Just want to go home and live with my mum

[Aserena]

I suppose you could say I’m a successful independent woman.
Left home at 18. BSc, MA, Phd. Got a good career which is stressful sometimes but overall I enjoy it. Bought my own house. Good group of friends. Single but content with that. Own a little dog. Go on a nice holiday every couple of years.

I’m 38, and really very lucky- I know have a good life.

And yet, if I am perfectly honest, there is quite a large part of me, that would like to chuck the job, sell the house and go home to live with my mum. Get a job at a supermarket somewhere.

Living alone is hard. Keeping on top of the housework, working full time, maintaining friendships and social connections. I can do it, but it’s just relentless, and I’m not as good at any of it as I want to be. I’m feeling fed up.

I feel as though I left home at 18, all wide eyed and excited, wondering what the world held in store. And now, like a day out at the theme park, I’ve been around a good few times, done all the things, won some prizes, got the T-shirts, had a good time but now I’m tired and I’m ready to come home again.

I’m probably not going to. But AIBU to feel this way?

https://diggersanddreamers.org.uk/communities/south-east

https://www.standard.co.uk/insider/london-commune-living-housing-co-op-b953403.html

Any big changes bring new stresses. Different ones. A supermarket job would be hugely stressful. Being ordered about by people far younger, less knowledgable than you and being paid peanuts for it. Not being able to afford simple pleasures because of minimum wage. rude customers. Living with your mum could be lovely but as she gets older and frailer, you;d have a carer's responsibility and anyone who has done that can say it is one of the loneliest and most stressful roles in life.

Just go and visit her for a long stay. Take some unpaid leave if necessary. Spend time together.

Come home and simplify your life. Make it easier - simpler food, someone to clean and do the ironing, change the bedding once a week. If you can afford that, why not?

Old cliche but a change is as good as a rest, Maybe it's the rut as much as the grind. Can you look into a new yoga or meditation class? Something calming and nurturing, not demanding. Or a friendly crafting class - felting or painting - something relatively easy to get the hang of. Or join the Ramblers. I think a weekly hill walk with a bunch of mild eccentrics would do me the world of good and I plan to do this once we move house.

Is there a reason why you’re not in a relationship, not thinking of a relationship, for companionship rather than your mum?

I’m sure your mum loves you but she may not want to live with you. And even if she does that rather ends the relationship road or at least makes it more problematic.

With only yourself to feed I’m sure you can afford a cleaner.

You are 38, get yourself out there and find someone to share your life with. Living with your mum wouldn't solve your problems, since you've lived alone for so long you'll likely find it hard to go back and live under your mum's rules. No harm in moving closer so you could see her more often but really you need to build you're own life. You've got a good education, career, house and a job. Nows the time to put yourself out there and start dating, find someone to share the life you've built to go on new adventures with.

A supermarket job would be hugely stressful.

Right. Any customer facing role is really stressful. I wouldn’t ever think of that as a low stress job.

Slightly off topic, but it is sooo nice to hear all the posters on here talking so highly of their mums and dads, and actually knowing they r loved and wanting to be with them :)

I am a mum and reading Mumsnet I often end up feeling that no matter what I do, my DC will end up hating me, going NC and that I'll die never having met my grandchildren or understanding what I did wrong for them to hate me so much!! So hearing that some adult children value their parents, feel loved and still remember feeling 'looked after' has been very nice to see :) thanks!

Have you decided that finding a partner, having kids is not for you? If so then you are pretty much free to live whichever life you want to - the only person you need to please is yourself.

if you do want to have your own family then I suspect that moving back with your mum is not going to be a step towards that.

i think it can be just a daunting to have too many options open to you as it can to have too few (or at least choices where you have to take other people’s needs / wishes / preferences into account).

tbh you sound a bit lonely to me and you are turning to your mum to fill that gap. There’s nothing wrong with that, as long as it’s what you both want.

My boys are both still preschool age, but if they wanted to move back in with me as adults I would be delighted! They are the loves of my life. I’m lucky that my mum & dad moved to live just round the corner from us and I see or speak to them most days, they did want us to buy a house all together but my DH said no. Did I consider leaving DH to buy a house with my mum & dad? Maybe, just for a moment 😂

I do have little sleepovers with my Mum.

Go round on a Saturday, watch Strictly and have a takeaway and some wine.

Then up the next day for a walk and a coffee and then she makes me breakfast. I love it 😀 🤣

I have a bit of a pipe dream that my mum will sell up and come at live next door to me one day. At the moment she cares for my Grandfather who is in his mid nineties but that won't be forever and I'd like to have her company and for us to support each other and for her to be around the DC more which they would all love.

Be prepared to be judged heavily for 'still living at home'.
I know this well.
It's your life though. We aren't just put on this earth to run ourselves ragged, pay bills and then die. If you want to move back then do it for you. Not based on the opinions of anyone else.

There are lots of things you could do to make your life easier OP, like the cleaner, etc.

if your job really is making you miserable then there’s absolutely no shame in looking for a different one, relocating closer to your mother and/or reducing your hours. Or even retraining. It doesn’t have to be too drastic! Maybe a career coach can help you there?

Why don’t you go and stay with your Mum for a couple of weeks and see how you get on? Chances are, if you haven’t lived at home since you were 18, that she would drive you potty anyway!

Because you are 38 now and the warm memories you have about living at home and being taken care of can't be recreated in the same way once you have lived independently. I think you would destroy those lovely memories if you tried.

I relate to how you feIt when you left home, I was excited and full of energy and now I feel worn out and bored with arranging for the car to be serviced, making the dog a vet appointment, shopping around for insurance and doing yet another load of washing etc. All my ideas about how free I would feel when I was independent were fantasies. I live alone too but have opted to keep my life quite simple life which makes me happy and contented.

If you are feeling overwhelmed by the relentless responsibilities of adulthood (who doesn't at times) then perhaps it would help to assess your priorities and pare things down a bit.

I can completely understand the desire to take a break from 'adulting' and I think a week's leave where you go home and cocoon is an excellent idea. A longer-term move to be closer to your mum is also worth exploring.

The rest of the fantasy is a bit Pulp Common People tbh. Working in a supermarket might mean less responsibility and work-based stress but it's incredibly naive and patronising to imagine this means an easy life. If you are in a reasonably senior professional role you cannot underestimate how hard you will find the lack of control and autonomy in a customer service or retail role.

I did it twice. But with my young daughter with me.. and was after breakups. I absolutely loved living with my Mum ( Dad had passed away) We got on great. We both had our own friends and did our own thing. ( l went to work and she helped look after my daughter) . She loved cooking.. l did the cleaning.
Sadly she passed away young age 63. I now live in the family home( alone). But luckily my daughters live close by with my Grandsons.. both have said many times.. l wish we go could back to living with you.
( No room).
I didn't have a big career but a good job.( not stressful) middle management.. Best part of the day was coming home to my Mums home cooked meal and the company.

Two words - Golden Girls.

Carrie Fisher lived next door to her mum!

Do what makes you both the happiest you can be.

Do you live near her? If not sell up and move near her.

As a young adult I made a decision never to leave my home town for this reason. I knew back then that I would miss my mum. I know now after the marriage, kids, job etc that I would simply never have left being close by to her.

I wouldn’t like living with her though but she’s a 10 minute drive away so I get to see her whenever I like.

It's a very British thing, this idea that people should all leave home as soon as possible to live in a shitty rented room somewhere alone rather than live with their parents. University students actually pretend they 'left home' when they went to university (presumably the same applies to the 11 year who went to boarding school, after all, boarding school terms are longer).

Why not live with your mum? If it makes you happy, and her happy, why on earth not? Zoom out and you'll see that living as one multi-generational family unit is perhaps more the natural way than this separatist, fend-for-yourself-and-let-everyone-else-fend-alone-too attitude that we have here.

University students actually pretend they 'left home' when they went to university

I'm not sure where the "pretending" comes in. Even if you return to your parents house (assuming they haven't moved, as some do) for the entirety of university holidays (which most students don't) spending 40 weeks a year living independently somewhere away from the family home where you are responsible for rent, bills etc is pretty much a definition of "leaving home".

Has it not occurred to you that perhaps your Mum feels the same as you?

Is Grandma still around???

Op many cultures do inter generational living and there is absolutely nothing at all wrong with living with your mum if that is what she wants?
Many people around me live so close they may as well be living in together and socialise weekly.

We are very odd in our attitude to parents in the UK.
If you enjoy her company and being closer wouldn't compromise that I would do it.
Life can be richer and happier with good family support.
I lived with my dm for a time after uni and I was heavily criticised by older siblings.. She was really lonely and I was struggling to find work so temped.
It worked well for us both and we had a genuine laugh with each other all the time, i really enjoyed socialising with her! She was good fun and easy going.

She sadly passed away a few years later.
I treasure that time.

I think people in menial jobs still have to work hard.

Believe me a supermarket job is not stress free. Rubbish shifts, constant requirement for customer service face and low wages to mention only some of the negatives.

Yes starting shifts 615am wouldn't be my cup of tea. Or finishing late eg 10pm.