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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Harbouring a secret from DH

164 replies

Plutoshooto · 23/08/2023 02:05

Mildly light-hearted but also serious... I got a 2.2 at a RG university. In conversation DH alluded to how everyone he knows has 2.1s or better. It's come up a few times and I've either kept quiet or played along. I'm embarrassed to admit it. On my CV is just says the name of my degree but not the grade. One time DH found out someone had a 2.2 and made a not nice comment about them. DH is Oxbridge educated, in a very 'intellectual' job where you can't really get in unless your academics are excellent. I'm a scientist in rare diseases research so I guess DH assumed I did well in my undergraduate degree.. I've done done a Master's where I got one of the top results (I think another reason why he assumes I have a 2.1). DH and I have been together for 4 years if relevant.
Should I tell him? AIBU? Or shall I keep it a secret forever?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 23/08/2023 02:10

One time DH found out someone had a 2.2 and made a not nice comment about them.

Tell him to stop being such an insufferable prick.

Aprilx · 23/08/2023 02:16

I would tell him.

DramaAlpaca · 23/08/2023 02:16

Back in my day a 2.2 meant you had a great time at university.

Your MA result trumps your undergraduate degree anyway.

And yes, your DH is a snobbish, insufferable prick.

PS - he doesn't need to know.

HerAvatar · 23/08/2023 02:22

I would tell him, and I would tell him why I hadn't told him before, referencing the comments he made. He deserves to squirm as he realises he's inadvertently insulted you and made you feel you couldn't be honest with him with his derision of others. I would want the ground to open up in his position, the shame is all his here OP Flowers

MajesticWhine · 23/08/2023 02:31

I think I would want to tell him - it would feel uncomfortable having this secret. He might need to stop judging everyone and get a grip, which would be a bonus.

Netaporter · 23/08/2023 02:57

Oh I’d be waiting for him to say something disparaging publicly about someone with a 2:2 and then drop in, ‘like me, you mean?’ And watch him squirm. It does sound like he’s a bit insecure though. Who the fuck mentions their degree grades beyond job applications or beyond the week you graduated?

I also have a 2:2. Also very much enjoyed myself at uni 😂

Weatherwax13 · 23/08/2023 03:03

Yeah I'm with@Netaporter who fixates on that or even still talks about it by this point??
It would do him some good to realise that his incredibly intelligent, Masters educated, scientist wife has a 2:2

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 23/08/2023 03:11

Who even cares what other people got at uni? I don’t know what the majority of people I know with degrees got because I haven’t asked. The only bit I’m slightly interested in is what course they did but, again, it doesn’t actually matter to me.

Your DH sounds insufferable to be honest.

Whapples · 23/08/2023 03:11

A 2:2 is still great. Especially as you’ve gone on to do a masters and are now in rare disease research. As someone with a rare disease, I don’t care what you got, thank you for using your intelligence to help others like me.
I got a 2:2. My partner always comments on how proud he is of how much I’ve made out of my career. He would never belittle me or anyone else. Your partner needs to learn that results don’t make a person intelligent (or above others!)

Original poster
Plutoshooto · 23/08/2023 03:14

Whapples · 23/08/2023 03:11

A 2:2 is still great. Especially as you’ve gone on to do a masters and are now in rare disease research. As someone with a rare disease, I don’t care what you got, thank you for using your intelligence to help others like me.
I got a 2:2. My partner always comments on how proud he is of how much I’ve made out of my career. He would never belittle me or anyone else. Your partner needs to learn that results don’t make a person intelligent (or above others!)

☺️ that is a very kind comment, thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
Plutoshooto · 23/08/2023 03:16

I think with regards to the fixating on something so long ago.. it isn't that he really is fixated it's just my sibling and cousins are all quite young and going through the university process and it's a topic that's come up fairly recently. But also maybe life has been very work-heavy for him until maybe the last 3 years where he is finally getting to live life a bit more - and so maybe bizarrely he only really has memories of life itself from a very long time ago

OP posts:
user1492757084 · 23/08/2023 03:21

I would only tell him ..

When your child is studying and your husband is advising how they need to do their best and obtain great results.

Netaporter · 23/08/2023 03:22

I’d also offer my congratulations on the Masters. I did absolutely zero work at Uni so I’m always in awe of anyone who carried on studying 👏

Planesmistakenforstars · 23/08/2023 03:28

it's just my sibling and cousins are all quite young and going through the university process and it's a topic that's come up fairly recently

I still don't see how this leads to disparaging comments about other people's intelligence, unless he is an insufferable prick. My cousin is heading off to uni in September. No one has said "oh there are some real thickos who get 2.2, make sure you're not one of them! hahahahah" because they're not insufferable pricks.

GoodVibesHere · 23/08/2023 03:34

He must really hate people who don't have a degree.

Fraaahnces · 23/08/2023 03:38

Why the hell are you protecting his ego like that?

Oblomov23 · 23/08/2023 03:42

What a prick.

determinedtomakethiswork · 23/08/2023 03:43

Is he perhaps scared you got a first?

WiddlinDiddlin · 23/08/2023 03:53

Nobhead. I wouldn't be able to restrain myself, the next time he says something like that, I'd say 'oh, like me? I have a 2:2... your point is what exactly?'

Does he have an MA?

DoughnutDreams · 23/08/2023 04:05

Is he likely to use it against you to belittle you? It's none of his business but you have every right to be proud of your achievements.

Exam grades and degree classifications don't define a person. Often there are barriers to achieving grades that have nothing to do with academic ability.

Ultimately it's not keeping a secret as it is irrelevant, however you might want to discuss it at some point when encouraging a younger student who might be struggling.

Yalta · 23/08/2023 04:11

What does he think who didn't go to university and left school at 16

ringsaglitter · 23/08/2023 04:15

@Yalta

I had no opinion until I saw how badly this sentence is written!

What does he think who didn't go to university and left school at 16...........

You mean:

What does he think OF PEOPLE who didn't go to university, and left school at 16?

W0tnow · 23/08/2023 04:15

Not the point, but your job sounds totally cool! Did you do Biomedical sciences?

slashlover · 23/08/2023 04:19

ringsaglitter · 23/08/2023 04:15

@Yalta

I had no opinion until I saw how badly this sentence is written!

What does he think who didn't go to university and left school at 16...........

You mean:

What does he think OF PEOPLE who didn't go to university, and left school at 16?

Looks like OP's DH isn't the only insufferable person on this thread now.

evuscha · 23/08/2023 04:20

Netaporter · 23/08/2023 02:57

Oh I’d be waiting for him to say something disparaging publicly about someone with a 2:2 and then drop in, ‘like me, you mean?’ And watch him squirm. It does sound like he’s a bit insecure though. Who the fuck mentions their degree grades beyond job applications or beyond the week you graduated?

I also have a 2:2. Also very much enjoyed myself at uni 😂

I was just about to say - who even cares about degrees these days? Especially since it sounds like you’re very accomplished in your career anyway! I don’t think you have anything to be ashamed of tbh, so I would tell him for a laugh - like some PP suggested, after he makes a mean comment about someone again.