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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset all grandparent names have been used but mine?

234 replies

2408username · 24/08/2023 08:40

I get I might be massively unreasonable here and I just want to say that I have never said this to anyone and is just me seeing if my feelings are outrageous or most would feel the same way. I have changed my username as well by the way.

I have 3 lovely grandchildren all from my only child (my daughter). They are due their 4th and final and we are obviously all overjoyed and I love that we have a bigger family now as I was only able to have the 1.

They first had 2 boys and their first had DH's first name as a middle name, their 2nd had her husband's dad's, their 3rd was their first daughter and did give her DH's mum's name as the middle name. They are having a 2nd daughter and I must admit, I did think it would maybe be my name as her middle name. None of our names are outrageous or particularly old fashioned/bad in any way and I am very, very close to them all and the main person for childcare if and when they need.

My daughter told me the name they have decided on and the middle name is her DH's grandmother's name and she did specifically say to me that it would have been most fair/nice to use my name but she wanted them to all keep the middle names starting with J (all names do start with J and mine doesn't) both her and her husband's name also begin with J... the children don't have J first names just to clarify.

AIBU to be a bit upset by this?

OP posts:
Pr1mr0se · 24/08/2023 10:51

You are not being unreasonable to be upset.

If they want to keep the J as a middle name for all of their children, fair enough.

I wouldn't make a bit thing of it. However strange that if you daughter registered that you might be upset by their choice that you didn't discuss it with her. Maybe she would agree to add your name as a second middle name...or maybe there is a dodge acronym they are trying to avoid!

NeedTheSeaside · 24/08/2023 10:51

OhLookIveChangedMyNameAgain · 24/08/2023 09:39

I would be upset in your shoes too, especially seen as it sounds like you are very active in their lives and not just a background Grandma.
I think this is the danger with using names from within the family - it does give the vibe that they are picking their favourite people to honour, and then people end up with hurt feelings. Your daughter isn’t being fair to you at all and I think I would have to ask her why she has used all the grandparents names apart from yours, it’s beyond thoughtless when she has 4 children.

@OhLookIveChangedMyNameAgain

why would you ask why, when you've already been told?!?!

They say they want the kids to have 'J' middle names as they both have J first names

i think their idea is crap, but the OP has been told why!

@2408username I'd be hurt too. Especially after her saying if DC was a girl her middle name would be yours. It seems like the J's just happened because of the birth order, then they noticed, thought it was 'cute' & now don't want to deviate from that. If DC 4 hadn't come along (3 were planned) it wouldn't have been an issue. Or, as you say, if it was to be a boy.

i don't think they've set out to hurt you and I don't think it was planned, I think the j's is a bit stupid and it's not like people are going to see their reasoning unless they explain it. I think they should use your name, but it's their (daft) decision.

maybe you could say to DD that you thought she was telling you their decision and so you said you were fine with it, because you didn't think it was your place to influence them, but actually you're quite upset by it & if she was 'sounding you out', not telling You wanted her to know how you feel. You could also point out tgat people will only notice the J middle name thing if she explains it.

or you could change your name to a J name & see what happens then!!

(joking, but it would be funny)

the most important thing is the memories you create with you GC.

i think your husband is telling the truth, not just trying to make you feel better.

JustHereWithMyPopcorn · 24/08/2023 10:53

YANBU i would also be upset. If she has taken her DH's surname their side of the family is already represented in the names so it would seem appropriate that you might be included in there. As others have said though, you can't say anything to them about it.

martinisforeveryone · 24/08/2023 11:01

Crunchymum · 24/08/2023 09:15

Surely if she's so set on having a theme for their middle names then the theme should be grandparents? 😕

Exactly.

All the same letter is very Kardashian or Rooney isn't it.

I'd be hurt because it seems like deliberate exclusion. If you use grandparents' names I think you have to treat everyone equally or know you're going to cause offence or upset. It's for this reason we didn't use any family names and neither has our DC.

Your daughter may have explained it away to her own satisfaction OP, but surely she can see that using three grandparents' names and not the fourth, when there's an opportunity to do so, is going to hurt your feelings, when your name is a perfectly reasonable one. Perhaps you should offer to change your name to one beginning with J? 😆

Rowen32 · 24/08/2023 11:04

2408username · 24/08/2023 08:40

I get I might be massively unreasonable here and I just want to say that I have never said this to anyone and is just me seeing if my feelings are outrageous or most would feel the same way. I have changed my username as well by the way.

I have 3 lovely grandchildren all from my only child (my daughter). They are due their 4th and final and we are obviously all overjoyed and I love that we have a bigger family now as I was only able to have the 1.

They first had 2 boys and their first had DH's first name as a middle name, their 2nd had her husband's dad's, their 3rd was their first daughter and did give her DH's mum's name as the middle name. They are having a 2nd daughter and I must admit, I did think it would maybe be my name as her middle name. None of our names are outrageous or particularly old fashioned/bad in any way and I am very, very close to them all and the main person for childcare if and when they need.

My daughter told me the name they have decided on and the middle name is her DH's grandmother's name and she did specifically say to me that it would have been most fair/nice to use my name but she wanted them to all keep the middle names starting with J (all names do start with J and mine doesn't) both her and her husband's name also begin with J... the children don't have J first names just to clarify.

AIBU to be a bit upset by this?

Honestly, it sounds to me like your husband wants all names from his family used and the J thing is just an excuse.

aSofaNearYou · 24/08/2023 11:05

I'd be hurt because it seems like deliberate exclusion. If you use grandparents' names I think you have to treat everyone equally or know you're going to cause offence or upset. It's for this reason we didn't use any family names and neither has our DC.

I think it's fine to use one grandparents name and not the others. It's when it's three out of the four like in this case that it seems like a snub.

OhHolyMoly · 24/08/2023 11:06

Haven’t RTFT.

Honestly, just allow yourself to be a tiny bit upset by this, and then actively move on.

I’m not always an advocate of cherishing what you have as an antidote to what you don’t, but this is TINY in the scheme of things.

You have a lovely DD and SIL and will soon have four happy, healthy DGC. This is more than some people could ever dream of and is objectively absolutely wonderful.

I’ve always been sad to be an only child myself… loads of friends, but never had a child called after me, no godchildren, no blood nieces and nephews. I am however thankful for the wonderful friends and in-laws that I have.

MachineBee · 24/08/2023 11:07

Not unreasonable to be upset OP.

If the baby hasn’t arrived yet, they could still change their name.

I was fixed on a particular name for my first until a couple of weeks before she arrived and then I saw a film where a character with my favoured name was awful and it put me off.

My now DH and his Ex changed their mind when their firstborn arrived as ‘the baby just didn’t suit the name they’d picked’.

Im sure your DD will know you are a bit hurt by this as you are close, so she could still change her mind about the J theme.

CrapBucket · 24/08/2023 11:09

I would be secretly hurt too. And think they should be creative. Let’s say your name is Brenda, surely they could call the baby

Lily Janet Brenda Smith

or Lily Jenda Smith

MarshmaIIow · 24/08/2023 11:15

I can’t stand the thing of using family names, always seemed naff, and I say that as someone who was given a grandmother’s name for my middle name.

I do, however, love a letter theme, and my children and I all have matching middle initials (their father doesn’t have a middle name).

That said, as they have done three out of four GPs so far, it does seem harsh that the initial theme is more important to them than making you feel not left out. Though ultimately, because I too like our matching initials, and J especially is a good letter, I see their point.
I’m also a fan of a good sibset match, and many others aren’t. So I can see the appeal of:
John J Smith
Peter J Smith
Sarah J Smith
and how
Kate K Smith doesn’t look like part of the team.

Ultimately what matters most is your relationship with them all, not a name.

DailyMaui · 24/08/2023 11:18

I used both my grandparent's names for my two. I loved my grandad's name and it was always going to be a middle name for my son. When I had my daughter I knew that my gran would be upset if we'd used his and not hers. So my daughter has two middle names - one that I wanted and my gran's name. Luckily it was a lovely name so no issues.

We did not carry on the middle name tradition from my husband's family as it sounds like you're swearing. Obvs different in his original language but he was agreed that he'e the last xxxx in the family!

jumphopskip · 24/08/2023 11:19

It's not exactly the same circumstance but DD's middle name begins with quite an unusual letter, although it's not a family name. I'm expecting a second DD (who will most likely be our last child) and we've chosen a middle name we like beginning with same letter as DD1's. It feels nice that it will be a bit of a link between the two of them, but in a low key way as the two middle names are very different despite starting with the same letter.

The reason I share this is that I felt this approach was quite nice and I think (I hope!) that I'm quite a sensible / pragmatic person. It might be that the J thing just feels more important to your DD in the context of her DC as a group. I do get though why it would still feel hurtful in the circumstances you've set out.

MrsMarzetti · 24/08/2023 11:22

My Grandchildren do not have my name but one has my Mums name and i am fine with that but in your case i would be upset. Even your daughter knows that it is very hurtful.

Seashor · 24/08/2023 11:30

I’d be terribly upset and I would say something. We used family members names as first names for our children and both of those people she’d tears, they were humbled and overwhelmed. These things matter.

Seashor · 24/08/2023 11:31

Shed not she’d!

Gothambutnotahamster · 24/08/2023 11:31

OhHolyMoly · 24/08/2023 11:06

Haven’t RTFT.

Honestly, just allow yourself to be a tiny bit upset by this, and then actively move on.

I’m not always an advocate of cherishing what you have as an antidote to what you don’t, but this is TINY in the scheme of things.

You have a lovely DD and SIL and will soon have four happy, healthy DGC. This is more than some people could ever dream of and is objectively absolutely wonderful.

I’ve always been sad to be an only child myself… loads of friends, but never had a child called after me, no godchildren, no blood nieces and nephews. I am however thankful for the wonderful friends and in-laws that I have.

Edited

I would be upset & feel hurt by it, however i agree with the above.

Cherish what you have and move on (hoping you can).

Wimpod · 24/08/2023 11:34

Yanbu really.

I still feel a little guilty for one of the grandparents, because we have 3 kids so only used 3/4 grandparents names 😳 Didn't really think it through. There is a cousin with their name, so hopefully it balances out for them 😬

If we'd had a 4th kid (not happening no matter how much DC2 and 3 like the idea!) I definitely would have used it. It would have worked out for either sex, or we would have used their surname or something special to them.

Inyournewdress · 24/08/2023 11:43

I would feel upset too. The J thing is ridiculous, probably no one will ever even notice including the kids.

heartofglass23 · 24/08/2023 11:49

2 middle names?

MrsSkylerWhite · 24/08/2023 11:50

Wouldn’t bother me at all but if you’re upset, can you tell her?

LookItsMeAgain · 24/08/2023 12:04

@MarshmaIIow - though your kids that you're putting into this naming convention may not want it, in years to come when they actually have their own voice.
Every one is unique, so why not embrace the uniqueness by calling people by names that they might want to be called had they been given the opportunity?

RudsyFarmer · 24/08/2023 12:06

They are picking family ‘J’ names. It’s as simple as that.

rolvus · 24/08/2023 12:12

BiIIie · 24/08/2023 08:45

I wouldnt be upset no, because their reasoning makes sense to them. Middle names are never used anyway.

I agree with this to be honest. I really wouldn't have given it a second thought. It's just a name. And it makes sense to them that they wanted them all to start with a J.

becarefulofyourheart · 24/08/2023 12:15

It says a lot for you that your daughter believes you wouldn’t be bothered. You must be pretty easy-going, as well as doing lots of childcare! That doesn’t make it less hurtful to be omitted though.

As other PPs have said it’s a pity, cos it’s not like you can ask. You could jokingly offer to change your name to Jane😜

We proposed to use MIL and DM’s names as our DD’s middle names but slightly tweaked (put together as they are it all sounded a bit disjointed). My mother-in-law didn’t like the proposal and said ‘we needn’t bother on her account’ so we took her at her word. My mum laughed when I told her and said sod it just call the baby something completely her own. I’d have liked my DD to have my mum’s name but I didn’t want it to be a thing with MIL so in the end we left them both out -I regret it now. That said, DD does have a name which is one letter away from my mum’s dad’s name and she often talks about how nice that is to say and hear, so it’s not a total disaster.

I know that’s not the case here but I suspect your daughter has just prioritised her own logic and hasn’t considered what non-inclusion feels like to you. It’s funny how it goes because you must be very important to her and the DGC. This is what happens sometimes when you’re the one everyone depends on, innit, people sometimes forget you’ve got feelings a wee bit.

Rainbowqueeen · 24/08/2023 12:22

I’d be really upset too.

They have essentially changed the reason for choosing the DCs middle names. No doubt you have been anticipating for sone time that your band would be used, which only adds to the feeling of being let down.

I can see it being an issue as the children grow up and struggle to understand why you have been left out. If I was a family member/ family friend I would find it most odd and it would change how I felt about your DD and her husband that they would behave in such a shallow and hurtful way.