AIBU to refuse to do as my brother-in-law instructs?

[MsHardy]

My sister is one of the sweetest and most supportive people in the world, but she's quite passive and a people pleaser. I can relate to that as we both have struggled with that! However, she has married a guy who I like in lots of ways BUT he can be, imo, a little controlling. He wants things done on his timetable and likes to make most of the decisions. He also has a bit of a chip on his shoulder about wanting others that he perceives to have been dealt a more privileged hand in life to do things for him.

They came to stay with me recently and while I loved spending time with my sister and her daughter, I came away feeling like the hired help.

Here are some of the things that upset me...

• My sister asked me to order breakfasts, lunches and dinners for them as they were trying to be frugal (which I dutifully did and foot the bill) - then proceeded to not eat most of it and order while out every day
• They don't drive, so asked me to sort getting a car seat before they arrived, and then expected lifts everywhere, even when public transport would be easier/cheaper
• Wanted me to drive their 1 year old around for 1hr+ so she would nap in the car, even though as they don't drive she never usually needs this - I used 45 quid of fuel over a 4-day trip
• He dictated exactly when we did everything and expected me to drop everything - I was instructed to collect them in the mornings from their hotel with short notice, I wasn't even given time to go to the toilet let alone make a packed lunch before it was suddenly time to leave the house for day trip etc
• I feel sister's partner overstepped boundaries in my house - he would lie down and go to sleep on the only sofa so my sister and I sat on the floor with DD, constantly asked for expensive drinks and snacks, eat well more than his fair share of (enormous) dinners I made so my sister went without etc
• One day he walked in, turned on the oven at 4pm and said 'it's dinner time' and proceeded to monitor that I was cooking the meal quickly enough - it made me so upset I started to have a panic attack

AIBU to say something to my sister (I am genuinely a bit worried)? What should I do next time they visit?

A good few posters missing this, it's the BIL she needs to worry about and keep away. SIL needs help. Not to be summarily dismissed without so much as a by your leave. The woman is being abused. Does she need to come knocking at OP door at midnight clutching her baby in her nightie before it's ok to help her? I would say, try and talk to sis when she can speak freely and (gently), express your concerns. Bad relationships are very nuanced. Abused women need to be repeatedly to be assured that there is an escape route. Shelters are full to the brim. OP seems worried about her Sis so keep channels of comms open (while researching shelter and counselling options).

Please take some lessons in assertiveness, it will help massively. Yes your BIL is a cheeky fucker, and quite frankly your sister is too. Don't invite them again. If they ask its fine to say no

Your sister is equally to blame, if not more so as she's your sister. Apologising profusely for his behaviour is pointless. I can understand you being shocked initially but it sounds as though you went along with it, to appease both of them.

Learn to say No and set boundaries. You can still have a good visit with them but you tell them what you can do and what you can't do.

Bil and your dsis need a kick up the arse but you need a bigger one for being such a doormat. I'm not known for being subtle with idiots and bil for one wouldn't dare try to take the piss even if he is married to a wet lettuce.
There is a similar set up in dh's family, well fuck that, we are nc because I can't be trusted not to 'be nice'. Dh hates him too.

He sounds like a pig - pretty rude and obnoxious, but that doesn't necessarily mean that he's abusive.

Wow

He wouldn't be invited back

The word you needed was NO. You need to tell your sister that the next time they visit they will fund their own meals unless YOU decide to cook for them, the will have to use public transport and they he ISN'T the boss of you. If they don't like it tough. Stand up for yourself.

He really, really sounds like he is. Really. Abuse can be 'subtle' (but i don't think this guy even is subtle tbh). The sister sounds mortified, he seems to feel king of whatever castle he's in. I really don't like the cut of his gibb at all. I'd put money on him being an abuser tbh.

You are not being unreasonable to expect better behaviour from this chap but you and your sister really need to learn how to say no! Sounds like she is afraid of him in some way and lets him walk all over her. Are you afraid that he will stop her seeing you if you stand up to him. He will only behave in this way if you both enable him.

Yes, why on earth didn't you say anything. This is extreme self-abasement.

Ah ok apologies OP! I had this tab open this morning and in the meantime it's all moved on/

I have a real problem with the enabler thing. There is an element of truth to it to be sure, but it discards so many other things. Victims of abuse are so often ground down and/or dependendant so they choose the path of least resistance. They so often live with the their abuser who is in their ear 24/7 so they can start to believe the negative things they're told about themselves, or have no access to money. It's not really something that can be reduced down to one word. Or maybe it is a misapplied word, i'm sure it applies in other circumstances. But so many times, it's just a word used to blame women for mens shitty behaviour.

JFC. Really? Did you read that back before you posted it it? Woman more to blame in man's shitty behaviour. Wonderful.

One of the traditional sterotypes is the man who loathes his BIL. Now you see how it arose OP. Just say "No".

My h quite likes my bros. No problems theres tbh. None of us close but all grand. And they'd all be different in terms of age/ interests.

Next time they visit? That's a joke, of course. Be unavailable. We women can be our own worst enemies, stop indulging him.

Anyone who uses ‘leftie’ as an insult like that is a bit suspect themselves, to be honest.

It’s difficult to tell if your sister is appeasing him out of fear or if she is also a high maintenance PITA. Did she offer any explanation for making you order food?

Who was it who asked you to get a car seat/ drive the baby around?

I take it as a compliment tbh! I'd keel over if someone called me right or centre!

The potetential 'high maintenance' bit forms part of abuse. Societal, so no come back. But totally abuse too.

I said ‘also’ a high maintenance PITA because that’s what the BIL sounds like.

The word is a positive in my view, yes. Therefore I suspect those people who use it as an insult, which is clearly the intent in the post I quoted!

Without delving into details of mine and my sister's childhoods... several commenters were scarily close to the mark. Very eye-opening. I have done a lot of work on myself over the years since then and it's funny - at work I now consider myself very assertive. I'm a manager and consistently get positive feedback on my clear, direct but friendly professional approach. But clearly I have fallen into old habits when it comes to family.

The confidence of his behaviour is what has flummoxed me I think. I now realise I've been taking my cue from my sister - on the occasions she attempts to call him out/set boundaries, he tends to double down or ignore her and can then become quite cold. For example, I offered our spare bedroom for naps, so when he lay down on the sofa announcing he was planning to sleep there, my sister tried to encourage him upstairs, but he just point blank refused and she relented. It was so embarrassing/perplexing, I felt paralysed as to what to do in the moment.

Because she seems so anxious about upsetting him for whatever reason, I guess I am scared he will retaliate against me enforcing boundaries in a way that will make things harder for her. And at the end of the day, she is my top priority. I don't want to ban them from visiting, because we live hundreds of miles apart, so it would be a huge blow to the relationship. And aside from all this, I love seeing her and her lovely DD.

I will reflect on how to bring up what I've noticed in a way she will be open to. He is a devoted Dad and - if you can believe it - charitable and often thoughtful guy, so I am certain that going in all guns blazing claiming that she is married to an abuser could alienate her further. But clearly there's reason for real concern. I would love to hear any tips or advice from anyone who has been through something similar on how to approach an honest chat.

Also - if anyone could recommend assertiveness courses more geared towards personal life, I would be very grateful!