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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset all grandparent names have been used but mine?

234 replies

2408username · 24/08/2023 08:40

I get I might be massively unreasonable here and I just want to say that I have never said this to anyone and is just me seeing if my feelings are outrageous or most would feel the same way. I have changed my username as well by the way.

I have 3 lovely grandchildren all from my only child (my daughter). They are due their 4th and final and we are obviously all overjoyed and I love that we have a bigger family now as I was only able to have the 1.

They first had 2 boys and their first had DH's first name as a middle name, their 2nd had her husband's dad's, their 3rd was their first daughter and did give her DH's mum's name as the middle name. They are having a 2nd daughter and I must admit, I did think it would maybe be my name as her middle name. None of our names are outrageous or particularly old fashioned/bad in any way and I am very, very close to them all and the main person for childcare if and when they need.

My daughter told me the name they have decided on and the middle name is her DH's grandmother's name and she did specifically say to me that it would have been most fair/nice to use my name but she wanted them to all keep the middle names starting with J (all names do start with J and mine doesn't) both her and her husband's name also begin with J... the children don't have J first names just to clarify.

AIBU to be a bit upset by this?

OP posts:
Original poster
2408username · 24/08/2023 10:16

To be fair I'm not sure it is a case of her husband deciding on 3/4 of the names and would more so be from DD wanting the matching I think. The first baby was always going to have the middle name being mine or my husband's name and I do wonder if my parent's had J names that would have maybe been used vs his grandmother's. She has always been allowed to have names she prefers as first names because son in law has always said she went through the birth and it's the least he can honour. He is a lovely man and I have nothing against him or think it was him pushing for more of his family names to be used over mine.

She has nothing diagnosed and is NT

OP posts:
kweeble · 24/08/2023 10:16

Just be grateful for your lovely grandchildren. Names are very personal and if they really liked yours they’d have used it. You didn’t choose it yourself so try to take the offence out of it. At least your daughter tried to explain her reasoning even if it seems off to you.

SecondhandSalute · 24/08/2023 10:17

Honestly I think the ‘naming after grandparents’ thing is pretty nearly as silly as the ‘matching J’ thing, and liable, in this case, to lead to far more hurt feelings and drama.

(This is reminding me of some HP YouTuber who does skits based on the series, and there’s a hilarious one of all the past Heads of Hogwarts portraits bragging about the next generation’s children being named after them, and poor McGonagle getting all excited when Harry and Ginny have a daughter she thinks might get Minerva as a middle name…

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 24/08/2023 10:18

BananaSpanner · 24/08/2023 09:22

I think your husband should have a quiet, non confrontational word with her just to let her know that you have found it a bit upsetting. You could do it yourself but could lead to awkwardness.

Although if they changed their minds only because of this then I suppose it would take the sentiment out of it anyway.

It’s sad that she chose a matching letter over including you in the grandparent honouring.

I tend to agree with this. I know I would if my DD hurt my DH'S feelings.
It's lovely to be so involved with your family, I have 3 DGC too but it might be the case because they know you're so amenable it's Oh Mum won't mind! You can be your own worse enemy really by acting OK with it. You're not and I wouldn't be either. I hope it's all resolved soon.

Hooplahooping · 24/08/2023 10:18

Haven’t read whole thread. But I wonder. Are you close to your daughter?

I’m pretty close to my lovely mum - and I would feel really strange using her name for one of my children. That’s her, my ma.

that was one of the reasons we chose not to use any family names actually!

YANBU - but I think it reflects well on you that you’re venting / discussing it elsewhere vs making it a big deal with your daughter. And you sound rationally hurt rather than bitter. It sucks to feel disappointed about family things. It’s an our choice how we manage that disappointment - A++ parenting.

Clefable · 24/08/2023 10:19

I think it's a bit off too. DD1 has DH's mum's name as a middle name as she died before we met, but there was never any question that if we had a a second DD, she would have my mum's name (and we did have a second DD, she has my mum's name as a middle name and my mum died a year after she was born, so I'm doubly glad we did it). I think if you're going to use family names at all, and I do really like family names rather than generic/random middle names with no meaning, then you have to be fair about it.

JudgeJ · 24/08/2023 10:19

PatchworkElmer · 24/08/2023 09:44

YANBU, I’d be gutted. Happy to call on your for childcare but acknowledging all grandparents but you with the children’s names? Prioritising a ridiculous ‘J’ rule over doing what your daughter clearly knows is the right thing? Awful.

Hopefully the OP will scale back on the childcare and let the favoured family do the majority.

SealHouse · 24/08/2023 10:20

Sasha19052 · 24/08/2023 09:38

YANBU, I would be upset too.

But more upset I think at realising what a shallow daughter I had.

One that would prefer my feelings to be overlooked/ hurt as long as the same alphabet letter was used.

This.

NoSquirrels · 24/08/2023 10:21

There’s nothing stopping them adding your name in addition to the J name. Plenty of people have 2 middle names.

Iknowthis1 · 24/08/2023 10:26

I would be upset too.

spitefulandbadgrammar · 24/08/2023 10:27

I think the matching J names is silly but I also think a “grandparents theme” is silly. Would you have felt hurt if they’d stopped at three children or had a boy, in which case your name still wouldn’t be used?

They could be subtly pressured to add your name as a second middle name but then I think you might also feel a bit “it’s only there because I made a fuss, not because they wanted to” – which may be the crux. You want your daughter to have considered this herself, and she hasn’t. That can’t be made good by changing the baby’s name – but perhaps by the whole family recognising they take you for granted. Change that, not your daughter’s choice of name.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 24/08/2023 10:27

I think people who are advocating stepping back and not helping out are being ridiculous. You don't sideline your family because someone has hurt your feelings once. @2408username loves her family and wants to be involved in their lives. I do think DD should know how she feels though either directly or via DH as I've said above.

Floraltears · 24/08/2023 10:27

When I read your first post, my first thought was that I bet you do the most and your update confirms this.

because you do the most, they take you for granted, it is hurtful, it wouldn’t have hurt them to give the child two middle names to include yours.

maybe scale back a bit just to let them see how much you do- it doesn’t hurt to let them see how much you help out and that it affects them if you don’t.

Travelwith · 24/08/2023 10:29

Like others, I think it is really sad that she chooses a letter pattern over honouring her mother. I’d feel very sad too about all the other grandparents getting a look in, but not me. I think getting your husband to have a quiet word is a good idea.

rainbowstardrops · 24/08/2023 10:30

Oh that's really shitty of them and I'd be upset too. Mind you, when your daughter asked if you were ok with their name choices, you shouldn't have said you were fine with it.
You say you're incredibly close, so I'd mention it gently to be honest. Couldn't they use two middle names?

NotQuiteHere · 24/08/2023 10:31

Whinge · 24/08/2023 10:09

And that's fine, but OPs daughter and her partner clearly don't. Or else they wouldn't have used the other 3 grandparents names.

YANBU OP, it's incredibly hurtful of her and I think taking a step back would be a good idea.

Show quote history

Maybe they just like the other three names for their children and are not particularly keen on the OP's name?

I would agree with "taking step back" if it means stopping worrying about unimportant things. Cutting off childcare because of the silly naming thing is childishly stupid.

LookItsMeAgain · 24/08/2023 10:32

I'm one of a number of siblings and I know that my middle names were taken from my Dad's side of the family and I personally really dislike them. I just know that if I had been given names on a theme with my siblings, as soon as it would be possible to do so, I'd be straight down to the court house to change my name by deed poll, I really would. I'd love to know if my siblings would be similar but I was the youngest and I was always referred to in order of age from my eldest sibling to eventually me, so for example if my name was Laura, I would be called "Mary, Sarah, Alice, Peter, Laura" or just by one of my sibling's names (names have been changed here).

You're not wrong to be upset but you could have a bit of fun with it...see how loyal they are to the middle name being J or whatever by saying that you're writing into your will that the first grandchild who changes their name by themselves to yours will get an extra special mention in the will...not saying there would be any money in it but you could test the waters to see just how attached they really are to their 'theme'.

spitefulandbadgrammar · 24/08/2023 10:35

On the having fun with it theme, insist they start calling you jrandma.

Tlolljs · 24/08/2023 10:36

It is upsetting. None of my dgc have my name. 5 boys 2 girls.
I wouldn’t mind so much if two of them didn’t have ex’s name as a middle name.
His is fashionable again now whereas mine isn’t.

BreatheAndFocus · 24/08/2023 10:37

I’d be upset too. Although the reason has been explained to you, it’s a silly, trivial reason compared to the hurt caused by missing out one grandparent.

Surely if they wanted all J names, they’d have realised at the beginning? Why did they say their first DD would have your name as a middle name if they wanted all J names? It sounds like they’ve convinced themselves it somehow cool to have all J names but actually it isn’t. Apart from the hurt to you, it removes the individuality from each child when their name is chosen to fit a pattern.

They should also think how the child will feel as they grow up, being the only one without a grandparent name. As a child, I’d have felt hurt and confused by that and sorry for my GP too, like there was something wrong with her that her name was rejected.

Can they not give the baby two middle names, one the J name, one your name? Your DD sounds thoughtless and/or immature.

Bitsadtoday1 · 24/08/2023 10:39

I don’t think you’re wrong to feel upset at all.

I really loved a middle name for my first daughter which was a pretty name and went really well with her first name. However, it happened to be the name of my auntie (my mum’s sister). I didn’t use it as I didn’t want to hurt mum’s feelings. I’m sure she wouldn’t have ever said anything, just like you won’t, but I still wouldn’t do it.

I get your daughter’s reasoning (personally I think the whole matching letters thing daft, but to each their own) but I do think she’s been inconsiderate here.

Bellaboo01 · 24/08/2023 10:40

2408username · 24/08/2023 09:27

I would have said maybe how much she liked my name was a factor but when she was having her first she said if it was a girl they were using my name as a middle name and if it was a boy they were using my husband's (her dad) and it was a boy. If they had hated it I'm not sure they would have had that as a thing then but obviously I know tastes change and their eldest is 9 but my name is rather timeless

My husband has said to not worry about it and to know how loved I am by them all and that is evident in the fact I am clearly "favourite" and do most with them all and the children will have such fond memories and not need it in their names to know how important I was etc and I know he is just saying that to be nice and it doesn't help much to be honest

I am torn if I say anything to her and maybe she mentioned it to see my reaction and I admit I was very much "if you are happy then I am" so maybe I should have been honest but also felt it wasn't really my place to start dictating what they name their baby!

You are clearly loved by them all. You sound like you are a wonderful Grandma.

It sounds as though they are a bit hung-up in the 'matching initials' etc and if it would have been a girl first then you would have been the name and then it would have followed suit to whatever initial you have.

Just as a side note, but, i thought that it might give you comfort. I have two girls and my Dad choose the middle name for our first and our second my FIL choose that one. Thinking about it now, i would have loved to have given her my Mum's now but, we also sort of went along with a theme!!

My Mum (and also Dad) died recently and i wish my daughter (or me) had her name but, she (and you can) rest assured that she was favourite with all her grandchildren and is missed every day. None of her 10 grandchildren had her name but, she was the most important person to them all. I think we all just expected her to know how loved and important she was/is to us and i guarantee that your daughter is just the same.

Takemethere · 24/08/2023 10:45

I would tell her how you feel, next time she brings baby's name up in conversation.
If, however, you want an 'excuse' to then tell her how you feel but want an easy way to start the conversation, then you need to go quiet when she next mentions baby's name and when she asks why, you can explain how you feel

Hibiscrubbed · 24/08/2023 10:46

Your feelings are valid, whatever they are. There’s nothing you can do, but I think lots of us would feel the same.

Whatswhatwhichiswhich · 24/08/2023 10:49

I’d find that really hurtful