Just want to go home and live with my mum

[Aserena]

I suppose you could say I’m a successful independent woman.
Left home at 18. BSc, MA, Phd. Got a good career which is stressful sometimes but overall I enjoy it. Bought my own house. Good group of friends. Single but content with that. Own a little dog. Go on a nice holiday every couple of years.

I’m 38, and really very lucky- I know have a good life.

And yet, if I am perfectly honest, there is quite a large part of me, that would like to chuck the job, sell the house and go home to live with my mum. Get a job at a supermarket somewhere.

Living alone is hard. Keeping on top of the housework, working full time, maintaining friendships and social connections. I can do it, but it’s just relentless, and I’m not as good at any of it as I want to be. I’m feeling fed up.

I feel as though I left home at 18, all wide eyed and excited, wondering what the world held in store. And now, like a day out at the theme park, I’ve been around a good few times, done all the things, won some prizes, got the T-shirts, had a good time but now I’m tired and I’m ready to come home again.

I’m probably not going to. But AIBU to feel this way?

I can understand how you feel, although I am different to you in that I am 43 and have never left home. I did go away to university, but that was over 20 years ago now and after I graduated I moved back home and never left. I used to do a lot with my mum until she died almost 2 years ago. I was never bothered about a partner or children and have never had many friends. I suspect I may be autistic though as I have all sorts of anxiety and other issues, although it has never been formally diagnosed.

What a previous poster said about it hitting you so much harder when your mum dies if you live with her is very true though. I took 7 months off work after she died and still struggle with it every day. I now live with my dad, who is much older than my mum and since she died have had to learn everything about running a house etc, which I should have learned 20 years ago.

I know my mum always wanted me to be more independent and buy my own house and I know she would have been less worried about what would happen to me after she had gone if I had done this, particularly if I had a partner.

I think what previous posters have said about moving closer to your mum rather than back in with her would be a good idea given that you are used to being independent and something I should have done in hindsight. As much as I would give anything to have my mum back she did drive me mad at times and infantilised me to a large extent, which my dad also acknowledges, which has now left me feeling like a child trying to navigate an adult world without her.

Do it but don’t chuck in the career or job you have built up. Take some time out, go stay with your mum or plan a vacation for you both. Let yourself be cared for and loved. It just sounds like you’re a bit lonely and need time to gather your thoughts and feelings and just consider your living arrangements and job.

If you enjoy time with your mum, maybe put your house on rent and change jobs if needed, to be with her. Life is too short and it sounds like you have nothing really holding you back from doing what you really want.

Yanbu x

Take your mum on a cruise and just relax 😂

Honestly, understand this completely. I moved out at 18, have bought house, had kids, have great partner and dog. But last 3 years at work have been tough. I worked hard during Covid when lots in my business got to get fully paid but stay at home not working because they couldn’t.
i made decision to move up a grade and branch out to other area of business, it was good move as learnt more and then a year later I moved area again. But it been tough i had little support and now feel I would rather just enjoy my life than worry and stress. But it’s not possible yet and when it is, think I’ll be too old to enjoy it

Life is too short, so do what feels best for you. You have proved to the world that you are successful, you have nothing left to prove so do what makes you happy, move in with your mum, rent your house out, work in a book shop or somewhere else that is enjoyable. We don't have our parents forever.

When people think of suicide or ending it all, it's frequently thought that end of life as in death is their goal.

What you're suffering from is a form of a desire to end your life. To run to somewhere safe. To chuck in everything you have. It's ending your life but not in a death sense.

There are lots of reasons for this but it might be worth talking to your GP about how you feel, or you may need to make some life changes.

Find out what makes you happy and do it. And if it really is your Mum, and a much simpler job then go for it.

I do live with my mum..She's a young widow and I'm a lone parent, so it works great for both of us, company, bills shared and childcare for me when I'm working, which is only part time atm cos my dd is still very young. I can see why you'd want to do it,if it'd work for you both, go for it, it's doesn't need to be permanently

I totally empathise - and sympathise! No, you are not being unreasonable. I get you.

My suggestion would be to get rid of the stuff that eats time but isn't worth it - find a cleaner, laundry and ironing services for instance. Then set out to live! Try new experiences to find things you do enjoy.
Take a break from work - maybe treat your Mum, and resolve to spend more time with her.
Think about life coaching or career coaching. Invest your time in finding out what you really want to do, and how you want to spend your time. You only live once - make it matter. Good luck!

Isn’t this why we take time off and go on holidays? Plan a trip, go somewhere new. Try to have something fun planned for every weekend.
I’m a single woman living alone, I work full time and I have too many empty hours in the evenings and at weekends, I wonder what I’m not doing that you are?

I really feel for you and understand it completely. I don't know if it ever really goes. I'm 32 and married with a toddler and I still feel like this sometimes. Being an adult is really hard and sometimes we just want to be looked after. But your ambition and resulting success tells me that you're someone who is a high achiever who may become restless with that life eventually. Yet if you really crave it for months on end then nothing is stopping you.

Seek comfort in whatever you need, visit your mum often and speak when you're apart, use your holidays and weekends to stay with her and be looked after. We all need taking care of. Be kind to yourself and think about looking for a new job xxx

Honestly I did the same, university lived abroad for years etc etc then in my 30’s moved in with my parents in the countryside for a year due to the pandemic. Was happier than I had ever been. Now in a relationship, with a baby (who I adore) but most days I honestly long to be with my mum. Not sure why it’s so stigmatized. Life is hard and short. Why can’t we be with the person we love most.

Would it be possible to take six month sabbatical? Let your home, go and stay with your mother, do some voluntary work (if your sabbatical is paid) and see how it goes? Better than throwing it all away because you’re feeling overwhelmed at the moment?

If you want to JUST. DO. IT.

You will make a different life and all will be fine xx

And yet I've just posted how moving back in with my mum has been anything but fine. I'm earmarked to be her carer now she's infirm because I live with her. How am I supposed to work.

It's anything but fine!

Has ANYONE including the op, asked mum if she's happy with this?

@ShellySarah I was my Mum's carer and my Dad's and I managed to work a demanding job and look after three kids - when they became really bad I had some help. It depends on your Mum's condition - you might get some local authority help or you or she might need to pay depending on your means but there might be a way for you to keep your job. May be ask for a care assessment for Mum? GPs can also give good advice. Hope it works out for you.

Awww, this is so lovely. It made me well up a bit 🥺💖

Exactly this.
Could you both sell your properties to but something you can live in together? Buy houses as next door neighbours or same street? Or make upgrades to your mums place? Just so you are together, but not on top of one another and there is some flexibility on living space, should you get into a long term relationship, have children, etc.
If it's doable, look into it. Be happy and if that is a big change, go for it. Good luck!

Poor mum

I got a bit disenchanted with doing everything myself so I moved back to parents. I wish now I'd had more money so that I could maybe have bought a bungalow and future proofed things a bit and moved them in with me. In the end I still think I would do it all again. I loved them, miss them, but glad I did it. They were fabulous. I am still fit enough to have another crack at life. Maybe slightly slower, but I have no regrets.

And yet I've just posted how moving back in with my mum has been anything but fine. I'm earmarked to be her carer now she's infirm because I live with her. How am I supposed to work

Your mother turned down a care home. Not all mothers are the same.

And yet the OP doesn't know what her mum would choose.

The suggestions on this thread are quite irresponsible. Particularly the suggestion that the OP and her mum club together and buy a property together. So if the mother ever needs a care home and would agree to go to one, the house the OP owns with her mum would be considered for care home fees and be expected to sell it to pay the same.

dont move back in with your mum Op

life as a single person living alone isn’t THAT hard. Just get a cleaner find that makes life a lot easier for you also online food shop