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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be upset all grandparent names have been used but mine?

234 replies

2408username · 24/08/2023 08:40

I get I might be massively unreasonable here and I just want to say that I have never said this to anyone and is just me seeing if my feelings are outrageous or most would feel the same way. I have changed my username as well by the way.

I have 3 lovely grandchildren all from my only child (my daughter). They are due their 4th and final and we are obviously all overjoyed and I love that we have a bigger family now as I was only able to have the 1.

They first had 2 boys and their first had DH's first name as a middle name, their 2nd had her husband's dad's, their 3rd was their first daughter and did give her DH's mum's name as the middle name. They are having a 2nd daughter and I must admit, I did think it would maybe be my name as her middle name. None of our names are outrageous or particularly old fashioned/bad in any way and I am very, very close to them all and the main person for childcare if and when they need.

My daughter told me the name they have decided on and the middle name is her DH's grandmother's name and she did specifically say to me that it would have been most fair/nice to use my name but she wanted them to all keep the middle names starting with J (all names do start with J and mine doesn't) both her and her husband's name also begin with J... the children don't have J first names just to clarify.

AIBU to be a bit upset by this?

OP posts:

ihadamarveloustime · 24/08/2023 09:52

You get to feel hurt. Those are your feelings and they're reasonable. Especially since all the other grandparents had their names used at some point.

At the same time, it would be unreasonable to demand/expect them to use your name for their children.

Parents get to name their own children, just like you got to name yours. They have their reason (here, matchy-matchy 'J' names), and they get to go with that.

I wouldn't say anything, but if you do feel the need, you can say something along the lines of, 'Just to get it off my chest, I do feel hurt that I'm the only grandparent whose name isn't going to be used, when you originally had planned to use mine if your first had been a girl. At the same time, I understand your reasons and I accept them. They're your children, and you get to name them. I just wanted you to know that it did sting a little, because it's not what I was expecting. But I'll get over it, I love you all more than anything in the world, and I expect myself to move on from this now.'

Hangonasecondd · 24/08/2023 09:55

Oh, that is disappointing.

Sorry, OP x

horseyhorsey17 · 24/08/2023 09:55

This might be due to the name though. There are some names I'd just never call a baby, no matter how much I loved the person they'd be named after - most of these being the classic 40s/50s names like Pam and Joan and Sandra.

I can see how it's upsetting though and I feel for you, although don't think you can or should do anything about it.

Toprepandhowmuch · 24/08/2023 09:55

I think you should take a little step back from helping with so much childcare. Your DD clearly takes you for granted.

Mumdiva99 · 24/08/2023 09:56

I cam see why you feel hurt BUT....I think your husband had wise words. If you see and have a good relationship with the family that is most important.
(Fwiw, I do get the J thing. I know quite a few kids that have J's as the middle name and use it as a nickname e.g. Dylan James - DJ, Tom James, TJ .....AJ. etc.....OK....mostly boys.....)

CrotchetyQuaver · 24/08/2023 09:58

I think there is nothing wrong with you telling her you find it a bit hurtful you're the only GP left out yet you're the one who does the most for them (parents as well as kids)
Your DD sounds like she's trying to justify not using your name as it is, so I'd be happy to go along with the PP earlier who made the comment about being superficial sticking with the J's, that's a ridiculous excuse.

YourNameGoesHere · 24/08/2023 09:58

Toprepandhowmuch · 24/08/2023 09:55

I think you should take a little step back from helping with so much childcare. Your DD clearly takes you for granted.

To be honest I was thinking this too. Not as a punishment or anything for them not using your name but I would find it hard to be quite so involved now they had shown how little they think of you. Your daughter clearly doesn't value what you do for her family or see that this would obviously hurt you so yes I agree a step back would probably be sensible in the long run.

onlylovecanhurtlikethis · 24/08/2023 10:00

I can understand why you'd be upset and this is why for the one child I used a family name for it was of relatives who had passed away

The problem is if you say something now about being upset this may guilt them into changing their mind or they may feel forced and not happy about it and harbour some resentment about it

It's a really difficult one sorry OP

Mikimoto · 24/08/2023 10:00

To be fair on the daughter, she DID bring the topic up, and OP said it was fine...

M4J4 · 24/08/2023 10:00

it felt a bit hurtful especially when I do the most for them and feel the closest to them out of all the grandparents

I would be a lot less available for childcare from now on and also be less giving with money.

They are taking you for granted because you do so much.

Moccasin · 24/08/2023 10:01

I wonder if they could use two middle names: your name and their J name

NameChange080823 · 24/08/2023 10:02

I'd be very upset too. After your dd has registered the babys name, tell your dd that you hope the other gp's do their fair share of childcare. Don't do anymore childcare than the other grandparents are doing

NotQuiteHere · 24/08/2023 10:02

I find the whole idea of naming a baby in someone's honour utterly ridiculous.

mamamilkmachine · 24/08/2023 10:05

My daughters middle name is my mothers name. I told my mum that I wasn't giving my daughter a middle name, she was outraged, not because she thought her name should be used but because everyone should have an embarrassing middle name 😂 and then I took her the birth certificate round with her name as the middle name....not to get your hopes up but maybe she will surprise you.

willWillSmithsmith · 24/08/2023 10:08

I think you’re justified in being upset. I also hate when people have this thing about naming all their children with the same letter (or in this case middle name). Can’t they add yours in as well as the J name. Not a single person outside the parents will care or ever even know they all have J middle names.

Viviennemary · 24/08/2023 10:09

Yes It's cheeky since they used all the names but yours. Big mistake under the circumstances.

Whinge · 24/08/2023 10:09

NotQuiteHere · 24/08/2023 10:02

I find the whole idea of naming a baby in someone's honour utterly ridiculous.

And that's fine, but OPs daughter and her partner clearly don't. Or else they wouldn't have used the other 3 grandparents names.

YANBU OP, it's incredibly hurtful of her and I think taking a step back would be a good idea.

Original poster

2408username · 24/08/2023 10:10

There's even more J names going back in the family tree as well! I'm not sure any of us saw how funny it was until our grandchildren came along. My grandparents had 2 J names between them! To be fair some are the same name especially the ones that cross over further back on son in law's family tree.

I'm not sure she takes me for granted me and her are so close and I love being apart of all their lives I wanted nothing more than a big family but could not have more than 1 child as was left infertile and as much as DD has always been rather career oriented (assumed she would maybe only want 1 as well) she completely changed her mind after having her first and I genuinely love it.

OP posts:

Whitepaleness · 24/08/2023 10:10

I think you are being unreasonable. It doesn’t fit the pattern of the names she’s explained that.

YourNameGoesHere · 24/08/2023 10:12

Whitepaleness · 24/08/2023 10:10

I think you are being unreasonable. It doesn’t fit the pattern of the names she’s explained that.

The pattern nonsense is something she's made up though to try and minimise what a shit thing she's doing.The pattern was grandparent names not names beginning with the letter J.

CoffeePlease1 · 24/08/2023 10:12

Why was her husband allowed to choose 3 of the 4 children's names? That's not fair. Your dd is the one who's putting her body and mind through yet another pregnancy, birth, post partum etc and her husband gets to choose all the names? Maybe this fourth child could have your name as her first middle name and then her husband's grandma's name as the second middle name.

Whinge · 24/08/2023 10:12

Whitepaleness · 24/08/2023 10:10

I think you are being unreasonable. It doesn’t fit the pattern of the names she’s explained that.

But it does fit the pattern, as the only reason the others have the middle names is because they're the names of the other grandparents. The J is just an additonal quirk. If the names had started with different letters they would have still been used.

ChristmasCwtch · 24/08/2023 10:14

Focus on the children, not the genus of the names. Perhaps they don’t like your name. Nothing to be offended about as you didn’t choose it for yourself.

I like my dad’s name but it’s a bit blah, I like my mum’s name which is pretty, FIL’s name is strong but a bit old fashioned, I really dislike MIL’s name as it’s very old and probably hasn’t been used since the 50s. I like MIL and enjoy her company, but her name would be a dreadful burden for a child.

Dulra · 24/08/2023 10:15

That is upsetting tbh if I wasn't naming a child's middle name after a loved relative I don't think I'd bother with a middle name. I have 3 girls, eldest has middle name of me and dhs grandmother's who'd the same name, middle daughter has my mum's middle name and youngest my mil name. Your daughter most likely does not realise how this has upset you and is only thinking of her "pattern". Could the child have two middle names? My brother and Dad do

MrsPositivity1 · 24/08/2023 10:16

You sound like an amazing mum and granny. Your daughter is so blessed to have you.

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