Page 9 | Just don’t know how I am going to get to Sunday without exploding

Holidaynervousbreakdown · 2023-08-21T19:21:09+00:00

On holiday in lovely resort with DH DCs and PILs who we invited as they’ve had a tough year. I kind of regretted asking them after we did as MIL is so stressful and I know I have no one to blame but myself. Basically been looking forward to this all year, DH and I both needed a holiday so much. I KNEW it was going to be stressful though DH kept saying it won’t be that bad. It is, and worse. Cannot go and sit by the pool with my book as MIL simply doesn’t stop talking. DH said to her today I think R wants to read mum but she just started up again five minutes later. If I sit in another part of pool ‘for the shade’ she moves next to me. I ended up just going in today and reading inside. Our apartment is on the ground floor, PILs have apartment on higher floor. Our apartment just gets used for toilet and kitchen purposes with MIL just coming in. We have a one bedroom apartment with DCs in bedroom and sofa bed in kitchen/living area. I went for a sleep today and MIL just came in and went to the loo and was bustling about. Tried to get a break today and bumped into her on way to shops. She ended up coming even though I just wanted to walk to the supermarket and have an hour to decompress. Spent the hour going round supermarket instead with commentary on everything I put in trolley and whether it was needed or not. Every day is just running commentary of questions and thoughts on plans for the day, when exactly is everybody doing stuff, no spontaneity at all like there would be if it was just us. They have all gone out for an evening walk and I’m alone in the apartment trying not to cry. The resort is so lovely and without them we would be having such a relaxing time, I know I have no one to blame but myself. DH and I talked alone about coming back here next year and I said sorry not doing this again with your parents and he just acted really hurt. We can only afford one holiday like this a year and I just can’t do this again.

Hottoffeesauce · 22/08/2023 11:32

Just be direct! No point whinging on here and not sorting things out! 'I'm going for a sleep/sunbathe/walk/shop etc alone and do not want any company or to be disturbed'. And if your MIL goes against this, then stand up for yourself!

phoenixrosehere · 22/08/2023 11:34

BeyondMyWits · 22/08/2023 09:45

perhaps they want to speak to someone who invited them on holiday rather than wait 1, 2, 3 + hours to be "invited" to talk. Perhaps they feel - rightly or wrongly - that the op is avoiding them by picking up a book... again.

People holiday differently. She wants company, op doesn't. Compromise needs to be made where both sides get a bit of what they want.

Today will be interesting... going out will be great for Op, probably not so much fun for MIL, stuck with FIL as normal... Will op want to talk after, or need to retire with a book...

Need to make sure DH knows how you feel for future holidays.

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There are other people she can talk to though. It would be different if it was OP and just MIL but it’s not.

She could talk to her own son of being stuck with her husband is such a pain.

She could find other things to do. Again, she is a grown woman and should be able to occupy herself for an hour.

Summerrainagain1 · 22/08/2023 11:59

This sounds awful.

I think others are right, the solution is a combination of asking your DH to step up more by taking them off to do something else or actively intervening AND being more assertive when MIL tries to talk to you.

passiveaggressivenonsense · 22/08/2023 12:15

My MIL is the same plus super controlling and stressful. Endless monologues about people I don't know know, zero interest in anything I say. (I can say really crazy shit and still no interest, I sometimes play around just to see how far she is oblivious) ) She physically invades my personal space and is very intense.

My strategies...
interupt conversation mid flow excuse I have to pee. ( weak bladder )
I insist on doing all cooking alone. I have work calls I have to make.
Important admin I have to catch up on.
Dash out to get petrol or something seriously boring, then don't come back for ages.
Bad migraine ( leave me alone !)
It sounds unkind but it's literally a question of maintaining sanity !
Don't be afraid to push the boundaries if what's polite because they are psychologically holding you hostage .

billy1966 · 22/08/2023 12:17

CoraPirbright · 22/08/2023 10:30

I’d like to know what your DH is doing when his mother is bending your ear. Having a lovely, peaceful time reading, I’ll bet!!

Too right.

My friend at the beginning of her marriage, disabused her husband of the idea that her Sunday afternoons were going to be spent visiting his parents, when hers were living far away.

She said she would visit every so often but he could crack on, on his own if he intended to see them weekly.

He liked to sit and doze as she was forced to make conversation.

She wasn't having in, and certainly not on a weekly basis.

He was their child and they were primarily interested in seeing him.

They were nice people too.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 22/08/2023 12:18

Have a lovely day and stay out as long as you can!

SeulementUneFois · 22/08/2023 13:00

passiveaggressivenonsense · 22/08/2023 12:15

My MIL is the same plus super controlling and stressful. Endless monologues about people I don't know know, zero interest in anything I say. (I can say really crazy shit and still no interest, I sometimes play around just to see how far she is oblivious) ) She physically invades my personal space and is very intense.

My strategies...
interupt conversation mid flow excuse I have to pee. ( weak bladder )
I insist on doing all cooking alone. I have work calls I have to make.
Important admin I have to catch up on.
Dash out to get petrol or something seriously boring, then don't come back for ages.
Bad migraine ( leave me alone !)
It sounds unkind but it's literally a question of maintaining sanity !
Don't be afraid to push the boundaries if what's polite because they are psychologically holding you hostage .

This OP.

She doesn't care about being polite to you so you need to push the boundaries of being polite too.

ifIwerenotanandroid · 22/08/2023 14:42

OnGoldenPond · 22/08/2023 09:59

@Mikimoto @1stRossie

Bloody hell I'm getting a pasting here! Wish I hadn't bothered!

For the record all I do is blow a kiss in the morning and no further interaction until she approaches me. No loud offers of cups of tea, no loud stage whispers , nothing! Maybe I have a more honest relationship with my DC than you have with your mothers?

Anyway, OP, I had the same problem with my DMIL and the only thing that worked was to tell her to shut up. So do that.

Have to admit, I was picturing you bobbing on the sofa like a shit mermaid, watching your daughter so you could speak to her the second she put her book down.😂

Good to know you're not like that.

ifIwerenotanandroid · 22/08/2023 14:52

My MIL was like this. She didn't read or knit or even want to watch TV or listen to the radio on her own. She wanted to be talking at me/DH the whole time. Sometimes, if DH & I managed to slip away to the kitchen & talk without her even for five minutes, she would suddenly join in our conversation from the lounge.

One time, she spent a week with us & never once asked us anything about ourselves. I got a grim satisfactin from imagining her going back home & her friends asking, "So how are your son & DIL?" & her saying, "I don't know, I never asked them".

thereisnotachance · 22/08/2023 15:08

What is your DH doing whilst you're being plagued by your oblivious MIL ? What's her husband doing? Is your MIL so needy for your attention because her own DH is ignoring her? I think some men think they can switch off and it's for the chatty women to keep each other company whilst they fade out. It's not your job to entertain or occupy your MIL on holiday.

OnGoldenPond · 22/08/2023 15:24

@ifIwerenotanandroid

Far too busy for that!

Ivymom · 22/08/2023 16:45

Your DH needs to intervene. The next time MIL plops down next to you at the pool, he needs to walk over to her and tell her to leave you alone. He wants his parents on this vacation, so he needs to entertain MIL and make sure you get a real vacation.

Zeroperspective · 22/08/2023 18:16

Different situation entirely here, my DD 8 is autistic and narrates her inner dialogue and asks questions all day and even talks in her sleep at night 🙈 I obviously love her to bits and remind myself constantly how distraught I was that she was speech delayed and I longed for the day I'd hear her call me mummy.....its draining it truly is! Tbh most of the time she's narrating I don't think she actually realises she's doing it!

No advice and no point to my post other than to show support and say keep smiling and keep breathing! Enjoy your holiday as much as you can and remember if you can't beat them join them, tell her your every thought and don't let her get a word in 😜

NowYouTellMe · 22/08/2023 18:17

I’ve never understood anyone going on holiday abroad to spend a great deal of time reading books. I can understand that your MIL would expect that you’d welcome conversation and companionship from that fact that you invited her. She’s probably being overly chatty because she senses the awkwardness. My sympathies are with her to be honest, particularly as you say she’s had a bad year. I hope you can work things out. Best wishes OP

ElthamLemur · 22/08/2023 18:48

NowYouTellMe · 22/08/2023 18:17

I’ve never understood anyone going on holiday abroad to spend a great deal of time reading books. I can understand that your MIL would expect that you’d welcome conversation and companionship from that fact that you invited her. She’s probably being overly chatty because she senses the awkwardness. My sympathies are with her to be honest, particularly as you say she’s had a bad year. I hope you can work things out. Best wishes OP

Because many people go on holiday to a hot country so that they have a pleasant and comfortable place to relax in the sun and enjoy a book, interspersed with a little swim, and where their kids can also enjoy playing in the pool or on the beach. That’s not generally available in the UK. Not all holidays need to be about local culture.

CharlotteStreetW1 · 22/08/2023 18:50

I’ve never understood anyone going on holiday abroad to spend a great deal of time reading books.

Really? I read five (and a half) on my last sunshine holiday and that was with days out and chatting with DH on evening walks and over dinner. I've never been so relaxed.

(No in-laws or DC around though)

JudgeAnderson · 22/08/2023 18:52

I’ve never understood anyone going on holiday abroad to spend a great deal of time reading books.

I save up the most recent books by my favourite authors to read on holiday. There are few greater pleasures than sitting in the shade in a hot country after a morning's activities and reading a good book.
I'd be distraught at the interruption. Constant conversation is exhausting.

Squidlette · 22/08/2023 18:54

There should be some kind of family swap after the reclaim baggage bit.
Talkers- off you go.
Walkers- we've put you at the top of a hilly bit.
Readers- we've got a nice quiet place for you.
Kids- here's a theme park. With slides.

Then maybe have a little swap midway through.

Alinino124 · 22/08/2023 18:54

Well that’s a bit cheeky !!!

Bellyblueboy · 22/08/2023 18:54

NowYouTellMe · 22/08/2023 18:17

I’ve never understood anyone going on holiday abroad to spend a great deal of time reading books. I can understand that your MIL would expect that you’d welcome conversation and companionship from that fact that you invited her. She’s probably being overly chatty because she senses the awkwardness. My sympathies are with her to be honest, particularly as you say she’s had a bad year. I hope you can work things out. Best wishes OP

really? You can’t imagine that people are different?

I don’t have time to read for pleasure while I work - any reading is work specific.

on holiday i read it he airport, on the plane, between sight seeing. Even have the odd early night with room service to enjoy reading!

it’s my luxury on holiday.

we are all different. I have when people don’t respect my time to read. Inane shitter chatter drives me potty

FreddieMercurysCat · 22/08/2023 18:57

So sorry OP. This was my life with my ex and his parents. It’s fucking maddening! We would do U.K. holidays and I was the only driver so not only did I have the MIL making me batshit, she was the worst backseat driver as well. I used to get home and lock myself in my room for a day. It was awful. Fortunately for me my new ILs live in a different country and we’ve seen them 3 times in 11 years. Bliss……

caringcarer · 22/08/2023 19:02

Why don't you DH and DC go out somewhere on your own for the day. Then the next day suggest they do that. Oh MiL we went to see XYZ it was amazing you must go to see it tomorrow.

phoenixrosehere · 22/08/2023 19:03

NowYouTellMe · 22/08/2023 18:17

I’ve never understood anyone going on holiday abroad to spend a great deal of time reading books. I can understand that your MIL would expect that you’d welcome conversation and companionship from that fact that you invited her. She’s probably being overly chatty because she senses the awkwardness. My sympathies are with her to be honest, particularly as you say she’s had a bad year. I hope you can work things out. Best wishes OP

I don’t understand being on a beach for days on end just to lie in the sun , but I wouldn’t stop anyone from doing so or interrupt them.

MIL can talk or spend time with her son, her husband, or even her grandchildren instead of spending her time following OP around. It’s a family holiday, OP is not the only family there. OP and her DH invited them yet, it is all on OP to be her main source of entertainment. Ridiculous.

SadAndMushyAndComplicated · 22/08/2023 19:05

NowYouTellMe · 22/08/2023 18:17

I’ve never understood anyone going on holiday abroad to spend a great deal of time reading books. I can understand that your MIL would expect that you’d welcome conversation and companionship from that fact that you invited her. She’s probably being overly chatty because she senses the awkwardness. My sympathies are with her to be honest, particularly as you say she’s had a bad year. I hope you can work things out. Best wishes OP

If you are interested in improving your imagination and general empathy I can highly recommend reading a lot of books, perhaps on holiday, abroad.

Mischance · 22/08/2023 19:07

Looking at this from the other side - I occasionally go on holiday with my AC - at their invitation of course - as I am widowed.

I am so acutely conscious of not wanting to be in the way, be a nuisance, impose on their time etc. etc. that it almost spoils the holiday for me as I feel I have to cease to exist as myself - not very comfortable really.

I hear your pain and I am sorry this has spoilt your holiday - but just wanted to say that it is not always easy for a mum or MIL to get it right.

It does not seem as though your MIL is deliberately seeking to be a pain - she is just enjoying your company and wanting to chat - but, as someone who loves to read and swatch the world go by, I absolutely can understand that this is irritating.

I am not sure what the answer is - I do go away on my own - but then my AC worry about me as I have a long-standing disability and they fear for my safety - needless to say, I don't! I am used to it and take great care. And holidaying alone is an emotional challenge when y have been used to being on holiday as part of a couple.

Maybe a long weekend next time!!