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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I think my daughter is throwing her life away

798 replies

BeauxBelle · 23/08/2023 12:14

My daughter is 22, 23 next week, she is a smart, confident, beautiful girl. She did very well in her A-Levels, took a gap year to travel, did a BA in Classics and Ancient History, currently finishing her MA in Classics. She is in a relationship with a man 16 years older, they started dating 3 years ago, got engaged last year, due to marry next September.
We went for lunch yesterday, talking about the future etc. and she dropped that she is starting a second masters next month, immediately after the completion of her current one, this time in English Literature, when I asked why she doesn't plan to get a job, she explained that she doesn't intend to work, She will marry, then they will start trying for children and she will be a stay-at-home mum.
I'm upset and angry, we paid for her to attend top schools her whole life, funded the gap year, all her Uni costs, we are paying for this big dreamy wedding, to a man we do not like (he will be 40 when they marry!!) and for what, for her to stay home and make no life of her own??
Her fiancé is from a decently well off family, he owns a home mortgage free, plans to sell and his parents have offered to cover a ridiculous amount extra to buy a family home. She has tried to reassure me by saying we don't have to pay for this masters as her fiancé has offered to. I'm terrified he is trying to trap her, leave her with no independence. She is sure he isn't. I am a GP, my husband is a Lawyer, I thought we had raised our children to know you have to work hard and earn your own living!!
I feel like she is throwing her life away to play housewife to an older man!!
AIBU to feel she is throwing her life away? Should I share my concerns or leave her to it?

OP posts:
JusthereforXmas · 23/08/2023 18:41

greyhairnomore · 23/08/2023 17:55

Not to be harsh , I'd be embarrassed if my 23 year old had never had a job.

I find it embarrasing some that people tie their entire worth and value (and even the worth of others like their children) to the workforce where they are essentially nothing but a worker bee instead of basing their pride on being a good person, learning and improving, following dreams, supporting their mental stability and raising their kids but here we are.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 23/08/2023 18:43

Bringing up children with a thirst for knowledge and a love of learning does not seem a bad use of her intelligence. Her love of languages and literature is such a bonus, both to her and will be to her children

If she took the subjects out of a real passion for them and I hope she'd be able to pass that on to children one day I'd agree

However it sounds just as likely that the repeated qualfications are merely a way to avoid the world of work while faffing around having a good time at Uni, "studying" something which vaguely appeals

Akiddleetivy2woodenchu · 23/08/2023 18:44

@JusthereforXmas you can’t support yourself by following your dreams and supporting your mental health though.

ShineLikeA · 23/08/2023 18:47

JusthereforXmas · 23/08/2023 18:41

I find it embarrasing some that people tie their entire worth and value (and even the worth of others like their children) to the workforce where they are essentially nothing but a worker bee instead of basing their pride on being a good person, learning and improving, following dreams, supporting their mental stability and raising their kids but here we are.

Show quote history

And I find it embarrassing that someone doesn't grasp that you can be a good person, learn and improve, follow dreams, raise children etc etc, while also supporting yourself and your children financially.

And that not all work is being a corporate drone. There are jobs that are meaningful and enjoyable. I would continue to do mine if I were suddenly given millions.

Akiddleetivy2woodenchu · 23/08/2023 18:47

@olivehaters my kids went to an international school that attracted the rich and famous. So many 60 year old men with the 30 year old wife on their second or third marriage.

Mirabai · 23/08/2023 18:47

EbiRaisukaree · 23/08/2023 18:18

University departments of classics and archaeology are being decimated; many have closed entirely. There isn’t enough work for existing academic staff, let alone a newbie who hasn’t even proven that she can get up in the morning and get to work on time. Academia isn’t what most people imagine. It’s not the nineteenth century any more.

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And how do you know my experience of academia is imagined? She’s not studying archeology.

JusthereforXmas · 23/08/2023 18:47

Akiddleetivy2woodenchu · 23/08/2023 18:44

@JusthereforXmas you can’t support yourself by following your dreams and supporting your mental health though.

Millions of people do perfectly fine.

That said OP is also in the position that she doesn't NEED to, however should she ever have to she has a strong base to do it anyone and is still building on that.

This isnt an illaterate drop out at 15 trying to get pregnant to the local yokel.

Akiddleetivy2woodenchu · 23/08/2023 18:49

@JusthereforXmas no, it’s the next step up from that. But same principles.

JusthereforXmas · 23/08/2023 18:49

ShineLikeA · 23/08/2023 18:47

And I find it embarrassing that someone doesn't grasp that you can be a good person, learn and improve, follow dreams, raise children etc etc, while also supporting yourself and your children financially.

And that not all work is being a corporate drone. There are jobs that are meaningful and enjoyable. I would continue to do mine if I were suddenly given millions.

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Well she doesn't have too or want too.

If you are a millionaire you are not 'making money to support your family', you are hoarding extra wealth you dont need. Which inherently makes you NOT a good person.

JusthereforXmas · 23/08/2023 18:52

Akiddleetivy2woodenchu · 23/08/2023 18:49

@JusthereforXmas no, it’s the next step up from that. But same principles.

Yes because we all know an illeterate secondary school drop out is 1 step down from a woman with 2 masters degrees and a 15 year old trying to get pregnant to the local deadbeat player is just one step down from to a mid 20s married woman trying for a family.

It gets more embarrassing the more you dig.

crazeekat · 23/08/2023 18:53

Theborder · 23/08/2023 14:52

@crazeekat

Erm are you okay? I said she HAS a brain so therefore can do anything and she can retrain to be the likes of a nurse or a social worker BECAUSE she has a brain. So calm down love, my own mother and sister are nurses. I did what the OP did and became a teacher at a later date so please sit back down and actually read what I actually wrote.

then you owe your mum and sister an apology.

Rtc12 · 23/08/2023 19:01

BeauxBelle · 23/08/2023 14:50

I think everyone is right, we probably have done this to ourselves.
When when was little she had so many ambitions, and now it all seems to be gone.
I believe she wants kids, she always has and spends a lot of her time with cousins children etc. I just wish she'd put all the intelligence to good use.
The only reason I don't like her fiancé is because of his age, he is nice enough and had promised to make sure the house they buy (currently looking at 3.75mil house which to me is just bonkers) will be jointly owned. I just think she could have been just as happy with someone her own age.

If he's buying a 3.75m house and they'll be joint owners then they'll be set for life even if they split up, financially she probably won't need to work ever again if she doesn't want to.

Mirabai · 23/08/2023 19:03

Rtc12 · 23/08/2023 19:01

If he's buying a 3.75m house and they'll be joint owners then they'll be set for life even if they split up, financially she probably won't need to work ever again if she doesn't want to.

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Well if they live in London 1.8 buys a semi.

billy1966 · 23/08/2023 19:09

I too believe that men that fundamentally want to be the head of the household date much younger women.

They love the ego boost of being wise all knowing/doing teacher.

They see themselves as experienced, urbane, sophisticated.

Unfortunately I think there is sod all you can do about it.

Absolutely no need for you to pay for another Masters, that would be foolish.

Support her and make it very clear that you will always be there for her and your home always open to her.

My bet is she likes the dynamic for now and it prevents her having to grow up.

All you can do is quietly support her.

She sounds a bit avoidant of being a grown up and this dynamic gives her that veneer of it, home, marriage, children.

Ten years from now she may feel very differently but she will learn if she needs to.

For now support her choices but no longer fund them.

Summertiempo · 23/08/2023 19:14

StrawberryWasp · 23/08/2023 17:05

You sound like the Victorian unable to deal with or talk about reality.

Instead wanting to pretend we now live in a more moral time where we have evolved beyond such dirty things as fertility, or talking about crass things such as money.

Unfortunately we're just as human as the Victorians were and people still make all sorts of choices you may disapprove of, for reasons you find vomit inducing.

Someone pass the smelling salts, a women over here has just found out men like attractive young women and people like money.

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I didnt say we live in moral world, but we live in more moral world than your favourite victorian times. I dont need you rant and dont need your salt

girlfriend44 · 23/08/2023 19:17

Akiddleetivy2woodenchu · 23/08/2023 18:47

@olivehaters my kids went to an international school that attracted the rich and famous. So many 60 year old men with the 30 year old wife on their second or third marriage.

So what none of your business
Poster.

Rtc12 · 23/08/2023 19:18

Mirabai · 23/08/2023 19:03

Well if they live in London 1.8 buys a semi.

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Ah OK, she might have to move up North then 😂

Pompom2367 · 23/08/2023 19:21

Surely she can see realistically as he's older that she will eventually be on her own and to Fund her life style with no private pensions or state pensions that work is important

Theborder · 23/08/2023 19:24

@crazeekat

No I do not 🤣. It was a compliment. She has a brain. She is, in my opinion, too educated to work in a supermarket like someone had suggested. I replied, saying she could retrain as anything she wanted too in the future….nurse, social worker etc. I said it, because I know people who did it. I did it. So give your head a wobble.

Bornonsunday · 23/08/2023 19:25

What's wrong with having kids young and beng a sahm? Life is not all about careers?

Summertiempo · 23/08/2023 19:28

GilbertMarkham · 23/08/2023 17:20

*I saw a recent evolutionary psychology study where men anonymously rated women for attractiveness, and women within the 15-25 yrs range were rated most highly by men of all ages.

That's when they're most fertile.

It's an unpleasnt truth.*

The study may have been accurate re men's preferences, but it certainly isn't accurate re fertility. Women are most definity not at their most fertile in their teens.

Both sexes are at their most fertile early to mid 20s.

Anyway, we all know lots of older men who'd go for significantly younger women. Most of them don't get them though.

The only way they usually get them is money.

Agreed. I am also baffled at this study putting 15-17 year old in the same category as 25 year old women. I thought 15,16 and even 17 are still minor and kids, so is it ok to use their photos to do a study of attractiveness to men. Men shown photos of minor girls is not ok, so in my opinion, this study is wrong

nobodysdaughternow · 23/08/2023 19:30

BeauxBelle · 23/08/2023 12:40

The reason we have supported her so much was so she could build a life doing whatever she pleased. She has always lacked direction, never really knowing what she wanted to do with her degree. I didn't expect her to waste it.
We offered our son the same and he is an accountant now.

She is doing what pleases her and she has also found a direction.

Unfortunately for you, that is relying on someone else to fund her.

Presumably she will live in a place populated by older, rich men and women who's expensive education makes them the perfect person to host dinner parties and accompany their hubby to work do's.

She just sounds horribly overindulged.

homeishere · 23/08/2023 19:34

Just let her get on with it.

Your main concern seems to be that he’s too old. So what? Let’s say he dies at the age of 80, your daughter will be 64, your grandkids roughly 35-40odd, and you’ll likely be dead. What’s the big deal?

If he can afford a £4m house now (even with some help from his family) then they very likely can survive on one salary.

toomuchlaundry · 23/08/2023 19:57

@Bornonsunday it's not great to have never worked. You don't have to have a career but to not even had a part-time job, is pretty bad

Darkherds · 23/08/2023 20:03

and not all 40 year old men need to get with a fertile 19 year old ffs, women in their thirties have babies all the time

OP said the age gap was 16 years (not 21) in this case though.