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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just want to go home and live with my mum

261 replies

Aserena · 22/08/2023 23:05

I suppose you could say I’m a successful independent woman.
Left home at 18. BSc, MA, Phd. Got a good career which is stressful sometimes but overall I enjoy it. Bought my own house. Good group of friends. Single but content with that. Own a little dog. Go on a nice holiday every couple of years.

I’m 38, and really very lucky- I know have a good life.

And yet, if I am perfectly honest, there is quite a large part of me, that would like to chuck the job, sell the house and go home to live with my mum. Get a job at a supermarket somewhere.

Living alone is hard. Keeping on top of the housework, working full time, maintaining friendships and social connections. I can do it, but it’s just relentless, and I’m not as good at any of it as I want to be. I’m feeling fed up.

I feel as though I left home at 18, all wide eyed and excited, wondering what the world held in store. And now, like a day out at the theme park, I’ve been around a good few times, done all the things, won some prizes, got the T-shirts, had a good time but now I’m tired and I’m ready to come home again.

I’m probably not going to. But AIBU to feel this way?

OP posts:
Chantholtmouse · 23/08/2023 02:09

Could you spend 1 week a month at your mum's? Or 2 days a week?

Grumpy101 · 23/08/2023 02:17

I get it and feel similar. The older I get (I'm only 35) the more I appreciate my mum and dad more and want to move back closer to them. I've done the travel, big city living etc, and actually miss them more and more. I don't want to spend my holiday with them, I want to be able to pop in for a cup of tea regularly.

2021x · 23/08/2023 02:23

In the same position, I feel like I ticked all the boxes, lived some of the struggle, and was scared to go back home until I "achieved" something worth having as compensation for not having relationship/children.

However, my gran is turning 100 this year and so am taking 6 weeks (bookended with NYC and Singapore) and staying with her. I am so excited, and I feel a lot calmer knowing this is on the cards and looking forwarded to being with someone who I love.

Mmhmmn · 23/08/2023 02:36

Is part of the problem where you live - could you move closer to her so that you can see each other easily but not actually move in with her? What if you met someone? Would you still want to be living with her? My cousin lives with her mum (arrangement started from a complex financial thing but carried on).

user1492757084 · 23/08/2023 02:39

Do spend more weekends with your mother and outsource some cleaning so to have more time for hobbies or outings.
Invite your Mum to stay for the odd weekend too. Share her with your friends.
You sound a little sad, a little dejected and a little lonely and a lot sentimental and relishing your lovely mother.

I would shop every day, in person, at local establishments and keep up with your friendship groups.
Allow yourself more time for socialising rather than work.
Nurture your close friends as well as your mother and enjoy meeting new friends and their families..

DeeCeeCherry · 23/08/2023 02:53

Why not? You don't have to prove a point to anybody. We only get 1 life. Do what will make you feel content, in the final analysis that's really all that matters.

OilOfRoses · 23/08/2023 02:58

There's nothing wrong with multi-generation households, if you're both happy with that. Do consider though, that if you want to maintain your social connections, that work will remain. I live with people and sometimes think about how much easier it would be to live alone when it comes to housework. There's so much less when it's just you. You could also pay someone to clean for you.

You have options, including changing career direction and so on, but consider what will really change, what will stay, and all the different approaches you have open to you.

In the end, if you decide it wasn't the right thing or you just needed a break, you can make another change again. It's good to have choices and flexibility in your life, which you have.

Coyoacan · 23/08/2023 03:48

It seems silly to live apart from your mum just because you are British and that is what the British do.

I must admit that I've never found supermarket jobs easy and stressfree.

Planesmistakenforstars · 23/08/2023 04:37

Do what makes you happy OP. The phd, house and career don't mean anything in the end.

PollyThePixie · 23/08/2023 04:39

OP, can you take a year out and re-evaluate your life.

And live with your mum? If you get on with your mum the way I got on with mine I’d be getting packed right now. Go for it.

Mojodojocasahaus · 23/08/2023 05:24

It sounds like a nice idea op but in reality you would probably drive each other nuts. You aren’t the same person you were when you lived at home.

I get it though, life was simpler and more exciting back then.

CoconutSty · 23/08/2023 05:44

There's no reason why you shouldn't move in with her if that's what you both want, but consider what's really motivating you first. It wouldn't be like when you were a child, having no responsibilities and Mum taking care of everything. That wouldn't be fair to her. You can't go back to being dependent on her in that way. As your mum gets more elderly the tables will turn and she'll need you far more than you need her. But if it's companionship you're missing, why not move a bit closer and see her more often, while still maintaining your independence.

peachypudding · 23/08/2023 06:00

Take a year out OP. Use it to live with your Mum, go travelling, rest - whatever. Sounds like you need it and life is short.

That year will give you precious time and insight into what you want to do with the rest of your life. Good luck!

ohdamnitjanet · 23/08/2023 06:11

Trust me, supermarket jobs are not easy or stress free. Does your mum want you to come home? That’s the question.

SunWorshipping · 23/08/2023 06:13

Sounds like you are just lacking a life partner to share the load with to be honest. I manage to juggle working ft in a stressful job, 3 young kids and a husband, social connections and housework come bottom of the pile. My life is busy and relentless, but I have someone to share the responsibility with and who is there to support me.

Maybe you just need someone to share your life with, wanting to move back home at 38 suggests you are missing something in life, I live very close to my parents and see them pretty much everyday as they help with childcare, would I ever want to live with them again? Absolutely not!!! You say you are happy single, but at 38 you must be pretty lonely to not have someone to share your life with?

Breakingpoint1961 · 23/08/2023 06:18

OP I was very very close to my Mum. I lost her 11 years ago, and I never thought I'd come to terms with it. I left home at 20, but visited v v regularly, and was quite emotionally reliant on her. I could've spent every minute of my day with her, never tired of her company.

I still miss her conversation/wit/humour and unconditional love every single day.

I would say though, just move closer. My mum lived 80 miles from me, traffic depending could range from 1.5 hours to 2.5 hours, so no popping in for a cuppa!

Life isn't easy, it's a grind, and I think going back 'home' can be that safe place where you are a kid again, and the adult in you can relax and feel that virtual blanket of support around you, that's what is was for me, but I appreciate that's not the same for everyone.

Maybe make some compromises, move closer, look for a less stressful job, get a cleaner, prioritise your life. Write things down, seeing in print makes a lot of difference..good luck OPFlowers

ZickZack · 23/08/2023 06:33

I went home for a month this summer with my DH and two young kids (we live abroad). Stayed with my mum. We usually can clash but this time, we didn't. A whole month and no clashing. It was just nice. Nice company, chatting, watching telly together in the evening once the kids were sleeping. I've been home for a week now and missing it.
So I see where you're coming from.

DreamTheMoors · 23/08/2023 06:38

Butchyrestingface · 22/08/2023 23:10

It's the supermarket job I'm a bit Confused at, not living with your mum. Unless you really like the KER-CHING of a cash register, I imagine you could come to regret that decision, and sharpish.

Why? Is that beneath you, @Butchyrestingface?
There’s dignity in every profession - just not in every person.

Motorbike311 · 23/08/2023 06:41

I get this, I'm a 40 year old man and my mother lives just 5 mins away. Whenever I drive past her house in the morning I look down her road to see if she's home or at the office. I see her probably four times a week. But I want to move back home (take my wife and children with me!). The happiest I ever am is when I'm at my mums house cooking or doing some gardening for her. last night my brother, sister and the children all when over and I made dinner, it's the happiest I've felt in years. My mother had a fall at the weekend and broke her wrist, it made me look at her aging and I will always want to be there for her. In all honestly I would like it if all of my family lived on the same street rather than across the UK.

Mikimoto · 23/08/2023 06:48

I totally understand you thinking about your mum's age: the same thing hits me in waves for no particular reason from time to time.

How about planning special weekends away with her every few months? Give you both something to look forward to and to make plans for.

whatchagonnado · 23/08/2023 06:49

Can I ask if you are looking for a partner? It sounds like you're missing the emotional support. Your mum can provide that, but so could a significant other

ThisMidnightHour · 23/08/2023 07:04

There is a phrase 'Wherever you go, There you are'. The reality is, even if you did follow this plan through you would not be escaping your current problems. They will go with you.

I say this with kindness, as I have dreams about throwing in the towel at times too. Get a job in a coffee shop or garden centre. The reality is those jobs also have their stresses and difficulties - shift work, difficult customers, difficult managers, heavy workload and so on.

Big decisions should not be made when you are feeling overwhelmed. Your overwrought mind is just searching for solutions to your current feelings.

Feelings pass. Wait until you are feeling on a more even keel, you may feel differently.

pinkdelight · 23/08/2023 07:08

You're single and financially stable so there's nothing stopping you doing this if it's what you truly want. Currently it sounds like a fantasy so the next step would be to think about it more realistically, how it would work day to day, what job you would do (beyond vague supermarket placeholder - have you done that work? Is it available locally? What alternatives are there that suit you better long term? How stress free are they really?), who your friends would be there and what you'd do to pass the time once you got over the buzz of the change.

You must be pretty driven to have got to where you are so I'd suspect that won't all vanish and you'd need some sense of progression not stagnation or even regression. That needn't be professional, it could be a hobby or volunteering or a new qualification but I'd need something on the horizon so I didn't wake up a year after doing this feeling I'd given up and was going nowhere. Perhaps you wouldn't feel that and can be happy in the moment, but your achievements so far suggest otherwise.

I also think it's significant that it's at an age where you might be settling down and having kids in another life, so it's not surprising you want to make a change into a different phrase. This may or may not be the right one, but it's certainly worth investigating.

Moving closer to your mum, or renting your house out and moving in with her for a trial period, plus some (probably less drastic) career change or sabbatical could be the way. Start exploring the possibilities and see if you have any firmer plans by new year, so you don't feel like it's so relentless and neverending. Even if you choose to stay put, it will feel more like an active choice and less oppressive.

Butchyrestingface · 23/08/2023 07:15

DreamTheMoors · 23/08/2023 06:38

Why? Is that beneath you, @Butchyrestingface?
There’s dignity in every profession - just not in every person.

Show quote history

No, it's not "beneath me" - no honest job should be "beneath" anyone. But I should have known there'd be one poster who'd go for that kind of reading. 🙄

I was responding to an OP who seems fed up with the stress and grind of her current living situation and wants to change that. I'm not sure a (probably) low-paid supermarket job dealing with members of the public doing their shopping is a way to achieve that - at least if the reports I hear of what working in front-facing supermarket roles, especially post-covid, are anything to go by. She could simply end up swapping one stressful life situation for another.

MammaTo · 23/08/2023 07:18

No I feel like this all the time. I love going round to my mums and not having to think or be the grown up for a few hours. She loves fussing over me and the baby and I’m so lucky to have her to give my brain a break sometimes.