work had stolen the fun part of parenting my child for me. I had to be the strict one and him the relaxed one. To cut a long story short I just got sick and fucking tired of it. When my child was ten I bought a tiny place I could escape to in the city where I wanted to be a long way away. I would go there to work. I simply left them to it for extensive periods. He had to face everything then, and my child realised he wasn't fun at AT ALL. It was a difficult time (for them). I was liberated from this ceaselessly emotionally slavery. Fast forward a few years and our situation is one that works for all of us. My husband and I are separated, but very amicable and he has changed completely. He absolutely does his share for our child. He is much happier as a result. She is older now and very independent, coming to stay with me, and with him. When I stay, he does all the cooking and is on top of all the admin. I don't want to be married to him (or anyone actually) but he is a real friend and a great father. This would never have happened within the relationship. I firmly believe the only thing most men understand is action. Marriage is a power relation, and nothing changes unless the power relation is disrupted.

If it’s helpful and relevant to him then he may want to consider ADHD further. It’s a common misconception that people with ADHD can’t focus on anything - they indeed can focus incredibly well (hyper focusing) on things that are of interest to them. It sounds like your partner lacks a lot of executive function skills which is also common in neurodivergent folk (including those with ADHD). It just may be helpful to both of you to find out if he did indeed have it. He can use strategies to help himself (it’s not a reason to be excused of taking responsibility), but it may also help him feel better about himself (he likely feels terrible for letting you down) if he understands why he struggles so much with seemingly ‘simple’ tasks and remembering to do things.
Wishing you both all the best

We have been married over 30 years. There are different challenges to face as the years go by. Whether it be at the baby or teenage stage. If you want to stay with your DH then make it work by hiring help. As your child grows, jobs change and life changes things become different. If things are very messy perhaps you need a good clear out or to rotate toys? Starting hanging things up/putting them away as soon as you have used them. Use a supermarket delivery service. I am wondering if your DH may have inattentive adhd. Something to look at.

I think you both just have very different personalities and maybe you are more able than him to do things. That doesn't mean that he shouldn't help out, just that you might need to (this is a phrase my 86 year old mother uses.. not me.. ...."train him". he shouldn't have fired the cleaner without chatting with you about it first. I would have been cross about that and very cross about the guilt trip, because that's very shitty, more so than being a bit useless. so yeah, depends what you want, in my opinion so what if he's a bit useless if you love him and he's a good dad, but i would be cross with him about the guilt trip.

So much to go after in this post….

The tipping point for me would be letting the cleaner go without discussion. I would completely lose my shit in your circumstances. Absolutely and totally. In my view the cleaner is the one thing between you and a full mental and physical breakdown.

This sounds exhausting for you and a lonely situation. Is it possible that your husband has a neurodivergence like ADHD? Have you considered couples counselling?

It sounds like other areas of your relationship and family are going well and you want to stay together for your daughter. It might be worth having some open and gentle conversations with your husband to explore why he is struggling to help in the way you’d like him to/remember things/is impulsive (e.g. firing the cleaner). Start with the positives and explain what you would like the relationship to look like, and suggest brain storming together on what would improve things. Be firm about what your break points are (e.g. having a clean house) and what you can compromise on. Doing this with a counsellor can help avoid these conversations becoming circular and unproductive.

It will be hard at times, and if your husband is neurodivergent there will be things you just have to accept about him and change your expectations slightly. But by talking more about how you’re feeling, you can hopefully get understanding from him and efforts on his part to be mindful of this. I hope it works out.

Why is it whenever you ask men to do something or complain they haven’t done a simple task, they have to turn it on you by saying something really hurtful??

Get a housekeeper who can cook, clean, pick up kids etc and take that load off you both. So you have me and relaxing time, and are not resentful.

It sounds like in his own way he is trying his best too. Don't let this be the reason for having a sour marital relationship. It isn't worth it.

Focus on his positives; and outsource everything that you possibly can.

This. No one wants to end up like this. My child doesn't want me to pay for his uni for example; he needs me to be present now. Sometimes we lose focus on what is really important.

@LosingIt23 I hate to tell you, but very often once a kitten has started to spray he will continue to spray even after being neutered.

Females can also spray but it's rarer.

Unfortunately many women are in the same situation regarding doing pretty much everything except a lot of us don’t have a cleaner. I’m not saying you should just accept it far from it. I left my partner, I was unhappy in other ways, you don’t sound like you are. Be honest and open about how hard it is for you. Good luck x

I didn’t read all the responses so forgive me if someone suggested this!

first, he’s unlikely to change, so if staying married is important you will need a workaround.

I’m in the US and loads of families here employ a part time “house manager”. It’s usually someone who comes a couple of hours a day (or even 2/3 times a week) and picks up the household slack. Not a cleaner, but someone who’d tidy up, prep some meals, do the shopping, take care of some of the admin stuff like pay bills or go to the post office etc . This is typically in conjunction with some child care, but if you’re happy with nursery, that doesn’t have to be part of it.

if you could afford the help, it might be worth it.

Too late, they've already been married 11 years.

I'd use the office analogy, you have a cleaner for yours so I'm going to have a cleaner for mine ( home) therefore it's less undermining him. Yoy want to be with him, you like to be in control so in all honesty blips like the other week are going to happen when you're not. I think you're just going to have to accept it as he won't change and you're obviously going to stay with him.

I think you mean take the load off the op- what load is on him??

I’d start with not cooking or cleaning/washing his stuff. Take child out for a meal before he gets home (sounds like you can afford it) or just make something for the two of you. Don’t do any admin appts relating to him and the car. Set him up in his own bedroom and get a cleaner who cleans everywhere except his room. He needs to have consequences for his actions. Either that or you divorce him but I’m guessing that’s not a road you want to go down.

@Overtherainbow89

Being neurodiverse doesn't make you a lazy twat. He sacked the bloody cleaner!!

Really @JoyApple ? Your children don’t want you to pay for university ?? So you offered them money and they turned it down - no thanks mum I’d rather you spent it on yourself, I’ll work 30 hours a week instead . Wow.

Well my kids must be unusual because they are very happy that I’m supporting then through university .

When I was a student I had no support from my parents and I was so stressed working evenings , weekends and all the holidays just to keep a roof over my head. It affected my studies and my whole experience of university - I couldn’t join in with lots of the social events and sports that my classmates did.

So I’m glad to be able to help my kids out . Well done on yours for being so selfless, I hope they don’t live to regret it. I guess they must be working lots of hours as I did to fund themselves .

It sounds like in his own way he is trying his best too.
Does it sound like this, though.

Life of a busy working mum. I'm surprised more of us don't have breakdowns. Solve it your way. Take burden off you as much as you can. Difficult I know But e.g. don't buy bday presents or Xmas presents for any of his family. That's his job. Don't wash his clothes. Get a cooking Rota
I tried this and ex still didn't contribute and cook on his nights.When we split it was easier as the expectation that someone would help had gone. Anger and irritation lifted.
The "mummy is always working" comment is a piss take. My ex said mummy is having a rant when I lost it. I had a rant because he was a lazy git

Op - any update?

OP
i cannot stress enough the importance of considering your husband has undiagnosed ADHD. I am in a “partners of ADHD” support group and what you describe is the same as EVERY SINGLE person in there, be it male or female.

I read this as

wfh gets child ready for nursery in morning
commuting parent gets himself ready, drops child and nursery, commutes to work

isnt that reasonable? I used to be the WFH parent in this scenario and seemed totally reasonable to me.

2 dogs and 3 kittens? Did anyone force this on you OP?

cooking every morning from scratch for your 3 year old? Op, Google “batch cooking”

what has happened on the multiple previous business travel you have undertaken where’s he done all solo?