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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Harbouring a secret from DH

164 replies

Plutoshooto · 23/08/2023 02:05

Mildly light-hearted but also serious... I got a 2.2 at a RG university. In conversation DH alluded to how everyone he knows has 2.1s or better. It's come up a few times and I've either kept quiet or played along. I'm embarrassed to admit it. On my CV is just says the name of my degree but not the grade. One time DH found out someone had a 2.2 and made a not nice comment about them. DH is Oxbridge educated, in a very 'intellectual' job where you can't really get in unless your academics are excellent. I'm a scientist in rare diseases research so I guess DH assumed I did well in my undergraduate degree.. I've done done a Master's where I got one of the top results (I think another reason why he assumes I have a 2.1). DH and I have been together for 4 years if relevant.
Should I tell him? AIBU? Or shall I keep it a secret forever?

OP posts:
Batalax · 23/08/2023 09:59

And a 2:2 is a beer drinkers degree. Just shows you had a better time than him.

HerMammy · 23/08/2023 10:02

And there we have it, yet again, when pps point out the man is a rude horrible person the DW response is i think he's on the spectrum.
You do know being on the spectrum doesn't automatically mean your a rude hurtful person.

Dumbndumber · 23/08/2023 10:02

I got a 2:2 in Biochemistry. I have extreme anxiety around exams, especially oral ones, and a large part of our mark was an oral presentation of our work/project. I point blank refused to do it (I did try hypnotherapy, but it didn't work). I was called into see the head of dept and told I was only a couple of marks away from a 2:1, and even just showing up for the presentation, and not doing very well, would give me a 2:1. I still couldn't do it and almost quit due to the stress it caused.I don't tell people my mark because of people like your dh. I'm ashamed of what I got and feel like I let everyone down as I was the first one in my entire family ever to go to university, and people like your dh make these feelings of mine worse.I did go on to do a PGCE, but due to tragic circumstances, I've never used my degree and I now have no confidence in my abilities and feel stupid a lot.

JoanOfAllTrades · 23/08/2023 10:02

ringsaglitter · 23/08/2023 04:15

@Yalta

I had no opinion until I saw how badly this sentence is written!

What does he think who didn't go to university and left school at 16...........

You mean:

What does he think OF PEOPLE who didn't go to university, and left school at 16?

Seriously? 🙄

Dumbndumber · 23/08/2023 10:06

Forgot to add my vote......Btw, YANBU.

Also meant to say:
I worked hard at uni, but also held down a job all the way through and, tbf, I did party hard, too, and did lots of clubs/activities that took up a lot of my time (certainly in the 1st 2 years).

rainbowstardrops · 23/08/2023 10:06

Dumbndumber · 23/08/2023 10:02

I got a 2:2 in Biochemistry. I have extreme anxiety around exams, especially oral ones, and a large part of our mark was an oral presentation of our work/project. I point blank refused to do it (I did try hypnotherapy, but it didn't work). I was called into see the head of dept and told I was only a couple of marks away from a 2:1, and even just showing up for the presentation, and not doing very well, would give me a 2:1. I still couldn't do it and almost quit due to the stress it caused.I don't tell people my mark because of people like your dh. I'm ashamed of what I got and feel like I let everyone down as I was the first one in my entire family ever to go to university, and people like your dh make these feelings of mine worse.I did go on to do a PGCE, but due to tragic circumstances, I've never used my degree and I now have no confidence in my abilities and feel stupid a lot.

Oh that's so sad to read. You're definitely not stupid, please try not to think like that. Aww Flowers

Dumbndumber · 23/08/2023 10:08

I also got my degree in the early 90s, so it's also a bit different to nowadays.

Dumbndumber · 23/08/2023 10:11

@rainbowstardrops thanks, that's sweet of you to say.
It's hard to believe though, especially when your parents think you wasted your opportunities, and weren't shy in telling me so.

Fallingthroughclouds · 23/08/2023 10:13

ringsaglitter · 23/08/2023 04:15

@Yalta

I had no opinion until I saw how badly this sentence is written!

What does he think who didn't go to university and left school at 16...........

You mean:

What does he think OF PEOPLE who didn't go to university, and left school at 16?

What an unsufferable bully. Sorry I mean: WHAT AN UNSUFFERABLE BULLY.

horseyhorsey17 · 23/08/2023 10:14

I got a 2:2 as I really struggled with my mental health all the way through university (and beyond) and suffered badly with depression, severe anxiety, and ADHD. I wish it was the case that my 2:2 indicated that I had a great time at university - quite the opposite, sadly! I've also never told anyone as I know people just expect me to get at least a 2:1 as I was a straight As student before that. It sounds like I am making excuses with 'mental health' but I'm not. So yeah, judgy people can eff off, really. Oxbridge educated people are the worst for being judgy and chippy about the education other people have had. Superiority complex central!

Coolblur · 23/08/2023 10:14

Why does it even matter? It's what you do with it that counts. You're in a career that you presumably worked hard to establish, in an intellectual field (not that it matters) and you now have a Masters. If he thinks this is important and would judge you then he's clearly shallow, and you should think less of him for that, not the other way round.

Plenty of people have multiple degrees, PhDs etc but they never do anything with it, they're just perpetual students. Fine if they're independently wealthy and passing the time, but otherwise what is the point?

Degrees like school exams are a means to an end, and very much not the measure of a successful person.

Babyenroute · 23/08/2023 10:16

I got a 2:2 as well. I was also really ashamed at first but now I am proud of my self for getting my degree and like you it has had no impact on my career (still got on a good grad programme and doing well). Unlike some I didn't have a very good time- my DB passed away two weeks before 1st year started and his funeral was actually the day before I moved into halls so I so easily could have not pulled it together and got on with it as best as I could. My husband says he is very proud, yours sounds like he can be quite judgemental but I'm sure if he knew that you got a 2:2 it would open his eyes.

Sceptre86 · 23/08/2023 10:17

A 2:2 nowadays won't get you on to many postgraduate courses though, very unlikely for any that are competitive, most state a minimum of a 2:1. It's similar for graduate schemes too, with a 2:1 being the minimum that most will consider. That being said your MA trumps your degree anyway. There's no need for him to be snobby about degree classifications so actually I would just casually mention it.

rainbowstardrops · 23/08/2023 10:19

Dumbndumber · 23/08/2023 10:11

@rainbowstardrops thanks, that's sweet of you to say.
It's hard to believe though, especially when your parents think you wasted your opportunities, and weren't shy in telling me so.

Oh that's not good. I might have felt a bit frustrated at my DS because I know he could have tried harder and potentially achieve a 2:1 but he enjoyed uni and it was character building for him. He's the first in the family to go to uni and I was just incredibly proud of him for moving 5 hours away and getting a 2:2. I would never have told him I was disappointed in him because I wasn't.

Babyenroute · 23/08/2023 10:20

@Sceptre86 I thought graduate schemes were more going down the route of removing the requirements having proven they don't really make a difference - certainly what I have heard anyway and the way it is at the company I work for in financial services

ICanBuyMyOwnBooks · 23/08/2023 10:21

I got a 2.2. My DF was seriously ill during my final year and I was a mess. But then I got a distinction for my post-grad. My DH knows my every mark from primary school up Wink but he is not an arse.
I think keeping your grade quiet is about your DH but it's also a bit about you. I guess you feel that mark doesn't represent who you were at university. Maybe tease out why it bothers you so much. Make peace with it for you. Then decide whether or not to tell your DH.

horseyhorsey17 · 23/08/2023 10:21

Dumbndumber · 23/08/2023 10:02

I got a 2:2 in Biochemistry. I have extreme anxiety around exams, especially oral ones, and a large part of our mark was an oral presentation of our work/project. I point blank refused to do it (I did try hypnotherapy, but it didn't work). I was called into see the head of dept and told I was only a couple of marks away from a 2:1, and even just showing up for the presentation, and not doing very well, would give me a 2:1. I still couldn't do it and almost quit due to the stress it caused.I don't tell people my mark because of people like your dh. I'm ashamed of what I got and feel like I let everyone down as I was the first one in my entire family ever to go to university, and people like your dh make these feelings of mine worse.I did go on to do a PGCE, but due to tragic circumstances, I've never used my degree and I now have no confidence in my abilities and feel stupid a lot.

I'm sorry to hear this. It confirms my thoughts about university, which is that they go with a 'one size fits all' approach and actually couldn't really care less about the students. I also got a 2:2 as my mental health was awful while I was at university, and I tried to tell them about this but got absolutely no allowance made whatsoever. Pastoral care was basically non-existent in the 90s. Thing is, I am doing a Masters now and I thought it would be great and really healing...but it isn't. Nothing has changed and it's still about just getting students through the system and never mind what's going on with them. I wouldn't have started the damn Masters had I known my dad was going to die and I was going to separate from my husband and have to move house, but that did happen. I was told however that none of this will be taken into consideration with my marks! And it's not that my marks are bad - they're good - but they could be better as obviously the last year has been a challenge, so much so that I've stepped away from the Masters for now.

Long story short - don't let what some uncaring university professors - who are probably only teaching to fund their own research - have to say about you influence your self-perception. They only see one tiny part of you and have no idea how clever you are really.

Bluepiano · 23/08/2023 10:21

Aquamarine1029 · 23/08/2023 02:10

One time DH found out someone had a 2.2 and made a not nice comment about them.

Tell him to stop being such an insufferable prick.

Absolutely this!

aelf · 23/08/2023 10:22

I graduated with a 2.2 recently and my DH was thrilled for me. Got the same job as my higher achieving peers so 💁

ThanksItHasPockets · 23/08/2023 10:24

The 'Oxbridge prick' comments are tiresome. Oxford and Cambridge give out Lower Seconds and even (gasp) Thirds.

Just tell him, OP, and tell him not to be a twat about it.

horseyhorsey17 · 23/08/2023 10:25

Sceptre86 · 23/08/2023 10:17

A 2:2 nowadays won't get you on to many postgraduate courses though, very unlikely for any that are competitive, most state a minimum of a 2:1. It's similar for graduate schemes too, with a 2:1 being the minimum that most will consider. That being said your MA trumps your degree anyway. There's no need for him to be snobby about degree classifications so actually I would just casually mention it.

You can still get on them if you've got relevant and provable experience.

WisherWood · 23/08/2023 10:31

ThanksItHasPockets · 23/08/2023 10:24

The 'Oxbridge prick' comments are tiresome. Oxford and Cambridge give out Lower Seconds and even (gasp) Thirds.

Just tell him, OP, and tell him not to be a twat about it.

There's a fair bit of anti-intellectualism on this thread. I get that it's annoying being judged for your degree result. Slagging people off because they did well and claiming that it's because they were just anti-social and worked hard isn't much better really.

WongWifi · 23/08/2023 10:36

I don’t believe in this modern concept of being “honest” about every little thing in a relationship. You are your own person and have every right to privacy. Why do you need to confess?

ManateeFair · 23/08/2023 10:36

I honestly can't imagine being in a relationship where degree results are something that anyone even thinks about, let alone judges their friends or spouse on.

I haven't got a clue what degree results any of my friends got, or in many cases if they went to university or not. This is something I thought people stopped being interested in at the age of 22.

peachgreen · 23/08/2023 10:43

I cannot believe people still talk about their degree results after anything longer than maybe five years. How embarrassing of your DH, tbh. And for the record I say that as someone who got a First (and had absolutely no fun at university as a result).

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