I think my daughter is throwing her life away

[BeauxBelle]

My daughter is 22, 23 next week, she is a smart, confident, beautiful girl. She did very well in her A-Levels, took a gap year to travel, did a BA in Classics and Ancient History, currently finishing her MA in Classics. She is in a relationship with a man 16 years older, they started dating 3 years ago, got engaged last year, due to marry next September.
We went for lunch yesterday, talking about the future etc. and she dropped that she is starting a second masters next month, immediately after the completion of her current one, this time in English Literature, when I asked why she doesn't plan to get a job, she explained that she doesn't intend to work, She will marry, then they will start trying for children and she will be a stay-at-home mum.
I'm upset and angry, we paid for her to attend top schools her whole life, funded the gap year, all her Uni costs, we are paying for this big dreamy wedding, to a man we do not like (he will be 40 when they marry!!) and for what, for her to stay home and make no life of her own??
Her fiancé is from a decently well off family, he owns a home mortgage free, plans to sell and his parents have offered to cover a ridiculous amount extra to buy a family home. She has tried to reassure me by saying we don't have to pay for this masters as her fiancé has offered to. I'm terrified he is trying to trap her, leave her with no independence. She is sure he isn't. I am a GP, my husband is a Lawyer, I thought we had raised our children to know you have to work hard and earn your own living!!
I feel like she is throwing her life away to play housewife to an older man!!
AIBU to feel she is throwing her life away? Should I share my concerns or leave her to it?

I'm similar, without the nice income over the years to compensate. sitting watching DH, dribbling while he is(resting his eyes)asleep in the chair.

If I had my time again, no, I wouldn't do it.

The bidder - she isn't too educated to work in a supermarket at all. She has a pretty useless degree that isn't good for much except her own indulgence. That doesn't make her too good to work in a supermarket. She would prob benefit from doing a bit of graft for once in her life.

What sort of a return do you want on your investment?

Did you pay for all those things in the expectation that she would pay you back by living the life you want her to live?

@olivehaters

I personally think she’s clearly educated. There’s no middle ground on mumsnet. People default to supermarkets all of the time, which by the way is pretty offensive but I wasn’t the first to bring that up.

I spent a good few years as a SAHM with little work experience. I walked straight into a university admin role before embarking on my teacher training. Having time off to raise my kids was never an issue really, much to the catastrophising on here. I didn’t need to work in Tesco’s.

No, she’d have a better chance if she was studying archaeology, because there is work out there for people with practical skills. The subjects are often in combined departments, as in the university with which I am involved.

I wouldn't be so sure with archaeology.

If she was 30 and he were 45 there would be less people agreeing with the OP. Normal to be a SAHM if your other half earns enough for you to. The shock factor is the age. People seem to question why anyone in their 20s would want babies… well the same reason as anyone older would.

There is always work in advance of development, to satisfy planning requirements. HS2 has been one of the biggest employers in recent years. We are about 1000 digging archaeologists short at the moment.

Huge difference between taking time off from working to be a sahm and never having had a job.

I don't see the evidence for that. She must be in good academic standing to get on to these MAs and they tend to be very hard work.

The age gap isn't the issue per se. The problem is that if he doesn't stick around, and is clever about the finances, she could find herself hitting the job market in her 40s having never worked and with no useful qualifications. That won't be fun.

Nothing wrong with being a SAHM but at some point you will need to support yourself. What if your husband leaves or dies ?
It's very difficult to get a job if you've never worked.

My DD is in a similar situation to yours OP except the gap is 12 years and she's only the one degree. She is perfectly happy and content as a SAHM, they can support a family on my SIL's earnings and own their own house (OK with a mortgage). Frankly I think YABVVU. There's more to life than "having a career" and is anyone really independent?

My apologies I was thinking more along the lines of archaeology as in ancient history etc.

I must admit i should of considered my perspectives better than I did.

@Comedycook

I did something similar. I did have a job though when I left school (I worked as an office junior) but only briefly. Got married, had 3 kids by aged 25 etc, etc. I had 9 years off but then when I returned, I walked straight into my uni admin role before completing my teacher training. Not the cultural norm but it worked out fine. Infact more than fine really. I did absolutely know though that I would return to work at some point. I knew that from the very beginning.

Of course divorced, she may not walk away with a bean. People from rich families protect their wealth by using family trusts which only blood family members can access. If she were divorced she might get nothing at all.

I had a friend in a not dissimilar situation to your daughter, came from an indulgent family, good academic results, married a rich man who was the beneficiary of a Family Trust, had 3 children but discovered she could access no money at all when she divorced. She's currently living in a council flat and can barely manage financially.

I'd be very disappointed if my children or their partners wanted to opt out of working and rely on a partner to support them

But I think you have to respect her autonomy to choose her own path

It's true. I used to do a graduate job years ago, worked full time and part time before being a SAHM.

I married a man with that age gap - we got together when I was 23 and he was just 40 and married two years later.
I was finishing off my medical degree at the time.
I guess I was lucky in that he liked the idea of the salary that j would eventually be earning - he was a scientist on 3 year contracts all the time and didn't get a permanent contract until he'd given up research for teaching.

Anyway, it was all blissful for a couple of years and keeping house and so on. Luckily I didn't give up my degree and of course worked.... it in the end the age gap was a disaster and he was controlling and it felt like he fell out of love with me and started being abusive when I "grew up" a bit more in my late 20's.

We split after 10: years together, but it was a pretty unhappy marriage.

I'd say you were right to be concerned OP. And all the masters in the world will not matter if your daughter has no work experience. I don't know what to suggest because I know I didn't listen at her age.

Well exactly. You had a job. The ops dd has never had a job and doesn't intend to.

@Comedycook

Maybe she does intend to work further down the line? If not ever, then yes, that is disappointing.

There's too many useless degrees out there. I chose one that was not just an academic but a professional qualification as well, so at least it could be put to good use in the world of work.

To be honest, I think this is a mess of entirely your own making.

If your daughter is happy and her partner seems to be a decent man that is prepared to give her the life she wants, you should count yourself as fortunate.

Its actually quite ridiculous that you don’t like the man simply because of his age.

Like many contributing to this thread, I worked from aged 16+. Had to earn some money to buy things I enjoyed like concert tickets, money for the cinema, clothing, make up etc.

It's great for the OP flashing the cash but she has spectacularly failed as parent in teaching her DD about the value of money. It needs to be earned.

Being from a wealthy background shielded her from these lessons.

To be honest and is doing exactly what you raised her to do. She's been cushioned and cosseted through life (elite boarding school, never having any kind of job, humanities degrees to post-grad level with no career plan in place all funded by her family) - essentially what you've paid for is finishing school to augment her natural assets on the marriage market - youth and beauty - with some nice to haves like good conversation-starters, charm etc. It's all very traditional, and as is traditional this young, beautiful, charming young woman of the upper classes has been selected by a well-to-do, older man who promises to provide for her in exchange for exclusive access to her youth and beauty and charm (as long as they last). It's basically the plot of a Jane Austen novel, and the world you've raised he'd up in has not changed significantly in how it conducts itself since then.

Nothing about the life you've given her has given her any reason to suppose that you have to work hard and earn your own living! Spoonfed her education, never earned or spent a penny of her own money, never worked a day in her life, I doubt she so much as had to empty the dishwasher at home. You raised a debutante and she's acting like one.