AIBU to refuse to do as my brother-in-law instructs?

[MsHardy]

My sister is one of the sweetest and most supportive people in the world, but she's quite passive and a people pleaser. I can relate to that as we both have struggled with that! However, she has married a guy who I like in lots of ways BUT he can be, imo, a little controlling. He wants things done on his timetable and likes to make most of the decisions. He also has a bit of a chip on his shoulder about wanting others that he perceives to have been dealt a more privileged hand in life to do things for him.

They came to stay with me recently and while I loved spending time with my sister and her daughter, I came away feeling like the hired help.

Here are some of the things that upset me...

• My sister asked me to order breakfasts, lunches and dinners for them as they were trying to be frugal (which I dutifully did and foot the bill) - then proceeded to not eat most of it and order while out every day
• They don't drive, so asked me to sort getting a car seat before they arrived, and then expected lifts everywhere, even when public transport would be easier/cheaper
• Wanted me to drive their 1 year old around for 1hr+ so she would nap in the car, even though as they don't drive she never usually needs this - I used 45 quid of fuel over a 4-day trip
• He dictated exactly when we did everything and expected me to drop everything - I was instructed to collect them in the mornings from their hotel with short notice, I wasn't even given time to go to the toilet let alone make a packed lunch before it was suddenly time to leave the house for day trip etc
• I feel sister's partner overstepped boundaries in my house - he would lie down and go to sleep on the only sofa so my sister and I sat on the floor with DD, constantly asked for expensive drinks and snacks, eat well more than his fair share of (enormous) dinners I made so my sister went without etc
• One day he walked in, turned on the oven at 4pm and said 'it's dinner time' and proceeded to monitor that I was cooking the meal quickly enough - it made me so upset I started to have a panic attack

AIBU to say something to my sister (I am genuinely a bit worried)? What should I do next time they visit?

This made me think of something I heard the other week, something like "we invite the treatment we tolerate". Stop tolerating his demands and push back next time. He needs to learn women are not put on this earth to serve him.

What a cunt.

It is interesting that your sister had ended up with a controlling man like this, and you capitulated to his every unreasonable request.

I think this is rooted in both your and your sister's childhoods. Were you both given the example that the man in the house comes first and the women come very, very last?

Not being able to use the toilet because you are so urgently meeting someone's demands, cannot really just be put down to being shocked at someone's behaviour. It should be a natural thing to look after your own bodily needs! Look into why you did not feel able to say no to this awful man, you (and your sister) may need professional help as already advised on this thread.

Stand up for yourself OP

He lays on the sofa- oi, budge up

He turns the oven on - turn it off immediately

He says it’s dinner time- haha, yeah right, jog on, you’re not in your kitchen.

She may not know how much of a knob he is if she’s been conditioned by him.

I wouldn’t raise the issues now. What’s done is done. But I wouldn’t be playing host again. When they invariably ask, say “sorry, that doesn’t work for us” “we’re too busy” “it was much more time consuming than expected last time” and repeat.

Don't be their dogsbody!!

Agree with the PP above, when he overstepped by lounging asleep on your sofa, say “you can’t hog the whole sofa, you need to move to the chair or go back to the hotel if you’re sleeping”

It can be not so much as not wanting to come across as unreasonable (cos you know you're not) but rather the fear of the inevitable reaction. There's an almost subconcious cost benefit analysis that goes on in your mind in situations like this as follows: 'OH is being a dick, what's the best outcome, saying to him and risk the potential aftermath, or do i stay quiet and there's less commotion.' I do think OPs sister sounds in trouble. Or at the very least, unhappy.

There's no way he should be allowed into your home again. He's a massive control freak.

And, i think OP being in the middle of such a situation was wrong footed. You don't expect visitors to your home to be so blantent in their arseholery do you. Quite disconcerting.

This account must be the worst I've ever read on MN (and there have been a few) for cheeky fuckery, awful entitled visitors. DO NOT HAVE THEM AGAIN.

May I say, you have the power to decline. He can only order you around if you allow it. Did you suggest he lie down in the bedroom so you and sis wouldn't have to sit on the floor? Did you turn the oven off when he turned it on at 4:00? You are a very nice accomodating woman who is being taken advantage of. Practice saying no - it will change your life.

I think there is something in this. Sometimes the Twattery is so blatant that you can't quite believe it and so are stumped for the correct response (which occurs later while you are fuming!)
Some times the Twatter has so much Alpha self-confidence that they glide in as if they own the place and that countering them in any way will have consequences. They are so certain of themselves it makes you uncertain whether you are in the right and more time is needed to think it through (which you are doing now on this thread)

I think protecting your sister had a lot to do with your reaction. It feels like you were worried that saying no to this idiot would have repercussions for her.

Was it just you in the house when they visited or did you have a partner/DH there too. If so What did they think?

What do you think would have happened if you'd stood up to him.. You mentioned that he just repeats requests as if you've not spoken.. Is there any hint that he might shout, or exhibit cold anger/disapproval.

What would happen if he did? Could you shrug it off.

I think its worth exploring a way of dealing with him. It really does sound like your sister needs help. She was aware of him overstepping and you could tell by her apologies.

Is there anyway you could find someone ( like women's aid) who can point you in the way of finding a way to deal with this. Can you get your sister alone for a shopping trip or weekend visit so you can talk to her about this.

He sounds like an intolerable guest

I think it's 'he' rather than 'them'. I think OP sister is in dear need of support. It's a lot more than CFs. The BIL is abusive. From my take anyway.

All of this. Great post tbh. I don't think jettisoning her sis right now would be good. If you try and try and nothing changes, of course you have to protect yourself, but sis to me sounds like a rabbit in the headlightlights.

I agree, and I think if you make it clear you won’t stand for it, he will gradually isolate your sister from you. I think this could well prove to be very nasty for your sister in the long run. I cannot offer advice, as I have fortunately never had to deal with this situation, but you can always get good advice on MN, and I urge you to take care. Best wishes.

This is how I read it, too.

Absolitely true about the isolation. It's the 'next step' when they get challenged, or they feel their partner is gaining back a bit of strength and stepping up/back . So a really important time to be in touch with sis, and try to keep it on the down low. Resort to the post if you have to type thing.

And just to reiterate, my mum stayed with this crap man for a full 32 years. 5 of us damaged (to various extents) until she left but the earlier away from this type of person the better. Kids will adapt to a different home set up, a different school, make new friends etc. But living with someone like that is living under a constant shadow that follows you long after the abuser is gone. So the earlier out for sis the better. (Obvs am basing this on the small snapshot from OP and relating to my own experiences. But i really felt so much affinity with OP in her description of BIL).

Dont let then come again. Try to talk to your sister about this

You need therapy to work out why on earth you would allow such appalling behaviour. And don't have them back!

I understand the responses but I think some of them are missing two important points

1. the OP loves her sister and was keeping the peace for her sake
2. men like this are a great example of how even non-violent men benefit from the ubiquitous threat of male violence - a man who insists and doesn't listen to 'no' is a huge trigger for a lot of women who know that that is a threatening situation and so back down as a way of staying safe. This happens even when the man seems very calm or there's no overt threat of violence - we are taught so thoroughly that men are volatile and that provoking them is a bad idea that as soon as a man displays this sort of behaviour it has the desired effect - ie a compliant woman.

The issue with this sort of man is that most women lose their cool at some point and then the question is whether they will escalate to the subtly promised violence. A lot of them do, sadly.

Ideally you need to get your sister away from this person but I know that's not easy.

I put YABU as you shouldn’t have put up with that shit from the start!
No way would I have done that. They sound like awful, selfish people.

Wow. He’s a cunt.

OP, it’s not all door-mattery if you said your piece at the end of the trip. How did you frame it? You said BIL walked out - did he do that out of embarrassment or anger or did he just dismiss you? How did your sister react?