Just want to go home and live with my mum

[Aserena]

I suppose you could say I’m a successful independent woman.
Left home at 18. BSc, MA, Phd. Got a good career which is stressful sometimes but overall I enjoy it. Bought my own house. Good group of friends. Single but content with that. Own a little dog. Go on a nice holiday every couple of years.

I’m 38, and really very lucky- I know have a good life.

And yet, if I am perfectly honest, there is quite a large part of me, that would like to chuck the job, sell the house and go home to live with my mum. Get a job at a supermarket somewhere.

Living alone is hard. Keeping on top of the housework, working full time, maintaining friendships and social connections. I can do it, but it’s just relentless, and I’m not as good at any of it as I want to be. I’m feeling fed up.

I feel as though I left home at 18, all wide eyed and excited, wondering what the world held in store. And now, like a day out at the theme park, I’ve been around a good few times, done all the things, won some prizes, got the T-shirts, had a good time but now I’m tired and I’m ready to come home again.

I’m probably not going to. But AIBU to feel this way?

I burnt out years ago, walked out my job at lunchtime, walked along the high street saw Woolworths were recruiting Christmas Temps, went in got an application form, started a few days later. It was bliss. Arrive at 8.55 leave at 6.00 nothing to think about when I got home.

I can relate to this, thirties, single, also fed up of doing everything alone (I appreciate it's less work than having small children but it's the grind of having to make every meal, make every decision alone, sort out everything that goes wrong, there is no division of tasks or responsibilities) I spend quite a lot of time with my parents and I don't think I could live with them again but am considering moving closer to them in the next few years.

I don't think it's so much so that they would 'care' for me and I also do a lot for them too (and I guess that will increase as they get older) it's just about being closer and sharing the load of some things and having some backup.

I used to peruse that site endlessly, back in the day when I’d just read Tobias Jones’ Utopian Dreams. 😀

Surprised at this thread as many do judge adults for living at home which is evident in other threads.

I think there’s a big difference between moving out, building your own independent life and career, and then choosing to move back, compared to never leaving due to inertia.

It's okay to feel the way you do, but if you think a supermarket job will be easy, low pressure, low stress then you'd have another thing coming. Have you ever worked a low paid, low autonomy, low respect, public-facing job?

I've had those sorts of job (sales assistant, waitress, checkouts etc.) and professional jobs carrying a lot of risk and I promise you, the former is much more stressful. Not just the lack of income, but the lack of autonomy and respect, having to put your hand up to go for a wee, being spoken to like crap, being bossed around by people only slightly higher up the rung whose power has gone straight to their heads, being told exactly when you'll take your break instead of having the freedom to go grab a snack.

It might do you some good to take that kind of job for a while, it would humble you that's for sure!

OP, I hear you! I think a lot of people can relate!

However, I wouldn’t move back in with your mum. I would move nearer to her instead. If you lived within a 5 min walk away for instance, you could see her everyday if that’s what you wanted to do, but also retain your own independence, which is vital imo, especially when it comes to property.

Also, the chances of you staying single for the rest of your life are low so keeping your own property would also be better for you if you met someone!

Oh, I would also keeep your job too but maybe put in a flexible working request and see if they’d let you do compressed hours or even part time, but definitely don’t give up a good career.

And get a cleaner if you want one- outsource as much as possible!

Or simply not being able to afford it as a single person? Try buying or even renting alone in London. People are ridiculous to judge in these times.

People are ridiculous to judge in these times.

I judge the fact that the mother's view on this has not apparently been consulted. She's a human being, not a house-owning teddy bear.

It's so hard when your Mum does. Make the very most of your Mum whilst you still have her OP. After my Mum died my eldest sister started to take on a bit of the role, ringing me more often as and checking with me if I'd booked my smear test, that type of thing.

Can you take a couple of weeks leave and go and stay with your Mum to get loved? It will reboot you.

It's the being looked after which is so appealing. I know a woman in her 30s, highly qualified, successful career, own house etc. Her Dad drives her to work each day for logistical reasons but also lovingly makes her a packed lunch with all her favourite things. She says it makes life so much more bearable.

I'm a similar age to you and feel the same. Just want to go home to my parents, have my dad around to fix my car if I need it, I can hang out with my mum on the weekends.

In reality it would drive me insane 😅

Why not?

I think it sounds lovely.

If it wasn't for the age I'd think you were my dd.

I think she's also "sick of adulting" but won't be moving back in with me!

This! It's as if 'mum' isn't a human in her own right, but merely a cardboard cut out support human.

Long time lurker and registered just to say this.

I moved back in with my mum when I was made redundant and enjoyed the company and stayed there. Been there about 4 years.

Now she is elderly and developed terminal cancer. She's largely immobile and they want to discharge her to my care with the minimum care contact hours for 2 weeks only.

The hospital have admitted that they wouldn't be sending her home if I didn't live there. So I'll be losing my independence and becoming a free carer. I'm not sure how they expect me to work and look after her.

Honestly don't lose your independence. You're a single woman as am I. It is not that hard.

How would you feel if your life involved a low wage and being a full time carer?

Oh and my mum has said no to a care home because she has me at home.

For the record I paid most of the bills and give her rent money and bought all the food too. In case anyone thinks I was living off her and owe her care now. Quite the contrary.

I lived at home for three months after my separation and it was amazing for about 2 months as I needed to feel safe and looked after, and then the last month we all got on each others tits. Having to answer questions life you are 13 is not fun. You sound sad though. Maybe you need to talk to a counselor about how you can feel more fulfilled?

Id love to have an empty house and a social life OP

but you sound bored and at a pivotal moment in your life. You need to shake it up

as for housework, get a cleaner! You work hard, presumably earn well? Spread your wealth

British women's reluctance to hire someone for their housework is crazy. There are stacks of people who LOVE cleaning, organising, tidying & so on. It's not something I can relate to 😂 but I have several friends who enjoy it (weirdos!) All my best cleaners have been vocational, not just doing it because they had to.

I'm sure they'd pay you or me for our professional skills if they need them; it makes sense to pay them for theirs.

How on Earth did you edit your post?!?

Do you have to work full time? Could you go part-time? Down size your responsibility and give yourself more quality time. Does your mum live far away? What about spending weekends or alternate weekends with her?

do you stay with your mum often? Not being facetious but I have to admit whenever I have a 'ahh it was so easy being a teenager' wobble, all it takes more than a day or two visiting my parents and (as much as I love them!) I can't wait to come back to MY home.

If you're really considering moving back, maybe try going on holiday together first? If you get annoyed then, when you're more relaxed and in a neutral space (rather than you moving into 'her' home) then living together might not be as ideal as you're dreaming!

Agree with other posters, there are probably other changes that would be easier and maybe more productive to make, such as moving closer/seeing your mum more, reducing or condensing hours so you get, for example, an extra days off every 2 weeks, going on a career break or just doing something new/out of the ordinary to disrupt the work-sleep-clean-socialise adulting revolving chore wheel. If you do decide you want to move in with her though, go for it, other people's ideas of what constitute successful/independent adulting are completely irrelevant.