Just want to go home and live with my mum

[Aserena]

I suppose you could say I’m a successful independent woman.
Left home at 18. BSc, MA, Phd. Got a good career which is stressful sometimes but overall I enjoy it. Bought my own house. Good group of friends. Single but content with that. Own a little dog. Go on a nice holiday every couple of years.

I’m 38, and really very lucky- I know have a good life.

And yet, if I am perfectly honest, there is quite a large part of me, that would like to chuck the job, sell the house and go home to live with my mum. Get a job at a supermarket somewhere.

Living alone is hard. Keeping on top of the housework, working full time, maintaining friendships and social connections. I can do it, but it’s just relentless, and I’m not as good at any of it as I want to be. I’m feeling fed up.

I feel as though I left home at 18, all wide eyed and excited, wondering what the world held in store. And now, like a day out at the theme park, I’ve been around a good few times, done all the things, won some prizes, got the T-shirts, had a good time but now I’m tired and I’m ready to come home again.

I’m probably not going to. But AIBU to feel this way?

Are you able to take a sabbatical, go home for a bit and try it out?
Or investigate what sort of work might be available, particularly with the ability to work remotely.
Not wishing to put down anyone working in a supermarket, but you may not need to give up your career.
I shifted down for a bit and took a less senior role - i actually found the lack of control just as stressful.

I would also suggest for the tiredness:
Get a cleaner
Get a dogwalker
Take a staycation in a hotel
Consider Hello Fresh or similar meal service
For friends, try meeting in a group which meets regularly so you don't have to chase

Yes, its the "rest and be looked after" bit. Someone used to say how easy it was for single people, they just need to look after themselves. But its tough OP isn't it? This person is no longer in a relationship and now realises how hard it is. There's no down time, no one to bring a cup of cup of tea when you're tired or walk the dog if you've had a long day. I dont know what the answer is. A house share with a friend maybe x

I couldn’t actually live with my mum. She drives me crackers. But I would very much like to be looked after for a bit.

Hello- just popping on here to say I did this! Bit older than you though, so Mum a bit older. But absolutely no regrets. Do it! Mum isn’t getting any younger - so spend the time with her now while you can. All the best OP and for both your sakes, I hope you do it xx

Getting a cleaner sounds like a good plan

Take a month of remote working and go and stay with her - might help to really test out whether you’d enjoy it longer term!

Could it be an option to move near her? I wonder if that might be the best of both worlds? Keep your independence and a place to retreat if she’s annoying you, but you could see her easily, have a few dinners per week together, etc? I know someone in his mid 30s who lived round the corner from his parents and did this and it seemed nice, he had his own life but they were constantly dropping round at each other’s

I hear you OP

I did this

Well in fact I left home
Did well
Doctorate etc
Own business

Then fled domestic violence

Was lucky in that my father had a spare room
Went to live with him and never left

Was lucky to be able to care for him in his final years

You do what makes you happy OP

Life is to short
Could you go part time ?
Love with your mum a few days a week ?

Just wondering

Wishing you all the best

I’d LOVE to go and live with my mum. Every time we’ve done work on my house my family has decamped to live with her. Even my DH would love to live there.
I think there’s a comfort in it.
i suppose for her it might not be as joyous, my mum although she loves us, I know she loves her independence.
Not to sound like I’m weening myself off my mum but I know she’s older and once she goes it’s going to be hard enough but if we live together it would be even harder.

I still want to go and live with my mum too. But it would involve some time travel - best would be to have ditched my useless husband after DC2 was born, and replaced him with Mum. I think she would have quite liked that too.

Thanks for all the suggestions. Cleaner is a good idea, I guess I just feel a bit extravagant doing that, I feel as though I should be able to go it myself really, I only have a small house and it’s only me in living here. I like the idea of dog walking, except I need to do it myself for the exercise really.

A sabbatical would be lovely, I’ll have a think about that one, although mortgage still needs to be paid.

This might be holiday blues tbh, I’m actually on annual leave right now, but back to work in the morning and I’m not looking forward to it very much (although no big problems with the job either).

I also hate the term ‘adulting’ but…. yeah. that’s what I’m tired of. Or at least wish I was better at.

Living alone is hard. Keeping on top of the housework, working full time, maintaining friendships and social connections. I can do it, but it’s just relentless, and I’m not as good at any of it as I want to be. I’m feeling fed up.

Reading between the lines, you sound tired, a bit lonely and missing the ease of company and love mum will provide. In your present situation you’re having to work, make a concerted effort, to have a fulfilling life whereas mum will automatically give and preempt your wants. Living with her for a week is probably all you need to restore and revive your spirits. Don’t chuck it all in. (I speak from experience - the mum to the high achieving 38 year old.)

Don't ever feel guilty about getting a cleaner or buying in any help you need.

So happy to hear you escaped the DV and things turned out well for you 💐
Yes, maybe I do need to move a bit closer to her and we can support each other a bit more. She’s on her own too.

I think everyone should move home and be happy.

You’ve hit the nail on the head I think. You sound like a lovely mum 🤗

that is what I miss most about my mum, the totally unconditional love, she was my biggest champion

Why not do it? Plenty of people of all ages live with family. A friend of mine lives with her two children and her mum. They love it.

If you get on with family why not stay together?

I think it’s a normal response to being a bit overwhelmed or burnt out. Your mum is symbolic of being a child and free of responsibility. Plus she loves you unconditionally and used to be able to make everything ok… why wouldn’t you sometimes want to go ‘home’?

I second the PP who said to take some annual leave and go home for a week or so. See how you feel after a bit of quality time .

My friend lives with her mum. Moved out for a time qualified and worked as a teacher then had her daughter and moved back in with her mum as it didn’t work out with the father of the baby. Child is a teenager now, friend gave up career and now works as a cleaner but is happy as Larry ! They sort finances between them go on days out and holidays together. Share cookie and chores. Her mum is also single. Separately they would both be lonely and struggling on one income. Go for it if you would be happier!

Sorry should have said shared childcare and chores!

I would really think about a sabbatical. If you give yourself a deadline, you can save up a bit, arrange to rent out your home, go housesitting in another country, etc.

Or save your annual leave for a longer trip somewhere. It doesn't need to be expensive, you can look into career courses that your work might subsidize.

A bit like PP, I don’t want to sound like I’m ‘weaning’ myself off my mum, who fortunately at the moment is in good health, but I just know I am going to be utterly bereft when the day comes when I have to live without her. I cry just thinking about it. And if we live together it will be an even bigger adjustment, and her house will unfortunately have to be sold as I am one of 3 siblings, so I would lose my home as well and have to get used to living independently all over again, only without her support.
Maybe I should be thinking of moving closer to her rather than actually moving back in.

Do what makes you happy OP- dint follow the expectations of other people and how they measure success. If a low pressure job and living with your Mum is what makes you feel happy and relaxed then make it so

This sounds like such a lovely life!

Humans are made to have deep, secure, long term and dependable relationships.