Just want to go home and live with my mum

[Aserena]

I suppose you could say I’m a successful independent woman.
Left home at 18. BSc, MA, Phd. Got a good career which is stressful sometimes but overall I enjoy it. Bought my own house. Good group of friends. Single but content with that. Own a little dog. Go on a nice holiday every couple of years.

I’m 38, and really very lucky- I know have a good life.

And yet, if I am perfectly honest, there is quite a large part of me, that would like to chuck the job, sell the house and go home to live with my mum. Get a job at a supermarket somewhere.

Living alone is hard. Keeping on top of the housework, working full time, maintaining friendships and social connections. I can do it, but it’s just relentless, and I’m not as good at any of it as I want to be. I’m feeling fed up.

I feel as though I left home at 18, all wide eyed and excited, wondering what the world held in store. And now, like a day out at the theme park, I’ve been around a good few times, done all the things, won some prizes, got the T-shirts, had a good time but now I’m tired and I’m ready to come home again.

I’m probably not going to. But AIBU to feel this way?

I'd start off with a week at 'home' before thinking of moving back in full time.

If you were to move back in with your mum, you'd effectively be saying goodbye to any chance of meeting a partner and having children. Maybe you don't want a partner or children, but it's something to bear in mind. You and your mum would become a 'couple', and her inevitable death would hit you even harder than it would if you were independent and had a partner and/or family of your own.

What would your mum want? I have adult children and live on my own. I love them to bits and love them coming to stay, but I would not necessarily want them to stay forever. I don't always like living on my own, but I'd far rather that my children had their own families and lives. I also have my own way of doing things, and I'm perfectly happy to do it all differently when my DC are here, but I'm also glad to get back to normal once they've gone.

If you are struggling to look after yourself in your 30s, then it's not very fair to expect your mum, presumably in her 60s/70s to look after herself and you as well.

If you did decide to live together though, you could just rent out your current house so you would always have that to move back into if/when you needed to sell your mum's house.

You must be doing OK for money? So spend some of it making your life more fun! Pay a cleaner if you hate housework, start a new hobby, take your dog away to lovely cottages by the sea for the weekend, and eat a lot of chips in dog-friendly country pubs. Invite your mum along with you!

I think you are lonely OP, I think what is missing in your life is someone to do nothing with as they say. I am a single parent whose children are with them half the time but who are now teenagers and not far from flying the nest. I am staring down the barrel of living alone most of the time and it's daunting. Like you I have a fulfilling career, some good friends, a dog, a house, a reasonable income to do what I want within reason but I am lonely and sometimes get so tired of being responsible for everything. The children are good enough in their way but they don't see what needs to be done or do it spontaneously.

I recently got to be around my sister loads over a two week period including her staying with me for a few days and it was just lovely. I didn't have to make an effort like it sometimes feels with my friends, we could be in companionable silence and do our own thing, I could ask and she would offer to do things. Like I said, someone to do nothing with. Your mum sounds like she could offer that to you and its a very appealing thought. But before throwing everything to the wind, see if just seeing her more could give you injections of that. Or maybe some of your friends would be open to fulfilling that kind of thing, maybe they are a bit lonely too. We are so much pressure now to be GREAT, to be so busy and yet something is missing. Obviously many people choose to be or fall into a relationship - not sure if or why you have discounted that - but if we are not doesn't mean our yearnings for love, real connection, having that sense of ease and companionship go away. The life you have chosen has delivered so much and many - especially those in poor relationships - will ensure you your freedom, independence and success. But only you can know what you DON'T have, whether there are ways of fulfilling these needs within your current life or whether a more drastic change is needed- sabbatical, time away, travel, adventure or moving home (its own adventure!).

supermarket job in weekends can be very stressful. Better to have a stressful job which pays well than one that pays shit.

Move with your mum if you want and rent your home, then you can always move back if you find a partner (if you still want to have partneretc).

I'm with you, similar situation here! My DB constantly complains about my DMs 'online shopping habit'. Not because of the money but because he doesn't like clutter and thinks often rightly, it's a waste of money.

I see both sides as I mentioned before. It's my DMs money and her house so she can buy what she wants. The other side being she does buy a lot of stuff she doesn't need and that my DB (and me) would often see as 'crap' because she can't resist a sale and clicking on Amazon can become thoughtless and habitual. My DM isn't bothered by clutter and it drives my DB mad. But he is, as I am, extremely minimalist.

My DM does go over the top with her Amazon buys but also, it's not my DBs place to try and control her spending or purchases.

It goes on and on and is exhausting.

In reality, if you did live your mum you would probably drive each other mad and you’ll miss having your own place. I had to move back in with my parents for a bit and as much as I love them, we were all happy when I could move back to my own place.

Would your mum actually want you back permanently, as opposed to back for a visit? Her life may have moved on quite a lot since you left.

I’ll give you a very good reason. Humans are meant to live with people who love and care about them. We would have lived in small groups of around 100 and rarely encountered strangers. If we did, we’d feel very threatened and our stress response would have kicked in.

According to the book I’m reading The Compassionate Mind, being with people who care about us activates a system in our body that triggers a feeling of relaxation and safety. I’d already worked this one out to some degree….I knew I only felt relaxed at Christmas when my brother was around.

I do actually live with my mum. The safety thing doesn’t properly work because my mum is difficult but if you get on well with her then you have my full permission to do what you want to do. It’s hard to go against what society tells you you should be doing but you don’t have kids so you’ve no one to let down if it goes wrong. Make the most of that freedom!

Moving closer to her sounds like a good idea OP.

My sister is in a similar situation, same age as you, lives alone with her cat, can get quite lonely. But she lives Nextdoor to our mum, pops round regularly for a cuppa, they spend most evenings together watching TV and chatting and they both love their situation.

Maybe something to consider!

YANBU. I get you.

Share cookie and chores

I love this typo! It's what we want though.... someone to share the load and enjoy life's simple pleasures with. Home.

OP and for anyone who hasn't seen it, this illustrated article is for you.

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/06/this-is-why-ill-never-be-adult.html

There's no prize for sticking it out on your own and just accepting the loneliness. So in your shoes I would definitely think about moving in with your Mum (if that's what she wants too). I agree with others that I would think carefully about quitting your job though. Is part time an option? Could you do something like rent your property out, work Tuesday-Thursday rent a room a couple of nights a week and live with your Mum. Don't worry so much about what you 'should' be doing.

I am a lone parent and it's not possible for me to live with my Mum as my sister and her kids already do! My Mum just came on hols with me and my kids which was lovely. When I was driving home I switched over to my sunglasses and my Mum cleaned my normal glasses before putting them away for me - it's a bit daft but I almost burst into tears, it's lovely to feel so cared for.

I am sorry for those who don't have lovely mothers. I guess I took that for granted, but as I get older, I realise how lucky I am. ( MY dad was quite difficult though; could never have lived with him!) It's not that we don;t have our spats, but they blow over quickly.

In about 3 years, when she gets old, I plan to move my mum in with me, IF I can manage it. I am from a culture where this is normal and I realise I am lucky to be able to do that too.

Well a) would she like that? (love my kids, really don't want to live with them again)
b) what about your friends and your life where you are?
c) what would you do? You'd be bored after a month
d)why not look at your life and see what changes you need to make. You're clearly not fulfilled where you are but running home may not fix that

Your mum might love you to bits but she might not like living with you when she’s used to her own space.

Maybe it’s time for a new job or a new location. You sound a bit bored.

or

Have you thought about renting your place out for a year or maybe just getting a lodger, and then doing a bit of travelling. You’d have income from the house and you could do some temp work to supplement your money if you needed to.

I am sorry i don't know if i could. Both your lives are very different now from when you loved together originally- you have both got older and you have gotten into your set ways. yes i live with someone - but i love my own space and when house is all to me. Can you take a break from your job, go on holidays go on a health retreat something to take a break and then review it, do you need to take a step down or move into a role less stressful. Are you part of any groups like walking tours ect ? If you can afford it outsource cleaning the house , ironing etc. i do and its a huge weight off my shoulders. Means weekends are free to relax. Look at weekends away, day trips etc with your mother and as poepl say see about renting your room out

See a,life coach
Go travelling
Go live in an intentional community where you can continue your career

Also just to note when my father in law passed away , it was broached to my mother in law about moving in with her or moving in with us. She refused and did not allow anyone to stay longer than a week with her after the funeral. She said i need to get used to loving on my own, and she has done successfully. She always says i may live alone however i am never lonely- i really admire her for this

I experienced similar and realised there were two things going on. The first was almost like my inner child “I want my mummy” instinct. When I felt like this, I’d go and visit my family to feel some nurture and recuperate. But actually as time has gone on and life has thrown me some curveballs I’ve realised that the busy career, city, fun life is no longer for me, and I want to be nearer my family, have a lower stress job and just “live” a bit more. So that’s my plan! Sod working in a supermarket though - my teen Saturday jobs put me off the great British public for life!

There's somewhere inbetween these two extremes. Quite a lot actually:

1. address your day to day stress - like others have siad get more help help, get a less stressful job, etc. Look at what your are struggling with most and address it
2. take a break, or a long holiday
3. Even, in the more extreme end, take a career break, maybe a year out. Rent out your house and go live with your mum (if that's what she wants too) and reassess your life.

Really, your life is your oyster. You have limited responsibilities and financial security. Sounds like you are just in a rut and thinking in extremes.

Forgot:
4) move closer to her, or even in with her (again is she wants) and get another "career" type job. Something that still uses your skills and earns you good money, but maybe is less stressful (or maybe isn't, but given the fact you are closer to your family mean you don't find as stressful).

Something random I'd add but I've never lived more than 10 miles away from either of my parents. I love the area where we all live and can't imagine ever living elsewhere. And when my darling Dad was diagnosed as terminally ill last year, it was geographically easy to help - in his last 6 months, I saw him every day and was able to take on co-ordinating his care. I'm utterly bereft without him as he was my active parent that loved unconditionally.

I'm however so very glad that I was able to have that time with him. Living near your parents isn't always a negative. If you want to be nearer your Mum, that's perfectly OK. And quite instinctive, I think.

Just want to stop the world and get off really dont you! I think maybe a chunk of time off would help you .I also think life is hard and being single while its made to be a good thing ,does have disadvantages as well.No one to share the load.Maybe see if you can get a chunk of time off,or a sabbatical maybe .Stay with Mum for a couple of weeks?

What is an intentional community? Sounds intriguing.