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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset all grandparent names have been used but mine?

234 replies

2408username · 24/08/2023 08:40

I get I might be massively unreasonable here and I just want to say that I have never said this to anyone and is just me seeing if my feelings are outrageous or most would feel the same way. I have changed my username as well by the way.

I have 3 lovely grandchildren all from my only child (my daughter). They are due their 4th and final and we are obviously all overjoyed and I love that we have a bigger family now as I was only able to have the 1.

They first had 2 boys and their first had DH's first name as a middle name, their 2nd had her husband's dad's, their 3rd was their first daughter and did give her DH's mum's name as the middle name. They are having a 2nd daughter and I must admit, I did think it would maybe be my name as her middle name. None of our names are outrageous or particularly old fashioned/bad in any way and I am very, very close to them all and the main person for childcare if and when they need.

My daughter told me the name they have decided on and the middle name is her DH's grandmother's name and she did specifically say to me that it would have been most fair/nice to use my name but she wanted them to all keep the middle names starting with J (all names do start with J and mine doesn't) both her and her husband's name also begin with J... the children don't have J first names just to clarify.

AIBU to be a bit upset by this?

OP posts:
bunchofboys · 24/08/2023 12:31

Try not to get upset about something like this. Its honestly not a big deal but is the sort of thing that leads to big rifts and hurt. Don't turn it into a big snub or let it ruin the arrival of your granddaughter.

Hapagirl48 · 24/08/2023 12:36

Your daughter sounds pretty self centered tbh. And the whole names starting with a certain letter makes my teeth itch. Especially at the cost of hurt feelings to someone close.

hiredandsqueak · 24/08/2023 12:43

I can understand why you are upest and can see that the reasoning makes sense to your dd and I don't blame you for being hurt. Have you raised how hurt you feel with dd? Your post has made me realise I'm glad I've got an awful name that my dc won't saddle any future grandchildren with though so avoiding this hurt.

BreatheAndFocus · 24/08/2023 13:18

Just to add - could you gently ask her how she’d feel if she was the grandmother in this situation? Perhaps she knows in her heart is hurtful but told you so she could tell herself that you didn’t mind?

Personally, I’d talk to her privately and explain how you feel. Don’t do it in an accusing way. Do it in a sharing, ‘just wondering’ sort of way. Explain how you’re upset and left out. Explain that the sudden change of theme from GPs names to J names makes it more hurtful. Remind her that she said her 1st DC would have had your name if they’d been a girl. Try to get her to see your hurt logically. Maybe she’ll then go for two middle names, or just your name as a middle name and forget the J idea.

I’d also point out that she’s excluding her baby by making them the only one without a GP name and that that might upset them as they get older. “Who was I named after, Mummy?” “Oh no-one, dear. We just chose Jenny because it began with J and so fitted with your brothers and sister.” It sounds so silly.

CheshireSplat · 24/08/2023 13:31

OP, can you change your name to the new J name ? Would be a bit of a hassle from a documentation, banking perspective but would be quite funny 🤣. Shame AprilFool's Day is so far away or it'd be a good one....

heatherheathe · 24/08/2023 13:40

I don't know why other posters are so against the "j" tradition, I have something similar in my family and think it's nice!
But you are absolutely not being unreasonable to be upset - using 3/4 grandparents names isn't fair. At the very least they should have used your name as well as the g-grans for the newest dd, so either 2 middle names or hyphenated. Middle names are so rarely said out loud it hardly matters even if they don't go very well.

The only way you were U is to have said you were okay with it when you werent!! That was the ideal opportunity to mention it! Would your dh or another family member be able to mention it to her if you feel uncomfortable - you can't insist on what she names her kid but there's no point in this building up into a resentment. At least if your dd is told the middle name thing is an issue for you and explained why the ball is in her court and it's up to her if she prefers her new "J name" tradition over acknowledging someone who helps her so much with the kids and cares so much for them.

Ive got no idea why posters make petty suggestions like you stop helping her out so much which are just are cutting off your nose to spite your face given that you enjoy seeing your grandkids, rather than just addressing an issue directly, like adults.

MirandaBlu · 24/08/2023 14:52

It's course up to them ultimately which names they use, but to me the use of family names and specifically the children's grandparents names is a MUCH more significant pattern for middle names than the initial J. Among my siblings' and my middle names we have three grandparents' first names and two significant family surnames. Since there's five of us, at least one person would have had an odd name out, but it's very obvious which grandparent's name wasn't used and there were good reasons for that (and he wasn't in our lives even though he was alive when all of us were born and named). Your family situation is obviously very different, but it still seems like the ommission would likely eventually be noticeable/noticed, at least among the children themselves.

On the other hand, I've JUST consciously realized from reading this thread that I have the same middle initial as one of my brothers (the other 3 are standalones); it genuinely never crossed my mind. It also seems that the specific Js used in your case are used BECAUSE they are grandparents' names - for example, if it's Jason-Jennifer-Joshua, it wasn't just as likely that it would be Jude-Juno-Jasper, or James-Julia-Jonathan.

That said, I don't really know how you would discuss it - if she brings it up again you could say something like "of COURSE I would have LOVED it if you'd chosen my name this time..." but they've already firmly decided on a J name and you do say you're hurt and they do change it, will that feel strange as well?

LuluBlakey1 · 24/08/2023 15:20

Thing is, had she said from the start of it all 'We're going to give any children we have a middle name beginning with J' you would have been prepared. Instead, she didn't say that and gave them the names of the other 3 grandparents which left you with an expectation. Or she could have chosen different J names than grandparent 's names. What she has done, even though it's not meant to be hurtful, feels not very kind towards you because she has chosen J names that are the names of the other 3 grandparents. I wouldn't get too upset or make a fuss but I wouldn't be able to forget it completely.

Saoirse82 · 24/08/2023 15:29

Mummypie21 · 24/08/2023 09:00

It looks like she's just used names from her husband's side of the family as middle names (more than naming after grandparents).

All the grandparents have been honoured except the OP. Her husbands name has been given as have the other two grandparents.

Cleethorpes · 24/08/2023 16:20

if you make a thing about being the 'favourite', maybe they need to bolster the rest of the family's feelings?

Secondsop · 24/08/2023 19:23

YANBU to be upset at all, but I have no good advice about what to do. The initial thing, even Colleen Rooney moved away from the K when she had her last child as she wanted one to have her initial. We thought long and hard about this and for my 3 we’ve gone for (for the middle names - they have 2 middle names)

  • my husband’s dad’s dad, and my dad
  • my husband’s mum’s family (his mum’s maiden surname as we were running short of male family first names that we liked), and my mum’s dad
  • (a girl) my husband’s mum’s mum, and my dad’s mum

which I realise looking at it seems overly complicated but in short each name has something from each side of the family and my dad is the only baby’s grandparent represented but that’s because he died when I was a child. My sister who has more girls used my mum’s name as a middle name for one of hers.

Genevieva · 24/08/2023 19:27

Best to leave it, but if there are any Js on your side (your mother or grandmothers' Christian names or middle names, aunts etc) then you might mention it!

fedupnow2 · 24/08/2023 19:34

I would be extremely hurt and I would let her know. That is such an awful thing to do. You know this will come up in that their J names will be talked or commented on and each child will explain the relevance and you will be sticking out like a sore thumb. That is so humiliating for you op. I think your dd is terrible for doing this.

Namechangedforthis25 · 24/08/2023 19:35

I would be upset although they aren’t trying to hurt you

that said their reason is rubbish and so I would say something to let them know how hurtful they are being

SnowWhiteAndTheTwoKids · 24/08/2023 19:36

NotQuiteHere · 24/08/2023 10:31

Maybe they just like the other three names for their children and are not particularly keen on the OP's name?

I would agree with "taking step back" if it means stopping worrying about unimportant things. Cutting off childcare because of the silly naming thing is childishly stupid.

Show quote history

Yup, this! What is your name OP? I'd pick a good grandparent name like Jemima, James or Josephine but if your name is Sharon or Cindy then that's probably your answer.

sheworemellowyellow · 24/08/2023 19:39

Aw, you sound lovely OP, and a bit like my mum as a grandma! I can see why you’d be upset. I wonder if it’s because you see your DD and these GDC as part of your ever-extending family, part of you and your DH’s family - whereas your DD and her DH see the four DC as their family. You’re sort of adjunct family! I think I’m guilty of this myself to an extent. We obvs love our parents (the grandparents) dearly, but we feel our family lives start with us. The grandparents are a loved and important (especially to their GDC!) part of our family. But they’re not the heads of our family. We are. The kids are our responsibility, and we feel rights and responsibilities commensurately.

Does that make sense? Perhaps that’s why the J theme takes priority over the grandparent theme? (Have to say, it still sounds a bit harsh to me, they’ve kind of dug themselves into a hole with the J thing over the past 9 years….)

KezzabellaB · 24/08/2023 19:39

I'd be very upset. And I'm afraid I'd have to say something to my DD because otherwise it would just be on my mind constantly

maddiemookins16mum · 24/08/2023 19:43

I’d be quietly upset too.

Original poster
2408username · 24/08/2023 19:47

I might slightly mention it if it comes up again but really don't want to cause any bad feelings or make her feel really bad before having the baby just for my own sake as their happiness is actually the most important thing to me and I wasn't lying when I said that to her but I am just a bit upset but I think I can deal with it as even if she knows it probably won't change anything as like some people have said I wouldn't want her to do it to just keep me happy I'd rather it's the name they actually do want, 2 middle names wouldn't make her happy she wouldn't want one having 2 and not the others. I just wanted to see if I was unreasonable and it's nice to know I'm not and I think that helps me just move forward from it really. I dont think I will hold any bad feelings over it but I do hope it is never awkward later on if the names ever do get discussed and people wonder why I wasn't used like I wasn't worth being honoured but the other grandparents were Sad

My name is Alice it's timeless in my opinion but yes so are the other names used. This time baby's middle name (her husbands grandmother) is Juliet and is very pretty.

Yes I wouldn't cut down on the help I give to her or the time I spend with them all and I don't think she has done this as a representation of what she thinks of me and the lack of appreciation she has, I just don't. I love them all dearly and the time I spend with them is what I live for!

OP posts:
AlmostAJillSandwich · 24/08/2023 19:54

Well, someone was going to be left out, if it wasn't you, it would have been DH's grandmother. It does make sense they want to continue the J name trend so chose that name.
They are not unreasonable, even if they didnt use her name and still didnt use yours, maybe one or both of them just doesn't like it, and both parents need to agree on the name.

Decorhate · 24/08/2023 19:57

Alice is such a lovely name! I’d have happily had it as my daughter’s middle name (but it wouldn’t go with her first name).

OhLookIveChangedMyNameAgain · 24/08/2023 20:01

@2408username You sound such a lovely mum, maybe too nice for your own good. And I agree with the pp, Alice is a lovely name, I would have used it in your daughters shoes.

saraclara · 24/08/2023 20:07

My late DH and I deliberately didn't use our parents names for either of our children, one of the several reasons being that we didn't want to hurt the feelings of any that didn't get chosen. I love my late MIL's name, but we didn't use it.

But yes, had my DD made the decision that yours has, I admit that I'd feel pretty sad.

Grumpy101 · 24/08/2023 20:15

YANBU to be a bit miffed. It's a bit shitty of them. Not much you can do about it unfortunately.

Itsjustmeee · 24/08/2023 20:28

My Stepdaughter gave her baby my name😂 it’s a very gender neutral name easily used for a boy or a girl and although you could spell it differently for a boy or a girl most people don’t

My name is actually spelt really differently although its pronounced exactly the same - only ever come across. 2-3 people with my exact spelling of my name

God the shit it called with her mum - my DH ex wife was unreal 😂 and I wasn’t even the other woman
but it’s like I’m public enemy No 1

She went absolutely batshit crazy about 😂