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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To let my dad go home at the cost of my mum's well being?

344 replies

JustAllRoundShit · 22/08/2023 18:08

A couple of months ago my dad (mid 80s) had a stroke. He requires full time care as he is very weak, can't get up or walk or do anything else himself. He's fully there cognitively but very apathetic in the day. Just wants to sleep all the time. When he is not sleeping he is very agitated, aggressive and very quick to anger with lots of shouting.

He is currently in a rehab home kind of thing. He seems to be slightly improving there but he absolutely hates it and wants to go home. I totally understand why. He's always been very independent and also very dominating. It must be terrible for him to be so out of control and helpless, completely at the mercy of the carers. I would hate it as well.

I think we could organise staff to look after him at home. It would take a lot of planning, lots of staff, money, etc but it's doable (we are not in the UK). The problem is it will be a massive burden on my mum. Massive responsibility, massive mental strain because he keeps yelling for her (and not very nicely) and I'm worried that she'll spend the last few years of her life (she's early 80s) being stuck by his bed, caring for him and basically just getting yelled at all the time.

I don't want that for her. She's done her bit for him her entire life (he hasn't been the best husband. Good father but very dominating, borderline abusive husband). For my mum it would be much better if he was in a home. Then she would be free. But he'd absolutely hate it. He keeps crying, begging me to let him go home. I just don't know what to do.

What would you do?

Yanbu: bring him home, while trying to set up the house so that he will trouble my mum as little as possible

Yabu: let him stay in a home and give your mum peace. She's done her bit and we can't expect her to take on this burden.

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 22/08/2023 18:30

From experience don’t bring him home. You know (more or less) that it will suit him if he has the right care and equipment. You also know it will be horrible for your DM.

You live abroad so won’t be able to coordinate the staff. My friend had her DM at home with carers etc.She found it absolutely exhausting and didn’t even live there herself. She counted and found she had 17 separate people she had to liaise with if you counted all the carers, doctors, physio, chiropodist, cleaner blah blah. A total nightmare.

Find a good nursing home and he will settle. He may even like it- all those new people to boss around.

ValerieDoonican · 22/08/2023 18:31

...and given the situation flowing from the other two, does it really trump your mother's right to freedom from bullying. I would especially worry about how he would be at night. If her sleep is repeatedly disturbed she will lose health and strength very fast.

Also, and I realise this may be wide of the mark, but:

Was he really a great parent, forcing you to witness his abuse of uour mother

And

Did he "get you on side " against your mother at times? Has he "coached" you to be on team Dad? Was that a safer place for young you to be?

PaminaMozart · 22/08/2023 18:31

Do not, under any circumstances, facilitate his moving back home.

He had his entire life to try to be a decent human being and treat his wife with consideration. He chose not to do that.

Actions - consequences. Chickens coming home to roost. Et cetera.

This is not your responsibility. Do not feel guilty. He brought this on himself.

Savemesos · 22/08/2023 18:35

Having witnessed something similar with my grandad, I would go with a residential home. While he’s in hospital it’s actually easier to sort out.

I think there comes a point when sometimes you have to go against the wishes of the elderly person involved for the greater benefit of everyone else - my mum/aunts ran themselves ragged caring for their dad when he should’ve gone into residential care in the first place. Even though he had carers going in, there was still shopping/cleaning/laundry etc to do.

Sirzy · 22/08/2023 18:35

Unless you can be there to help with the day to day reality then you would be very unreasonable to turn your elderly mother into a full time carer. I also think it’s very selfish of your father to allow it to even be an option

NotMyDayJob · 22/08/2023 18:36

Respectfully OP, while I appreciate you are trying to do best by both your parents and that must be really tough you don't live there and there is a time limit on how long you will be there.

Your DM is the one who has to live with this, and it sounds like she's asking you to make the decision for her so she doesn't have to be the one to say DF can't come home, which is probably v unfair on you but you are where you are.

Don't put your DM through something you're not going to have to live with yourself.

FloopyZebra · 22/08/2023 18:36

Please don't put your mother in that position. As difficult as it is he really does need to be in a home now.

Mischance · 22/08/2023 18:36

Bringing him home for a trial run is not really an option - if your Mum decided she wanted him gone and he refused to go there would be no way of shifting him.

Having cared for my late OH for a long time at home with carers coming in, I have to say that this is often not a great option either. You get little choice over who comes and there are lots of changes of staff over which you have no control, which is hugely disruptive. Each one has to be shown what to do, where stuff is etc. It is likely that your Dad will treat them dismissively from your description of him and, if he is anything like my OH, he will have those who are not favoured by him.

How fit is your Mum?

It is a huge conundrum - especially as you are unable to get a definitive answer about your mother's wishes.

No solution is going to be ideal - it is a case of damage limitation.

Savemesos · 22/08/2023 18:37

Don’t do the trial run either!!

NevergonnagiveHughup · 22/08/2023 18:37

It’s not fair for you to bring him home and leave him there for your mum to deal with when you head away.

it sounds like the best option FOR EVERYONE is for him to remain in care. When did his wishes trump the capability of your mum to cope?

Lonicerax · 22/08/2023 18:37

Even with carers won’t he demand she sits with him, watches tv with him, reads to him - he sounds like he won’t care if her life is purely pandering to him -so he has to go in a care home.

May09Bump · 22/08/2023 18:38

It's not sustainable at home - without any of the backstory, your Mum is 80 and he has a high level of need, even with carers. Find the best home you can, the best for everyone's wellbeing.

MistyGreenAndBlue · 22/08/2023 18:40

Frankly, it sounds as if he's made his bed...

RandomMess · 22/08/2023 18:41

The agitated and aggressive and angry is highly likely part of the stroke and may never change. I would not put that on your Mum

joelmillersbackpack · 22/08/2023 18:42

Don’t do it to your mother OP. You can organise care packages but unless you are literally paying for a substantial team your mum will end up being a 24:7 carer. And you’ll have the headache of employing people directly (and all the headaches that brings), dealing with agencies to fill gaps, trying to recruit, failing to recruit, dealing with people who will walk away if he shouts at them. If you are aren’t close by this will be a pain for you to deal with. The normal four short visits per day won’t touch the sides for someone post stroke. And he may live for years and years more.

Give her her life back, it’s no less than she deserves after a marriage like you describe.

Tiswa · 22/08/2023 18:45

You are I think putting emotion into what is in effect a practical and logical decision.

he may want to go home - but at least for now he cannot. It’s hard and it is difficult but he is not well enough to go home and needs a level of care that can only now be done in a care facility

Your mum cannot and should not take that on and your guilt at leaving him will sacrifice her - but you shouldn’t feel guilt for making the right decision for both of them

and it is both of them - he may want to go home and go back to how it was before but he can’t and his needs will be better met outside of his house now in a care facility

OhComeOnFFS · 22/08/2023 18:46

Don't do a trial run otherwise you'll be in the exact same position just a few weeks or months down the line.

Your mum needs you to stand up for her now. It's all very well your dad shouting about what he wants but he's not the only person involved. It sounds as though he's had his way all his life - well, it's time for your mum now.

I think you should speak to hospital staff and say your mum won't be able to cope. They know what he's like - they wouldn't want him in their home either.

I really feel for both of them, but for your mum most of all, tbh.

Eustaciavile · 22/08/2023 18:47

If he has capacity which you say he has, he gets to decide where he lives, however of course your mum doesn’t have to care for him.

MichelleScarn · 22/08/2023 18:48

ValerieDoonican · 22/08/2023 18:31

...and given the situation flowing from the other two, does it really trump your mother's right to freedom from bullying. I would especially worry about how he would be at night. If her sleep is repeatedly disturbed she will lose health and strength very fast.

Also, and I realise this may be wide of the mark, but:

Was he really a great parent, forcing you to witness his abuse of uour mother

And

Did he "get you on side " against your mother at times? Has he "coached" you to be on team Dad? Was that a safer place for young you to be?

Absolutely this! Your poor mother listen to him raving and shouting, maybe hold his hand. I told her we can only bring him home if she can grow thick skin, ignore his yelling and continue going about her day, just looking in on him
So he has capacity and is cognitively aware and has always been aggressive and abusive?

TonTonMacoute · 22/08/2023 18:49

toomuchfaster · 22/08/2023 18:11

Surely it's not your decision, it's up to your mum. And I'd be strongly supporting her to say she can't manage him at home.

This

MichelleScarn · 22/08/2023 18:50

Can't actually believe you're putting blame on her needs to grow a thick skin indeed!
How dare she be upset by his abuse...

Icedlatteplease · 22/08/2023 18:50

People are talking about care in this country.

Care in this country is massively undervalued morally and under provided for financially. Carers as a whole are not respected, so the care given is often poor. The idea you actually might want to care for a family member often seems to be a mystery. Partly because it absolves people of guilt when they chose not to care for family members.

We underfund care so decent care at home is hard to achieve, it has to be done in a care home because we as a society aren't prepared to fund decent care at home.

If you are in a society where you can pay for regular decent care at home its an absolute no brainer. Chances are your mum will spend most her life at a care home or worrying about him. He absolutely will do better in his own home.

dreamersdown · 22/08/2023 18:51

If you’re so keen on having this abusive, shouty man at home, move him into your home and let your poor mother have some peace.

babbi · 22/08/2023 18:52

Tiswa · 22/08/2023 18:45

You are I think putting emotion into what is in effect a practical and logical decision.

he may want to go home - but at least for now he cannot. It’s hard and it is difficult but he is not well enough to go home and needs a level of care that can only now be done in a care facility

Your mum cannot and should not take that on and your guilt at leaving him will sacrifice her - but you shouldn’t feel guilt for making the right decision for both of them

and it is both of them - he may want to go home and go back to how it was before but he can’t and his needs will be better met outside of his house now in a care facility

This exactly !
OP
( I’ve been there)
what your father wants is not really relevant , he doesn’t want to be old and frail but he is .
Thus cannot be changed and needs to dealt with practically.
He needs to go into a home - it’s really the only option here .
carers coming and going are a nightmare ( and that’s assuming they always turn up ) .
Best care for him , best for your mum and ultimately you as every blip in the at home scenario will fall to you to fix from a distance .
Dont make this worse by attempting an at home care situation, it will fail ( very quickly ).

sorry for your troubles , it’s very hard and stressful

Tiswa · 22/08/2023 18:53

PP have a point OP the thick skin comment sounds as if you have been conditioned to believe that your mother’s response to things is disproportionate and if she only changed her behaviour it would be ok

but why should she - you would be damming her to deal with him

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