I think my daughter is throwing her life away

[BeauxBelle]

My daughter is 22, 23 next week, she is a smart, confident, beautiful girl. She did very well in her A-Levels, took a gap year to travel, did a BA in Classics and Ancient History, currently finishing her MA in Classics. She is in a relationship with a man 16 years older, they started dating 3 years ago, got engaged last year, due to marry next September.
We went for lunch yesterday, talking about the future etc. and she dropped that she is starting a second masters next month, immediately after the completion of her current one, this time in English Literature, when I asked why she doesn't plan to get a job, she explained that she doesn't intend to work, She will marry, then they will start trying for children and she will be a stay-at-home mum.
I'm upset and angry, we paid for her to attend top schools her whole life, funded the gap year, all her Uni costs, we are paying for this big dreamy wedding, to a man we do not like (he will be 40 when they marry!!) and for what, for her to stay home and make no life of her own??
Her fiancé is from a decently well off family, he owns a home mortgage free, plans to sell and his parents have offered to cover a ridiculous amount extra to buy a family home. She has tried to reassure me by saying we don't have to pay for this masters as her fiancé has offered to. I'm terrified he is trying to trap her, leave her with no independence. She is sure he isn't. I am a GP, my husband is a Lawyer, I thought we had raised our children to know you have to work hard and earn your own living!!
I feel like she is throwing her life away to play housewife to an older man!!
AIBU to feel she is throwing her life away? Should I share my concerns or leave her to it?

@herewegoroundthebastardbush

The husband to be was an associate of a tennis friend. If you move in these circles, this is often the result. Not sure why the OP is terribly surprised her DD has met someone of this calibre. One could theorise that the expensive education wasn’t actually a waste when you’ve bought social capital and rich contacts. Wealth and privilege is all that is known.

There’s a lot of schadenfreude on this thread. While I agree it’s odd and ultimately unhelpful to get to 23 without having had a job, it didn’t affect DS. As it doesn’t affect many young people in comparably fortunate circumstances.

It seems as much the issue that DD actively has a desire to marry young and be a SAHM. She may have made the same choice even if she’d been working on an off since 16.

This very spoiled girl went to boarding school, is allegedly receiving an £3.75m house as a wedding present from her in-laws, and spends her days getting her hair and nails done, playing tennis, and networking with museum donors. It is entirely normal in those circles to not work.

Do you think Carrie Johnson has any intention of working another day in her life?

The husband to be was an associate of a tennis friend. If you move in these circles, this is often the result

It is the entire point, surely? You do all of these things to snag a suitable husband. And now she has.

@Saschka

Well yes, when you put it like that…….

Exactly.

And all those exhorting the OP to talk with her DD about safeguarding her assets in case of marriage breakdown etc. etc. are preaching a recipe for family breakdown - I would have been furious if I had had any such stuff from my parents prior to marrying and not been inclined to put too much effort into maintaining a relationship with them.

The OP does not need to give her DD any advice - her DD is a woman of intelligence. Just because she has not fitted the mould of the future that had been mapped out for her does not mean she is wrong!

@Mischance

No, women need to be made aware of financial risks. I’ll be letting my DD know any “just incase outcomes”. Women have been kept in the dark and uneducated on these matters for too long overall. Its about common sense, not romance.

SunRainStorm · Today 12:46
I'd be gutted as well OP.

What a waste, and she is making herself vulnerable”

Why is doing what she wants to do a waste? What’s wrong with being a full time wife/mother?
Perhaps she wants to give her children a different experience than she had with two full-time working parents? that’s her choice.

I suspect this woman is perfectly capable of working that out for herself ... she is an educated woman in her 20s not a love struck teenager.

I think this is the best summary I have seen of the concerns.

“So what first attracted you to the millionaire Paul Daniels* ?”
*insert boyfriends name

You cannot be a gp, I understood every word you wrote…. 🤷‍♀️

It's not as if she wants to do nothing - maybe she really likes academia and is good at it - and one day could be a Professor in her field. I wouldn't be disappointed at all - how many threads are there on here about how do I keep my career, have kids and not die of exhaustion or have a breakdown before I can retire, etc - many women have been sold a bit of a 'lemon' with the "have it all" mantra, myself included.

You don’t get to be a Professor just by being good in your field. My DH would have been one years ago if that was the case. There’s an awful lot of corporate stuff involved in academic life as well as teaching and research.

DD’s DH choice is because you paid for top schools, not in spite of it.

The majority of Mums at top prep schools don’t work. Your DD has been able to compare your life with theirs. She has made an informed choice.

Young professionals are more stressed and less well paid than thirty years ago. Fitting children around a job is possible now but still hard. GP is a great option for a Mum but not one that is open to your DD now.

Your DD’s children will benefit from a stress free mother and her DH will benefit from never having to rush home in an emergency.

Her studies are interesting for her and a status symbol for DH. It proves his wife is an Alpha who could have a high flying job but chose not to because he is such a good provider.

Quote Merryn Somerset Webb a couple of decades ago:
Why so few females at the top?
Alpha women marry Alpha men and stop working.

Your DD is living her dream.

You're a GP.
Husband is a Lawyer.
Son an Accountant.
STB DSIL is “wealthy”.

And your daughter is a Parasite.

You just want her to Be Like You (all) - in a prestigious highly paid career.

Does it hurt your social ego that her life choice does not reflect your personal ambitions, meaning she is diminished in the eyes of your peers?

You would do well to look at what you have created, and appreciate her true life skill, which is evading the humdrum misery of working for 50 years.

Good on her.

Wow that was a good rollercoaster of a comment/ parable. Even had a plot twist!

She seems like she has had a very privileged upbringing and sometimes these institutions can instil more traditional gender roles, IME. This may account for the differences you’ve observed with your DS.

As an adult she’s a making her own choices, but as her DM of course YANBU to be concerned about her going into a marriage with someone almost twice her age.

There is a power imbalance from age and income, although at least he seems committed to sharing his wealth and from what you say is not showing any controlling behaviours, but I would stay on alert eg: for him isolating her by moving away etc.

He’s in prime of life now, but I would be worried about his ageing and determination health in the next decade and beyond.

On the other hand, maybe this traditional set up is what will work for them when it comes to starting a family, though I wouldn’t think ideal if she will be essentially left parenting alone.

OP have you already spoken about your concerns? If you have, I don’t think you can do much more. If you haven’t, this would need to be very tentatively raised, as obviously they are already in the wedding planning phase.

Keep the communication lines open, unfortunately you might need to be around to pick up the pieces later, but she is free to make her own mistakes.

I don’t see a problem with her doing further education at this stage, but do agree it’s a huge waste if none of this ever used.

If you're paying for your young dd to marry a man old enough to be her father then you honestly can't complain about their relationship. He sounds very wealthy and I don't think you should pay for the wedding. Maybe just her wedding dress, hair and makeup. Things just got her, not the couple. However, I find it incredibly creepy that this man wanted a girl fresh out of school.

My grandmother married a man (my mum's father) about 16 years older than her when she was in her very early 20s. He was abusive (physically and emotionally) once she had children. He isolated her too. There is absolutely a power imbalance when the younger person is in their teens or 20s.

This is so predictable.

Spoiled youth has had 21 years of being funded to travel and please herself, has never worked so doesn't link work and money.

You've encouraged education/learning for its own sake (classics degree!), rather than as a means to useful work.

If you wanted to encourage a work ethic you needed to get her to earn a bit and also consider career options more as part of the decision process around degrees.

That feeling when you get your first pay packet as a teenager is powerful. I still remember getting thirty odd quid for a couple of shifts in a local shop and feeling SO chuffed.

I cannot believe you let her spunk 20 grand or more to go travelling and never expected her to work and contribute even a single penny.

I haven't read all the comments, but I recognise the pattern. She is lacking is self-confidence and is terrified - her response is a pretty normal reaction. She's never had a job, she fears she'd be a bit rubbish at it - the fear of judgement and rejection is strong enough to never want to face it, she has no resilience - has never stood on her own two feet and is terrified if she does it will reveal how the person she has been fearing she is - totally crap and useless and only getting to where she is due to her privilege.
I'd encourage her to get a volunteer position - anything really, it does wonders - seen it work on a few kids who got to the end of Uni never having dine a day's work in their lives. It's a bad place to get to - that very empty employment slot on the cv says it all...for her own self-esteem, she needs to fill it with something.
So I wouldn't be disappointed in her - she had no need to work, so she didn't, you have contributed to this problem, you have overindulged her and maybe some other kids would be self motivated enough for it not to matter but your dd is not one of them.

I have an age gap relationship too, almost 14 years.. never has it been an issue for us. We like the same things and enjoy each others company. We got married after 10 years together recently. He's an amazing father to our kids. He is currently the sole provider til I go back to work after our Last baby, again though non issue.
You gave your daughter an amazing childhood and teen life as did my parents, however it's time for her to make her own life. I'm sure people may have thought my relationship wouldn't have worked out but here we are today.

If she wants to stick with academia, I would be heavily pushing her towards a PHD rather than a second MA. At least with a PHD, there would be more future potential employment opportunities in research, consulting or teaching / tenure.

Options for the moment are for her to establish herself as a tutor or academic supervisor which could be done part time but at least gives her some sense of earning and financial independence.

Also, honestly, even if she does none of that…. I don’t think any of her current plan is that bad. She is clearly very bright, and if it all goes tits up, as long as the finances are structured fairly from the outset with her future DH, she should come away from a potential divorce with some funding behind her and she’d likely be young enough to retrain or pursue a career at that point. I also don’t think 16 years is that much of an age gap. Slightly higher than ideal but not awful.

Society still needs academics, artists, musicians, sports people, etc as much as it needs people in vocations and professional careers, OP.

Men at 40 don't seem old...they are usually pretty fit and active and like a pp said in their prime. In 15 years time though, she will still be in her thirties and he'll be 55 and the age gap will be widening. All her peers will be married to men their own age and she will notice the age difference.

And yes there are plenty of women married to wealthy men who don't work. But, vast majority will have worked prior to marriage/kids. She will be embarrassed at dinner parties when people ask her what she did career eise.

A PhD course (not funded by you) would be something to aim for and give her a fee years to figure things out. You don't just drift into academia or museum curation. This is another example of the lack of grounding and useful guidance she has been given. She doesn't seem to have any idea of what options are available and how to go about them. Museum work sounds lovely and gentle but is actually very competitive indeed.

If she really wants to be a housewife then fine but it sounds to me that she has lost her way over the years if she had other ambitions at school. She may be academically and recreationally accomplished, glamorous and have a lot of social capital grom her private education so probably seems extremely polished and together but I wouldn't just be taking this at face value.

Who do you think was running the country? 😂