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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just want to go home and live with my mum

261 replies

Aserena · 22/08/2023 23:05

I suppose you could say I’m a successful independent woman.
Left home at 18. BSc, MA, Phd. Got a good career which is stressful sometimes but overall I enjoy it. Bought my own house. Good group of friends. Single but content with that. Own a little dog. Go on a nice holiday every couple of years.

I’m 38, and really very lucky- I know have a good life.

And yet, if I am perfectly honest, there is quite a large part of me, that would like to chuck the job, sell the house and go home to live with my mum. Get a job at a supermarket somewhere.

Living alone is hard. Keeping on top of the housework, working full time, maintaining friendships and social connections. I can do it, but it’s just relentless, and I’m not as good at any of it as I want to be. I’m feeling fed up.

I feel as though I left home at 18, all wide eyed and excited, wondering what the world held in store. And now, like a day out at the theme park, I’ve been around a good few times, done all the things, won some prizes, got the T-shirts, had a good time but now I’m tired and I’m ready to come home again.

I’m probably not going to. But AIBU to feel this way?

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 22/08/2023 23:45

First thing is to spend a week with her - have a lovely break and some quality time with her.

If you move closer what implication would it have on your current job? Crazy long commute, etc?

As a PP said you could rent out your house for a bit and move back in to see how it feels?

66rabbits · 22/08/2023 23:46

Shout out to any fellow lurkers whose mums were neither kind nor caring, who are struggling to relate to this thread.

It's hard to imagine what it would feel like to have a source of unconditional love and support to fall back on. Make the most of it OP, you're lucky.

Mossstitch · 22/08/2023 23:47

One of my DCs similar age has just done this. 10 years same NHS job, bit burnt out and decided to have a 'gap year' .....sold his house, given up his job and back in his old bedroom, taken up a hobby he used to have, might do some travelling, seems a lot happier than he was. They are welcome as long as they want, (youngest has never left), I do get comments from people who find it strange that I have two adult kids living with me but it's not like they aren't capable of being independent, it's more like an adult house share...........them being happy and healthy is all that matters to me!

GalGadont · 22/08/2023 23:50

Another advantage of moving close to her rather than moving in with her might be that it more easily keeps open the option of dating or finding a relationship, if that still might be something you want (or something that might just happen)?

Cherrysherbet · 22/08/2023 23:56

*It's the supermarket job I'm a bit at, not living with your mum. Unless you really like the KER-CHING of a cash register, I imagine you could come to regret that decision, and sharpish.

Yeah, you are right. Sometimes I just quite fancy something easy, no pressure, stress-free, etc*

Very patronising.
I work full time in a supermarket. It’s definitely not easy and stress free. Also there’s a lot more to it than the ‘kerching’ of the cash register! It’s bloody hard work doing long hours on the shop floor, working deliveries and meeting targets.

Nice to be appreciated though 🙄

Deathbyfluffy · 23/08/2023 00:00

Butchyrestingface · 22/08/2023 23:10

It's the supermarket job I'm a bit Confused at, not living with your mum. Unless you really like the KER-CHING of a cash register, I imagine you could come to regret that decision, and sharpish.

It’s okay, most transactions are card these days! 😅

Gladitscloudytoday · 23/08/2023 00:00

66rabbits · 22/08/2023 23:46

Shout out to any fellow lurkers whose mums were neither kind nor caring, who are struggling to relate to this thread.

It's hard to imagine what it would feel like to have a source of unconditional love and support to fall back on. Make the most of it OP, you're lucky.

This is what I was thinking too

Original poster
Aserena · 23/08/2023 00:02

Sorry to hear about you mum @66rabbits 💐

And sorry for offending you @Cherrysherbet I’m sure the reality is much harder than my wishful thinking.

OP posts:
PassMeTheCookies · 23/08/2023 00:12

If ever it didn't work out between DP and me, or god forbid anything terrible happened to him, I'd absolutely live with my mum!

EmmaPaella · 23/08/2023 00:13

I couldn’t live with my mum but I do go back for regular ‘holidays’. Could you do that?

GarlicGrace · 23/08/2023 00:13

Thanks for that, @66rabbits and @Gladitscloudytoday. My mother & I love one another, but I had to stay with her for two years because I was otherwise homeless. We both hated it! For her, it was a disruption of the lovely life she's built for herself, and I felt trapped in 'her life'.

I'm also a bit 🤔about some of these heart-warming tales of returning adult DC. As heartwarming as they really are, it sounds in a few cases that the adult DC relies on Mummy's money. Sometimes that may be a harsh necessity - but, for the sake of an easier life?

Mossstitch · 23/08/2023 00:25

@GarlicGrace my two sons that live with me have more money than me and both have enough cash to buy their own place outright so can assure you that is not the reason they live with 'mummy'.......they also haven't called me mummy since they were in infant school! However if they needed it they could have my last penny because that's what a good mother should do, put their children first!

@66rabbits I'm very sorry, I too did not have any love/care shown me by my mother or father so I do understand how you are feeling with this thread💔💐

EmmaEmerald · 23/08/2023 00:29

I actually know someone who switched from a corporate ladder climbing role to a shop job. He very quickly went back, customer service and retail is way harder.

He said to me "I just want to sit on the floor and play". Tbh in that respect, I think we all feel that way, work and modern life is just too much. I do think living alone is easier though, but I've lived alone 20+ years and love it.

Premfove · 23/08/2023 00:47

Cherrysherbet · 22/08/2023 23:56

*It's the supermarket job I'm a bit at, not living with your mum. Unless you really like the KER-CHING of a cash register, I imagine you could come to regret that decision, and sharpish.

Yeah, you are right. Sometimes I just quite fancy something easy, no pressure, stress-free, etc*

Very patronising.
I work full time in a supermarket. It’s definitely not easy and stress free. Also there’s a lot more to it than the ‘kerching’ of the cash register! It’s bloody hard work doing long hours on the shop floor, working deliveries and meeting targets.

Nice to be appreciated though 🙄

Come on Cherry... you're being daft. I worked at a supermarket for years and years. It's a doddle for the most part compared to a high pressure/big responsibility job. Customers can be a pain in the arse and you're kept busy, but as soon as your shift is over I bet you never need to think/worry about work and get to completely switch off.

I enjoyed it for the most part and it's a vital service, but let's not kid ourselves that it's high stakes!

SheerLucks · 23/08/2023 00:54

Lazy girl jobs are currently a thing on TikTok - I think you're probably one of many OP:

share.icloud.com/photos/0a6gxDhZPn2BBgWyQbtYUbbRA

BeautBastard · 23/08/2023 01:00

@Aserena this resonates so much! I've felt like this for a lot of my life. Bottom line is this adulting bollocks is hard and you will repeatedly wish to return to simpler times. It sounds like you are doing comparatively well, so well done, but also if it's what you really want, move home! I'm sure your mum would be delighted. I guess the only downside is the lack of any career progression, plus the chance of ending up as your Mum's carer. I had this choice and knew my mum would want me to shoot my shot, by honestly I still feel conflicted by it all. If I could chose without the pressures of life/ making a career I would chose being with mum any time.

Whapples · 23/08/2023 01:03

Totally hear you. I work in education. I’m disabled. I’m engaged. Have a few pets. Just sometimes feels like all I’m doing is keeping my head above water and wish I could work in a shop and live with my parents and not have the stress of being a fully functioning adult every day. We made the decision to move closer to our parents (previously almost 100miles away, now 25miles). And I do feel a lot better. I get the feeling still sometimes but then I’ll pop over to mums for dinner. Dad will help me with something practical and mum will feed me home cooked dinner and send me home with enough for the next day. It really helps, even if it only happens once a month (roughly when my car breaks down 😂). Would recommend moving closer and seeing if it helps for sure (I know me and my parents would fall out if I ever stayed more than a few days 😂).

Catsmere · 23/08/2023 01:15

The trouble with easy, no pressure jobs in my experience is that they're also poorly paid, insecure, nowhere to go, first to be sacked jobs. Yes, I enjoyed mine more than the one decently paid but extremely stressful job that might have had a career path, but I'd look for something between whatever your current career is and working in a supermarket (which is not necessarily low stress at all - awful hours, physically wearing and sometimes awful customers).

On the housework side, how much do you have to do? I've done the housework for two humans and two cats and yeah, it's a PITA, but can't you reduce it? How much cleaning is there for one woman and a dog? Could you get a cleaner in to reduce your load?

The idea of giving up my own home and security (which I've never had, my mother and I have always had to live together) makes me twitchy, so I'm coming at your situation from the other side, OP.

velvetandsatin · 23/08/2023 01:32

Pardon me if I've missed it, but it seems you haven't mentioned discussing this idea with your mother and what she thinks of it.

Meanwhile, in your head, you've already jumped to how her house that you've moved back in to would have to be sold after her death, and how that would affect you...

Blondewithredlips · 23/08/2023 01:34

MotherofGorgons · 22/08/2023 23:09

My mum is 78 but she still asks if I have eaten my lunch! Nobody else does that. When she goes, that will be my unconditional love person gone

Such a lovely post. Your mum sounds amazing. My mum was like that and I miss her every day.

Andthereyougo · 23/08/2023 01:37

So you don’t completely burn your boat career wise could you take a sabbatical? VSO used to do 6 month volunteer stints or arrange your own.
A woman who lived near me was widowed and about 6 months later had arranged to spend 6 months in Mongolia living in a yurt.

changeme4this · 23/08/2023 01:42

I don't think any job is easier or because its lesser paid. Everyone has their workplace stresses and worries, however I understand your feelings (as a Mum to adult DC who virtually took the same path as yourself) and if you want to go home, and Mum is equally thrilled for that to happen, then do it!

The only thing I would say to you as my DC is don't sell your property. Rent it out for a year and see how you feel. the property market is always on the move and can be notorious to get back into. Apart from which after the year or whatever you might feel like having another go at a different job for your qualifications/education and experience.

FeelingHelpless99 · 23/08/2023 02:02

I think there might be a happy medium between a job that requires a PhD and working in a supermarket!

If you rented out your house it would give you plenty income.

Why not take some time out and go travelling with your mum?

I felt a very lost at 38 - not as successful as you, and unhappily single - and I think you really do have to seize life by the horns and do whatever makes you happy. In the knowledge that there’s no guarantees.

At 39 I cycled 1500km across Europe, (& started spending every Saturday night at my mum’s house), then happily settled down with a partner and had a baby at 42.

There’s no right way to live - many other cultures have multi-generational households - so do what makes you happy (which could perhaps involve getting a cleaner?)

carolineofcanton · 23/08/2023 02:03

You're not being unreasonable. We yearn to live with company after tasting freedom, it's how human beings are. Sometimes that company will present itself in the form of a partner or friends (ones you would actually be at ease living with). Family is another obvious resource. We always feel at ease with the people who raised us, if your mother would like company too, then why not move in with her?

carolineofcanton · 23/08/2023 02:07

Carrying out house chores will be more efficient too. You can split them between the two of you. If you rent out your current home you can even afford a housekeeper.