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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset all grandparent names have been used but mine?

234 replies

2408username · 24/08/2023 08:40

I get I might be massively unreasonable here and I just want to say that I have never said this to anyone and is just me seeing if my feelings are outrageous or most would feel the same way. I have changed my username as well by the way.

I have 3 lovely grandchildren all from my only child (my daughter). They are due their 4th and final and we are obviously all overjoyed and I love that we have a bigger family now as I was only able to have the 1.

They first had 2 boys and their first had DH's first name as a middle name, their 2nd had her husband's dad's, their 3rd was their first daughter and did give her DH's mum's name as the middle name. They are having a 2nd daughter and I must admit, I did think it would maybe be my name as her middle name. None of our names are outrageous or particularly old fashioned/bad in any way and I am very, very close to them all and the main person for childcare if and when they need.

My daughter told me the name they have decided on and the middle name is her DH's grandmother's name and she did specifically say to me that it would have been most fair/nice to use my name but she wanted them to all keep the middle names starting with J (all names do start with J and mine doesn't) both her and her husband's name also begin with J... the children don't have J first names just to clarify.

AIBU to be a bit upset by this?

OP posts:
YourNameGoesHere · 24/08/2023 09:04

AuntieMarys · 24/08/2023 08:59

Personally it wouldn't bother me at all. It's not a tradition we have in our family...I've never used a parent/ grandparents name for my children.

Yes but you're only saying it wouldn't bother you because you've not found yourself in that situation. If someone in your family like your child had used grandparent names and used all but 1 out of 4 then it probably would bother you.

Let's be honest here she's not chosen the other 3 names because they begin with J she's chosen them because they are the names of the grandparents, making up the silly they all have to match with a J seems contrived and a deliberate way of excluding the OP. I suspect if her name began with a J she still wouldn't be using it.

SpunkyGibbon · 24/08/2023 09:06

That's really hurtful, I'd be upset too

MiniEggsAllYear · 24/08/2023 09:06

Totally get why you're upset. It does seem strange that all four middle names are after her husbands side. In a strange way I do understand her reasoning about the J name thing, although it's not something I'd do myself. Could it also be maybe that she has a lot of choice over the first names, hence why it's all husbands side middle names?
I put so much thought into my kids middle names and I can guarantee nobody outside of immediate family even remembers their middle names now! They're never used.

Kanelsnegl · 24/08/2023 09:06

My grandparents did the whole everyone starts with M, so they both did, all their three sons did and their children all did as well. Until me. I'm the youngest and the only one with no m as first letter. When I was younger I noticed it and thought it was odd I wasn't part of the tradition but now I couldn't care less.
But aye they might be worried the new one would feel left out. Though bit short sighted given they know your name doesn't start with a j to then choose all yhe other names and I totally get why its hurtful

MillicentTrilbyHiggins · 24/08/2023 09:06

I'd be upset too.

littleboymama · 24/08/2023 09:07

You’re not being unreasonable at all

When we were choosing our sons middle name, myself and DH quite liked the thought of using FIL’s name as it went well with the first name we had chosen.

But I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t do that knowing it would probably upset my dad. Maybe it wouldn’t of upset him, but I didn’t want to risk any upset.

I’m not really sure what to suggest. I think your feelings are valid but at the same time I don’t think there’s much you can do x

DuploTrain · 24/08/2023 09:08

Yes I’d be upset. And your DD has obviously considered that it would be upsetting hence the explanation.

Iwasafool · 24/08/2023 09:08

I think when you are the "go to person" for help/childcare or whatever you can be taken for granted. Not sure if that's what's happening here. It does seem like you are being excluded. I've got 7 GC and none have my name and some do have other GPs or GGPs but it isn't as clear as excluding as yours is.

Original poster
2408username · 24/08/2023 09:11

My husband (her dad)'s name has been used for their first son so it isn't just his side of the family to be fair. Yes all the names used are just usual J names that are rather timeless, mine is timeless but not a J name. I'm glad she did mention it straight away when she told me the name as it's clear even she does see it might be hurtful but then I do wonder why the J thing is more important but then she can be a bit funny with things in order etc although this feels a bit different.

I am so glad my feelings aren't completely irrational though as I like to think I'm definitely not that type of mother to her and grandmother to her children and I certainly do not think it should be about me and I would never have expected her to name her children after us but just in this case where they have been for the other grandparents it felt a bit hurtful especially when I do the most for them and feel the closest to them out of all the grandparents

OP posts:
dottiedodah · 24/08/2023 09:12

TBH I think names are such a personal thing . As you have such a close RL with them all ,then I would not worry about it overly.We have 2 middle names for DS.As one we really liked ,and one to honour my Dad who died when I was a child . Just relax and enjoy your new grandchild!

Crunchymum · 24/08/2023 09:15

Surely if she's so set on having a theme for their middle names then the theme should be grandparents? 😕

Wrongsideofpennines · 24/08/2023 09:16

I think you're not unreasonable to be upset. It does seem a bit unfair to have all the other grandparents honoured but not you, regardless of the initial.

I suppose what would they have done if baby 4 was a boy? Presumably just chosen a J name they liked.

OhmygodDont · 24/08/2023 09:18

I mean it’s just an excuse isn’t it but some people are weird over name letterings. A family members husband and all their children share the exact same like R,E,D they all match its bizarre.

I’d just either let it go or tell her it hurts and then let it go.

Marmighty · 24/08/2023 09:19

I’m not surprised you’re upset. The J thing is ridiculous, as others are right that no one really cares about middle names beyond the immediate family, and it belittles the using of the other grandparents names to supposedly honour them. I’m surprised none of the other grandparents have pointed this out to them to be honest, you shouldn’t have to. Does your daughters father know how upset you are?

Original poster
2408username · 24/08/2023 09:20

I will be honest I think they were probably hoping it wouldn't be another girl so this didn't come up and that is why they just kept going with the J names before without worrying too much especially as they had planned to only have the 3 originally but then changed their mind when they moved house but probably hoped it wasn't another girl. I'm probably being unfair now as maybe they just didn't think that far into it at all but not sure as know my DD is the type to think 4 children ahead when she is only on the 1st one type thing!

I will definitely enjoy my lovely new granddaughter when she arrives I love them all to pieces and they're such blessings!

The grandchildren are not baptised/christened

OP posts:
Codlingmoths · 24/08/2023 09:21

Do you think it’s a j thing? Or maybe she doesn’t love your name and can’t bring herself to say that? I am fortunate to have the same middle name as my mil so I am able to say that I do not really like it and make that more about me than about her, so she knows I’d never use it! But her mum was Gwendoline and I think that’s lovely so would happily use it if another grandchild didn’t already have it. I love both my mums name and middle name which would look very biased if I used both, but would just be me choosing names I like.

aSofaNearYou · 24/08/2023 09:22

Crunchymum · 24/08/2023 09:15

Surely if she's so set on having a theme for their middle names then the theme should be grandparents? 😕

This. Some people are obsessed with names working as a "set" but she's daft to think "J names" is a better theme than "all our beloved grandparents".

BananaSpanner · 24/08/2023 09:22

I think your husband should have a quiet, non confrontational word with her just to let her know that you have found it a bit upsetting. You could do it yourself but could lead to awkwardness.

Although if they changed their minds only because of this then I suppose it would take the sentiment out of it anyway.

It’s sad that she chose a matching letter over including you in the grandparent honouring.

Bandyarsia · 24/08/2023 09:22

I think it is the stupidest excuse ever. It has to be a J name! I would be really hurt too OP.

BarbaraV · 24/08/2023 09:23

I would be upset.

Original poster
2408username · 24/08/2023 09:23

I do agree it seemed more "off of a theme" to not do the last one as a grandparent as surely the theme is grandparents and that's what makes them match. I did think that at the time but didn't want to say it because she mentioned how the middle name Js go with her and her husband's first name Js.

I assume if baby had been a boy they would have picked another J family name there is lots of them strangely. I never thought about how many J names there is in the family trees until now! She has said she would always have family names in the middle

OP posts:
ticketstickets · 24/08/2023 09:26

I think its very hurtful, and when the kids are old enough they might question why your name wasn't used. Either they will think you must have been (secretly) horrible, or that their parents are idiots for doing this.

aSofaNearYou · 24/08/2023 09:26

2408username · 24/08/2023 09:23

I do agree it seemed more "off of a theme" to not do the last one as a grandparent as surely the theme is grandparents and that's what makes them match. I did think that at the time but didn't want to say it because she mentioned how the middle name Js go with her and her husband's first name Js.

I assume if baby had been a boy they would have picked another J family name there is lots of them strangely. I never thought about how many J names there is in the family trees until now! She has said she would always have family names in the middle

Is she ND somehow? She seems more interested in fitting things into neat patterns and boxes than the actual sentiment behind them.

ticketstickets · 24/08/2023 09:27

I don't understand why a family would prefer a 3rd boy over a second daughter...unless it is some other culture where boys are generally greatly preferred.

Original poster
2408username · 24/08/2023 09:27

I would have said maybe how much she liked my name was a factor but when she was having her first she said if it was a girl they were using my name as a middle name and if it was a boy they were using my husband's (her dad) and it was a boy. If they had hated it I'm not sure they would have had that as a thing then but obviously I know tastes change and their eldest is 9 but my name is rather timeless

My husband has said to not worry about it and to know how loved I am by them all and that is evident in the fact I am clearly "favourite" and do most with them all and the children will have such fond memories and not need it in their names to know how important I was etc and I know he is just saying that to be nice and it doesn't help much to be honest

I am torn if I say anything to her and maybe she mentioned it to see my reaction and I admit I was very much "if you are happy then I am" so maybe I should have been honest but also felt it wasn't really my place to start dictating what they name their baby!

OP posts: