Just want to go home and live with my mum

[Aserena]

I suppose you could say I’m a successful independent woman.
Left home at 18. BSc, MA, Phd. Got a good career which is stressful sometimes but overall I enjoy it. Bought my own house. Good group of friends. Single but content with that. Own a little dog. Go on a nice holiday every couple of years.

I’m 38, and really very lucky- I know have a good life.

And yet, if I am perfectly honest, there is quite a large part of me, that would like to chuck the job, sell the house and go home to live with my mum. Get a job at a supermarket somewhere.

Living alone is hard. Keeping on top of the housework, working full time, maintaining friendships and social connections. I can do it, but it’s just relentless, and I’m not as good at any of it as I want to be. I’m feeling fed up.

I feel as though I left home at 18, all wide eyed and excited, wondering what the world held in store. And now, like a day out at the theme park, I’ve been around a good few times, done all the things, won some prizes, got the T-shirts, had a good time but now I’m tired and I’m ready to come home again.

I’m probably not going to. But AIBU to feel this way?

Maybe because your Mum might be happy as things are and doesn’t want an adult child living there . Maybe she doesn’t want to look after someone else at her age …….
If it works for you both then great , go do it but don’t just assume you can move back home anytime. You need check if it’s what she wants too .
I adore my DC and would never see them homeless but it’s really not what I’d choose !

But that's not the reality if you live there.

OP, there's nothing wrong with it but I think you spend time addressing the reasons why. I know you've said you are content being single but it sounds like loneliness and the pressure of doing everything. If you don't want a relationship, could you take in a lodger?

Yes, this was my response, too. I mean, my mother did her best, but she and my father were terrible parents. Moving back in with them would absolutely multiply my problems, not give me relief from them, even if I considered it for more than a second.

OP, I would think carefully about why this is so appealing before acting — what is it exactly you’re seeking respite from? Can it be done without entirely throwing up the independent life you’ve worked so hard to make? How would your mother feel about it if you did move back in? Do you need a career break or a change?

My adult dd would love this! However I wouldn't 😀
She visits for a week every 8 weeks and I look after her....but then we have both had enough

could you take in a lodger?

I have a left-field idea, @Aserena. Bear with me: this seems like one of your sliding-doors life moments, when all options are worth a look!

You said you have a spare room, right? And I don't know where you live, but it must be a city. Cities have universities, organisations offering apprenticeships, people getting divorced, exchange students ... many, many people in need of affordable accommodation for a year or so. Quite a few of them are able & willing to take on an 'au pair' role for the sake of a cheap or free room.

I'm not suggesting an actual au pair because you don't really have enough work for one, and you have to pay & parent them. Just a part-exchange for domestic help. Choose wisely, and you might even get yourself a companion for the duration.

Alternatively, of course, a lodger paying the going rate for the room would cover the cost of your cleaner and laundry!

To be honest, it sounds like you are remembering your childhood through rose tinted glasses and thinking about how lovely it was when there was no pressures on your because yoru mum did everything. And you're wanting to go back to that situation.

Whereas your mum probably has her own life and doesn't want to be doing your housework and generally looking after you.

Fine to go and stay with your mum to be have a rest while she does everything. But not really fair to decide to do it long term as a lifestyle choice.

Oh - and I hope your first day back at work goes better than expected.

I'm not sure it would be the solution you think.

My brother went back home to live with my Mum almost 20 years ago and is still there in his 40s.

I think both he and my Mum are unhappy but both feel trapped. They have a dysfunctional co-dependent relationship where both think the other is the person who is benefitting most from the arrangement.

My brother is a grumpy middle aged man and as he's got older, my Mums habits annoy him more.

I usually see both of their points of view and complaint but am stuck in the middle which is not a nice position to be in.

And I do worry about the future when my Mum passes away and think I'll probably be posting on MN about my brother refusing to get out and sell my Mums house which she wants to leave to both of us.

I used to think he'd meet someone and start his own life but every relationship he's had has broken down and although he's got lots of positive qualities, men I their 40s living with a parent aren't all that attractive to women.

So there's some potential pitfalls for you to think about OP.

Can mum come to live with you for sometime? See how that goes for both of you?

i have a husband, 3 kids and a full time job. Still I feel like disappearing one day and go to live with my parents. When we visit them on holidays, I can’t wait to fly back home (uk) within a couple of weeks! I don’t know what’s home anymore. Sorry op, not helping I know :(

@Ohthatsabitshit

everyone?!

you do realise not everyone wants their adult offspring to live with them? And that’s ok!

I get you OP. I would suggest seeing if you can take a sabbatical, rent your house our for some income and spend some time with mum and travel/change scene. Then if you really want to swap jobs and move in with mum, do it but keep your rental income going if possible. Honestly though, I did 4 years in retail. It's not easy or stress free.

I find my current rather hard fought for job incredibly stressful and I resent the time it takes out of my day and how it shapes the pattern of my day to day. I don't wfh either. So extra time & money spent on a not inconsiderable commute. My dad is nearly 90 and I don't have much time for my partner atm. My overriding feeling is that work is robbing me; I actually want time to be with my family. What I would love to do is stop and be a SAHW. What I should I probably do is find an "easier" role on my doorstep and/or we should start outsourcing more stuff... but we need my pay cheque atm, partly to pay my share for eventually all 4 of us - me, partner, parents moving together in a house that would suit "family life" without us being on top of each other. Feel so trapped by and cry about work A LOT atm. Would love someone else to be the adult for a bit!

Honestly I can't think of anything worse. I love my mum but I couldn't bear to live with her again.

I'm amazed at the people on here haven't once considered that mum might have her own life and interests - that she not an empty vessel waiting to be filled by the returning presence of her child.

Loneliness is a bit shit. And depending of how attached you are to the place you grow and the family going back not necessarily is a bad idea.

However do not drop your career unless you hate it. Move somewhere closer, find a job you on your field closer etc may be a start.

Remember that you are missing your life form before and that life is not going back because you are a fully grown up now with a full grown up life so do not think romantically of that life be pragmatic. It may be the case that you go back and you are your mum are all the fighting for silly stuff. All people has a different way of doing stuff even a coffee so going back doesn't guarantee you are going to be happy.

Regardless of the above nothing stop you to start to go closer to her.

I hear you. I sometimes think the same, only my son got their first and lives with his grandma! He’s got it sorted there, meals on the table after work, no housework, ironing and washing done! He’s saved a fortune as he leads a simple life in Wales. Meanwhile I’m near London, stressful job, good salary but can’t afford to buy. Thinking of returning to those parts when youngest is 18 in 2.5yrs time. Fortunately I wouldn’t have to give my job up as we have an office around 25 miles from there I could easily attend twice a week. I couldn’t live with my mum as she’d drive me mad, but nearby would be nice.

I do have a cleaner (a friend who started up a cleaning business so I thought I’d help her out and treat myself) and a dog Walker for my office days. That definitely helps, I feel no shame in ‘outsourcing’ as helps out these guys who are running local services and helps me too. Nothing nicer than coming home to a lovely clean house and tired dog!

👍🏽

I quite envy all these people who want to live with their mum again. My mums ok in small doses but she’s a nightmare to live with.

I think a sabbatical is probably a good option so you’re not burning any bridges. You may even find after a month or so you want to get back to your own place.

Negotiate a sabbatical, then take your mum on holiday, even a weekend break. Then travel solo a bit. Sometimes being away helps you reset and come up with good life change ideas.

Could you rent out your house and go and live with your mum whilst doing a less stressful job or working part time? Sharing bills with mum will cut both your costs. Then when, inevitably, your mother’s house needs to be sold you will at least own your own property still.

If I lived alone and my Mum lived alone, I would 100% move back in with her, it's a no brainer. If you both get on well and would benefit from each other's support and company then why wouldn't you...
If I were to ever split with my husband that's definitely what I would be doing. My Mum would welcome me and DC anytime.

I would pay for any services that make life easier- cleaner etc.i single , not high earner but make sure I can afford a cleaner every week. There is nothing wrong with it. Can u take an extended holiday from work, perhaps 3 weeks.this will give u chance to really relax and have a good think? Hand hold OP

Do it! Loads of cultures have multi generational households as the norm. Its only our strange, capitalist culture that encourages this atomisation.

My family is in that situation. DB didnt actually move in with DM but he is within a 5 minute walk. He is at DM's house twice a day. He is now in his 60s, retired at the first opportunity. DM is in her 80s.

They annoy each other constantly. DB obsesses about every penny DM spends. In DB's head DM is frittering spending DF's money (DF has been gone for about 30 years). DB isnt after owning the money - he wants to control it.

DB has turned into a grumpy old man. They are enmeshed, DM sees the problem but likes the company.

Going to live with DM would never appeal to me. She and I have never been close.

I have a friend who quit her hard core, professional job to work in a bookshop. She’s so happy. Don’t Jack everything in all at once though. Stay a week at kum’s, maybe move closer after that. Then see how the job feels

I think you're idealizing the life you'd have with your DM because you're a bit lonely and having to do everything yourself, you'd like to be a child again just for a bit. Your DM probably has a life of her own now her DC are grown and it wouldn't be the carefree life you imagine. Why don't you ask if you can go visit for a few days and get a second wind? You could use the time to think seriously how you can make your life less work and more fun

I wonder if it's time the old housekeeper/rented room situation made a come back. Fair enough they weren't ideal back then but nowadays they could be run to be much nicer.
Say you rent a room with an ensuite. Then there is a housekeeper/parent. You would get breakfast and dinner with a packed lunch being an optional extra all washing done communal rooms would be looked after by the housekeeper. All bills inclusive all repairs taken care of and there would be people around you whenever you wanted.