to be upset all grandparent names have been used but mine?

[2408username]

I get I might be massively unreasonable here and I just want to say that I have never said this to anyone and is just me seeing if my feelings are outrageous or most would feel the same way. I have changed my username as well by the way.

I have 3 lovely grandchildren all from my only child (my daughter). They are due their 4th and final and we are obviously all overjoyed and I love that we have a bigger family now as I was only able to have the 1.

They first had 2 boys and their first had DH's first name as a middle name, their 2nd had her husband's dad's, their 3rd was their first daughter and did give her DH's mum's name as the middle name. They are having a 2nd daughter and I must admit, I did think it would maybe be my name as her middle name. None of our names are outrageous or particularly old fashioned/bad in any way and I am very, very close to them all and the main person for childcare if and when they need.

My daughter told me the name they have decided on and the middle name is her DH's grandmother's name and she did specifically say to me that it would have been most fair/nice to use my name but she wanted them to all keep the middle names starting with J (all names do start with J and mine doesn't) both her and her husband's name also begin with J... the children don't have J first names just to clarify.

AIBU to be a bit upset by this?

J thing is weird

I was all for saying yabu but then saw her reasoning of the "J" names and think she is making the wrong choice. Nothing you can do but yeah I'd be scaling back the baby sitting

I think she will live to regret it in years to come 😔
My mum regretted not using her own (and her mother's - same name) for my middle name. I went without.
It was a lovely name too.

My mum and MIL share the same, rare name. No brainer what we will call a dd.

I think you should say you’re sad, OP. It’s ok to express feelimgs.

Is DGM alive? You could add it now!

I can understand your feelings, but I’d really try to just forget about it. It doesn’t matter at all, compared to the lovely relationships you have.

Yes. I think that’s pretty unkind of DD.

My eldest sister had twin girls. She named one after me (I have a classic name) but didn’t name the other after our other sister, who has a name that’s quite dated, like Sharon (apologies to all the lovely Sharons)

My sister has never got over it and it’s really damaged their relationship, many years later.

Alice Juliet surely...

Exactly!!

You sound such a lovely Mum and grandmother. But I think you should tell your daughter in a non-judgemental way that you feel a little sad that they are not using your name. I'm sure she'd prefer you to be honest.

Before we had children DH and I agreed that our first son would have his name as a middle name and our first daughter would have my name as a middle name. We gave our first son DH's name as a middle name, our second son had my father's name as a middle name. After the christening MIL kicked off and said we should have had FIL's name and could not accept that DS1 had been given a middle name after their side of the family so it ws fair that DS2 had a middle name from my side. They treated DS2 differently to DS1 so when we came to name our daughter I chose to use my Mum, my Nan and my MIL's name for her middle name as they all had the same name (but used different dimunitives.) I only did this to stop MIL kicking off again. It was my decision DH didn't influence me.

Twenty five years later I have to say I regret my choice. As an adoptive mother, I couldn't give her my genes so I wish I had given her my name.

Tell your daughter how you feel so she can make an informed choice when she names her daughter.

YANBU; I’d be very upset and hurt.

Your DD and DSIL don’t sound very bright if they don’t realise what pain this will cause you.

Yes this. I'd be hurt too.

My name is very out of vogue and I wasn’t surprised when it wasn’t used for any of my granddaughters. However, my middle name was used for my first DGD (keeping a family tradition going for eldest daughters as they’ve all had that name) and my eldest DD’s first name was used by her DSiS as a middle name for her first DC. So I feel that names I liked enough for my own DCs have been picked again for my DGDs.

We have used my FIL and my mum's names as middle names for our two kids. If we had 4 kids, 2 of each gender, there's no way in hell we would leave one grandparent out! That is so harsh. Can you talk to your husband about how you feel. If nothing else, surely he's a shoulder to cry on and would understand.

That's sad, really short sighted on their part and what a stupid idea all beginning with J. I'd be very upset too ☹️

I would be over the moon to have one grandchild, never mind four, and to be so involved in their lives. It's completely understandable to feel hurt by this but in the grand scheme of things isn't it more important that you have a good relationship with your daughter and a lovely growing family?

I can understand why you are upset when they used the other 3 names, but please don't take it personally.

We have 2 children, the first has a middle name that wasn't related to anyone in the family, we just liked how it flowed with the first name and surname. Then we had our second child when my own father was seriously unwell and I wanted to give our DS a middle name after my DF, which we did, but also because it flowed well too.

I would be really upset if DH's dad was annoyed we hadn't used his name, or if any of the grandmothers were annoyed we hadn't used their names for our DD.

I think it's nice to use family names somewhere but I don't think it's necessary to use everyone's name to make sure no one feels left out

I would be really upset if DH's dad was annoyed

How controlling, people can feel annoyed if they want to.

Say something. It still grates a bit that my middle name wasn't used for my second GD. Her dead paternal GGM was used instead. I don't see her doing much babysitting etc. In all fairness my DD said that I didn't make it clear at the time that I was bothered, I did what you did. To make it worse, she's my double.

Of course you feel upset it's totally understandable why you might feel hurt in this and those feelings are not unreasonable...however you're response to it does need to be reasonable. For whatever reason, and it is likely not any malicious or intentional reason as you have not stated any relationship difficulties, they have decided to opt for a different name for this child. And as hurtful as it may be, by making a fuss over it to them you may spoil what will likely otherwise be a joyful and lovely experience of your fourth grandchild. Don't let this mar your relationship or joy in the circumstance, of course mention it to other close friends you may have so you can get it off your chest but don't mention it to your daughter. We had a kind of similar debacle where we named our first after my great aunty who had passed, and then used my grandma's name as a middle name for our second (basically so she didn't feel left out not because we particularly loved it) when our third came along we were thinking my other great aunty would be expecting us to use her name as her two sisters had been used but we didn't like the name and I was really worrying about offending her but asbit turned out we had a boy so it didn't matter. Your daughter has probably already been worrying about offending you. Let her know it's OK and that she is within her rights to call her baby whatever she likes and then try your best to let it go. X

I would feel really upset too, so sorry OP. Maybe you could share with her how you feel?

well, the answer is that your name doesn't start with a J. It's dumb, people who do this are weird imho but that is the only reason and it is a very superficial one... that is, it is not chosen out of love for the relative.

She said "upset", not angry.

Controlling would be telling someone that their not allowed to be upset. All that the pp said was that she would be upset/sad IF that was the case. Not that she would confront him about it.

I'd perpetually refer to the child as whatever your name is not with a J in place of the first letter. Bonus points if it turns out something really silly.

This!!! I think your daughter and son in law are being quite insensitive. The kids won’t care about the j think - but they will notice you aren’t in the middle names.

my niece has my middle name. It means a huge amount to me, and her!!!