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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset all grandparent names have been used but mine?

234 replies

2408username · 24/08/2023 08:40

I get I might be massively unreasonable here and I just want to say that I have never said this to anyone and is just me seeing if my feelings are outrageous or most would feel the same way. I have changed my username as well by the way.

I have 3 lovely grandchildren all from my only child (my daughter). They are due their 4th and final and we are obviously all overjoyed and I love that we have a bigger family now as I was only able to have the 1.

They first had 2 boys and their first had DH's first name as a middle name, their 2nd had her husband's dad's, their 3rd was their first daughter and did give her DH's mum's name as the middle name. They are having a 2nd daughter and I must admit, I did think it would maybe be my name as her middle name. None of our names are outrageous or particularly old fashioned/bad in any way and I am very, very close to them all and the main person for childcare if and when they need.

My daughter told me the name they have decided on and the middle name is her DH's grandmother's name and she did specifically say to me that it would have been most fair/nice to use my name but she wanted them to all keep the middle names starting with J (all names do start with J and mine doesn't) both her and her husband's name also begin with J... the children don't have J first names just to clarify.

AIBU to be a bit upset by this?

OP posts:
Original poster
2408username · 24/08/2023 09:28

Well only prefer a 3rd boy for the name reason! They never cared about the gender of their children and didn't have a preference for any reason

OP posts:
Happygerbil · 24/08/2023 09:30

Whoops we've used 2 of DP's relatives' names for our DDs' middle names and none of mine. My mum has a godawful name though and does not mind.

Do understand why you are miffed.

aSofaNearYou · 24/08/2023 09:30

2408username · 24/08/2023 09:27

I would have said maybe how much she liked my name was a factor but when she was having her first she said if it was a girl they were using my name as a middle name and if it was a boy they were using my husband's (her dad) and it was a boy. If they had hated it I'm not sure they would have had that as a thing then but obviously I know tastes change and their eldest is 9 but my name is rather timeless

My husband has said to not worry about it and to know how loved I am by them all and that is evident in the fact I am clearly "favourite" and do most with them all and the children will have such fond memories and not need it in their names to know how important I was etc and I know he is just saying that to be nice and it doesn't help much to be honest

I am torn if I say anything to her and maybe she mentioned it to see my reaction and I admit I was very much "if you are happy then I am" so maybe I should have been honest but also felt it wasn't really my place to start dictating what they name their baby!

I think how you say something makes a big difference. You could have (and still could) say something to her without being really confrontational about it. Just tell her that you totally get that it's their choice and would never have presumed she would name her child after you, but in all honesty the fact they have honoured all the other grandparents but you has left you feeling quite sad.

It's then her choice whether that is more important to her than "J" names.

LakeTiticaca · 24/08/2023 09:33

Why the need for all the "matching"?
Children are individual human beings not 3 piece suites with co-ordinating cushions. I would be quietly peeved, although I've always hated my "plain and functional name" ( cheers mum!!)
Can their new baby not have 3 names?

Mariposista · 24/08/2023 09:35

That's really shitty of her. I wouldn't be able to keep quiet.

TotalOverhaul · 24/08/2023 09:35

I'd be upset especially as you are the main caregiver of all the grandparents. I might say so. Just say - I feel surprisingly upset not to have been honoured in her middle name as all the other grandparents were. especially since you rely on me so much.

SallySunrise · 24/08/2023 09:36

I can see why you'd be upset by that. My 2nd DS has a middle name I really dislike (FIL name) for the simple reason that DS1 has my dad's name as a middle name. It's a bit hurtful that she'd pick the matchy initial over honoring her mum.

Whatmonth · 24/08/2023 09:36

Our youngest grandson has 2 middle names. Husbands and the fathers dad.

Sapphire387 · 24/08/2023 09:36

I think they are being unreasonable. They have started a definite trend in using grandparent names. Using 3/4 and then declining to use the 4th, particularly as you are so involved, is hurtful.

I think you should say something to her.

Sasha19052 · 24/08/2023 09:38

YANBU, I would be upset too.

But more upset I think at realising what a shallow daughter I had.

One that would prefer my feelings to be overlooked/ hurt as long as the same alphabet letter was used.

OhLookIveChangedMyNameAgain · 24/08/2023 09:39

I would be upset in your shoes too, especially seen as it sounds like you are very active in their lives and not just a background Grandma.
I think this is the danger with using names from within the family - it does give the vibe that they are picking their favourite people to honour, and then people end up with hurt feelings. Your daughter isn’t being fair to you at all and I think I would have to ask her why she has used all the grandparents names apart from yours, it’s beyond thoughtless when she has 4 children.

Austrich · 24/08/2023 09:40

Crunchymum · 24/08/2023 09:15

Surely if she's so set on having a theme for their middle names then the theme should be grandparents? 😕

Agreed.

And surely for the kids, the 4th would be more left out by not having a family name than not having a J name?

"Sorry Eliza Joffrey, we decided this random letter was more important than an important woman in your life"

I would be SO hurt, I'm sorry OP.

MrsPositivity1 · 24/08/2023 09:40

Sending you a hug @2408username . I would be upset too

Limer · 24/08/2023 09:41

It does seem rather mean, but your DD has asked you, and you said you were happy, so you'll have to let it go now.

If you could rewind and have that conversation again, you could have pointed out how sad you were that you were the only grandparent left out of the naming pattern.

Absolutelynotfor2019 · 24/08/2023 09:44

Yes I would be quite hurt and would have to speak up !

PatchworkElmer · 24/08/2023 09:44

YANBU, I’d be gutted. Happy to call on your for childcare but acknowledging all grandparents but you with the children’s names? Prioritising a ridiculous ‘J’ rule over doing what your daughter clearly knows is the right thing? Awful.

theleafandnotthetree · 24/08/2023 09:44

I think many of us are guilty of taking our mums for granted in a 'oh mum won't mind' kind of way. It is precisely because you are close, available, helpful, giving that they feel comfortable to do what they are doing. I think it would do no harm at all to gently tell them that you are in fact somewhat hurt by this and that you would like them to reconsider. Apart from this issue, it reminds them that you are a person in your own right, worthy of respect and not just good old mum, good old granny. You need to reframe things a bit, it sounds to me that your presence and support is also at least partly WHY they have the bandwidth to have 4 children (a lot nowadays). Stand up for yourself woman! (Gently and non-confrontatiinally)..

TossacointoHenryCavill · 24/08/2023 09:45

It may also be for a reason that has nothing to do with you that you’re daughter is never going to tell you about. Something like her FIL had an affair with someone with your first name, or her husband was horribly bullied by someone with your name. The J thing might just be a cover story.

Tessisme · 24/08/2023 09:47

I think I would be upset too. It was almost worse that your DD did this knowingly rather than in an unthinking way. The fact she approached you to gauge your reaction suggests that she knew it might hurt you, yet her preference for matching names took precedence. But people do get silly ideas into their heads about their children's names somehow being in synch, as if they will be wandering around in a family herd until the end of time😆 It sounds as though you have a lovely relationship with your grandchildren and, in the end, that's what really matters.

TravellingJack · 24/08/2023 09:47

Both my children have two middle names, after a grandparent on either side. Yes it's a mouthful but yes we do actually use them all sometimes (when they are in trouble usually!).

When I was with ExH and pregnant, it was very much 'these are the family names we will use' from his side. As DS was having his surname and the choice of first name was very contentious, I pushed for two middle names so we each gave an 'honour' middle name. ExMIL's name was truly dreadful so DS is lucky he's a boy!

Years later, when I had DD with DP, we used our mums' names as middle names. Both are lovely so we were lucky! If one had been awful, then we might not have used either...

Can you (or your DH) hint to DD that it would be a shame for their child to not have a grandparent's name, as all their siblings do so they might feel left out when they realise, and perhaps using it as a second middle name after the J name would be a reasonable compromise? E.g. Laura Jane Ruth Surname. I think it would be nice and might work ok - unless your middle name is five syllables!

OTOH, is there any possibility of them thinking it wouldn't be fair to have one child (and the youngest, the baby etc) named after the Favourite Grandparent?

CattingAbout · 24/08/2023 09:47

Yes I'd be upset too OP. We have 2 DC and one has a one of my grandparents ' names as a middle name and the other has DH's grandparent.

LuluBlakey1 · 24/08/2023 09:49

How unusual that your DD, your son-in-law, both of his parents, his grandmother and your DH have names starting with J. Must make family gatherings a bit funny.

I'd feel a bit 'off' about it too.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 24/08/2023 09:49

At the end of the day they can call their baby what they like, of course.

But I would be very Hmm at all that "J" bullshit. I don't think I could summon up anything more enthusiastic than ".....eh.....right..."

pizzaHeart · 24/08/2023 09:50

I think you are not unreasonable at all and your DD should have been more thoughtful. The J thing sounds really daft . I’m sure all normal people think that they are using grandparents names as a middle name. Your DD and her DH have created an obvious pattern themselves. I would tell her that you’re unhappy and it would look strange.

aSofaNearYou · 24/08/2023 09:50

theleafandnotthetree · 24/08/2023 09:44

I think many of us are guilty of taking our mums for granted in a 'oh mum won't mind' kind of way. It is precisely because you are close, available, helpful, giving that they feel comfortable to do what they are doing. I think it would do no harm at all to gently tell them that you are in fact somewhat hurt by this and that you would like them to reconsider. Apart from this issue, it reminds them that you are a person in your own right, worthy of respect and not just good old mum, good old granny. You need to reframe things a bit, it sounds to me that your presence and support is also at least partly WHY they have the bandwidth to have 4 children (a lot nowadays). Stand up for yourself woman! (Gently and non-confrontatiinally)..

We gave DD1 my mum's name as her middle name for this reason - because she's always done so much for everyone, including us, and never really got much recognition. We specifically wanted to honour her for that. DD2 has DP's grandmothers name, as she played a similar role before she passed away.