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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset all grandparent names have been used but mine?

234 replies

2408username · 24/08/2023 08:40

I get I might be massively unreasonable here and I just want to say that I have never said this to anyone and is just me seeing if my feelings are outrageous or most would feel the same way. I have changed my username as well by the way.

I have 3 lovely grandchildren all from my only child (my daughter). They are due their 4th and final and we are obviously all overjoyed and I love that we have a bigger family now as I was only able to have the 1.

They first had 2 boys and their first had DH's first name as a middle name, their 2nd had her husband's dad's, their 3rd was their first daughter and did give her DH's mum's name as the middle name. They are having a 2nd daughter and I must admit, I did think it would maybe be my name as her middle name. None of our names are outrageous or particularly old fashioned/bad in any way and I am very, very close to them all and the main person for childcare if and when they need.

My daughter told me the name they have decided on and the middle name is her DH's grandmother's name and she did specifically say to me that it would have been most fair/nice to use my name but she wanted them to all keep the middle names starting with J (all names do start with J and mine doesn't) both her and her husband's name also begin with J... the children don't have J first names just to clarify.

AIBU to be a bit upset by this?

OP posts:
newnamethanks · 25/08/2023 20:28

My grandmother's name was Fanny. Not Frances. Not Francesca. Fanny. Oddly, nobody is named after her and nobody is upset about it.

Spirallingdownwards · 25/08/2023 20:29

I guess it depends what your name is though.

Gowlett · 25/08/2023 20:30

The J thing doesn’t really make much sense…

Adelaff · 25/08/2023 20:46

I can see how this could feel hurtful, though personally it wouldn't bother me.

Tongue-in-cheek, why not use your name as the baby's forename if it can't be used for the middle name.

I think the key thing to focus on is the relationship you have with your grandchildren, which sounds lovely 💛

SnowWhiteAndTheTwoKids · 25/08/2023 20:52

Ahhh, Alice is a lovely name!

Cucucucu · 25/08/2023 21:26

My daughter had more than one middle name , why can’t they do that ?

MarshmaIIow · 25/08/2023 21:59

2408username · 24/08/2023 19:47

I might slightly mention it if it comes up again but really don't want to cause any bad feelings or make her feel really bad before having the baby just for my own sake as their happiness is actually the most important thing to me and I wasn't lying when I said that to her but I am just a bit upset but I think I can deal with it as even if she knows it probably won't change anything as like some people have said I wouldn't want her to do it to just keep me happy I'd rather it's the name they actually do want, 2 middle names wouldn't make her happy she wouldn't want one having 2 and not the others. I just wanted to see if I was unreasonable and it's nice to know I'm not and I think that helps me just move forward from it really. I dont think I will hold any bad feelings over it but I do hope it is never awkward later on if the names ever do get discussed and people wonder why I wasn't used like I wasn't worth being honoured but the other grandparents were Sad

My name is Alice it's timeless in my opinion but yes so are the other names used. This time baby's middle name (her husbands grandmother) is Juliet and is very pretty.

Yes I wouldn't cut down on the help I give to her or the time I spend with them all and I don't think she has done this as a representation of what she thinks of me and the lack of appreciation she has, I just don't. I love them all dearly and the time I spend with them is what I live for!

Aw! My middle name is Alice! You can be my honorary grandmother!

steph21282 · 25/08/2023 22:27

Are u my auntie maggie ?

pollymere · 25/08/2023 23:47

It does seem a bit mean. Could they not have your name as a first name with a nickname version?

I only had one DC... They started life with my Mum's name as a middle name. Now they have my Dad's instead...☺️

FlipFlop1987 · 26/08/2023 05:44

I’m a bit confused (sorry if it’s mentioned), is it your DH’s name who was used first or your daughter’s husband?
I can understand you being a bit put out, if every other GP gets their name used. However there is a generational thing in that names tend to go round in fashion. Some names just don’t fit.
We wouldn’t use any of our parents first names for our children on either side, their names from the 40’s/50’s just aren’t in ‘fashion‘ right now. MIL’s name is in bullying territory in my opinion. But our grandparents name’s definitely are in fashion again so our DD has both her great grandmothers names as middle names and everyone who sees it written in full says what pretty names she has. If they weren’t nice names, I wouldn’t be using them just for the sake.
In our family in general we tend to share middle names rather than first names though. My niece and I have the same middle name, my DSis and DM have the same, my nephew has his great grandfather’s name as will our DS when born next month. Do you have a middle name they might be able to use OP?

FlipFlop1987 · 26/08/2023 05:49

newnamethanks · 25/08/2023 20:28

My grandmother's name was Fanny. Not Frances. Not Francesca. Fanny. Oddly, nobody is named after her and nobody is upset about it.

Brilliant, at one time a totally acceptable name but sadly it’s the connotation attached now. My MIL is Bertha, makes me laugh every time I say it. I don’t know why, something just sounds jokey about it. “Busty Bertha” maybe (she would be absolutely appalled at that so then I laugh more)

W0tnow · 26/08/2023 05:58

Absolutely do not mention it. Not even ‘slightly’. In your shoes I’d feel a bit put out though.

mathanxiety · 26/08/2023 06:38

YANBU

They could easily use your name as a middle name and simply explain to the children that while it looked as if the pattern was "everybody's middle name starts with a J", that was sheer coincidence, and it's actually "everybody's middle name was chosen to honour a grandparent".

TheLadyofShalott1 · 26/08/2023 06:46

I think that 'Juliet-Alice has rather a pretty ring to it
@2408username, and as it is hyphenated it is still only one name.

However, as you don't want to bring it up with your DD, I am quite hoping that for this one time one of the well read red tops, does actually print this thread. Now that you have given your name and the name that your DD is going to use, it shouldn't be too difficult for her to realise who this is about if she does see it. I think that if your DD doesn't use your name at all, she will deeply regret not doing so at some point in the future. 💐🍷🍫

electriclight · 26/08/2023 06:50

YANBU as that is hurtful and your dd knows this as she took the time to explain and acknowledge the decision.

But I think the time to say something was during that initial discussion. I don't see what could be gained by saying something about it now. She will either get defensive, or she will back down and use your name but you will always know that it was because you twisted her arm.

If it is something you will struggle to come to terms with perhaps find a moment to discuss it and clear the air. I think I would approach it as seeking reassurance that I hadn't done anything 'wrong' and that the children would remember me in other ways.

Islandgirl68 · 26/08/2023 10:12

I have never liked this system of naming or using family names, I now find it old fashioned, then people can't get offended. Where I grew up girls were name after their grandfather's, they added ina to the Ed
Nd of names Donaldina, hughina, kennethina etc that was dying out with My generation. So always said would never call my kids after any one as they are their own person and could have their own identity. But can understand why yiu are hurt. Also not fair the names all come from DH side.

CathyFitzs · 26/08/2023 15:05

yes, I’d be very upset but I think
you ought to tell your daughter that you’re disappointed. She may be thinking that you don’t mind and she may rethink if she knows that it’s very important to you. My daughter has two middle names because there were two people I wished to ‘remember’ and it didn’t seem fair to choose one over the other. Perhaps your daughter might consider this?

crumblylancs · 26/08/2023 15:15

Completely get you're upset but the damage is done, if you tell her how you feel and she changes it you both know it's not been done for the right reasons and at the end of the day, it's not anyone else's decision what to name the baby or to question what they decide when it's already been explained.

QueenMegan · 26/08/2023 15:31

Yeah that's very insensitive.

Its all or nothing I think.

I totally avoided all the old fogeys name for this reason.

QueenMegan · 26/08/2023 15:33

I think the matching initials is a bit bat shit too.

T1Dmama · 26/08/2023 22:18

Tinkerbyebye · 24/08/2023 08:58

I would be upset and I would be letting my daughter know that as well. It’s all very well her saying it would only be fair to use your name but she isn’t, she needs to know how much this hurts you

This!

if you’re close to your DD & provide the childcare etc I’d be telling her that it’s really upset you to be THE ONLY Grandparent not remembered / honoured in the DGC middle names.
I’d be devastated too! I’d actually feel offended whatever their reasoning!… I’d tell your DD as she might genuinely feel that you don’t mind.

becarefulofyourheart · 27/08/2023 02:06

just read your name is Alice. That’s a lovely name, too…

Jenny-Alice would be sweet middle name….as would Jolie-Alice.

T1Dmama · 27/08/2023 08:23

newnamethanks · 25/08/2023 20:28

My grandmother's name was Fanny. Not Frances. Not Francesca. Fanny. Oddly, nobody is named after her and nobody is upset about it.

She stated in the original post that her name isn’t anything outrageous!

DaNcInGtEqUiLaCaT · 28/08/2023 23:52

Can't the child have two middle names to accommodate?

Oopsadaisysgranny · 29/08/2023 00:50

I would be upset too . I was sad when our granddaughter was born and they choose mil name as a middle name instead of my mums name who had died the year before ! But there you each new set of parents get to choose their favourite names as we did . I must admit to never using her middle name !! ( my bad it just riles me )