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Original poster

ExH undermining me with Brownies and theres nothing I can do

199 replies

TheBrowniesFundraiserforHoliday · 23/08/2023 17:02

DD is 9 and a Brownie.

Going on pack holiday at October Half Term for 5 nights (Friday to Thursday).

She was supposed to fundraise for it over the summer holidays, they literally needed to raise £20 each, the rest was being topped up by parents (and there are funds for those who may not be able to find the extra £30 to go)

She has refused to fundraise. A friend of mine asked her (with my supervision) to feed her cats twice a day and would pay her £5 she didn’t do it, so I did it. My parents offered for her to walk their dog while they were working and they’d give her £10. That’s £15 before she’s tried to do anything else.

DDs Sixer suggested their six get together in the summer and run a book stall at the local supermarket to raise funds, they had 140 books, they could have sold them for £1 each and raised the money easily. Her friends took part but she wouldn’t, I offered to stay and supervise and Brown Owl also did an hour with them and DD refused. They sold all 140 books and made £100, which is nearly all the money for all of the places in the 6.

Any suggestion to do it is met with “Well I want to go but won’t be making the money myself for it”. She’s been rude to me telling me I will give her the money and she will be going.

I said no, you won’t be going as you’ve not worked for it. There’s still time between now and the deadline to make the money though.

DD has spent the week at ExHs and come home today.

She’s just told me that not only is she going on pack holiday but dad is going to say she helped to weed the garden for it. She didn’t she’s boasted about not doing it.

The Friday they go falls on his weekend so I can’t even stop her, and because of the way holiday contact falls he’d have had her until the Wednesday anyway, so I’d be pulling her out for effectively 15 hours (handover is 6pm on the Wednesday and they get picked up by us 10am Thursday).

I don’t know how to go forward with this. Do I talk to Brown Owl? Or just leave it?

For context; if she’d raised say £10 or £15 and was very close I’d of course have given her the extra money, it’s the fact she’s done nothing and will still get to go.

I pay for Brownies, and its in the week which during Term Time ExH doesn’t see her in the week. He has her 1 night a month in Term Time and 50% in the school holidays.

OP posts:
Mindymomo · 23/08/2023 17:08

So exH is going to pay the £20 and is happy for her telling lies that she’s raised the money herself, that’s really setting a good example. I wouldn’t say anything but tell DD that if you are asked, you are not going to lie. To be fair, I doubt all the children do anything, but I agree with you it’s the principal, it wouldn’t have taken much to get that money.

fourelementary · 23/08/2023 17:11

His weekend his business. But I’d not be helping to get any of the stuff organised that she needs- Brownies is literally about doing GOOD things for other people and not lying or being selfish. DD sounds like a not very good Brownie tbh- so tel her you’ve said your piece but from now on it’s dads business and here is the pack holiday list for him…

2reefsin30knots · 23/08/2023 17:13

I'd pull her out of Brownies. Presumably you haven't paid for next term yet. Tell her she can have another go at Guides (or whatever) when she is more mature/ grown up enough not to lie/ willing to do the work.

Restinggoddess · 23/08/2023 17:14

I think your title answered this - not much you can do
It is a real shame as basically she was given the option learn some life skills

IME divorced dads pay for stuff due to guilt etc
Depending upon your relationship with him.you could try discussing it at a different point in terms of the life skills you want DD to have. If however he is opposed to your way of bringing her up re the finances and is happy to undermine then you have problems

The advice is to ask the right question of ExH - ‘ What is the reason you didn’t want DD to raise the money?’ Or ‘ What do you think is important for DD to know about money?’

Ultimately he has done you and DD no favours at all - sorry OP

cansu · 23/08/2023 17:15

I kind of agree. If your ex is not able to be on the same page then there is not much else you can do. Give him the list and let him get on with it.

40andlovelife · 23/08/2023 17:17

You need to ring him up and give him the complete context regarding her awful rudeness and refusal. Surely he will back you when he knows. She should definitely not be allowed to go due to the rudeness about it all

Original poster
TheBrowniesFundraiserforHoliday · 23/08/2023 17:19

He doesn't care about her being rude. He actually finds it hilarious and never backs me up. Yet if she's rude to him/his parents he expects me to back him up (which I always do).

Talking to him will be met with "It's my money I spend it how I want"

OP posts:
newnamethanks · 23/08/2023 17:20

That's disturbing. You need to have a long chat with your daughter and remind her to not treat you so offensively. And tell her she won't be attending Brownies in the future as she doesn't accept their rules. Reserve several words for her father, tiresome man.

40andlovelife · 23/08/2023 17:22

TheBrowniesFundraiserforHoliday · 23/08/2023 17:19

He doesn't care about her being rude. He actually finds it hilarious and never backs me up. Yet if she's rude to him/his parents he expects me to back him up (which I always do).

Talking to him will be met with "It's my money I spend it how I want"

Oh wow. Ok then well I suppose there's nothing you can do about her going. I would not lie for her though. If it was me I would punishing her for the rudeness though

HappyasLarrynot · 23/08/2023 17:22

I’d let her go but speak to Brown Owl, who might speak to the group about how important it is not to lie and ask her to give your daughter extra jobs on pack holiday to make up for it. It’s a bloody nightmare when you are trying to parent with someone who has different values to you.

Sausagesandpeas · 23/08/2023 17:24

I’d talk to Brown owl definitely. Maybe she can talk to your daughter

Justleaveitblankthen · 23/08/2023 17:25

I would be straight with your DD.
Nothing you can do about the Pack holiday they have both colluded on cheating over, but you won't be paying for her to go anymore.
She will obviously go running to complain about this to him.
Let him be the Disney Dad if he wants to.

I would be so annoyed though!

HundredMilesAnHour · 23/08/2023 17:28

I'd be pulling her out of Brownies immediately. Her behaviour is disgraceful and it's even worse that she is encouraged by her Disney father.

MzHz · 23/08/2023 17:28

Well you can see where she gets her appalling behaviour from… how sad. I’d be ashamed of her behaviour tbh and yes, seriously considering taking her out of brownies

strawberry2017 · 23/08/2023 17:29

I would explain to the brown owl

MisschiefMaker · 23/08/2023 17:29

Are you considering pulling her out? What's your hesitation with that

40andlovelife · 23/08/2023 17:30

I disagree about taking her out of Brownies. Her behaviour and rudeness is clearly highly impacted by her dad and Brownies teaches good values which is sounds like she really needs.

Original poster
TheBrowniesFundraiserforHoliday · 23/08/2023 17:31

I will email Brown Owl and explain I'm considering pulling DD out and why.

I put DD into Brownies to help her mix with a variety of other girls and to have time away from me/school each week. She enjoys it and does get a lot out of it, but clearly isn't learning the core values.

OP posts:
AliceOlive · 23/08/2023 17:33

She was unwilling to join in a group activity to fund raise? Any idea why?

Tlolljs · 23/08/2023 17:33

I wouldn’t be at all surprised if a lot of this has gone on. Not right of course, but not sure what you can do. Tell brown owl to find her extra jobs while they’re away like pp suggested

GeorgeTheFirst · 23/08/2023 17:35

I'm not sure it's fair to make this Brown Owl's problem

Crikeyisthatthetime · 23/08/2023 17:35

How about asking her how much she wants to continue brownies, then after the trip making her work towards going, to make up for lying about the £20? So she has to do a chore each week to earn her place there. If she refuses, stop letting her go.

senua · 23/08/2023 17:35

Pulling her out is an over-reaction. She's only 9 !
Do the "I am disappointed in you" sadface and leave Disney Dad to organise and pay for it all.

Heronwatcher · 23/08/2023 17:36

My first instinct would also be to pull her out, but brownies is so good for kids overall this might be cutting off your nose to spite your face. Also then you’d be the bad guy. Plus your daughter is really only following her dad’s exceptionally poor boundaries. I think I’d have a chat with brown owl and see if she can suggest something. What would your DD think if brown owl wanted her to give a talk to the rest of the brownies about what she did (maybe a few others too). Or laid it on thick about how proud she is of DD earning the money and what a fantastic example she is showing for camp? Maybe going on the holiday and learning a few life lessons might make her decide to make better choices in future which is what you want really.

I’d also be asking your DH why he thinks this is a good life lesson and whether he’s got photos etc for when your DD needs to show brown owl what she did.

Cosycover · 23/08/2023 17:36

I've read this exact post before. Have you posted this before? Or am I having mega deja vu?

Anyway, he's totally in the wrong but I'm not really sure what the solution is here. It's a shame for her to miss out. Is there anything at all you could ask her to do? Even the dishes, tidy her room etc